What do you do if you aren’t a woman’s priority?

[TrailBlazer]

Man I will just say it with every good intention, because I’ve passed from similar stages myself.

After reading most of your latest threads the biggest issue is that you seem to fully internalise this identity of being needy.

At this point it feels that you are rejecting any possibility of true growth and you want to use all the different external tactics in order to escape facing what exists inside.

Making progress like this is extremely difficult and in the end not only you will still know what you deeply feel about yourself , but it will also become apparent to the people around you.

The goal is not to be the needy desperate guy that expertly hides it and tricks guys into respecting him and girls into sleeping with him.

It is to become cool and content with yourself to the point that those who don’t recognise your value are the ones losing.

Im not rejecting the idea of growth willingly. It’s just that my psyche won’t let me go past certain barriers and realisations. For instance, realising that I have value. That would absolutely invalidate all of my experiences of abuse, pain and torture from my childhood. It wouldn’t make sense and hurt much more, if I always was a valuable child. This is too much for me to bear right now. That’s why I hide behind the techniques.

And I try very hard to face myself in therapy and everywhere. But it’s not nice when you force it, I’ve had several identity collapses where I didn’t know who I was or even where I was at that moment. Very strange and destabilising.

 

[Ratata]

So basically I can’t count on becoming someone’s priority as the missing piece to my life. Because if I crave it, it won’t happen, and if I won’t need it, I won’t want it anymore.

First off, you're not alone. Second, you will always enjoy it. But once you're above it, you'll be the one filling their void. See the difference here? Again, the illustration of the beggar vs. the giver. If you're a beggar, you will always be poor. If you instead shift your focus and become a giver (which is not the same as being a dancing monkey btw), then women will respect you and become attracted to you.

Btw. did you read the post I made to you about fundamentals and how to game the entire room (Being The Mayor)? Have you tried it yet? It's the weekend now, so will you try it?

But that’s a sad realisation. It means I will always be emotionally (in the deepest emptiest layers of pain) lonely, because no one will fill that void.

No one fills the void of the beggar. Not to get religious on your hiney, but God helps those who help themselves. People give back to givers. You cannot give from a void. You can only suck. But from simply shifting your mindset, you'll be able to give from nothing. All it takes is that you stop begging.

I’m sorry but to keep functional, I have to hold on to that hope that if I become good enough, someone will come and make me their priority, like a parent would. The hope for this is why I live. I can’t imagine the emptiness of having just myself.

That's a logical fallacy. You're already good enough. But since you perceive a lack, which isn't even real, then you act out the part of the beggar. Stop it. You no longer need ragged clothes. You can wear more pride, and be a contributor to other people's lives. And suddenly, you're rich, and moreover, you're preforming a service to society - by giving. You can start by making a re-cap of the strategy I posted to you.

A very good comment though, thank you.

My pleasure! Now I'm just curious how your weekend's gonna go. Are you gonna write an FR?

 

[mirror]

And during the times I was my own priority and had women, it didn’t fill that void at all. It wasn’t like finding replacement parents and healing the trauma. Which is what my brain is after, unfortunately but also logically.

I recognize this at myself. To find the fulfillment you are seeking, you need to find stability at your own core too however

 

[mirror]

And I try very hard to face myself in therapy and everywhere. But it’s not nice when you force it, I’ve had several identity collapses where I didn’t know who I was or even where I was at that moment. Very strange and destabilising.

I feel for you. Hope it gets better.

 

[TrailBlazer]

People give back to givers. You cannot give from a void. You can only suck. But from simply shifting your mindset, you'll be able to give from nothing. All it takes is that you stop begging.

Hey, so I was re-reading some of your advice and I still don’t really understand this concept. I’ve been in the giver mode before, but only after doing many approaches in a row. If any of them go well, my void is filled and I can be a giver for a while.

But from my default state of complete emptiness, how can I make that switch to be a giver still? For example during the first half of the day, when I feel weak, useless, forgotten and need some attention? Very difficult to give anything because I feel like I don’t have anything to give.

 

[Ratata]

Hey, so I was re-reading some of your advice and I still don’t really understand this concept. I’ve been in the giver mode before, but only after doing many approaches in a row. If any of them go well, my void is filled and I can be a giver for a while.

But from my default state of complete emptiness, how can I make that switch to be a giver still? For example during the first half of the day, when I feel weak, useless, forgotten and need some attention? Very difficult to give anything because I feel like I don’t have anything to give.

You're making the void bigger by staring at it. It's not some deep existential hole. It's just a low state. Nothing more. Stop treating it like a black hole sucking you in.

You don't "wait" to feel like a giver. You flip that switch by acting first. Small moves are enough: crack a joke to the cashier, toss someone a compliment without wanting anything back, share a link or tip. Hell, even asking to borrow her charger can be giving, even though you're asking cuz you brightening up her life by making her feel valuable and useful! That's giving already. Two or three of those and you're out of beggar mode.

Think of it like an old diesel truck in winter. You don't stand around praying it'll be warm before you turn the ignition. You fire it up cold, and the warmth comes from running. Same with you: move your body, then self-amuse, i.e. see what's funny in thing, and then dare to express yourself. The "void" isn't real once you're in motion.

 

[TrailBlazer]

You're making the void bigger by staring at it. It's not some deep existential hole. It's just a low state. Nothing more. Stop treating it like a black hole sucking you in.

You don't "wait" to feel like a giver. You flip that switch by acting first. Small moves are enough: crack a joke to the cashier, toss someone a compliment without wanting anything back, share a link or tip. Hell, even asking to borrow her charger can be giving, even though you're asking cuz you brightening up her life by making her feel valuable and useful! That's giving already. Two or three of those and you're out of beggar mode.

Think of it like an old diesel truck in winter. You don't stand around praying it'll be warm before you turn the ignition. You fire it up cold, and the warmth comes from running. Same with you: move your body, then self-amuse, i.e. see what's funny in thing, and then dare to express yourself. The "void" isn't real once you're in motion.

That sounds great and it’s in line with what I experienced. I will take what I have left and go build some momentum.

I like that you mentioned low state, it makes me think about this from the old school pua perspective and makes it much more manageable. Thank you.