Weird FWB Breakup NEED DESPERTELY NEED HELP

[Bboy100]

Ok, so a while back, I met a girl on Tinder. We hooked up on the first night I stayed over. The next day, I left early in the morning. I only saw her once a week and repeated the process for another two weeks. Go out>Go to her place>Sex.

Anyways, the fourth time I saw her, she didn't want to have sex that night. She didn't say why till the next morning. She said she lost her meds, and she was feeling depressed/anxious. This is an understandable cause for low sex drive. I've been there, and its real. So I left.

I saw her one more time after some serious persistence (she didn't wanna see anyone cause she was super depressed etc.). Again, no sex.

After that, I went on vacation. During this time period, she also saw for the first time that I was still on Tinder. Prior to that, she hadn't logged on since I met her. We never discussed this, we never talked about not being on Tinder etc. She then proceeded to either unmatch me or delete her Tinder. I'm unsure of which.

After that, for the next few months, she would always be "too depressed" and "unable to get her meds" for one reason or another. So she wouldn't see me. Again, I believed her because I've been there, and all this stuff can be pretty real when you're depressed/anxious.

I continued to checkup on her on an almost weekly basis after that. We had boring and very surface level conversations (not much to talk about via text). Again, she never mentioned the Tinder thing at all.

A few weeks back, I texted her and she told me she was in the hospital and she's been there for a week. She STILL didn't let me visit her. And I know for sure she was, cause she had a lot of other posts via Facebook telling her to get well etc.

Now, I check her Facebook and I see she's in a relationship with some other guy all of us sudden. She had specifically told me that she wasn't just not seeing me she said "I'm not seeing anyone, I just feel too shitty to do anything at all". This was a few months ago though.

Anyways, needless to say, I've lost her for now. I'm not trying to get her back, cause this guy has the edge for now. Especially since I had never been in a relationship with her to begin with. We were only FWB.

So my question is, how do I communicate to her:" Hey, I know you have a BF now, and I'm cool with it. You guys have a good time."

I can't directly say that cause if I go out of my way to tell her that (no prior conversation), she would know I'm doing it just to sound cool.

P.S.
The reason why I even want to do all this is because I guarantee that once she and her are over, she'll come back to me if she genuinely believes we're cool.

Sorry if the grammer/spelling on this post is shitty. I didn't pay much attention to it. I feel really really really depressed about this right now. Like, she's the only girl I've ever been with, and the only part of my romantic life which I believed was a sure thing. And now I find out its gone.

 

[Bboy100]

Ok, take two:

I texted her basically telling her that I thought not cutting it off with me and instead leading me on and letting me text her every week was unappreciated (obviously, I formulated this in a calm/collected socially savvy way).

Her response was that her (new) boyfriend was there for her through all the shit she's been through like no other guy was. I replied telling her (again, in a socially savvy way), that I tried to be there for her, but she didn't let me.

Now here's where it gets interesting:
Her reply was:
"No I know you tried to be there for me, but the reason I let Bryan (her new BF) in and not you was because I guess I just didn't have feelings for you like immediately did with my boyfriend. I liked you, but its not the same thing. Does that make sense?"

I replied basically asking her to elaborate. She gave me no response.

At any rate, I'm wondering wtf happened here. Like, I can't figure it out. I had sex with her the first night (qualified myself as a lover), and things seemed like they were going towards a relationship. Then she presumably met this Bryan. And completely dropped me.

But since I already had sex with her, already qualified myself as a sexy man, shouldn't this not happen? Shouldn't she be chasing me for a relationship at this point to the exclusion of all other guys? Especially since it was pretty early on. That seems to be the way GC portrays it.

Do I also need to qualify myself as a relationship candidate after having sex with her? I'm just suuper confused!

 

[Smith]

Do I also need to qualify myself as a relationship candidate after having sex with her? I'm just suuper confused!

Absolutely if you want her to be your gf. Gradually show some bf qualities as well as having sex with her.

 

[Bboy100]

You have what we call "Oneitis," which is an unhealthy obsession with a girl who is not interested in you. Any time a woman gives you some excuse for why she can't hang out or have sex, and it's not out of some kind of physical incapacity, it means she is not interested in you. You, not realizing this simple truth, pursued an uninterested woman who continued to tell you, in the only way that women ever tell you, that she was not interested (by making excuses instead of simply saying what we as guys would want to hear, which is "I'm not interested, bye.")

This is true, I do have Oneitis. I normally don't chase uninterested women, but I do often keep ruminating about failed dates/relationships. Which in turn causes a lot of wasted emotional energy. In the long-term, meeting and sleeping with lots of women will solve this problem for me. But for now and the immediate future, I don't see any way of solving this issue.
Any tips?

In this case, I chased because I genuinely believed she wasn't seeing anyone at all in her life. And that she fully intended to see me again.
I had a lot of sympathy for her because I too was once depressed, and I also didn't want to see anyone during that time period ( not even friends/family). Having said that, you have far more experience than me, so I'll take your word for it (the fact that depression/anxiety is not a reason why a women wouldn't want to see me). Plus, she clearly was ok with seeing this other guy.
I guess I'll learn not to accept that excuse again.

Also, normally, yeah, making excuses would be a pretty obvious sign of her not being interest. But I called her out on that a while ago and gave her an easy out. Basically told her (in a non-chalent way) that I feel like she's being flaky, and that if this isn't working for her, I'm cool with that, we can go our separate ways. Her reply was "No, no, I haven't been seeing anyone, its not just you. I've just been feeling really shitty, I don't know what to do anymore".

Lastly, being in a hospital for a week after serious depression means that you have left out an important part of this story. The girl does not sound healthy at all, and more importantly, is completely uninterested in anything but your endless validation and energy. NEXT her from your life forever and go find better women who are more interested in you.

Her Cron's disease acted up. Basically, she couldn't get out of her bed for two weeks in a row. Its completely unrelated to her depression/anxiety. And yes, obviously I intend to NEXT her.

Its just that the way she acted doesn't fit with my mental model. Which is why I'm so panicked/confused atm. I feel like once I was sleeping with her, she should be chasing me for a relationship. Not randomly blowing me off for a new guy. I guess that's not how it works?

 

[Zoro]

Bboy,

You are putting WAY too much mental and other energy towards her and this situation. Avoid ruminating (you can do it) and Invest that precious energy into something productive. Men with passions and hobbies recover much quicker from a relationship ending.

Working out is a great stress reliever and motivation booster.

As Drexel said, this girl sounded unwell and you are better off now!

 

[mindful]

Hey man, just take this as a learning experience. It takes a few times of going through this to see when a girl just isn't interested. Only advice I can give is, if it feels like you are putting in too much effort in to see her, or her responses seem rather fishy, just move on. It's not good to call a girl out and ask her why she did what she did or in your case, why she chose the other guy over you. This is really unattractive and kills any attraction a girl would have for you.

Now a days if I even get the slightest feeling a girl is making up an excuse, I just say "Ok, sounds good (name)". Or something like that, and then immediately MOVE ON. Don't waste mental energy on it.

The one I've been getting the most is the girl saying she is really busy this week. Anything with the word "busy" is a red flag IMO. Cut her and move on. Maybe she will get back to you, but most of the time she won't.

Good luck!

 

[ray_zorse]

+1 DrexelScott and mindful.

Got a similar situation here, I'm still at a point where a lay means something and I'm keen to set up a rotation besides my GF so I was medium excited about raver chick (see recent LR which is in two parts cos I couldn't get it up 1st time). Anyway she's still communicating but making excuses along the lines she's back at work after long break of hardcore partying and needs to take it easy for a bit, I contacted her twice (after a week and again after another week) and had brief but warm text convo each time, but I can tell it's just excuses so I've NEXTed her now (that's to say I won't contact her and if she contacts me I may play a little hard to get)... think of it this way, if George Clooney or Brad Pitt proposed a date on the same basis you did, the excuses would magically evaporate

-Ray