Unique Situation "We need space"

[dfwman]

I need your help fellas...

I started dating this 19 year old girl (I'm 28) about 6 months ago. I never thought the relationship would go anywhere due to the age gap but it did and we were dating exclusively after a few months. She went through my phone two weeks ago and found a recent text message of me requesting a nude pic from a girl. I was caught red handed and she asked for some space.

I gave her a week of radio silence then several days ago I called her to check up on her and she ended up coming over so we could talk. We ended up having sex again, multiple times. Sex has always been fantastic with her as I gave her her first orgasm (I can assure you not BS it took me having to purchase a hitachi wand). This visit I told her I would like to just ensure the time we spend together is fun and that is all that matters. She made me aware she is going out and just having fun with friends which I have also done.

We agreed we would hang out again tomorrow night and we also decided to head to my lake house this weekend to get away. This morning I messaged her asking if she was available for a concert that was two weeks away. She responded that this was not what her idea of space was.

As of now we are still set up to spend tomorrow night together and also this weekend. Should I cancel tomorrow/this weekend to give her space or how should I play this out? I am not sure if this matters but I know we would be having a lot of sex. Any help is MUCH appreciated!

P.S. I read the post "How to get your girlfriend back" and I believe this falls into "Stage 2 I'm Free!" because she asked for space. Many thanks in advance.

 

[Franco]

dfwman,

The issue right now is that your handling this the wrong way. The stance you need to have if you get caught cheating is something along the lines, "I'm sorry, I fucked up. I would like to continue seeing you as my girlfriend, but I understand if you want to end things here. I'll let you come to that decision."

As of right now, you're constantly the one texting/messaging her and trying to see her as if you're trying to make it up to her -- this comes from a place of desperation and neediness, and it's overall an unattractive quality to her and is only going to push her away. Also, the more you make this a big deal, the more she's going to make it a big deal. If you apologize for it and admit you fucked up and then move forward, she won't make it as big of a deal either. Your best bet is to let her come to you and talk to you about what she wants.

Keep in mind that once a girl has seen that you've tried to "cheat" on her before, she's going to become uber suspicious of all of your actions and try to keep heavy tabs on you. This usually leads to a lot more drama in your relationship, and it can ultimately be something that causes it to crash and burn.

I would just be a lot more laid back about the situation (making it seem like YOU don't think it's a big deal, but you understand why SHE thinks it's a big deal). So you need to have more of a "I'm here if you want to come back to me" mentality rather than a "let me do these things for you to show you I still care" mentality.

- Franco

 

[dfwman]

Franco,

Thanks for the fast response, I feel better already. Wow you really hit the nail on the head here. Most importantly my mentality has been, "Let me do these things for you to show you I still care" as you put it. Also I am the one texting/communicating more. What's crazy to me is when I met her I was talking to multiple girls and I felt like she was the one that was doing all the chasing and recently the script flipped. I really do care for her and don't want to hurt her as she is young and vulnerable so I like your approach to just back off and let her come to me if she wants to.

That being said, we are still set to hang out tomorrow night and this weekend. Do you suggest I just play it cool and just see if she contacts me tomorrow night? Planning this weekend together seems silly now and I almost want to make up an excuse why I can't go to give her space. Any suggestions? Thanks again, you really helped me make sense of this situation I created.

-Dfwman

 

[Franco]

dfwman,

That being said, we are still set to hang out tomorrow night and this weekend. Do you suggest I just play it cool and just see if she contacts me tomorrow night? Planning this weekend together seems silly now and I almost want to make up an excuse why I can't go to give her space. Any suggestions? Thanks again, you really helped me make sense of this situation I created.

I wouldn't cancel on her as that would seem more suspicious than just letting things ride out. If she happens to cancel on you, and uses the excuse that you're still seeing each other too much, then that is your opportunity to say something along the lines of:

"You: Look, I've been trying to find a balance right now of seeing you to show you that I care but also giving you the space that you asked for. However, it seems like the majority of time that I suggest we hang out, you say that "this is not your idea of space," and you cancel on me anyway. I don't like the idea of having to play this game of 'find the right balance,' so I'm going to stop doing this. If you want to see me on a regular basis, then I want you to let me know that. If you want some space, then you need to be the one to let me know when you're ready to see me. I'm not going to keep prodding you to come see me and guessing what you're thinking."

This will probably help counteract the precedent that you've set of constantly contacting her and chasing her through her emotions. At this point, she'll know that she needs to contact you if she wants to see you, or she can basically agree to "be over it," put it behind her, and start seeing you regularly again. You'll need to be firm in your stance if she decides to cause some drama after you state this, so just be aware of that.

NOTE: If she does not cancel on you and just starts seeing you regularly again anyway, do not bring this up. This is only under the scenario that she attempts to continually control when you do or do not get to see her.

- Franco

 

[dfwman]

Franco,

Thanks bud, exactly what I needed to hear. You have given me valuable insight into this situation and helped lead me in the right direction. Pretty cool community here, thanks again.

-Dfwman