Unresolved Sexual Tension

[Joy]

A quick google search for this term produces pages upon pages of analysis of sexual tension within the media such as long-running television shows, books, and etc.
That isn't quite what I want to talk about. Instead I wish to discuss sexual tension between a man and a woman that goes nowhere.

Now I'm nowhere as experienced at romance as I would like to be and have thus found myself in the following predicament many times, and I'm sure many people can relate.

Boy meets girl. They like each other and sparks fly. Things proceed until a certain critical point where the tension must be resolved in some fashion [read escalation window].
Now from here the interaction can either escalate or fizzle out. Let's say the boy doesn't take the initiative, what happens next?

The girl experiences frustration. An attractive female co-worker of mine was discussing a guy that's been courting her for some time with me. She confessed that all she wanted was for this guy to grow a pair and make a move. He didn't. She moved on because she had options; he did not because he was invested and continued to court her from a distance without even realizing she was long gone. What happened here is that she experienced unresolved sexual tension - which led to frustration - which led to negativity. She quickly cured that by having sex with another guy she was only sort-of into though (where-as she actually really liked the first guy) and then went on to happily live her life dating the new guy whereas the first guy was left frustrated, stressed, and tense. This negative tension pushed the girl further away (because it sparked negative/confrontational tension within her which she wanted to avoid). This led him further down the rabbit-hole of frustration.

Similar painful personal experiences also suggest that sexual tension cannot last long between real (non-fictional) people that are in close proximity to each-other. It either results in sex, fizzles out (where both parties lose interest), or results in negative tension. I lost two good female friends to it. I failed to make things happen with then and ended up in their friend-zones. Rather than backing off and allowing for some respite and a reset for our interaction as is universally advertised in these scenarios I thought that if I just start building sexual tension with them (through casual flirting, increased touch, and etc.) things will work out. Well the thing is that it worked - sort of. The sexual tension did build - the problem was that it didn't have a way out. The girls were uncomfortable with having sex with a "friend" in their close proximity and the tension had nowhere to go. As a result it turned negative and our interactions increasingly became saturated with frustration and negativity. As you can imagine things didn't end well. One girl cut me off completely and seemingly out of the blue - there was no fight or anything - she was just gone. It was a pity too because, as a friend, she was actually a very good friend to me. The other one smoothly and gracefully distanced herself by becoming busy and unavailable.

The truth is that nobody likes negativity and it seems that negative tension is a quick way to lose a girl. Thus, it would seem that the best time to escalate is when logistics are aligned; otherwise escalating at a wrong time works against you in seduction.

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Have any of you had similar experiences? What are your thoughts on this matter? Did any of you have happy endings in spite of negativity?

 

[Improvementalist]

This is something I think almost everybody can relate to. This includes me.

I've had sexual tension without resolve going on too many times. First time I could recognize sexual tension within me, but couldn't make anything of the other person whether she was also having it or not. Later I knew that she had it, but my insecurity towards her sexual tension (That I couldn't confirm it), and thus the lack of movement killed the whole thing.

Later I became more skilled. I could recognize secual tension, but missed escalation windows. This was before CG.

Now I can almost certainly recognize the sexual tension which the other person may have, using the "assume attraction"-principle. But still, I cannot make a move. I've been too careful in escalating, instead overanalyzing things.

Let me write about the current case, which is related to this.

Currently there's the girl X and girl Y.

Girl X showed some initiative by asking me for a lunch date. This may not prove that a girl's interested, but let's not go into it right now.
I botched up a couple of things, telling her to "let me know if she needs lunch company in the future".
Later I asked her for another meeting at a local place during daytime. She said "She didn't really have time for it now.". I asked her about it later, and she didn't respond.
This made me think back then, why was it that she behaved like this? Did my attraction expire? Was I not fit for her - she did after all leave the first lunch date in quite a rush, almost bolting from the table.
Looking at it now, after researching the CG-articles I was like, "Damn. Couldn't have been forcing myself better into the friend zone. "Too" bad this girl's doesn't want me to be just some coffee guy, but perhaps something more."

I started noting how she's interested of knowing more of things about me. And naturally not just that, but those nonverbal sings especially.

After reading the CG-articles, I consciously developed some of my skills, and started noting things. How she talks to people, but may turn her eyes towards me at the same time, even though she's talking to someone else. How she lifts her jeans in front of me when she raises from her seat next to me. And how she plays with her hair when talking to me, and occasionally fixes her clothes to a better position.

And eventually the sexual tension, when she's a bit drunk a a party evening and how she's clearly full of sexual tension (perhaps raised by the interest towards a certain person), and instead of turning it towards me, she directs it to just a random bloke. Sometimes the guy doesn't even see it coming, but of course he doesn't mind a girl pouncing on him.

At this point I can say I could probably have this girl. The signs are there, it all just misses us both directing this tension towards each other, plus proper escalation.

But the inhibitors which I'm fighting with, are:

- We are in each others social circle, and this can mix things.
- Does this girl really want me as her FB? We are bot FR and she's possibly but not certainly IN (just like me). What if I find out she wants a relationship out of me, when I'm just looking for an occasional good time?
- If things end up awry, it can become quite complicated. As I said, we are in each others social circle, and stumble upon each other on a regular basis. We have mutual friends.

- If she's okay with the whole FB-thing, then I'm definitely cool with it.

- But still, there's the thing with the girl Y:


Girl Y is a good friend of girl X. Girl Y showed some IOI in me, and this sparked my interest towards her.

Due time the sexual signals became more apparent, but the IN that I am, I missed the escalation windows AGAIN, leaving the scene when I should have done the exact opposite and go to her, order a drink for her. Talk with her and move things forward.

Still, because of these signals I became even more interested of her. Even so interested that I went and put her on a friggin' pedestal. See how bad I'm with this that I should actually be good with it?

Well, I eventually ended up chasing her, and of course she turned for the passive/hard to get-mode.

I may have a chance in gettings things warming up with this girl Y, thanks to the new information from this site, but the dilemma here is:

- Naturally I fear I can't have both of them. I think that girl X seems to be wanting it more (Well, the girl Y is an FT so maybe she doesn't show it so visibly), but picking girl X might close the doors for girl Y. And girl Y is, in the end, who I'm really hot and heavy, maybe even too much into that I'm going to the "can't get her out of my mind"-mode. Though this I sensed and calmed myself down. Girl Y is the one I could actually end up dating in the future.


Or maybe I should just go for pre-selection by making a move towards interesting and unknown girls at the bar, when these two are around? This is after all what these two always do (them heading for unknown men), so why not beat them in their own game?

And who knows, maybe I end up with a girl who's even better than these two?

 

[Drck]

Yes. Understanding sexual tension is a key of understanding seduction and dating in general. Boy meets girl, and there is the natural attraction, sparks are flying. The tension is too high, she gets too nervous, and she wants to decrease the tension by postponing sex.

What do most guys do? They comply with her. They ask for phone number, they want to setup another date, they want to talk more. They don’t even think there is a possibility of having sex on the first date. They want to make her feel comfortable, they want to know everything about her first, they want to tell her everything about themselves first. So they go for 1st, 2nd and 3rd date, and nothing is still happening. Now most of the attraction she had for him drops, the excitement is disappearing. She goes for another date, and all he wants to do is talk and talk, there is no or minimal action…

So she gets bored. She dates another guy, and the story is always the same. While the attraction is high, none of them pushes for action, none of them pushes for sex. She dates 10-15 other guys, same story….

What is happening now? Now she doesn’t even bother to date more guys. She meets a guy and goes for a date, but he doesn’t push for sex, there is no action at all – so he is out. She doesn’t waste more time on him, she already knows what his story is. He is the same story like the other guys.

If she already has some experience with going out with different guys – and if she is good looking she has – how does she look at a guy who approaches her, asks her for number and leaves without even trying to get a date right there? Right there he doesn’t have too many chances, right there she sees him as being shy and inexperienced. If she really likes him she might give him one date, but that it. And the guy is still wondering why it that he approached so many girls is yet he can’t get any dates… She didn’t even reject him but he’s already moved himself into a category of nice guy who is taking it nice and easy, nice and slow… This is probably 95-99% of all the guys she knows…

And now, what does she think about a guy who presents himself as sexy and charming, who looks confident and dominant, who can have great conversation with her and who appears to have lots of experience with handling hot girls – but he still doesn’t push for sex right away? Instead he is also asking for more and more dates, he is texting and calling more? He is deep diving more and more..??? She gets disappointed with him even more than with regular guy. She might even think that she is not sexy enough for him. She knows that if she goes out with him that her hopes and her excitement will get too high – and then most likely nothing will happen, just like with the other guys… She can get pissed and frustrated, so it is better if she doesn’t go for that second date… Negative tension is there, he is shifted into her friend zone, she might even become cold, bitchy...

It is too much emotional investment for her to go for more dates with guy like this, he gets her expectations high because he is sexy, charming and confident – and there comes the disappointment because he doesn’t move things forward… She likes him a lot but she won’t go for second date, it is just too much…

No, don’t do that. Don’t pretend, don’t try to be too charming, don’t deep dive too much, don’t appear too sexy and don’t be too confident. Don’t do it – unless you can really push for sex and then close. Just be normal and casual instead, at least this way she won’t get disappointed with you… It is much better if you appear just casual and normal guy who is persistently pushing for sex, rather than sexy, confident and charming guy who doesn’t push at all…