Validation seeking behavior and my skeletons in the closet.

[IrishConrad]

Gentleman,

Touchy subject here but I know it holds the key to releasing some of weight and baggage I'm carrying that does not need to be there.

I'll jump right in to why I think I seek validation through women's approval and where potential hangups with sex come from.

here we go.

I was raised in a strict Irish catholic home. sex education started early and you can imagine how backwards my parents approach to teaching the ways of the world and what god wanted where. Sex was a sin outside of marriage and women were not sexual creatures. Sex was for making babies and there was only certain times of the month you could have sex. I would go into more details but it is pretty fucked up and shaped the better part of my adolescence and teenage years.

Not only was I being raised this way. But both of my parents had wicked tempers. I was often given the belt, grounded for days or months, and always told no. Needless to say I didn't have very much confidence growing up and struggled with relationships with girls. I was very shy and never wanted to get into trouble.

Fast forward to High School. I start playing football and the gym becomes my escape from home. I find my place in sports, start doing well and school, and by my sophmore year I am dating one of the hottest girls in the school and she is a grade older than me. I started to get some real confidence and proceeded to date the same girl for three years and into my freshman year until she cheated on me. I was crushed and we never spoke much after that again.

I then spent the better part of my young 20's not very successful with women and had a hard time finding my place. I had a low sense of self worth most of the time and was never satisfied with where I was at. I went in and out of college, became a wildland firefighter, and traveled through Europe for a year. I was all over the place and never really had much luck or confidence with women for the better part of 5 years. I think I hooped up with 3 girls in that span....

Three years ago I moved to my current city and met a gorgeous girl from out of town on my first day on a campus tour as I was looking at going back to school. We went to lunch, exchanged phone numbers, and I went on my way. We spoke about 2-3 times a month for 6 months until she finally moved here for school. She asked if she could stay with me while she looked for places to live and I immediately said yes. Her first night here I took her out on the town and we proceeded to hook up the first night out together. This turned out to be a great 4 nights of sex that had fallen right into my lap. and she was fun, smart, and gorgeous. We hit it off great and I was already in love as you can imagine. (I hadn't been with many girls)

Then she moved out here...and fell of the face of the earth. I offered to help her move....nothing. In the span of her first month out here we never hooked up and I saw her maybe twice. On two occasions she said she was busy and had "friends" coming out to meet her. I would later find out that this friend was a guy she was dating. He had flown out to see her twice.

I found this out 6 months after I was in full on relationship with her. We only started dating and getting serious after the guy that was flying out here was history. I doubt to this day that he knows she came out here and hooked up with me just as I had no idea he was flying out here and hooking up with her.

6 months turned into 2 years with this girl. I always knew she was bad news after lying to me for so long. I always had a horrible feeling in my cut when we first started dating that something was wrong about her and I chose to ignore it. I lived for the moments I had her in bed. I was addicted to the bits of validation I would receive but knew all along she was trouble.

At 28 years old and three years since I met this girl...I'm still hung up on her.

I'm 6'2" tall, athletic, play rugby now, I'm in a job I love...I have great friends and family....but I can't understand why I seek crumbs of validation from a girl who brought my self worth to an all time low while we where together. I know I can do better most days and others I want to be at a point where I know she wants me.

She is a borderline narcissist, has little to no empathy, kissed on of my friends while drunk at a party, has lied to me countless times....but still I want her to want me.

I block so much of that out and started out 2013 sleeping with her again after a serious events that led to me falling in love(lust) for her all over again. It wasn't until I woke up in her bed one morning and saw her out with another guy that same night that that ended....again. I'm still beating myself up for falling for her again.

Recap***

I had little to no real(great) sex and fun with a girl until I met her. She was wild and confident and free. She'd probably had 3x the amount of partners I had but it didn't matter as long as she was faithful to me. But she wasn't and always had guys pining after her....including many of the guy "friends" that she had when we entered into a relationship. She's loves her attention from guys and all I wanted was her attention on me. I had that for 2 years and spent a good part of my time after the breakup wondering how I could get it back...talk about unhealthy.

I need to reset my way of thinking when it comes to women and future relationships. I have read that 'nice' guys can be attracted to "abusive" women and that really messes with my head because I feel it is true.

If I have some game, confidence, and overall swagger most of the time these days...why do you think it all comes to crashing halt because of one girl that I happened to have my most intimate desires and needs met by?

I went out on Valintines day to an very quiet downtown but had no problem approaching what few available women were out that night. I tall attractive blonde took me home that night night and I still woke up the next day thinking about my shitty ex girlfriend...this has to stop

 

[Nuncle]

Re: Validation seeking behavior and my skeletons in the clos

Ouch, that's horrible!

Its a sad fact that when one is obsessed with a girl the obsession does continue long after you realise she does not have the qualities you fell for in the first place.

I think all you can do is roll with it until the obsession burns itself out, which it will.

I fell for a girl in my mid twenties because of what I thought was her sweet and quirky nature. I was unable to drop the obsession even after she got drunk in front of me one night and went home with a married man, whom she knew was married. For two years after that I was still obsessed with her. Then, about eight years later I happened to move into her neighbourhood and would occassionally see her in the supermarket or whatever. It meant absolutely nothing to me. She may as well have been a total stranger, just another person in the supermarket.

Even Chase tells us on his blog that he once wasted 8 or 10 years hung up on the same unattainable girl!

 

[IrishConrad]

Re: Validation seeking behavior and my skeletons in the clos

I went into my past and how as was raised because like most of you I believe it had played in integral in how I tend to lose power in a relationship and in my life.

In case of this girl. I do not believe she is unattainable...I do feel like I can and should do better for myself. I just can't figure out why I still want her to notice I'm around.

Once we started hooking up again she said something that hurt but also motivated me. Her exact words were, "you're still the same guy, and I don't want to have anything to do with him."

How does someone lie to someone, and themselves and still find a way to turn something against them. When I started to say that she obviously hadn't changed either she stormed out of the room and I have yet to speak to her since. Even though I want to have her in my bed again....it's insane that I would even want to be close to her let alone talk to her again.

 

[Little Jester]

Re: Validation seeking behavior and my skeletons in the clos

What works for me when I'm too too much into a girl, or something else in my life, is to register those feelings and tell myself it is okay to feel like that. That it makes me a human being to feel emotions. That simple act of registering and telling myself it's okay, makes the feelings less strong and let them burn out sooner. Trick there is getting your logical conscious mind to take control over your emotional unconscious mind and not the other way around. Might work for some of you guys and might work to control this beast here too.

At least it keeps my own emotions in check ever since I started to do this simple exercise and thus I'm more and more able to keep my cool with anything emotional as it works with everything. "It's okay to have feelings", "It's okay to be angry", "It's okay to feel excited", "It's okay to feel sad" and voila; I no longer have (strong) feelings for her, am no longer angry about something, don't feel excited or sad. Maybe sounds silly, but it holds true for me. It's like snapping out of that emotion.

 

[Nuncle]

Re: Validation seeking behavior and my skeletons in the clos

Well, your past does sound challenging but that said your current dilemna (and previous ones like the girl in High School) are pretty common ones regardless of past.

I didn't mean unattainable in the sense of out-of-your-league goddess. I just meant a girl who is never going to give you exactly what you want and who becomes a lot more difficult to "tame" just by the simple fact you are infatuated with her. Yes, you have surrendered the power to her but again that is fairly universal when a guy falls for a girl.

Don't know if you have ever read any self-help books on the themes of self-esteem/self confidence? There are some really good ones (and not so good ones). Might be worth checking your local bookstore.

 

[IrishConrad]

Re: Validation seeking behavior and my skeletons in the clos

Thanks for the words of encouragement.

I went out on a date last night with a tall, attractive, blond who is quite the head turner. She has a unique look and and killer smile.

The entire time I was out with her I was comparing her to my ex. I even missed my ex even though I was having a great time with this girl.

The night closed out with her cooking me an amazing meal after the bar(something my ex never did) and we had a great love making session.

This morning, I wake up still thinking about my ex who is now traveling through central america and now sending me messages.

I feal trapt where no amount of sex, interaction ,or flirting with other girls will get her off my mind!

 

[Nuncle]

Re: Validation seeking behavior and my skeletons in the clos

Yep, been there, done that. It really is the most horrendous feeling.

This woman aside you do seem to be putting a very pessimistic filter on what is actually a pretty rosy dating situation, maybe because of your background. Again some work on your self esteem would help with this, because your dating history not seen through that filter is actually one a lot of guys would envy.

Then you can develop the abundance mentality that will in future stop you getting hung up on one girl.

 

[skin_man]

Re: Validation seeking behavior and my skeletons in the clos

Dude you're still getting laid tho.! =)

It will pass. Let yourself believe this: "I'll get many more girls with her kind of qualities or better."

Also, quit contacting her or comparing her. It might take some months for this to wear out but there's hope.

Enjoy!!