Way To React After Rejection During Social Circle / Workplace

[PeacockMan]

Hello

This is my 2nd post here. To give a quick summary about my skill level with people and girls:

• I'm generally a liked person at work (not popular by any means) but people show decent human respect around me
• I've not had sex since 2022
• I'm very much focused on my career at this point than I am at girls however I do go through the occasional down feeling of not having a consistent girl

That said, here is my situation in summary.

At my job, the company bus picks up staff in the mornings and at nights to take us from one city to the next and on my bus there are roughly 10 female and 3 male coworkers. I like having fun and debating conversations occasionally on the bus and the ladies also enjoy the regular conversation as well.

So about 3 weeks ago there was a popup joke that myself and another girl on the bus were boyfriend/girlfriend (which is not the case). But I have always liked this girl and I guess the way I behaved made it obvious to the other ladies and they started running jokes about it and flirting with myself and her about it. Things the other ladies would do either during work hours or while we were on the company bus are:

- The ladies would come to myself or her whenever each of us were talking to the opposite gender at work and joke to keep an eye out
- Ask me "So PeacockMan your girlfriend is coming off the bus, are you not going inside with her tonight?"
- Me talking to another girl at work and one of the ladies see me "I'm going to tell your girlfriend you are out here talking to another woman"

and on and on with the jokes

It went on to the point where this girl I liked was giving me strong indicators she liked me as well. In fact last week Friday October 6th, before the bus departed work to take us home, a few of the females were on the bus and we were sharing a lot of jokes and the girl I like (let's call her Kiesha) said in front of all the other females

"PeacockMan if you want all 3 of us to be your girlfriend, you can have it" (and the way she said it was not in a joking manner, it felt like she meant it and the other ladies started blushing more)

We have a very good connection with our bus driver, so that night he decided to stop at KFC and PizzaHut to treat us all. So while 3 of the ladies went inside to order the food, I called Kiesha out of the bus to talk with her privately. To the best of my memory here is the conversation

PeacockMan: So Kiesha I'm trying to remember how the team started this joke that we are boyfriend and girlfriend

Kiesha: Lol I don't even know

PeacockMan: I think it's Betty who started it lol

Kiesha: Lol

PeacockMan: Well there is actually some truth to it and that is I like you a lot

Kiesha: (smile) So why didn't you tell me all along

PeacockMan: Well I don't usually date women at work but occasionally I take the chance if I really like them

Kiesha: (very large smile)

... I don't remember the rest but basically I told her that if I reach out to her via phone, that was the reason why (we already have each others phone numbers since there is a team Whatsapp group where everyone's number is visible). Then I told her I was going inside the KFC to help the ladies bring out the food orders. And Kiesha went back in the bus.

....................................................................................

Wednesday October 11, 2023

It was in the morning shortly after we came to work and I left my work station to go in the company food court to get breakfast and she also happened to be in the food court as well ordering breakfast. As she was about to walk past me I called to her and the conversation went something like this:

PeacockMan: (Approaching her from the side) Hey Kiesha quick query. Usually when I am at work I am in a work mode and so that's why when I got home last night I had called you and the reason is I wanted to ask you out and take you somewhere nice.

Kiesha: (smiles) I'm usually in a work mode as well

PeacockMan: I'm also a very private person hence why I didn't ask you in front of the team or on the bus but I'd love to chat with you more and let's figure it out... I'm thinking maybe a Saturday night when we get off work or on a Monday when we have a day off

Kiesha: sure (smiles)

PeacockMan: Great is it cool if I call you tonight and we talk more?

Kiesha: Yes (smiles)

PeacockMan: Cool (smiles)

As we were talking she was making her way back into the work production space and I was walking along side her and then after that last sentence of conversation I turned back to return to getting my breakfast.


My Return To The Production Space

I sit in the same row as Kiesha and a few other females on my team and when I returned to begin my work day I noticed 2 of the ladies and Kiesha were having very animated conversation. And as I passed them, the other 2 ladies called me and the conversation went like this:

Paula: Hey PeacockMan I was wondering when myself and the other ladies joke that you and Kiesha are together, you know it's a joke right?

PeacockMan: Lol of course I know it's a joke

Ashley: We just thought to ask you because we don't want to make you or her uncomfortable. I remember the time people were going around with rumors of me dating another guy when were were just work friends and it became annoying after awhile.

Kiesha: (over hears the conversation and intervenes) Hey PeacockMan what did you tell them?

PeacockMan: I didn't tell them anything this just came from out of nowhere

Paula: Kiesha turn around because we not talking to you now. So PeacockMan you do know that Kiesha already has a boyfriend.

Kiesha: (intervenes again) No I'm dating (and smiles at me)

Paula: Ok girl we know lol. So PeacockMan are you single?

PeacockMan: I'm dating as well

Ashley: So you don't mind us running the jokes that you 2 are dating?

PeacockMan: I don't mind at all lol

Ashley: Ok if you are ok with it we will keep the jokes coming lol

(We ended the conversation there laughing. But in the back of my mind I suspect that Kiesha told them something... because all of a coincidence the moment I ask out Kiesha the 2 ladies who sit right next to her decide

.........................................................................

That Night

After work last night as we were walking outside to the company bus, it just so happened that myself and her were walking in close proximity and I turned to her and said

PeacockMan: Around what time you get home at night?

Kiesha: Around 9PM

PeacockMan: Cool is it ok if I call you around that time?

Kiesha: Sure

Then I opened the bus door and let her in and the rest of my coworkers also made their way (but did not hear our brief conversation).


9PM To 10:30PM Calls & Whatsapp Texts

After I got home, i rested myself, did some errands and when it was 9:26PM I called and she declined the call. So I sent a Whatsapp message at 9:28PM saying "What time you can talk? I'll call back then". Then I call her again at 10:20PM and this time the call just rang to no answer or decline. And no response to the Whatsapp message either

Today At Work October 12

I read an article a long time ago somewhere on either GC or another website that when a girl rejects you (or there is perceived rejection) to keep your cool. So today at work I kept my cool and I resumed flirting with her and the other females as I usually do... I gave off no bad vibes to her. However I did notice that on 2 of the 3 occasions I spoke with her today, she was less talkative than previous days. In fact it seemed as if she felt some shame or was giving me an off vibe she was not interested in any conversation with myself. I also noticed when she was talking to the other ladies, she seemed very upbeat and positive.

So based on the situation, I'm wondering if it's a lost cause? Should I just revert to talking to her like nothing happened? I read somewhere that one of the best ways to be civil or not let a girl get the impression that I am butt hurt over her rejection is to just shrug it off. Especially in an office work environment I'm thinking to just let it go and resume flirting with her and the other ladies as usual.

Maybe over time she will come around and show interest. Maybe she never will. But I'm just looking to understand how to treat the situation.

Thanks

PeacockMan

 

[rockstar]

So, biggest things that stand out:

1. Having this open joke with everyone about her being your work girlfriend isn't good and puts way too much pressure on her, especially after you did that feelings confession thing. This would be fine, and even good, if it were just between you two, but having other people lead the joke here is bad. I would have jokingly disqualified this, from the very first time.

2. This whole sequence:

PeacockMan: So Kiesha I'm trying to remember how the team started this joke that we are boyfriend and girlfriend

Kiesha: Lol I don't even know

PeacockMan: I think it's Betty who started it lol

Kiesha: Lol

PeacockMan: Well there is actually some truth to it and that is I like you a lot

Kiesha: (smile) So why didn't you tell me all along

PeacockMan: Well I don't usually date women at work but occasionally I take the chance if I really like them

Kiesha: (very large smile)

and the date ask after are pretty bad. What are you trying to accomplish with this? It sounds like you haven't made any real connection with this girl yet and you're making this lame, serious, high-pressure vibe with her. Now the bf/gf jokes are going to make her feel a ton of social pressure, and the whole thing of going from "other people teasing you about liking each other" to "I actually like you a lot, let's date" with zero 1-1 connection feels super lame.

It sounds like this girl liked you. You could have just invited her to something outside of work and built things up.

3.

Paula: Hey PeacockMan I was wondering when myself and the other ladies joke that you and Kiesha are together, you know it's a joke right?

PeacockMan: Lol of course I know it's a joke

Ashley: We just thought to ask you because we don't want to make you or her uncomfortable. I remember the time people were going around with rumors of me dating another guy when were were just work friends and it became annoying after awhile.

Kiesha: (over hears the conversation and intervenes) Hey PeacockMan what did you tell them?

PeacockMan: I didn't tell them anything this just came from out of nowhere

Paula: Kiesha turn around because we not talking to you now. So PeacockMan you do know that Kiesha already has a boyfriend.

Kiesha: (intervenes again) No I'm dating (and smiles at me)

Paula: Ok girl we know lol. So PeacockMan are you single?

PeacockMan: I'm dating as well

Ashley: So you don't mind us running the jokes that you 2 are dating?

PeacockMan: I don't mind at all lol

Ashley: Ok if you are ok with it we will keep the jokes coming lol

(We ended the conversation there laughing. But in the back of my mind I suspect that Kiesha told them something... because all of a coincidence the moment I ask out Kiesha the 2 ladies who sit right next to her decide

Yes, obviously they talked about it. It sounds like you missed what was going on here. This is the same problem as before, your relation to Keisha (not the joke, in general) only exists within this social group setting. Someone might break this down more for you, but you're way too passive here. Every line here is bad. This is an illustration of your biggest problem with this group in general. You just let the other women completely lead everything.

In fact it seemed as if she felt some shame

Of course she did!

So based on the situation, I'm wondering if it's a lost cause?

For you, probably

Should I just revert to talking to her like nothing happened?

Probably. It's going to be hard to bring this up and deal with it without being too incongruent with what the hole you already dug for yourself. You'd probably want to frame her as taking the bf-gf jokes too seriously and overtly steal her frame with something like "Hey, I think you're a cool girl, but telling the other girls about that makes me feel a little uncomfortable and under pressure - I didn't realize you were taking the bf-gf thing so seriously" then interrupt her explaining with "Listen, I think it's better if we just stay friends". And keep the confusion without letting her defend/explain.

But don't do that. I don't think you'll be able to navigate it - it'll end up being weird and incongruent for you. And you don't want to create more drama and weirdness around that for the whole group. Your best bet is probably to pretend it didn't happen, but you can still take the "just be friends" part.

Anyway, your takeaways from this should be:

1. Don't confess your feelings or make some big move on a girl that you haven't actually made any 1-1 connection with. You want to actually get to know each other and build attraction/investment with her specifically first.

2. Don't make these "feeling confessions" in general. You should gradually and smoothly build things up with a girl, not just dump intent on them and put them on the spot like that.

I don't want to sound overly critical, just want to help point out where you messed up here. You wrote this up really well with the conversation snippets. Focusing more on dating outside of work where you have more room to make mistakes would be good for you

 

[PeacockMan]

So, biggest things that stand out:

1. Having this open joke with everyone about her being your work girlfriend isn't good and puts way too much pressure on her, especially after you did that feelings confession thing. This would be fine, and even good, if it were just between you two, but having other people lead the joke here is bad. I would have jokingly disqualified this, from the very first time.

Agreed. The mistake I made here was I did not know how to disqualify this statement without offending the other ladies. In fact at one point I thought they were trying to set us up to go out.

2. This whole sequence:


and the date ask after are pretty bad. What are you trying to accomplish with this? It sounds like you haven't made any real connection with this girl yet and you're making this lame, serious, high-pressure vibe with her. Now the bf/gf jokes are going to make her feel a ton of social pressure, and the whole thing of going from "other people teasing you about liking each other" to "I actually like you a lot, let's date" with zero 1-1 connection feels super lame.

It sounds like this girl liked you. You could have just invited her to something outside of work and built things up.

As for the connection building, I agree, I did not make a solid connection. In the past when I've dated or asked out women at work (large company 1,000 + people and mostly females) I would do it privately. Sometimes it worked, other times it did not but what I got more of the opportunity to do was build a connection.

When the ladies started the jokes, I was considering asking Kiesha casually to join me for lunch. It would have been low pressure where we would be walking less than 100 meters to the company food court to have lunch. But then I said to myself "no because the other ladies would see us having conversation and then increase their jokes even more and put more pressure on us".

Hence why I pulled Kiesha oneside and privately admitted I liked her and would like to get to know her more. The thing is the work days are sometimes hectic and I sometimes find it difficult to have full on conversation with persons. Usually it's a little joke here and there during breaks that myself and my coworkers exchange.

And the hours before work, the company bus picks us up so everyone can over hear the conversation if I dare attempt to build a connection. The same to be said after work when we are boarding the company bus to go back to the other city where we all live.

It sounds like this girl liked you. You could have just invited her to something outside of work and built things up.

May I know how do I invite her outside of work without first sharing the reason why? Eg. Looking for a friend, a date e.t.c. Last thing I want is for her to bring a female friend along or not be clear on my motive.

Yes, obviously they talked about it. It sounds like you missed what was going on here. This is the same problem as before, your relation to Keisha (not the joke, in general) only exists within this social group setting. Someone might break this down more for you, but you're way too passive here. Every line here is bad. This is an illustration of your biggest problem with this group in general. You just let the other women completely lead everything.

Of course she did!

I agree, in fact since Wednesday after I asked Kiesha out, I've yet to hear another joke be run by the ladies about myself and Kiesha dating. The worst thing is when the other ladies had the conversation with me asking if I was uncomfortable, Kiesha sat there acting as if she did not say anything. But the timing was off big time... I mean the ladies had hours/days before to ask me this question... but decide to ask me minutes after I asked Kiesha out on a date.

Probably. It's going to be hard to bring this up and deal with it without being too incongruent with what the hole you already dug for yourself. You'd probably want to frame her as taking the bf-gf jokes too seriously and overtly steal her frame with something like "Hey, I think you're a cool girl, but telling the other girls about that makes me feel a little uncomfortable and under pressure - I didn't realize you were taking the bf-gf thing so seriously" then interrupt her explaining with "Listen, I think it's better if we just stay friends". And keep the confusion without letting her defend/explain.

But don't do that. I don't think you'll be able to navigate it - it'll end up being weird and incongruent for you. And you don't want to create more drama and weirdness around that for the whole group. Your best bet is probably to pretend it didn't happen, but you can still take the "just be friends" part.

On Thursday October 12 in the evening, the company decided to do some reseating for different departments and it just so happens now I'm seated even more closely to Kiesha. My cool guy friend at work sits in the same row one cubicle to my right and Kiesha sits on the opposite side to him. So if I turn my chair 75 degrees I'm facing Kiesha now.

I also sit behind another cool guy coworker now who is just friends (legit) with Kiesha and he always likes chilling with me as well. I think that builds up my social proof.... because these guys are always attempting to make conversation with me throughout the work day and vice versa. I think my best bet here is to casually just be a cool guy, treat Kiesha like one of the guys and since the 4 of us are just a chair spin away from having conversation, I can show more of my fun and flirty side there.

I agree with your sentiments because now that the jokes have stopped, it is clear to me she told the ladies off the air and I don't know how much she told them. I'm thinking did she tell them to stop the jokes, that I admitted to liking her, or that I asked her out, or all of the above? I don't know so I don't even feel comfortable. But doing my best to hold frame and treat her as I do the other females: fun and flirty.

I'll take your feedback and based on how receptive she is to myself and my other 2 male coworkers running jokes, she might warm back up and I'll take the "just be friends" part and see if I can overtime ask her out again to do something friendly


P.s. I think the female coworkers saying she has a boyfriend is BS. But no way for me to confirm unless I ask her direct and even that will be incongruent at this time.

PeacockMan

 

[PeacockMan]

P.s. I think the female coworkers saying she has a boyfriend is BS. But no way for me to confirm unless I ask her direct and even that will be incongruent at this time.

PeacockMan

Update! Guess I was wrong here!

Saturday October 14, 2023

It was after 4PM and I had gotten all of my assigned work done for the day. So I left my cubicle and team to sit in the company vibe / living room area and soon thereafter Ashley passed to go to the bathroom. And the thoughts came back to mind and I decided that when Ashley passed back, I would ask her if Kiesha really has a boyfriend. When Paula returns from the bathroom and is about to pass...

PeacockMan: Hey Paula may I ask you a favor off the air real quick?

Ashley: Sure!

PeacockMan: So earlier in the week when you and Paula asked me if I was uncomfortable with the jokes, it dauned on me because I had a conversation with Kiesha about something. Did she say something to you and Paula?

Ashley: No it was just something we thought of to ask you

PeacockMan: I see! Does Kiesha really have a boyfriend?

Ashley: Yes she has the same boyfriend for 7 years now

PeacockMan: For real?

Ashley: Yeah she has the one man for 7 years... something she told us a long time ago

..... (the rest of the conversation is not relevant). So since I got this confirmation, my feelings got the better of me yesterday Wednesday October 18. I was standing at the locker area and her Kiesha's locker is situated close to mine and she showed up to go in her locker.

PeacockMan: Hey Kiesha lol it just dawned on me to ask you something... (I pause)

Kiesha: (Looking at me)

PeacockMan: Nevermind

Kiesha: No talk, I don't like when men are shy

PeacockMan: I overheard that you have a boyfriend and I just found it so funny. You know you could have told me from the get go when I asked you out you have a boyfriend (smiling)

Kiesha: (smiling) Well you know I also did not know your relationship status either. Plus we never had a conversation deep like that before where we discussed our relationship status. In this day and age it's very common for people to have their spouse and be having other men/women on the side

PeacockMan: Yeah that's true that does happen

Kiesha: So are you single?

PeacockMan: I'm dating

Kiesha: Oh nice (smiling)

PeacockMan: Yeah from the get go when I asked you if you were single and asked you out I was wondering how I never heard back from you... but it's cool. Everything is good between us (smiling confidently)

Kiesha: Yeah sounds good (smiling)

And we end the conversation there both smiling. Since yesterday I've reverted back to treating her just like a coworker. Thus far there are no weird vibes and how we interact since that conversation is as if nothing ever took place. Just 2 coworkers acting professional.

What I Learnt

It will be best for me to continue to demonstrate or move as if I have more options with women (even if I don't). I think it will do more harm if I were to act butthurt or ignore her going forward. She may potentially tell the other ladies I am a man who cannot handle rejection which would only cause negative social proof. So I continue to treat her like all the other ladies on the team. I laugh and flirt with Kiesha as I do the other ladies. And I think I'll be alright. I think by doing so, it will allow me to save face plus I believe most women are good people so I doubt she will have any reason to go tell the ladies what happened between us.

As for the verdict if she really did like me or was just being flirty or acting nice. I don't know and at this time I don't see the need to invest time finding out.

Signing out and closing this conversation!

PeacockMan