Hi all. My dating goal is to meet a woman with whom I can settle down and have a family. I'm a mid 30s guy and I want to meet a woman satisfying these things. Under 30 (most of the women I dated were this age and it felt like a good vibe, plus I want the best chance of good fertility), into health/wellness (because I am), not a heavy drinker and not too curvy. I have failed to do well with any woman like that for 5+ years. Could we see where I have gone wrong? Here are my stats. LRs below refer to first time lay reports.
Q3 2023:
Worked with a dating coach who did some cold approach with me in the park. He also gave me some date coaching. Didn't get any dates or results and I started to have the feeling that he didn't know much what he was doing or at least that he couldn't help a basket case like me. So I stopped working with him. I had a previous dating coach before that but it's probably too far in the past to worry about.
Q4 2023:
Total first dates: 9, all from online dating systems.
Total second dates: 3
Total third dates or beyond: 0.
Total LRs: 0.
Worst fail: Two good dates with a woman who really seemed into me and was quite similar to me personality wise. While I was trying to schedule the third date, she sent some message about how she is not over her past dating experiences and, although she likes me, she will, for that reason, end things with me.
2024:
Total first dates: 18, all from online dating systems.
Total second dates: 5 (1 carried over from previous year)
Total third dates or beyond: 0
Total LRs: 1
The LR was with a woman who left town a few months later, so that relationship was not going to last even if we had wanted it to.
Worst fails.
-Ran the same dinner date with two women who fit the criteria one week apart and got dumped by both.
-Between date 2 and date 3, pretty much the same thing as what happened in Q4 2023 happened. I scheduled our third date, had to reschedule because of a family thing and got dumped.
-Went on a first date with a woman who satisfied the criteria and thought that I blew it. To my surprise, she wanted to go on another date. But after that date, I was summarily put into the friends bracket.
2025 (so far):
Total first dates: 12. 10 of these were from online dating systems and 2 were from dating events.
Total second dates: 4
Total third dates or beyond: Up to 5 with same woman
Total LRs: 1
Total dating events attended: 5
This year I got into a mini relationship. But the woman wasn't quite right for me so it was doomed to end, and it did. Fortunately, there is no animosity. But at the end of it all, I'm still stuck where I was at the start. That was where my LR came from.
Worst fails
-Went on what I thought was a good first date and agreed on a second date. Then the woman bailed on the second date because of issues at work.
-Went on two dates with a marriage minded woman. After each date she sent me encouraging texts like suggesting that we should go out again and used callback humor, calling back to stuff we discussed on the date. The third date was scheduled and she seemed excited for it. A few days before it, she called the date and the whole thing off, giving a generic reason like saying that she didn't feel a good connection. I feel like I screwed up with my texting but actually this is a common theme over the past few years. I'm still recovering from this one, because I was really ready to get into a proper relationship and be done with this dating stuff.
So how can I fix and diagnose this? A few notes about me
-I have poor fundamentals and poor looks. For this reason, I seem to get better results from online dating systems than at the dating events. At dating events, a woman could take one look and decide no. On the online dating systems, I look smart or nerdy or ambitious etc. in my photos and this would make up for my looks.
-I have poor logistics. I am in a big city and all these women were from all over. My family live with me. The LRs have been at the woman's place or a hotel. It seems like one way to stop getting killed between the second date and the third is to push for an intimate date before that. So do I need to seed the hotel pull in the first date and then suggest it for the second date (add one to the date numbers if the first date is a brief informational date of 1 hour or less)?
-I have started going to dating events this year because I really want to get this area of my life sorted and be on the path to becoming a family man. But I really don't seem to be competitive at them. The feeling is that I can make my opener to a woman and in a minute or two she has to get going to the bathroom or to her friend or to the bar. When it happens so quickly it seems like a pure looks based rejection that I can't do anything about.
-I likely have mild autism. But I think that it doesn't affect me more socially, but more the way that I argue and plan my life. So I can't really blame it for my bad results.
-I worry that my criteria are too restrictive. For example, when I say 'not too curvy' have I eliminated like 40% of women off the bat?
-I worry that I am not doing enough. I had an aim of 20 dates per year but this seems insufficient. I'd like an opinion on what a good work rate is.
Q3 2023:
Worked with a dating coach who did some cold approach with me in the park. He also gave me some date coaching. Didn't get any dates or results and I started to have the feeling that he didn't know much what he was doing or at least that he couldn't help a basket case like me. So I stopped working with him. I had a previous dating coach before that but it's probably too far in the past to worry about.
Q4 2023:
Total first dates: 9, all from online dating systems.
Total second dates: 3
Total third dates or beyond: 0.
Total LRs: 0.
Worst fail: Two good dates with a woman who really seemed into me and was quite similar to me personality wise. While I was trying to schedule the third date, she sent some message about how she is not over her past dating experiences and, although she likes me, she will, for that reason, end things with me.
2024:
Total first dates: 18, all from online dating systems.
Total second dates: 5 (1 carried over from previous year)
Total third dates or beyond: 0
Total LRs: 1
The LR was with a woman who left town a few months later, so that relationship was not going to last even if we had wanted it to.
Worst fails.
-Ran the same dinner date with two women who fit the criteria one week apart and got dumped by both.
-Between date 2 and date 3, pretty much the same thing as what happened in Q4 2023 happened. I scheduled our third date, had to reschedule because of a family thing and got dumped.
-Went on a first date with a woman who satisfied the criteria and thought that I blew it. To my surprise, she wanted to go on another date. But after that date, I was summarily put into the friends bracket.
2025 (so far):
Total first dates: 12. 10 of these were from online dating systems and 2 were from dating events.
Total second dates: 4
Total third dates or beyond: Up to 5 with same woman
Total LRs: 1
Total dating events attended: 5
This year I got into a mini relationship. But the woman wasn't quite right for me so it was doomed to end, and it did. Fortunately, there is no animosity. But at the end of it all, I'm still stuck where I was at the start. That was where my LR came from.
Worst fails
-Went on what I thought was a good first date and agreed on a second date. Then the woman bailed on the second date because of issues at work.
-Went on two dates with a marriage minded woman. After each date she sent me encouraging texts like suggesting that we should go out again and used callback humor, calling back to stuff we discussed on the date. The third date was scheduled and she seemed excited for it. A few days before it, she called the date and the whole thing off, giving a generic reason like saying that she didn't feel a good connection. I feel like I screwed up with my texting but actually this is a common theme over the past few years. I'm still recovering from this one, because I was really ready to get into a proper relationship and be done with this dating stuff.
So how can I fix and diagnose this? A few notes about me
-I have poor fundamentals and poor looks. For this reason, I seem to get better results from online dating systems than at the dating events. At dating events, a woman could take one look and decide no. On the online dating systems, I look smart or nerdy or ambitious etc. in my photos and this would make up for my looks.
-I have poor logistics. I am in a big city and all these women were from all over. My family live with me. The LRs have been at the woman's place or a hotel. It seems like one way to stop getting killed between the second date and the third is to push for an intimate date before that. So do I need to seed the hotel pull in the first date and then suggest it for the second date (add one to the date numbers if the first date is a brief informational date of 1 hour or less)?
-I have started going to dating events this year because I really want to get this area of my life sorted and be on the path to becoming a family man. But I really don't seem to be competitive at them. The feeling is that I can make my opener to a woman and in a minute or two she has to get going to the bathroom or to her friend or to the bar. When it happens so quickly it seems like a pure looks based rejection that I can't do anything about.
-I likely have mild autism. But I think that it doesn't affect me more socially, but more the way that I argue and plan my life. So I can't really blame it for my bad results.
-I worry that my criteria are too restrictive. For example, when I say 'not too curvy' have I eliminated like 40% of women off the bat?
-I worry that I am not doing enough. I had an aim of 20 dates per year but this seems insufficient. I'd like an opinion on what a good work rate is.
