What is the purpose of building an emotional connection? Attraction or Bonding?

[Mr.Rob]

I always thought building an emotional connection was simply something that you use to bond with women, get them investing into you, and allow the existing attraction to build through the investment she is now putting in.

Basically it builds attraction indirectly by getting her to open up to you and invest.

Her subconsciously thinking "wow I'm telling him all these things I never tell most guys I meet ever within 5 dates... I must really like him! I'm want to impress him and show him how unique I am."

So if she's already attracted and feels like you know her really well and she invests heavily that will ramp up attraction for you because she's investing more.

However having an emotional connection with a guy doesn't mean she's going to feel attraction. There are plenty of guys that know a women well and feel very connected to that are deeply lodged in the friendzone.

So what gives does an emotional connection build attraction or not?

Last night I met a girl who I think was somewhat interested by me and I learned that we are both from the same small town in Florida. When I revealed I was from the same town (which the odds are pretty low considering) we instantly had a huge "Togetherness" factor that made her feel instantly connected and comfortable with me even though we don't know each other.

As a result attraction immediately increased and she started investing into me heavily without me prompting her.

After thinking about the interaction this morning I can't understand how this spiked attraction so much.

We went from having little in common and a little attraction to having one BIG thing in common and a LOT of attraction. This all resulting from me showing her my drivers license with my city on it.

Not really anything significant if you think about it, but it mattered a lot to her and spiked attraction even though I did not do anything attractive.

My question:

Does an emotional connection actually directly build attraction? If so why does this happen?

Thanks gents,

-Rob

 

[Drck]

Re: What is the purpose of building an emotional connection? Attraction or Bondi

Hey Rob, good topic. I think there is much more to it than just emotional connection.

We can connect to others on different levels, the more we connect the closer we are to them.

Intellectual level, mind, logic: Some things that we have common knowledge about, for example hobbies, science, book stories, work... If you are a biologist and talk hours about biology, you will probably connect on this level with another person who is also interested in biology much better than with a person who you have no topics in common. You can have the same knowledge about work, business, college and so forth, you can talk with ease for hours about the same topics... GC could belong to this level, we all read and learn about the same topics for hours, months, years...

Experience level: You have same or similar experiences, you meet a person from the same city and you can talk about it for hours. You meet person who e.g. went to the same college, or who experienced something similar like you in the past (car accident, divorce,...), you connect much better with a person who has similar experience...

Behavioral level: Are you more dominant or submissive? More active or passive? Leading or lagging? Say you are passive, so you might have lots of friends who are also passive. At the same time you might develop quite attraction towards person who is quite active and leading. Say you are too dominant, so you may actually develop adverse reactions towards dominant persons in your life - Although you are alike and have similar experiences and knowledge, you may not like each other at all...

Emotional level, your heart, your feelings: You feel for the person, you understand on emotional level, you like that person a lot. Perhaps you even love that person. There are different intensities in emotional connections, say from high momentary excitement to life long platonic love. But there could also be negative emotions, hate, strong dislike. Note that woman doesn't really have to like you much but she can still sleep with you...

Sexual level: Note that the above doesn't apply to mating only, you can connect to guys as well and create great friendship based on the connections above. Obviously in straight guys there is no sexual attractions, even though the other connection levels can be great. On the other hand, straight guy and straight girl will be naturally attracted to each other, and the other levels will only make it much easier to connect, similar experiences and knowledge will enable them to have sex...

Needs level: what does the person need? Say she's married and has a great provider, but she is bored. She is not satisfied with sex life, so she is looking for exciting guy who she can have a quick fling with. She could care less about his intellectual, behavioral, or emotional level (because she has it from her husband), she's just looking for a quick fulfillment. Or, she may be actively looking for a provider, she wants to settle down and have family. In that case, lover who is not willing to settle down may not have many chances, it simply depends on what she is looking for at that time, on what is her need... Girls have different needs at different times of their lives...

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So based on the above we can have quite interesting scenarios in real life, depending on which levels people connect and how. You can connect to a girl on multiple levels, yet she may not sleep with you anyway no matter what you do, she simply doesn't need you at this time or she doesn't find you sexually attractive enough. Or you don't have to connect on any level at all, and she will sleep with you without hesitations, all she needs is little bit boredom and some need for quick excitement... She'll walk away without even knowing your name...

As far as seduction is concern, you want to utilize as many connections as you can, that's how you increase your chances. Connect intellectually by finding common topics. Connect emotionally, show empathy, show that you like her. Connect behaviorally, show that you can be dominant and leading. Connect sexually, show that you are the attractive sexual guy who she can connect with on multiple levels...

 

[Mr.Rob]

Re: What is the purpose of building an emotional connection? Attraction or Bondi

Hey Drck, that's interesting how you broke down the different areas of being able to connect.

I never really thought much about breaking down the different areas of connection to basically be sure you cover as many aspects as possible to bring about a fuller and deeper connection.

I dig it man. I have a hard time connecting to college women just because they're young and lack experience for the most part but this gives me some different areas to remember to cover before throwing in the towel. Appreciate it dude!

However I'm still a bit confused as to if connecting builds attraction.

How big of a role does connecting have on amplifying attraction? Obviously if there is no mutual attraction then an emotional connection isn't going to amplify or create attraction.

BUT when there is mutual attraction between you and a girl then an emotional connection will, typically, increase attraction.

I don't understand why that would occur.

I always thought the attraction is built because it's dominant to be able to make someone invest deep things about themselves to someone they just met and it's attractive that you're leading strongly.

But not because she feels like you get her more.

In your opinion/experience which one do you think it is?

Is the attraction amplified because she feels like you get her? Or because of the attractive traits that are required to build an emotional connection?

Is it a direct effect? Or an indirect effect?

 

[Rage]

Re: What is the purpose of building an emotional connection? Attraction or Bondi

I have some theories on this one Rob; let me know what you think.

First off emotional connection matters if you’re in a relationship with a girl; the how and why discussed by Chase recently here https://www.girlschase.com/content/why-b ... lationship

There’s a reason I bring this up, however.

From the article above,

The problem a lot of guys have with bids is testosterone makes you want to ignore these more, I find.

That means when you’re doing winner-effect-generating things like:

Lifting a lot
Winning a lot
Making a lot of money
Sleeping with lots of girls
... you will tend not to want to bother with all this stupid little ‘connection’ stuff.

A bid is, after all, another person’s way of asking for attention and investment, however small. And when you’re in winner mode, you will tend to want and expect others to invest in you – not the reverse.

It’s annoying; it’s petty. It gets in the way. You’re busy kicking ass and she’s asking you to take time out to bond. Can’t we focus on major initiatives and get some wins?

What this means though is that, paradoxically, the more successful you are elsewhere, the more difficulty you have responding to bids.

Success or just general manliness makes you worse at all the connection stuff.

That sucks, right?

Myself and one or two of my other high testosterone friends I’ve observed this, natural levels higher than just about any other guy out there who’s not on steroids; what that makes you is a pitbull much of the time.

Very aggressive, very dominant, you smile less, get irritated and itching to kick someone’s ass more… and even with your friends guy friends or girl friends, typically much of the time, you want to talk less don’t want to conversate or emotionally connect or focus on people or feelings or any of that.

You want to do testerone driven things then: want to fuck the shit out of a girl and be rough and slap her and spit on her and choke her, you want to create a nd build things be that a business or writing a book or directing a movie, you wanna be physically active lift heavy weights and kill shit in your sport, and you want to win at things, conquer, kill, succeed, rage hard at whatever you do.

…

Back to Chase’s article; what it signifies is that guys when their testosterone levels are really high want to emotionally connect less… they don’t care about it much then.

After orgasm, and taking a bit of edge off, guys in those situations can connect more be more easy going laid back free and open to talk, and connect.

Those are feminine qualities, and attractive in that sense; the ideal seducer has a mix of feminine and masculine qualities.

The guys that are raging testosterone and don’t take any of that extreme extreme edge off when they go to talk to girls, won’t be doing much deep diving or emotional bonding or connecting. If they fuck girls it will be girls who want to get railed and do little talking emotional connecting. The extreme testosterone gives more pure lover qualities (of a guy that fucks them instantly/pretty quickly after meeting them, but who even if he was amazing the girl tends to not hit up again; fucks and doesn’t see him again).

Girls are the same when they are ovulating; typically they want to do it and want to do it hard then. They are bitchier colder more irritated and aloof… they really just want to fuck then. AND they don’t care particularly about emotionally connecting then. I’ve fucked up with a number of girls in sitautions like this, which I recognize better now, where I’m deep diving and connecting and finding out about her… and she’s telling me stuff but is aloof and distracred and a bit irritated.

Many of those girls just wanted to fuck me!! It wasn’t that they weren’t into me or we ddint have a lot to connect on; its that they just wanted to smash and I wasn’t giving it to them. When the testosterone is raging high for a guy, or girls hormones are raging high during ovulation (often those nights when girls out just looking to fuck some random guy), emotional connection is the furthest thing from eith er of their minds. The girls don’t care about that shit that much then, and talking just serves as a primer to introduce self and as quickly as possible reveal that you’re a guy that gets it, and are the frame of the lover and CAN give her what she wants rapidly and effectively to her soon. Hence the guys that take the girl home quickly after meeting her (and that one instant lay that I had).

…

Other than girls in that situation, connecting matters more for girls than guys because girls are the more emotional sex. If she is less experienced she espically wants to fucka guy who she likes the qualities of and connects on some level with.. whereas if more experienced she can fucka guy more cause he’s just hot and she’s horny.

But the bit more inexperienced girls are the ones you end up having to spend more time portraying those feminine qualities too, of emotional connection, inspiring, deep diving, and having moments like that. Be too masculine too aggressive and dominant with those girls and you scare them off; even if turned off they don’t have the experience to immediately fuck a guy that they find hot but know nothing and have connected with nothing on right then and there.

I don’t even think its individual girls, so much as it is where the particular girls are in their cycle, and what they are subcommunicating to you when you meet the,. Some girls need to connect more and open up more, are a bit hesitant, shy, hav e a certain look to their face that you see and know you have to connect with them more.

But other girls are just ready, don’t want to talk or connect much, and if you go to talk and connect more they’ll either leave or further subcommunicate to you the oblivious one (by arguing or trolling or trying to irritate you in some way) that hey! Mother fucker! Enough talk lets go do something. And then it’s just up to you to take her hand, lead her off, and go make that happen.

-Rage

EDIT:

As far as if connection builds attraction, I’ve run into too many girls who see me and are hard attracted to me right away by masculine, high dominant qualities + fundamentals. But if I talked to them a lot it would probably be less and decrease that sample size.

Why that rule of saying little to nothing about yourself, and just having the girl keep talking and finding out more about her, is important because of that.

And then after all that once again, yeah individual case by case and calibrating to each of them is what it takes… some girls are looking to connect more, others aren’t and won’t ask anything about you you won’t reveal anything to them, and you'll still get to keep moving increasingly forward with them despite it (because they aren’t looking for it and don’t need it, and you continue onto hold the frame of a sexual man, who damn well potentially gives her what she wants soon enough).

 

[Drck]

Re: What is the purpose of building an emotional connection? Attraction or Bondi

I'm not sure if I'm looking at the same thing from the same angle like you. And I got a headache, so forgive me if I'm babbling

Well, what is attraction? There might be different kinds of attractions, but say that you see 20 girls, and you are simply attracted differently to them. There might be say two girls that you perceive very attractive, five that are good looking, and ten that you don't care about at all... Three girls you couldn't do even with blue pill...

So first the attraction is visual. We see how she looks, we grade her body, movements. We see how she interacts with another people. Maybe we hear her voice, sometimes it happens that you talk to a girl that you've never seen on the phone and she seems very attractive, there are great vibes, she has very sweet voice, and you are imagining a hotty. You just like how she talks, her tone, pronunciation, what she's saying and so on. It all vibes with you. But then she sends you her picture, and you get all disappointed, throw her number to a garbage bin and try to forget her with a help of liquor, LOL.

Let's call this initial attraction. This attraction is there, we are attracted to different girls with different intensity.

Girls get attracted to guys similarly. They see a guy, observe how he moves, how much space he takes, how dominant he appears, how dominant is his voice, how dominantly he looks in her eyes and so forth. Say a guy has good fundamentals and he is good looking, so he appears very attractive to girls.

So she is attracted to this guy, but now what? Now she is imagining that she could sleep with this attractive guy, her heart is pounding, and she feels the tingles. She needs at least some connection with him though, she just won't jump in the bed right away. So there needs to be some connection that enables both of them to have sex. She needs to connect at some level as described above - listen to some stories, feel some empathy, relate to some past experiences, be swept off her feet by his dominance...

So the connection is simply something like a bridge that enables both of them to advance the mutual attraction, it enables them to simply get closer together.

Say Girl A feels very attracted to a guy, but there is no quality connection. They go for a date, but they have nothing in common. She can't relate to him in any way, there is no common ground. He likes biology, and all she understands is math. He describes his great achievements, but she has no idea what is he talking about... He empathizes with homeless man, yet all she can think about why does this guy have such a low self esteem. She could care less about homeless people. So the attractions expires very fast, there is no connection therefore there won't be more dates...

Girls B feels very attracted to the same guy. This time she can relate to something - stories, school, city they grew up in... Maybe he bought a lunch to the same guy who she handed 5 dollars a week ago... Good connection is established, they have something in common, something to share. Now the possibility of having sex is much higher, perhaps she gets more excited as she knows that this could really happen. Maybe today, maybe in three dates, but the bridge she can walk on to get closer to him is there...

Will she cross the bridge? Well, if it is stable enough and strong enough, yes. Maybe if he leads her with firm hand, yes...

Girls C doesn't see much in the same guy. She is not attracted that much to him, he is just a casual guy to her. But now he is able to connect to her on different levels. They have the same hobbies, they like the same science. They have similar experiences. She can relate to his emotions, to how he feels about different people... He actually proved himself to be quite dominant and leading, which is a pleasant surprise to her, she didn't see that before... And, he is actually quite sexy, he knows what is he doing, he is not shy at all... So the bridge to come closer to him is quite strong, it might not be exactly love at first sight but she might develop quite strong attraction for him, respectively to his qualities as a person...

So it is both (if that was your question). If there is high attraction first, there needs to be connection in order for the mating to happen. And, if there is strong connection first AND enough of sexual tension, attraction can actually increase over time... If there is not enough of sexual tension, well, it will just be a good friendship...

You might know some girls that you invested a lot into emotionally. You were after them, you were chasing... And they ran away. However, then you stopped chasing. You disappeared, you started to focus on another girls... Suddenly you realize that this girl that "rejected you" is now after you, she is chasing you... She calls you out of blue months after you haven't seen her and she wants to meet you. Her attraction for you increased over time because you developed a strong emotional connection with her... All you need is some stable bridge that she can walk on, so she can get closer to you...

 

[Mr.Rob]

Re: What is the purpose of building an emotional connection? Attraction or Bondi

Drck, interesting how you call an emotional connection a bridge to get from "other" to "together". This in turn allows her to essentially open up and receive you.

Based on what you're saying (from my interpretation at least) is that an emotional connection indirectly amplifies attraction by allowing her to open herself in way so that attraction can build.

She's not getting aroused and horny because you both have gave money to the same homeless person that you both felt pity for. She's getting aroused because she's closer and comfortable with you and that means she open to allow attraction to amplify when you show attractive traits.

That makes sense to me and that's sort of what I thought from the beginning.

I think in my example of the girl being from the same town as me. She was already attracted and now that we have more in common and she is now open to allowing that attraction to build because we are "together" as opposed to "other".

@Rage

I think it all depends on your personality and your style of game. For me I do a lot of talking and I typically err on the high energy side of things. Where you seem to be a bit more laid back, chill, and just get her investing because of your physical dominance.

So I have more of a conversationally dominant and not so much physically dominant whereas you tend to make girls horny just by your presence.

I've tried that style of game before and it works for me sometimes but I definitely shine when I'm spitting game and hitting her with different perspectives, funny shit, and sexual intent.

Also agree with girls that don't want to have much of an emotional connection first and are ready to cut the shit and fuck.

Girl I laid recently was that way and it's pretty cool to be able to pick up on that quickly and move her the fuck out of there. Whereas most guys would wonder why she's not investing into the conversation and just try harder to build a connection when all that needs to happen is pull her home and makes things happen.

It's funny how these days I'm so aware of that and know exactly that type of behavior whereas before I would need to be 100% sure she wanted to go home with me before making the decision to pull.

Good observations.

-Rob

 

[Drck]

Re: What is the purpose of building an emotional connection? Attraction or Bondi

Yes. In addition, there needs to be some polarization, some differences. If both partners know, do and like the same things, it is boring. There need to be differences as well.

Say there are 100 topics that you discuss (just a random number) with girls that are attracted.

With Girl X you don't agree on anything, she doesn't even understand what are you talking about, what are your points. You are too strange to her, no bridge, there is no connection. Dumping ground will occur fast...

Girl Y agrees with you 95%. Is she continue to be attracted? No. You are too familiar to her, thus there are no sparks. Boring guy, Orbital of Nice Friends it is...

Girl Z agrees with you 30%. She rather disagrees with you 30% because she is a democrat dumbo, happy Obama voter, while you are a responsible republican who didn't miss math classes in 5th grade. Another 30% she has no idea what you are even talking about, but because she already has some good established connection with you, she is excited to find out. Now she's got to dig into you, find out more about you. That's very exciting to her because she'll be investing a lot in you in the next couple of months - to find out what you are all about, because at this time you are still too mysterious....

Another 10% frustrates this Girl Z. She totally disagrees with you, you are pissing her off with some things. She doesn't want to say anything yet because she likes you a lot, but she's already has a future plan in her mind how to break you down. She will teach you how to submit to her, how challenging. She loves the challenge, she is all excited about it. Poor girl, doesn't understand yet that with every attempt to break you down she will only become more and frustrated. And that's good, because that's what's keeping her attracted, she will be constantly trying to change you - just to eventually find out that she has to submit, as there is no way that you will change a single thing because of her...

To summarize:

Girl X: Too many differences - she can't relate, you are a stranger
Girl Y: Too many similarities - she gets bored very fast, you are too boring, too nice, too mellow...
Girl Z: Excited, polarized, frustrated enough. Good Sparks, good match... You are exciting, spicy guy that she can never control...

Before I had a hard time understanding why is it when you frustrate woman she actually gets quite aroused, horny. It's because she realizes that she can't change you, that you will not cave into her insane thoughts and feelings... Her frustration is simply just an expression that she is submitting, she is perceiving you as more dominant in the relationship. All you have to say is NO once in a while, and let her get pissed off. Don't worry, she will always come back...

Hey, ever thought why some women try to pick up a fight in relationship? It's because they perceive their partner as too weak, too compliant, too unattractive, spineless... They want him to start acting like a man, get some emotions going, pour some excitement into the boredom, get some sexual attraction rolling...