- Joined
- Jul 23, 2017
- Messages
- 187
Lately I made a post about my life hitting rock bottom (hence the tread name) and how I might be able to get back on my feet. The help I received there was wonderful! However it seems everyone went riding off afterward, leaving me here with an important unanswered question. As I write this, my relationship is circling the drain slowly. She wants to give us a chance to come back from this but every time I try to figure out what the problem is, I seem to come up short. I gave all the details in my previous post and we're down to the last 3 days of the time she's given me to resolve this before she comes over one last time for a four day stay (Then never really coming back).
Rather than direct anyone to another thread, I figure I might as well just drop the details here so that the other problems I resolved don't take away from this.
On the 15th, I told my best friend that I wouldn't be going to the beach with him. He told me to just take care of my mental health, it's fine. So I stayed home with my Girlfriend of 9 months now. We've spend all of those 9 months together in some way, through video chat, phone calls, and of course a lot of in person time. Neither of us have been so close to anyone in our lives. Sometimes I look at her and I'm still stunned. She does the same, even now. When I found her, she was borderline suicidal (she's very happy with life right now and has gotten help). I was riding a high off of everything, my writing was picking up and my friends where a lot of fun to hang out with still. But she was gorgeous, Impressively smart (like she's actually going to Georgetown to be a lawyer), and very charming in the sense that I knew she was very experience and going to be a lot of fun. I found myself just wanting to spend more time with her, I found we actually had quite a few things in common and things we didn't complimented each other nicely. She felt the same. I could on for days about all the shit we've done and been through but that's not the point of this post.
The point is, about a month and a half ago I dropped her off at her school 3 hours away from me and we wouldn't be able to see each other for a week more than a month and a half. I didn't want this because we had both seen this coming but I knew that we might not make it that long apart. I don't think many relationships would. But there was nothing we could do. She has foreign parents and she understandable wants them in her life so she had to go and work with them for a while for some of the summer until school started up again.
One night, she told me she hasn't felt a spark between us since then. I can see where she's coming from. For a while I got sucked into video games, I let go of myself. I pretty much lost all my social skills, I forgot how to approach, I forgot how to have conversations that weren't so bland with anyone, really. I even noticed my voice slipping into a bad habit of talking with a nasally tone. And as a consequence, she started having less and less attraction to me. We can't really sleep together from so far apart, and I don't really have the fundamentals that made me... me, I'm not able to have the conversations she's nostalgic for between us. Where we could stay up until 5 in the morning talking about the dumbest shit. Or at least I hadn't been, I started looking into fundamentals while reading everything I can in search of saving this and it seems like I either never really lost it or like I was just able to hop back on with my fundamentals really easily.
Anyway, back to that night. She tried to break up with me. She said she didn't want to and that it might just be that we haven't hung out in person for so long but that she just didn't feel it anymore. I asked her what she thinks the problem is and she said she's worried about the long term. She's worried we won't be able to connect and have good conversations. She wants to be married to someone who makes her laugh and I haven't been able to do that lately. She also said that she's worried I don't have anything I'm working towards (as in I won't be able to provide for her), as I haven't gone to college yet (I flunked out before and gave up) and have had money problems a few times during our relationship in way that has put a strain on both of us.
We both fell into a sense of heartbreak, she cried but I couldn't I hadn't eaten anything yet and felt like if I cried as hard as I felt I would've thrown up. I just disconnected myself from reality and went somewhere I can't even remember right now. I think I went back to all of our greatest hits. The good times, you know? After a while she had a panic attack and snapped me back into the present before leaving the video chat abruptly. I looked around me and saw nothing left of my life but pain and misery. I wanted to die so bad but just didn't have it in me to do anything.
Flashback to when I dropped her off for college, I told her i didn't think we would be able to make it through these months and that I thought she was going to break up with me during our time apart. We hugged and she promised she wouldn't. It was quiet three hour drive home but when I got back she was already in the zoom meeting waiting as if nothing was wrong. I later found out she only felt like there wasn't a spark when I wasn't around for a while.
So that night, I never closed the meeting and sure enough she came back before it closed. She texted me that this was stupid and that we're not breaking up like this. Kept texting me to let her in the meeting. I let her in. She said that she just feels like she's just not in a good place right now (her parents have this effect on her) and that she was going to keep her promise and wait until after we've had some time together in person (as in a few days living together) before she makes any big decisions. We talked further about what was bothering her and agreed it was time for me to go back to college rather than move into an apartment. This would reassure her about my stability and I would be able to work the job I always wanted (I always planned on college but I just wanted to move out first, guess I just needed a reality check).
We wouldn't be able to see each other in person again for at least a week, then after that another week before we can really spend more than two days together. I was very worried that we won't make it through those next few days. Although now it just feels like we're on life support right now and she's waiting to pull the plug.
Recently girlfriend has finally made her way back to college and away from her misery inducing parents. She would have three roommates (all women obviously), however they weren't there yet. Her parents weren't there anymore either. So she called me over and I came. There was some drama with finding parking in the bad part of the city but it all worked out and we spent the night together as well as most of the next day. Having finally been able to be sexually intimate, we had no hesitation at all there. It was nice long night
she seemed to enjoy it very much.
We had breakfast and went out, did some stuff in the city together, had a bite to eat. Then I had to go home.
I decided to check in with her about the relationship and see how she was feeling as this felt like a final goodbye rather than an "I'll see you later" sort of thing. What I heard was hard to swallow... (this is something I like about her, she's very analytical about everything and is brutally honest with me. She's found this website too, and as someone who swings both ways loves it.)
She said she still wasn't sure. She knows it would be easier to be with me but she doesn't see a happy future in the relationship anymore, saying that I don't seem stable enough for her (more on this in a minute) and that she just doesn't feel that spark anymore (more on this too in a minute). She just doesn't want to make a choice she's going to regret. She feels like she'll regret both options but doesn't want to waste too much time.
She went on about the problems she sees, and I made sure to keep an eye out for things to take away from this. So this is what I've got:
She doesn't feel like I'm stable in the sense of money and education. (and one other gut-wrenching thing I'll get to shortly)
Money: I've been scraping by paycheck to paycheck lately and it's stressed the shit out of her as an ambitious career oriented women who works full summers and has thousands in her bank account (although she also understands she doesn't have to make the same payments as me thanks to her big bucks parents who still wrongly think they're poor XD ).
Although there's a better paying job I can walk to and save money for gas on at a bank literally right in front of my house that pays better than either of us have ever been paid (about $20 an hour with training). I know I can get that job and made it clear to her I'm going to. (in fact, she's well aware of everything I've written here. I made sure to talk to her about all this)
Education: She doesn't see me going to college for something I want that'll be able to provide for us and actually succeeding. I was going to college online when we met for a bachelors in journalism so I could actually get my foot in the door as a writer, professionally. I ended up flunking out and destroying my GPA since I rarely actually attended class or did any work.
I'm currently planning on re-enrolling online to get my GPA back up this winter (thus allowing me to get into my preferred college in the summer) after I finish paying off my car and just focusing on school unlike how I did last time when I tried to half ass work and school at the same time.
But this last problem was the biggest gut punch of them all:
She doesn't find me attractive in a sense of charm or game like how I was when we first met and it shows in conversation. For her to feel my touch and being intimate again was really nice but she just doesn't feel anything more for me at this point than she would a hookup. The sex is great but doesn't feel an emotional spark anymore. She likes my company sometimes still but doesn't get excited to talk anymore (no more butterflies), everything just feels empty to her because she just doesn't find me that attractive anymore in that sense (although still very much so visually).
I completely see where she's coming from here. After a while, I made a common mistake: I just let myself go. In her words, I lost my mojo. I saw it happening throughout the relationship but just never really made the time to maintain my game or myself sometimes even. I just got caught up in work, video games, and the relationship. I even stopped writing (which I don't think is a good sign for wanna-be writers). So I'm working on my fundamentals again now. She's even okay with me flirting and going out with other women right now. Not exactly sure if I'll be able to get to the point where I'll be able to rekindle in time before the relationship officially dies (I've got four days starting now until we meet for the last time, she'll be coming over and staying with me for another four days to really give us a chance but also to gather her things). But I'm fighting until the bell rings on this one. She is too, even longer than that actually.
She said she's never had anything like this with anyone, ever. That I've really been a positive change in her life. And doesn't see it happening again with anyone else. She wants to keep in touch somewhat afterwards if this ends (and it probably will, I feel). But she said she will always be willing to hear me out and try something to make a relationship work between us. Even after we part ways.
She has no idea what to do and seems like she doesn't think there is but she's trying and she wants me to fix this somehow so badly. I've been searching for something that helps me figure out what I need to do to save this but I can't seem to find anything. I'm hoping that someone here can help us, I know we'd both be very grateful.
Rather than direct anyone to another thread, I figure I might as well just drop the details here so that the other problems I resolved don't take away from this.
On the 15th, I told my best friend that I wouldn't be going to the beach with him. He told me to just take care of my mental health, it's fine. So I stayed home with my Girlfriend of 9 months now. We've spend all of those 9 months together in some way, through video chat, phone calls, and of course a lot of in person time. Neither of us have been so close to anyone in our lives. Sometimes I look at her and I'm still stunned. She does the same, even now. When I found her, she was borderline suicidal (she's very happy with life right now and has gotten help). I was riding a high off of everything, my writing was picking up and my friends where a lot of fun to hang out with still. But she was gorgeous, Impressively smart (like she's actually going to Georgetown to be a lawyer), and very charming in the sense that I knew she was very experience and going to be a lot of fun. I found myself just wanting to spend more time with her, I found we actually had quite a few things in common and things we didn't complimented each other nicely. She felt the same. I could on for days about all the shit we've done and been through but that's not the point of this post.
The point is, about a month and a half ago I dropped her off at her school 3 hours away from me and we wouldn't be able to see each other for a week more than a month and a half. I didn't want this because we had both seen this coming but I knew that we might not make it that long apart. I don't think many relationships would. But there was nothing we could do. She has foreign parents and she understandable wants them in her life so she had to go and work with them for a while for some of the summer until school started up again.
One night, she told me she hasn't felt a spark between us since then. I can see where she's coming from. For a while I got sucked into video games, I let go of myself. I pretty much lost all my social skills, I forgot how to approach, I forgot how to have conversations that weren't so bland with anyone, really. I even noticed my voice slipping into a bad habit of talking with a nasally tone. And as a consequence, she started having less and less attraction to me. We can't really sleep together from so far apart, and I don't really have the fundamentals that made me... me, I'm not able to have the conversations she's nostalgic for between us. Where we could stay up until 5 in the morning talking about the dumbest shit. Or at least I hadn't been, I started looking into fundamentals while reading everything I can in search of saving this and it seems like I either never really lost it or like I was just able to hop back on with my fundamentals really easily.
Anyway, back to that night. She tried to break up with me. She said she didn't want to and that it might just be that we haven't hung out in person for so long but that she just didn't feel it anymore. I asked her what she thinks the problem is and she said she's worried about the long term. She's worried we won't be able to connect and have good conversations. She wants to be married to someone who makes her laugh and I haven't been able to do that lately. She also said that she's worried I don't have anything I'm working towards (as in I won't be able to provide for her), as I haven't gone to college yet (I flunked out before and gave up) and have had money problems a few times during our relationship in way that has put a strain on both of us.
We both fell into a sense of heartbreak, she cried but I couldn't I hadn't eaten anything yet and felt like if I cried as hard as I felt I would've thrown up. I just disconnected myself from reality and went somewhere I can't even remember right now. I think I went back to all of our greatest hits. The good times, you know? After a while she had a panic attack and snapped me back into the present before leaving the video chat abruptly. I looked around me and saw nothing left of my life but pain and misery. I wanted to die so bad but just didn't have it in me to do anything.
Flashback to when I dropped her off for college, I told her i didn't think we would be able to make it through these months and that I thought she was going to break up with me during our time apart. We hugged and she promised she wouldn't. It was quiet three hour drive home but when I got back she was already in the zoom meeting waiting as if nothing was wrong. I later found out she only felt like there wasn't a spark when I wasn't around for a while.
So that night, I never closed the meeting and sure enough she came back before it closed. She texted me that this was stupid and that we're not breaking up like this. Kept texting me to let her in the meeting. I let her in. She said that she just feels like she's just not in a good place right now (her parents have this effect on her) and that she was going to keep her promise and wait until after we've had some time together in person (as in a few days living together) before she makes any big decisions. We talked further about what was bothering her and agreed it was time for me to go back to college rather than move into an apartment. This would reassure her about my stability and I would be able to work the job I always wanted (I always planned on college but I just wanted to move out first, guess I just needed a reality check).
We wouldn't be able to see each other in person again for at least a week, then after that another week before we can really spend more than two days together. I was very worried that we won't make it through those next few days. Although now it just feels like we're on life support right now and she's waiting to pull the plug.
Recently girlfriend has finally made her way back to college and away from her misery inducing parents. She would have three roommates (all women obviously), however they weren't there yet. Her parents weren't there anymore either. So she called me over and I came. There was some drama with finding parking in the bad part of the city but it all worked out and we spent the night together as well as most of the next day. Having finally been able to be sexually intimate, we had no hesitation at all there. It was nice long night
she seemed to enjoy it very much.We had breakfast and went out, did some stuff in the city together, had a bite to eat. Then I had to go home.
I decided to check in with her about the relationship and see how she was feeling as this felt like a final goodbye rather than an "I'll see you later" sort of thing. What I heard was hard to swallow... (this is something I like about her, she's very analytical about everything and is brutally honest with me. She's found this website too, and as someone who swings both ways loves it.)
She said she still wasn't sure. She knows it would be easier to be with me but she doesn't see a happy future in the relationship anymore, saying that I don't seem stable enough for her (more on this in a minute) and that she just doesn't feel that spark anymore (more on this too in a minute). She just doesn't want to make a choice she's going to regret. She feels like she'll regret both options but doesn't want to waste too much time.
She went on about the problems she sees, and I made sure to keep an eye out for things to take away from this. So this is what I've got:
She doesn't feel like I'm stable in the sense of money and education. (and one other gut-wrenching thing I'll get to shortly)
Money: I've been scraping by paycheck to paycheck lately and it's stressed the shit out of her as an ambitious career oriented women who works full summers and has thousands in her bank account (although she also understands she doesn't have to make the same payments as me thanks to her big bucks parents who still wrongly think they're poor XD ).
Although there's a better paying job I can walk to and save money for gas on at a bank literally right in front of my house that pays better than either of us have ever been paid (about $20 an hour with training). I know I can get that job and made it clear to her I'm going to. (in fact, she's well aware of everything I've written here. I made sure to talk to her about all this)
Education: She doesn't see me going to college for something I want that'll be able to provide for us and actually succeeding. I was going to college online when we met for a bachelors in journalism so I could actually get my foot in the door as a writer, professionally. I ended up flunking out and destroying my GPA since I rarely actually attended class or did any work.
I'm currently planning on re-enrolling online to get my GPA back up this winter (thus allowing me to get into my preferred college in the summer) after I finish paying off my car and just focusing on school unlike how I did last time when I tried to half ass work and school at the same time.
(Additionally my preferred college just so happens to coincidentally to be much closer to her school than where I am now) Now, I'm not sure if writing would be something that could actually provide but I'd willing to minor in something else too just in case.
But this last problem was the biggest gut punch of them all:
She doesn't find me attractive in a sense of charm or game like how I was when we first met and it shows in conversation. For her to feel my touch and being intimate again was really nice but she just doesn't feel anything more for me at this point than she would a hookup. The sex is great but doesn't feel an emotional spark anymore. She likes my company sometimes still but doesn't get excited to talk anymore (no more butterflies), everything just feels empty to her because she just doesn't find me that attractive anymore in that sense (although still very much so visually).
I completely see where she's coming from here. After a while, I made a common mistake: I just let myself go. In her words, I lost my mojo. I saw it happening throughout the relationship but just never really made the time to maintain my game or myself sometimes even. I just got caught up in work, video games, and the relationship. I even stopped writing (which I don't think is a good sign for wanna-be writers). So I'm working on my fundamentals again now. She's even okay with me flirting and going out with other women right now. Not exactly sure if I'll be able to get to the point where I'll be able to rekindle in time before the relationship officially dies (I've got four days starting now until we meet for the last time, she'll be coming over and staying with me for another four days to really give us a chance but also to gather her things). But I'm fighting until the bell rings on this one. She is too, even longer than that actually.
She said she's never had anything like this with anyone, ever. That I've really been a positive change in her life. And doesn't see it happening again with anyone else. She wants to keep in touch somewhat afterwards if this ends (and it probably will, I feel). But she said she will always be willing to hear me out and try something to make a relationship work between us. Even after we part ways.
She has no idea what to do and seems like she doesn't think there is but she's trying and she wants me to fix this somehow so badly. I've been searching for something that helps me figure out what I need to do to save this but I can't seem to find anything. I'm hoping that someone here can help us, I know we'd both be very grateful.
