Trouble forming connections with people in general

Humanoutofelement

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Jan 25, 2019
Messages
29
My whole life I've had trouble making and keeping friends and when I do, I know they are very "meh" about me and don't really care. What do you think I might be doing wrong? Is the game plan to fix it just going out and talking to everybody in places that I frequent? How will this get me any better results than I've had my whole life? If I don't know what I'm doing, then I don't know what I'm doing. Obviously this doesn't help me with girls too.
 

ZacAdam

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
Joined
Nov 20, 2012
Messages
4,407
Something deep is beyond the problem you facing.

Childhood experience or experience at school. Please note experiences of people towards you.

Put it in detail, so I can help you
 

JacobPalmer

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
Joined
Jun 24, 2019
Messages
326
When it comes to stuff like this you just have to ask yourself, "What value do I provide to them?" because people want to hang out with people who provide value to them.

And if your answer is something like, "I'm nice and all around a good/decent person," then you have some work to do. And I say this out of kindness. :)
 

Fuck This

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
Joined
Jul 24, 2015
Messages
1,395
What are you passionate about?

Who are the other people in your life who are also passionate about those things?

How do you make those people feel when you do those things together? Are you a know it all? do you monopolize the conversation? Do you offer unsolicited advice? Are you needy about getting help in that pursuit?
 

Humanoutofelement

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Jan 25, 2019
Messages
29
ZacAdam said:
Something deep is beyond the problem you facing.

Childhood experience or experience at school. Please note experiences of people towards you.

Put it in detail, so I can help you
Well, not good. Made fun of constantly, had a few friends in middle school and high school but rarely hung out with them outside of school. I was always weird and different, an easy target. I haven't really had any friends since then and the ones I have made I can tell don't like talking to me that much.

JacobPalmer said:
When it comes to stuff like this you just have to ask yourself, "What value do I provide to them?" because people want to hang out with people who provide value to them.

And if your answer is something like, "I'm nice and all around a good/decent person," then you have some work to do. And I say this out of kindness. :)
Yes this is so true, people need a reason to be friends with you. I thought about this a couple of weeks ago and became really depressed because I thought people probably don't want to be friends with me because they don't like my personality. Not that I'm a bad person, but people probably think that I'm boring and a I have lot of other traits I have that people don't like. For example, I'm a loner and I know that people perceive loners negatively, even if it's not conscious. Social proof and all that stuff. I guess I should try being funnier and more easy going for example? Try to have the personality traits that people like?

Fuck This said:
What are you passionate about?

Who are the other people in your life who are also passionate about those things?

How do you make those people feel when you do those things together? Are you a know it all? do you monopolize the conversation? Do you offer unsolicited advice? Are you needy about getting help in that pursuit?
Well I'm passionate about getting betting with girls/socializing, fitness, and poker. I don't have anybody else I know who are passionate about those things. Part of the reason I got into fitness and poker is because I didn't need to depend on anybody else and most of my own success or failure was determined by me. I suppose I should either find people who are into those things or try other things and find my tribe that way?
 

ShampooMonk

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Jun 28, 2019
Messages
10
You like totally described me.

I feel the same way, I was sort of a loner in high school. I mean I had a set of group of friends that we would hang out, chill, but that was because I wanted to fit in, not because I was compelled to do so. It was more out of necessity.

I played a lot of Warcraft 3, and gaming in high school, and while I went semi-pro,l I think that is what has led to my inability to connect emotionally with people. I learned some nuances, but most conversations relatively turn awkward, or I sometimes don't have the right way to express or convey what some people can do fluidly.

I think you just need to find the right group of people. Fitness usually has a wide array of people who are always looking to find other work out buddies. I also think yoga is a perfect way to meet women.

From self help books and materials I've read/girlchases articles by Chase, I believe you must have 6 qualities.

1) Have a thick skin, and caring less about what people think of you. The statement itself is contradictory, because social proof and social norms dictate that you must have a strong sense of knowing yourself, and you should care what people see you as. Just don't let the negativity affect or cloud your thinking. I have a penchant for doing this a lot, so I always tell myself to remain positive.
2) Find some way to break free from stress. I mediate now. I also do some yoga, and when I was younger, I used to breakdance, (bboy.) I'm pretty sure fitness or working out can be the same exact methodology!
3) Patience.
4) Be warm to others, express gratitude, and empathy. You don't have to be a push over or Mr. Nice-Guy, but when other people see how you treat others, it will reflect on how they view their perception of you.
5) Humor.
6) If your passion is getting with girls, then I believe you need to make friends with a lot of girls. I was never good at connecting with guys at high school, but I was always good at being friends with girls, who would then hook me up with their friends or try to match make.
___

What is your main purpose or goal when you talk to someone? Is it to be friends or lovers?
 
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