Troy's Hexaco Challenge

[Troy]

I've taken the Hexaco Personality test and according to the test I score above average to extremely high (worldwide) in the following areas:

Fairness (extremely high)
Sincerity (extremely high)
Gentleness (extremely high)
Flexibility (above average)
Conscientiousness (extremely high)

However with these good personality traits, comes my weaknesses:

Forgiveness (very low which is not good)
Anxiety (a little below average)
Fearfulness (very high which is not good)

Hexaco Definition (Troy's Strengths)​

The Fairness scale assesses a tendency to avoid fraud and corruption. Low scorers are willing to gain by cheating or stealing, whereas high
scorers are unwilling to take advantage of other individuals or of society at large.

The Sincerity scale assesses a tendency to be genuine in interpersonal relations. Low scorers will flatter others or pretend to like them in order to
obtain favors, whereas high scorers are unwilling to manipulate others.

The Gentleness scale assesses a tendency to be mild and lenient in dealings with other people. Low scorers tend to be critical in their evaluations
of others, whereas high scorers are reluctant to judge others harshly.

The Flexibility scale assesses one's willingness to compromise and cooperate with others. Low scorers are seen as stubborn and are willing to
argue, whereas high scorers avoid arguments and accommodate others' suggestions, even when these may be unreasonable.

Conscientiousness Domain (4 categories which is my strongest personality trait)

The Organization scale assesses a tendency to seek order, particularly in one's physical surroundings. Low scorers tend to be sloppy and
haphazard, whereas high scorers keep things tidy and prefer a structured approach to tasks.

The Diligence scale assesses a tendency to work hard. Low scorers have little self-discipline and are not strongly motivated to achieve, whereas
high scorers have a strong "'work ethic" and are willing to exert themselves.

The Perfectionism scale assesses a tendency to be thorough and concerned with details. Low scorers tolerate some errors in their work and tend
to neglect details, whereas high scorers check carefully for mistakes and potential improvements.

The Prudence scale assesses a tendency to deliberate carefully and to inhibit impulses. Low scorers act on impulse and tend not to consider
consequences, whereas high scorers consider their options carefully and tend to be cautious and self-controlled.

Hexaco Definition (Troy's Weaknesses)​

The Forgivingness scale assesses one's willingness to feel trust and liking toward those who may have caused one harm. Low scorers tend "hold
a grudge" against those who have offended them, whereas high scorers are usually ready to trust others again and to re-establish friendly relations after having been treated badly.

The Fearfulness scale assesses a tendency to experience fear. Low scorers feel little fear of injury and are relatively tough, brave, and insensitive
to physical pain, whereas high scorers are strongly inclined to avoid physical harm.

The Anxiety scale assesses a tendency to worry in a variety of contexts. Low scorers feel little stress in response to difficulties, whereas high
scorers tend to become preoccupied even by relatively minor problems.

..........................................

This is a huge challenge for me. I was just about to explode on the boards and talk about my challenges. However Im a hold back, take a deep breath and try to relax.

................................................................

So there it is. There are 5 domain level personality traits:

Honestly-Humility
Emotionality
Extraversion
Agreeableness
Conscientiousness
Openess To Experience

Some I shared above, the others are not relevant to this topic on Forgiveness. So I will skip those until they are relevant to be brought up.

Now here lies the problem. Im surrounded by people who score very low in my areas of strength. And I've felt extreme pain and disappointment from these people. I will share a few examples.

1. Girls flaking on dates. Some dont apologize. Some girls show zero respect for my feelings. I may put in effort to dress nice, prepare a nice date spot. And these girls will flake with zero regard and no respect for how they come across.

2. People showing up late when we agreed to meet at XYZ time. And when they do show up, they behave as if everything is "cool".

3. My family being an untidy bunch. Dirty plates and pots, not wanting to clean the house. While Im the total opposite trying to ensure my environment is 100% clean.

4. I schedule an appointment with my barber. He does not show up to his shop on time. Or some days he does not even open the shop. And when I show up for appointments, he never calls to apologize or reschedule.

5. I asked my 2 senior managers for feedback on my performance from December 2021. My female senior manager never cared to respond to the email. And my male senior manager replied letting me know he will definitely reply with a performance update. Fast forward, it's now March 20, 2022 and not another reply to the email. Yet they always remember to do what the clients (their boss) asks them to do. This fucking pisses me off to be honest. It's like they dont respect my presence and failure to follow up. Yet if I dont follow up with a customer, I could be documented and fired. Double standard! I mean, I was patient going into February. But now it's too long that they have not responded, that on some level Im just looking for a different job. Screw their feedback. Their silence is all the feedback I need that deep down they dont respect me.

6. I ask people occasionally to do a favor for me. I rarely do this and I always try to provide value in some way. Let me give one example. I have this male friend from high school, me and him would share bread and juice. Recently I shared I would ask people I know for testimonials (based on my character). So I asked him and he read my message yesterday. He has not responded. However I go to Instagram and I see he found time to like other posts.

This ain't the first time he did this. Im considering deleting his number. Why? In early 2021 I sent him a message just checking in that he is doing ok. Dude read my message and left me on seen for months. Then I message him again in late 2021 and he seen my message again and did not respond. Next thing I know, he is finding time to film videos with some of the other guys from high school.

7. People in general being lazy and expecting me to do most of the work. Because of my high level of Conscientiousness, I usually have no problem being super productive and bringing massive value to the group. However I've seen others try to take advantage of me. They do very little work, then try to take credit for what I did.

.............................

These are just 7 things which come to mind as I am writing this. I have an average level of patience (according to Hexaco) and right now my patience is running low with all these things going on. However instead of me going on a rant on the boards about this and that, Im going to attempt to find a solution to this. I am marking 2022 as the year I do my best to surround myself with people who:

1. Show as much interest in me, as I do to them.

2. Are early and take time to contact me if they got caught up.

3. Who love seeing their environment clean.

4. They follow up on promises. Without me having to even remind them much or at all.

5. Go getters. They are not afraid of self improvement.

Right now I am surrounded by the wrong set of people. And it's taking a toll on my happiness. I have people who are supposed "friends" who don't even care that much about checking in on me. However when we do meet up, they act all excited to see me. It's getting old at this point. I may choose to keep the remainder of this journal private and offline. Or I may update this from time to time.

At the moment, I just need to get this off my chest before I explode though. This marks Troy's guide to becoming a more forgiving person. So much bad is going on around me, I am finding it extremely difficult to trust others. And I am becoming more and more suspicous of people's actions. That may cause me to go further in depression so I need to work on this ASAP.

Troy

 

[ulrich]

Hi @Troy, I don’t mean to be an ass here and I hope you take this the right way but I feel you are expecting a lot from other people and it is not other people who are failing on you… rather you are fighting your own disappointment when such high expectations are not met.

I remember feeling like you do when I was much younger…
“Why can’t people be professional? I am always professional”
“Why can’t girls return my calls? I always call them back”
“Why do my friends don’t invite me to every party? I always tell them when I find something to do together”
And stuff like that…

If you are like me, here is what’s really going on: you are mostly unbusy in a world filled with busy people and you have troubles relating.

That girl flaking on you… maybe something come up, maybe she was testing you, who knows…
That friend that doesn’t respond you back… maybe he was at the hospital, or a reunion or he was tired…
Your boss not giving you feedback, maybe they got something more urgent to do (like having calls with the customers!!)…

Now, because you are (I were) not taking as many projects / friends / relationships, it comes easy for you to have everything in line… you don’t need to be told twice and you always do things right the first time.
What you have to realize is that it is not how normal people operate!!

Most people you are going to meet are overloaded and what they need is people who help them release loads from their minds.

My gf, my closest friends, most of my coworkers… I am constantly reminding them to do stuff… they can’t possibly deal with all the stuff they commit to do… if I don’t, they will forget.
Part of being a salesman (and a charismatic man) is following up with people… reminding them that you exist and that they are missing good feelings / something important.

Girls, friends, bosses and coworkers need reminders, that’s just part of the overloaded life we live in.

You probably need to be extremely busy at some point of your life to relate (busy like in “I’m intentionally hanging a call from my friends because there is no fucking way I can meet them this month”).
Once you live something like this, you will appreciate people reminding you of stuff.

More than forgiveness, I think you would be benefited by more empathy and patience.

 

[Troy]

Hey @uriel

I appreciate your input.

Hi @Troy, I don’t mean to be an ass here and I hope you take this the right way but I feel you are expecting a lot from other people and it is not other people who are failing on you… rather you are fighting your own disappointment when such high expectations are not met.

I remember feeling like you do when I was much younger…
“Why can’t people be professional? I am always professional”
“Why can’t girls return my calls? I always call them back”
“Why do my friends don’t invite me to every party? I always tell them when I find something to do together”
And stuff like that…

Lets take the situation with my boss. Their job is to manage the staff. If someone gets out of line, they send them to HR. If the clients are losing money, they meet with the team or selective persons to fix the problem. I think 4 months is a pretty long time to wait for a response from my managers, and not get one. For the past 2 years, I've been that guy in the office that is a problem solver. An email will be sent on how to improve things, and out of a 150 staff members, I'm sometimes the only one who has some feedback. So I provide value.

But my managers seem to not care to follow up on their promises. Last year I had to send 4-7 follow up emails in order to get a simple task resolved. That annoyed the hell out of me. Im thinking what's wrong? Im not asking much of them.

And so that's why I have not followed up with my boss. If they never respond to my email, I will just take it as blatant disrespect. Im looking to resign anyway. I share feedback with them that Im looking to improve. And I ask them for honest feedback on where I can improve. They some fake managers in my opinion.

If you are like me, here is what’s really going on: you are mostly unbusy in a world filled with busy people and you have troubles relating.

That girl flaking on you… maybe something come up, maybe she was testing you, who knows…
That friend that doesn’t respond you back… maybe he was at the hospital, or a reunion or he was tired…
Your boss not giving you feedback, maybe they got something more urgent to do (like having calls with the customers!!)…

My calendar is booked out till August this year. Im not sure it gets any busier than that. I dont think any woman thinks that far ahead and has hour after hour lined up for 6 months at a time.

I hear you though.

As for my high school friend. He currently has a son, got married, he works in a factory with heavy machinery, and he lives in Canada. I do understand that those are a lot of things to do. However this same friend finds time to be on Tiktok making videos. He finds time to post on Instagram on a daily basis. We follow a lot of the same people from high school days. So in any given day I will go to Instagram and see him like 5 + pics from other people who were popular in high school.

Point is the dude got time to do this, yet he reads my message and does not respond. I honestly dont think this guy deserves any empathy or patience. 3+ months without a reply, probably means I should delete his number. Im pending that though. Because I asked him for a testimonial and if he dont respond, Im deleting his number.

Id rather have zero number in my phone than a 100 numbers of people who never initiate contact or show some level of empathy towards me.

My gf, my closest friends, most of my coworkers… I am constantly reminding them to do stuff… they can’t possibly deal with all the stuff they commit to do… if I don’t, they will forget.

I hear you man. I really do. I think I've spent a huge part of my life living just like the way you describe. This is me from 2020 and before:

Exboss:

Troy: (I left the company on good terms and I call him up) Hey boss can you prepare a letter of recommendation for me?
Exboss: Yeah sure! Whats your personal email?
Troy: Its ......

(2 weeks pass and my boss does never replied. So I call him number again and get voicemail. I think dude blocked me. I got 2 phones and I test called him from my other phone and he picked up)

Siblings:

Troy: Hey clean up the kitchen. You left the counter in a mess.
Siblings: If you want it clean, go clean it yourself

(I get upset. The level of disrespect I go through with my family over keeping the place clean)

Another male friend I knew from high school

I used to go over to his house every weekend and we would chill and talk about girls. We would walk in the neighborhood and talk to girls. We would go swimming on the weekend. Here is the problem though, if I never went over to his house, he never initiated contact. And so I got sick of it. In 2017 I moved to the major city (20 miles away) and since then, the dude has never ringed my phone once.

I found that hella strange. Because if I went over to his house, he would be excited to see me. We never had any arguments.

........................

See the problem? Im in this chase mode. So for the past 2 years, I've for the most part stopped chasing people. And I've realized a lot of people who would engage with me on friendly terms, never initiated contact again. Thats one of the reasons I talk about getting to the money so much. I always think "maybe Im not as valuable".

Besides even if that ain't the case. Right now, Im lonely at the bottom. I might as well get to the top, be rich as fuck and be lonely then. Thats how I see it now.

p.s. @uriel I appreciate your input dude! This was not a rant or me making an attempt to disregard what you said. I hear you. I think a bit more clarity to what I said would help. Overall though, Im working on finding peace in my heart to forgive all these people who made me feel less than worthy.

Troy

 

[Don Giovanni]

I found that hella strange. Because if I went over to his house, he would be excited to see me. We never had any arguments.

Some people are just like that. To everyone, not just you. Some have the mentality “If anyone wants to see me they should call me”, some unconsciously don’t feel comfortable in places that are not their comfort zones (new bars, other people’s parties) and make excuses and rationalizations, some are just lazy and content staying and home smoking weed or playing computer games. Some have severe anxiety which prevents them from reaching out, some just have poor social skills and don’t understand that it’s rude what they’re doing. Some have personal turmoil in their lives, going through something difficoult and forget about you, others just don’t value friendships that much in general, but still see you as a pleasant person to be around when you show up.

There are a million possible reasons why people flake that have nothing to do with you. And people are getting more flake-y lately I’ve noticed. Don’t take it personally.

 

[Lover]

Hey Troy

Maybe you don't provide the kind of value that other people appreciate

Maybe you're a bother to be around

And just maybe, you are getting acquainted and friends with people who are too much in their own heads to give you the time of the day

Regardless of who is to "blame", it's your responsibility to cut out people from your life if they don't provide you any value.

And you have to have fewer expectations for people. If people are being time-wasters who like the idea of doing fun stuff with you, just let them go. I meet a lot of people these days who want to do a lot of things but rarely have the time or desire to commit. I often don't have the time or energy to invite them more than once if I barely know them. If they caught up with me again, then I would usually try again before. But now I just don't feel like doing it anymore.

I feel like you need to set more boundaries for yourself and lower your expectations a notch or two.

 

[Chase]

@Troy,

As for my high school friend. He currently has a son, got married, he works in a factory with heavy machinery, and he lives in Canada. I do understand that those are a lot of things to do. However this same friend finds time to be on Tiktok making videos. He finds time to post on Instagram on a daily basis. We follow a lot of the same people from high school days. So in any given day I will go to Instagram and see him like 5 + pics from other people who were popular in high school.

Point is the dude got time to do this, yet he reads my message and does not respond. I honestly dont think this guy deserves any empathy or patience. 3+ months without a reply, probably means I should delete his number. Im pending that though. Because I asked him for a testimonial and if he dont respond, Im deleting his number.

This doesn't sound like a guy with a lot of free time at all.

Have you ever tried to be friends with a parent of a young kid? I'm assuming the kid is young, unless this friend's a lot older than you. Parents of young children don't have tons of free time for hanging out a lot.

Plus he's building a career, plus he's in a different country (as I understand it).

People like that will often just drop off the map completely. It's amazing you two are still in any kind of contact.

TikTok sounds like him just blowing off steam. If you resent him having leisure time when you think he should be contacting you, I don't know what to say, except that it sounds like you want a much tighter buddy-buddy relationship with him whereas he likes you enough to maintain contact but not so tight that he's racing off to chat with you at the first opportunity, TikTok free time be damned.

It doesn't sound like he's the one having empathy problems here, honestly.

if I never went over to his house, he never initiated contact. And so I got sick of it. In 2017 I moved to the major city (20 miles away) and since then, the dude has never ringed my phone once.

I found that hella strange. Because if I went over to his house, he would be excited to see me. We never had any arguments.

Like @Don Giovanni said, some folks are just like that.

I've had friends like that.

You just take them for what they are.

It sounds like what you are really looking for is either:

1. A best friend, or
2. A super connector

A best friend is the guy you're inseparable with, who always wants to hang out with you and whom you always want to hang out with. It sounds like more than anything you're looking for a best friend who does more of the initiating while you take the follower role.

A super connector is the guy who's always initiating with tons of different people, you included. Sometimes he's dragging you along while he goes shopping at the grocer's; sometimes he randomly pops up to ask you to go to the barber with him; sometimes he's inviting you to go out, and it turns out there are a bunch of other people meeting up he's invited out too.

Super connectors are like 1 out of 200 or 300 people or less -- you've got to look around for a bit to find them. Although not too much, since they know so many of the people you may know.

Best friends on the other hand take time, exposure, and a lot of shared personal stories and interests to build. In particular, because you're looking for a more active / initiating best friend, you need to be cultivating relationships with people who have that personality type.

See the problem? Im in this chase mode. So for the past 2 years, I've for the most part stopped chasing people. And I've realized a lot of people who would engage with me on friendly terms, never initiated contact again. Thats one of the reasons I talk about getting to the money so much. I always think "maybe Im not as valuable".

That's not it.

MOST people will not chase you, no matter WHAT value you have.

You can drop value on people like you're Santa Claus dropping Christmas presents and most people will be thrilled to be around you but they aren't going to chase you and may not ever reach out to you. Most people are simply passive individuals, drifting along through life, responding to stimuli, following their set patterns. Unless you can somehow cultivate a routine in their lives of them routinely contacting you for something or other, they will simply never get into that habit.

The people who are initiators are few and far between.

Most people are passive habit-followers who stay within their lanes and don't swerve out of them, even if someone happens along who has a little extra value to provide.

Getting mad at them for this is like getting mad at cats for not knocking at your door for a milk saucer.

"When I put the milk saucer out there, the damn cats show up and drink it, but if I don't, most of them won't even bat at the door or meow for milk! Goddamn cats! Why can't they ASK me for milk for a change? They'll lap it up when you give them it but they're too proud to ask!"

There's no point.

Most people are passive, and creatures of habit.

If you're looking for the few people who will initiate things with you, those people are out there, but they're fairly rare, so you've got to look.

Chase

 

[Troy]

Hey Troy

Maybe you don't provide the kind of value that other people appreciate

I will make an attempt to be fair for the kind of value I provide and dont

Friends​

Value I Bring:

1. I am very reliable. If a friend needs me to be somewhere on a Friday at 2:16 PM, unless I am dead or severely sick, there is no way I am flaking on the. Friends can count on me to get stuff done. Friends can count on me to never flake, be late e.t.c.

2. I can share great ideas with them about health and other topics.

3. I am not a super charismatic guy. However, when I am around friends I trust, I realize I become more charismatic. I am more at ease and conversation is better. I realized this when I went out with my coworkers last year August to a dinner. And most of my coworkers are introverts. I was the one was sharing the jokes. All the ladies were laughing, and not laughing at me, they were laughing at the joke. When I am with my best female friend, she laughs her ass off.

4. Friends can count on me to be honest, gentle, and organized. I have a good eye for details and Im very creative so I can pick up on fine details most people would overlook.

The Value I Do Not Bring:

1. I still live with my parents and that situation is messed up. So I cannot invite friends over to my house to chill. There is an opportunity to invite them over for little to no money being spent. I know friends who got their life together and can invite friends over just to watch football, play table tennis, Xbox, have food. I ain't got none of that. So spending time with me, people would need more money.

2. I don't have a car. So I believe guy friends who don't have a car, may find it a bother to travel to the gym, go pick up girls with me. Female friends who may want to dress very sexy when going out, tend to like men with cars. Why? Because men on the road cat-call women all day long. And it's difficult to wear a short dress and look extra hot while having to take public transport. And hiring private taxis is hella expensive as well. I might as well get a car. So I can understand why having experiences with others will be difficult.

3. If I do decide to go out with friends, in the back of my mind, I am worried if I got enough money to pay for my own stuff. Going to a party? The entry fee is $25-$75USD. Going to ride with dolphins? The entry cost is $60USD. Going to a fancy restaurant? As soon as I order a baked chicken with pasta and a drink, the cost is already $30-$100USD. I ain't got it like that. And that money is currently best spent in making me more money.

4. Again, I'm not this super charismatic guy. I can be at times, however, for the most part, I will have a nice conversation with others. I need to work on that, hence why I am here.

Family​

Value I Bring

1. I am very organized, under my leadership things can go very well at home (if they cooperate). I am skilled in Plumbing, HVAC, Electrical, Building. Pretty much anything that needs to be repaired at home, I am skilled to fix it.

2. I cook really well. (I don't cook for my family, but I am just sharing, if I were to cook, everyone would enjoy it.) I pretty much buy food many days as cooking takes too much time that could be spent doing more productive things.

3. I know how to build good vibes. I will bring out the games, and the foolery.

The Value I Do Not Bring

1. I cannot think of anything, to be honest.

Coworkers & Managers​

Value I Bring

1. My managers can count on me to over-promise and over-deliver to all customers. My follow-up is on point. As a matter of fact, my direct manager has publicly mentioned my name "Troy is outstanding at following up, I think the other team members could learn from him".

2. If everyone in the company had my track record of attendance: early and showing up daily, the company would make millions more. The company has a problem with attendance and they need more people like me. My boss is proud to know I rarely miss work. Meanwhile, other people in the same company, are absent from work 1-4 times per month, when they should be at work 20 days for the month.

3. I flirt with all the ladies at work, attractive or not. I say good morning to the lady cleaning the bathrooms and making her day much brighter. I flirt with the pretty girls in the office. No woman is exempted from me flirting with, equal treatment. I do have some work to improve on my flirt game, yes, however so far, it's going alright.

4. During team meetings, I bring up ideas that no one else can think of. My boss has implemented a few of them, and there have been results shortly after.

The Value I Do Not Bring

1. I need to improve my leadership skills more. They are good now, but I need to improve them so I can handle extremely difficult situations. I am reading books by John Maxwell and I will be investing more in personal coaching in the future to close this gap.

2. If the team wants to go on trips, I don't have a car to pick up some of my coworkers. It's basically the managers at the company who are able to afford cars. A few ladies drive, but we know how females are with money so I give low importance to that. Women will earn $2,000 a month, and spend $1,000 on a nice car. Women's brains are wired to get the experience, whereas men, we think through to see if it makes sense to get XYZ thing on our current income. Anyways, if I were to go on a trip, I would be extracting value by riding in a car with someone else.

3. I could improve my social skills more so I can handle different office politics.

......................................................

Ok, that's my honest opinion on what I could improve.

Troy

 

[Lover]

1. I am very reliable. If a friends needs me to be somewhere on a Friday at 2:16PM, unless I am dead or severly sick, there is no way I am flaking on the. Friends can count on me to get stuff done. Friends can count on me to never flake, be late e.t.c.

What did your friends do to earn this? This sounds like something you do for family or very close friends.

2. I can share great ideas with them about health and other topics.

3. I am not a super charismatic guy. However when I am around friends I trust, I realize I become more charismatic. I am more at ease and conversation is better. I realized this when I went out with my coworkers last year August to a dinner. And most of my coworkers are introverts. I was the one was sharing the jokes. All the ladies were laughing, and not laughing at me, they were laughing at the joke. When I am with my best female friend, she laughs her ass off.

You are not the only one with this kind of value. It's not unique.

4. Friends can count on me to be honest, gentle, and organized. I have a good eye for details and Im very creative so I can pick up on fine details most people would overlook.

How often do your friends need this?

Okay, let's turn things around from your initial post and see if people have value to you

1. Girls flaking on dates. Some dont apologize. Some girls show zero respect for my feelings. I may put in effort to dress nice, prepare a nice date spot. And these girls will flake with zero regard and no respect for how they come across.

2. People showing up late when we agreed to meet at XYZ time. And when they do show up, they behave as if everything is "cool".

3. My family being an untidy bunch. Dirty plates and pots, not wanting to clean the house. While Im the total opposite trying to ensure my environment is 100% clean.

4. I schedule an appointment with my barber. He does not show up to his shop on time. Or some days he does not even open the shop. And when I show up for appointments, he never calls to apologize or reschedule.

5. I asked my 2 senior managers for feedback on my performance from December 2021. My female senior manager never cared to respond to the email. And my male senior manager replied letting me know he will definitely reply with a performance update. Fast forward, it's now March 20, 2022 and not another reply to the email. Yet they always remember to do what the clients (their boss) asks them to do. This fucking pisses me off to be honest. It's like they dont respect my presence and failure to follow up. Yet if I dont follow up with a customer, I could be documented and fired. Double standard! I mean, I was patient going into February. But now it's too long that they have not responded, that on some level Im just looking for a different job. Screw their feedback. Their silence is all the feedback I need that deep down they dont respect me.

6. I ask people occasionally to do a favor for me. I rarely do this and I always try to provide value in some way. Let me give one example. I have this male friend from high school, me and him would share bread and juice. Recently I shared I would ask people I know for testimonials (based on my character). So I asked him and he read my message yesterday. He has not responded. However I go to Instagram and I see he found time to like other posts.

This ain't the first time he did this. Im considering deleting his number. Why? In early 2021 I sent him a message just checking in that he is doing ok. Dude read my message and left me on seen for months. Then I message him again in late 2021 and he seen my message again and did not respond. Next thing I know, he is finding time to film videos with some of the other guys from high school.

7. People in general being lazy and expecting me to do most of the work. Because of my high level of Conscientiousness, I usually have no problem being super productive and bringing massive value to the group. However I've seen others try to take advantage of me. They do very little work, then try to take credit for what I did

1. Time-wasters. Move on. OR see it as a test and try again another time.

2. How late is late? Is this time-frame acceptable in your part of the world or not? Even if it's acceptable, are they worth waiting for?

3. You're planning to move out, so keep working towards that. But just don't be the guy that cleans his family's place because no one else does. Have some boundaries.

4. Find another barber. Honestly, how are you letting such a person have you as a costumer?

5. You already got a reply to this.

6. This ain't high school anymore. He moved on. He's not returning your texts, and not even when you really need him. What else do you need to let go?

7. Be more selfish and take credit for your work, especially if it's work you have to do. Otherwise don't do what is expected of you. Let selfishly lazy people handle their own problems. What did they do to earn your help? How much value do they offer you?

I recently read No More Mr Nice Guy, and I think you will benefit from it. Like I said in my other post, YOU are responsible for cutting people out of your life. Maybe this book will help you with the process. Best of luck Troy

 

[ulrich]

My calendar is booked out till August this year. Im not sure it gets any busier than that. I dont think any woman thinks that far ahead and has hour after hour lined up for 6 months at a time.

This is the thing I don’t get @Troy.

If you’re fully booked for the next 5 months, why are you still struggling with money?
You should have money to rent your own space.

And how do you find time to do all this pointless stuff?… like cooking dinners for girls and ruminating about people not answering messages.

At the very least, if you know money is coming, why don’t you get a credit card and go rent an apartment?

I don’t know man but it seems you’re caught in a dead end job who is not paying you enough while keeping you extremely busy and you are using your limited free time ruminating in other things and avoiding the root cause of your frustrations.

 

[Chase]

If you’re fully booked for the next 5 months, why are you still struggling with money?
You should have money to rent your own space.

That's something I almost put in my earlier post, but:

@Troy might benefit from deemphasizing "super responsiveness" for a while and refocusing on "super productiveness" instead.

I am a notoriously rather flakey guy. I feel bad about it; I don't like leaving people hanging. At any one time though I probably have a few dozen people waiting for me to get back to them on personal or business matters. It often takes me 1-2 weeks, sometimes longer. Sometimes I have someone I have been continually reminding myself to get back to and don't actually respond to for months.

Sometimes I am just goofing off, relaxing with leisure time, rather than responding. Everyone needs leisure; we'd go crazy if we didn't have it. Other times I am cranking out productive work I need to get done, rather than responding.

I went through a phase a few years back where I said, "You know what? I'm a manager now. We've got something like 40 people on the team, over a dozen projects, I can't afford to be flakey anymore. I need to manage effectively, and that means staying on top of things, and being the most responsive boss I can." So for about 8 months I became extremely responsive: I responded to emails that day, I was on Skype and Slack throughout the day answering stuff from the team as it came up, clearing inboxes routinely, totally on top of personal and business responsiveness. I spent most of my day, six days a week, answering people, managing people, and coordinating things.

It was a complete disaster, Girls Chase lost a ton of money during that period, and despite all that talking and managing I can't think of anything significant we accomplished during that period.

After that period, I looked at what I was doing, and said, "This is a complete and utter mistake. I am drowning in people I NEED to respond to, people I HAVE to manage, people I am paying to fill up my schedule requiring me to respond to them, and none of this is making us any money -- in fact, we are bleeding tons of cash every month paying all these people!" All these were good, smart, talented people, good at what they did -- it was just that none of what I had them doing actually was improving our bottom line.

So I went and made a ton of cuts, started cutting people out of the company, winding down communications with them, half to save our financial budget, but the other half to save my TIME budget, so I would have TIME to focus on doing things for Girls Chase that actually improved the business again, and weren't just sucking up all my time on well-intentioned boondoggles.

I know folks who are constantly talking to people and scheduling calls and meetings and who regale me with the importance of being punctual and responsive, and I cannot really tell you what they have accomplished of any real note. It seems to be more about this feeling of satisfaction, being able to say, "There! See! I'm a reliable person! I'm at inbox zero! I've answered all my pending requests and texts! You can count on me!" rather than trying to push people out for a while to just focus on building something in silence and focus (or, alternately, with a knuckled-down team all working on the same thing in concert).

So here's a challenge, Troy: you might find the very idea offensive to your sensibilities right now, but tuck it away in your head and return to it when it makes sense to:

Maybe take a little time off from answering everybody, contacting everybody, and being the responsive, punctual guy who is always on top of communications for a while, with a really full schedule, and take some time to figure out what you want to build instead.

I'm probably a bit on the extreme side with my tendency to fall off the map... a healthier balance to me is something like "the first 8 hours of the day are spend building stuff; the rest of the day is spent managing the team, responding to people, and taking care of other people-oriented tasks."

You need to manage relationships with people, both for personal and business.

But you've got to have time in their to build stuff, or work with your core team who is building stuff, or if you aren't building yet, to meditate on things, brainstorm, and map out what it is you want to build.

Chase

 

[Troy]

What did your friends do to earn this? This sounds like something you do for family or very close friends.

I never thought about that. I just thought growing up, the ethical thing to do was to be reliable. I think the world would be better off if more people were proactive and reliable. I think if every woman was this reliable, Chase would not even need to write articles on girls flaking. Women would be more respectful. I think "do onto others as you have them do onto you". I will read the book you recommend though and see what I can change.

How often do your friends need this?

Occasionally (some friends). Some don't need it at all.

Okay, let's turn things around from your initial post and see if people have value to you

1. Time-wasters. Move on. OR see it as a test and try again another time.

2. How late is late? Is this time-frame acceptable in your part of the world or not? Even if it's acceptable, are they worth waiting for?

3. You're planning to move out, so keep working towards that. But just don't be the guy that cleans his family's place because no one else does. Have some boundaries.

4. Find another barber. Honestly, how are you letting such a person have you as a costumer?

5. You already got a reply to this.

6. This ain't high school anymore. He moved on. He's not returning your texts, and not even when you really need him. What else do you need to let go?

7. Be more selfish and take credit for your work, especially if it's work you have to do. Otherwise don't do what is expected of you. Let selfishly lazy people handle their own problems. What did they do to earn your help? How much value do they offer you?

1. Got it.

2. Late in my opinion is 15 minutes past the time we are supposed to meet, and there is no phone calls or texts to say what's going on. I don't think it's acceptable.

3. Got it.

4. Honestly the only 2 reasons I still go to this Barber is because he is: cheaper than the others in the area and he does a good job cutting my hair. Ladies regularly compliment my hairstyles when I go to him. That said, I've spoken to him about the flaking, and he keeps doing it, I am going to find another Barber soon.

5. Got it.

6. Got it. I decided to delete his number yesterday after I saw your response and also Chase's response.

7. Got it.

I recently read No More Mr Nice Guy, and I think you will benefit from it. Like I said in my other post, YOU are responsible for cutting people out of your life. Maybe this book will help you with the process. Best of luck Troy

Thanks for the best of luck and the book recommendation.

That's something I almost put in my earlier post, but:

Yeah, it's pretty much a dead-end job I got. I grew up in poverty and over the last 5 years, the cost of living has doubled. For example. In 2017, I was paying $1.20 USD for a chicken and chips meal. However, in 2022, that same meal now costs $3 USD.

The problem is salaries have not doubled. Across the board in my country, salary increases are less than 5%. The government is doing a horrible job at reducing inflation. Another thing is people in my country who own real estate, car dealerships, are quoting prices in USD. And my local currency is not USD.

The people have cried out at the injustice because the people on the top get to make more money because every time inflation rises, locals have to pay more for goods and services. Quick example, I will use California to share notes.

Public School Teacher Salary in California | Salary.com

The Public School Teacher role earned an average salary of $63,470 in California in 2023. Get a salary report by industry, company size, and skills.

www.salary.com

Average Rent in Los Angeles & Rent Prices by Neighborhood - RentCafe

The average apartment rent in Los Angeles is $2,786. Browse detailed statistics & rent trends, compare apartment sizes and rent prices by neighborhood.

www.rentcafe.com

Let's say a teacher is earning $5,000 USD per month in California. But the cost of rent is $2,563. That teacher is going to be broke because they are spending more than 50% of their salary on rent.

(Let's pretend for a moment, there was a currency stronger than the USD, and real estate owners were quoting their prices in that currency. I will call this currency WBG)

In January, there the local teacher in California pays $2,563 USD for rent. But the WBG currency is stronger and by March, the WBG currency gains more strength)

In March, that local teacher would now have to find $2,700 USD to pay for the same rent. Simply because the WBG currency is 3% stronger compared to last month). However, the teacher is still getting paid in USD and her salary has not increased in those 2 months.

The real estate owners, car dealerships, and everyone else who engages in this "legal" yet unethical behavior get a pay increase month after month. Yet the locals are the ones who suffer. And the government does nothing to regulate it.

That's the problem I am facing. This happens month after month in my country. Salaries not keeping up. And even if I do sell my services and products out to local businesses, I need to sell in mass quantities just to afford to live. It takes time to create wealth and so I have to push myself daily to get my skills to match the cost of living. It's not just me, many young people are now living at home with their parents because they are being squeezed.

And the jobs which pay a lot, are highly specialized: doctor, technical engineer. Those require some college degree and I don't plan on spending 4 plus years in college to do that. I rather go become a salesman and make on commission.

Also where I come from, poverty, I've had to cut corners over the years to develop my skills. One thing I am proud of is I got over the large hump. 2022 is the year I can look back and say "Hey I've pretty much invested in every tool, coaching, software possible. Now is the time to put them to use"

I have no excuse in 2022 to be doing anything else other than talking to people and getting clients. Anything else is just procrastination. I will be spending a few weeks talking to local business owners, offering a few free services in exchange for testimonials (only if they like the work). Once I get more testimonials, I will be taking that and marketing it, and start selling my services at the regular price.

So here's a challenge, Troy: you might find the very idea offensive to your sensibilities right now, but tuck it away in your head and return to it when it makes sense to:

Yeah, no offense taken. Despite the title of the post, I do keep a pretty open mind when I get feedback. What actually pisses me off is when people cannot be honest with their feedback. For example, my senior managers avoided giving me feedback on my performance. They think they are doing something by trying to avoid the conversation. But in reality, they are causing me to not trust them at all. They cannot even see I genuinely want the feedback to improve myself.

Maybe take a little time off from answering everybody, contacting everybody, and being the responsive, punctual guy who is always on top of communications for a while, with a really full schedule, and take some time to figure out what you want to build instead.

I'm probably a bit on the extreme side with my tendency to fall off the map... a healthier balance to me is something like "the first 8 hours of the day are spend building stuff; the rest of the day is spent managing the team, responding to people, and taking care of other people-oriented tasks."

You need to manage relationships with people, both for personal and business.

But you've got to have time in their to build stuff, or work with your core team who is building stuff, or if you aren't building yet, to meditate on things, brainstorm, and map out what it is you want to build.

Chase

I will make an attempt to try this out.

Troy

 

[Troy]

I asked my:

Friends
Coworker (One)
Previous Business Partners
Coaches
Previous And Current Managers
Clients

On Saturday, March 19 if they could share a video or audio testimonial to share "Who Troy" is. So far, I have received a few responses. Persons saying they will help me with it. I am doing this because if multiple people who know me in different ways, can honestly share with the world, who I am, I think that will be helpful to my future hiring prospects. Video and audio is powerful.

No one will second guess if it is real. Unlike written testimonials, anyone can go online and download pics and act like they got something going on when they don't.

I will be patient. I will give it till about this Thursday before I message them again. So far no responses, but I will be patient.

 

[ulrich]

Hi @Troy, for testimonials (specially if in video) I would suggest you’d rather schedule a 10-15 min zoom meeting with your friends/customers where you call them and go through a 2-5 questions interview on camera.

If you leave them to do it as a homework:
1) Many won’t ever do it
2) The ones who do it will treat it as a chore which will lead it to take forever to receive it
3) Their recordings will be shit because they will not be excited on camera or will be reading their notes

Treat it as a quick interview and you will see most of your frustrations disappear.

 

[Troy]

Hi, @uriel that makes a lot of sense. I was starting to wonder why everyone acting extra goofy and flaky all of a sudden. My best friend (nice girl) does not go 2 weeks without sending me a text. Sometimes I am working on a project and a week goes by, and she texts just to ensure I am ok (at least)

I ask her and yesterday, she posted probably 50 WhatsApp stories. I was thinking "mhmm this is weird". I was actually using her timeframe as a gauge before I followed up again. My friend has a lot more free time to chit chat, compared to others who have large companies. And I was thinking "Mhmm I ask an 8 figure entrepreneur to share a testimonial, I better be patient and not be a noisy buzz messaging every day with reminders".

You are right Uriel. I had created a landing page on my website with a form. It has the following sections right now from top to bottom:

1. Welcome Message
2. Questions to answer in the video (4 max)
3. Instructions to film the best video (I even emphasized to not worry about being perfect on camera to make them comfortable)
4. Upload video form
5. Upload Headshot photo form
6. Name
7. Email
8. Rating 1-10 on my personality
9. Two optional fields with 2 additional questions
10. Consent section (6 lines) to agree I can use this on my resume, website e.t.c.
11. Submit button

I am going to replace:

2. Questions to answer in the video (4 max) (And replace it with a Zoom link so they can schedule a time and then I ask the questions)

And I'm going to remove:

3. Instructions to film the best video (I think it will make them more comfortable if I get rid of the guidelines and just make the Zoom fun)
4. Upload video form
8. Rating 1-10 on my personality (They already will be sharing from the heart on video/audio when I interview them.)
9. Two optional fields with 2 additional questions (These questions were really just if they wanted to share private feedback. Not needed)

Alright, so I'm going to research this real quick and send everyone a new message tomorrow, making things simpler.

 

[Troy]

Celebration the wins as they come!

My first testimonial came through singing my praises from a big 7 figure entrepreneur in the game. "Troy is hardworking, dedicated, motivated,, you cannot go wrong in hiring him" in summary.

 

[Troy]

I'm going to have to call the rest of the people I need testimonials from. It's the first I am doing this so I don't know what to expect. However, I'm going to have to use my sales skills on this one.

My best friend in the last 24 hours, has posted 72 times to her Whatsapp story. That's a lot. I understand Chase said that people need time to relieve some stress.

But at some point, stress relief becomes the norm for most people it seems. I used Calendly.com to embed a form on my website so people can easily click a time and date so I can interview them. And they have not booked a time.

I think it's a great idea I decided to ask friends, managers, coaches, e.t.c. all at the same time. I get a good overview. I can weed out that it is not because:

- They secretly dislike me
- Or I am not valuable

I am weeding out potential objections when I call on Saturday. No one will be saying "I have work today, I will get back to you soon".

They are probably just scared of what to say on audio/video and they are procrastinating. My last message to them all was on Wednesday. So I will wait until tomorrow Saturday mid-morning. Then I will start calling and asking them to set a time. All it would take is 10 minutes or less for the interview and 1 minute to book a time for the meeting.

I think we live in a world now where people are generally too busy for their own good. Busy means different things to different people. And I also think most people are not able to accurately schedule in the future (hence why most people show up late to parties too). If someone had asked me to schedule, I could accurately think "Mhmm ok on Saturday at 12:15 PM, I will have time. Let me add that to the schedule now". But I guess most people are not able to do this. Hence why they have not even booked an interview.

Even my 9 figure coach found time to respond to my messages over the last 2 days. And he is a busy guy. So everyone else needs a bit of a push to get this going in the right direction.

Edit: As I wrote this 43 mins ago and am editing this now, most of the persons I asked for a testimonial are showing "Online" on Whatsapp on a Friday when most of them are at work. I think people being busy comes down to priorities.

I honestly think it's sad that when people need me, I am there for them. But when I need them most, I have to feel like I am begging. But I will be patient and attempt to use my sales skills to close this challenge out.

 

[ulrich]

Edit: As I wrote this 43 mins ago and am editing this now, most of the persons I asked for a testimonial are showing "Online" on Whatsapp on a Friday when most of them are at work. I think people being busy comes down to priorities.

I honestly think it's sad that when people need me, I am there for them. But when I need them most, I have to feel like I am begging. But I will be patient and attempt to use my sales skills to close this challenge out.

Stop ruminating on what other people do with their time. That’s not your problem.
They could be working over Whatsapp talking with a customer, answering a question from a family member or just having leisure. Let them do their things.

The only thing you have to worry is: “What can I do so people reply faster to my testimonials requests?”

Some answers can be:
- Give them a gift
- Ask for them in person
- Remove cognitive load
- Use your charisma
- Make it less of a chore

It feels like begging because you’re asking for stuff in counterintuitive ways. Follow the law of least effort.

Let go the “should be”, face reality and focus on getting results.

Acceptance of Reality Is Necessary for Success

The reality of dating, romance, and female nature doesn’t always match up with the ideas you held before. But if you can accept it, you can begin to craft the life you want. The other day I wrote an article on female bad behavior generally being rooted in skittishness, rather than outright...

www.girlschase.com

 

[Troy]

- Give them a gift

I know you are trying to help Uriel. When it comes to testimonials though, gift-giving is a big no-no. I do however plan on giving a gift after the testimonial. The reason is that gift-giving, according to experts when asking for testimonials is a form of "payment". And that means the testimonial will not be genuine.

Some of these people I have known for a year up to a decade. I've provided value to them multiple times, hence why they are still around me today. I rarely ask them for anything in return so if they are making it so difficult to help, I don't know what to say. I will however try to use my sales skills. Some sales gurus say it takes 5-12 times before people commit to something. So I will follow up and make the ask between that number.

- Ask for them in person

That's a viable option. I will keep that in mind for those persons it is possible with.

- Remove cognitive load

I think I did so when I created a landing page. I added:

Tips to make the video for example "don't worry about making it perfect. Its fine to make a few mistakes when filming and all that will be edited" or "no need to read from a script, speak from the heart as if you were talking to someone face to face".

Those are just 2 out of a few others which I used to make them feel more relaxed. I also added questions so they don't need to ramble on and on. Also, a form that is easy to submit. My landing page loads in less than 2 seconds. I don't think I can reduce cognitive load anymore.

- Use your charisma

I tried that last night with my manager. He posted in our team Whatsapp group. I shared a joke, and he and other people were sending laughing emojis. Yet I still have not heard back from him (and I have not made it a high-pressure situation. The last time I reminded him of the testimonial was Wednesday...and that was with the previous advice you gave about the interview ask.

I have also been posting TikTok funny stuff on my Whatsapp stories. And these same people I ask are watching the stories. They are also probably enjoying the stories but not even booking an appointment which would take 1 minute.

- Make it less of a chore

I have used soft language such as:

"The entire process will take less than 10 minutes"
"Scheduling will take less than a minute"

I've shared jokes here and there (and they respond to the joke).

Edit: Also I am documenting the entire thing as it happens. With as much info as possible. That's why I included the info that they are "Online" Whatsapp. So in the future, I can reference this back to fully illustrate what is happening. In a previous post, someone shared I am not patient enough. I think if I did not include this info: dates I sent the first message, what I am doing, what they are doing... I do think it may be misinterpreted by some persons reading this that "Troy is an impatient person. He has a bad attitude and is rushing people". When that is not the case. So I am documenting as much info to give a realistic picture of what is really happening.

So what I will do is string this out. If it takes 3 weeks before I hear back from some persons (and I don't hear back), I think that is way too much patience.

If this entire process ends up taking 3 weeks or a month for someone to give me 10 minutes of their time, I think I am going to have to act in accordance going forward.

Especially for the fact some of these people can call my phone during a life-threatening emergency. I don't think I'm asking too much.

 

[Lover]

A lot of great stuff in your recent posts. Pleasure to read.

One suggestion I didn't see yet (or did I miss it?): stop monitoring people on social media. I don't care if they are friends, colleagues or dates. You are not the only one in their lives, you're just another guy. You observing them doing ordinary human stuff is like watching waves in the sea from the stone you just threw in there. Don't get upset or however you feel about ordinary things.

 

[Troy]

A lot of great stuff in your recent posts. Pleasure to read.

I'm glad to hear that!

One suggestion I didn't see yet (or did I miss it?): stop monitoring people on social media. I don't care if they are friends, colleagues or dates. You are not the only one in their lives, you're just another guy. You observing them doing ordinary human stuff is like watching waves in the sea from the stone you just threw in there. Don't get upset or however you feel about ordinary things.

I appreciate this input. One question I have is how would you recommend keeping track of personal or social improvement without observing what others are doing?

Would you recommend just setting a mental end date? So 2 different ways to handle it:

1.
Ask girl on a date: We were to meet at 6 PM. It is now 6:15 PM. She has not texted or called and when I try to call her, she does not respond. So I just get up and leave the venue. I never check my phone or social media to see what's happening. All I know is she flaked.

Versus

2.
Ask girl on a date: We were to meet at 6 PM. It is now 6:15 PM. She has not texted or called and when I try to call her, she does not respond. I check her Whatsapp and see she is Online. So the phone is in her hands but she refuses to answer. So I give her the benefit of the doubt "She is probably on an emergency call".

I get up and leave the venue still. But I keep analyzing the situation to try to learn what is happening. So 2-6 hours pass. She goes online and offline. The next thing I know, she posts 2 pictures on her Instagram at 6:45 PM. I can now make proper mental to learn from this situation. I can chalk it up that this girl lacks basic respect because she had the phone on hand.

................................

The difference between those 2 is in one instance, I am analyzing the other person to attempt to make mental notes where things went wrong. In the other situation, I make no mental note and just move on.