- Joined
- Nov 13, 2019
- Messages
- 1,576
INTRODUCTION:
Although the subject is extensive and deserves a lot of books, I'll try to be brief.
First and foremost, I'll make it clear this is NOT a theoretical post!
Gotta put it out there because over the years I've seen a bunch of KJ about this subject.
A lot of guys keep projecting their fantasies about what non-monogamy looks like, which in reality is a bunch of BS that does not work in real situtations with real women.
I've been non-monogamous for over 13 years now.
I've dealt with all kinds of doubts and objections, and at least 70% of the women that were with me knew in some capacity I was seeing other women.
Bottom line: I know this stuff inside out.
So if I say anything that ruffles your feathers or goes against your beliefs, just sit tight and listen before casting a judgement.
BASIC DISTINCTION:
Seduction skills and Relatonship skills are VERY different traits.
You can the best player ever and still suck when you have to lock-in a woman that you like.
So unless you've been with women (plural) long-term (more than a year) in a non-monogamous setting, I'm sorry, but your opinion on this matter is probably flawed.
SETTING UP A NON-MONOGAMOUS RELATIONSHIP:
Basically you follow the seducers M.O.: try to have sex with EVERY woman that caughts your attention.
Screening is important to keep the psychos out, but any other cute/hot woman should be fair game.
Usually it's better to have at least 3-4 women on rotation at the same time.
Those women all start as FBs and are kept on probation untill you see if they are really compatible with you (outside the bedroom).
From that pool, you try your best to keep the finest ones, and replace the ones that you are not that the interest in, or that get a BF and leave you, or move away, etc.
After a while, if you want a more stable relationship, you can promote one or two of them to MLTR.
Once there, they enter a new probation period where you do a deeper check on their character, personal and family values, her relationship skills, etc.
It's in this phase that you can start to show her some BF behaviors:
- take her out on event dates;
- let her sleep over and stay for some days at your place (or her place);
- introduce her to your friends;
etc.
What you should not do is meet her family, or introduce her to your family.
I'l get to that in a minute.
THE TALK:
Now she is probably boiling over inside thinking: "What the hell are we?"
NEVER start that talk.
If you do it, it's damaging your frame, and you don't need that.
You keep doing what you are doing: treating her well, spending quality time with her, showing that you care, while still seeing other women.
Just let HER come to you with the question.
Once she does, it's time for The Talk.
You gonna find a quiet time in your agendas, sit her down on a comfy environment where it's just the 2 of you (preferably not at your place) and verbalize what your behavior was already showing her.
But before you do it, you'll hold her hand and let her know how you feel about her.
If you love her, you can tell.
If you don't know yet, just show that you like her very much and care about her feelings and well-being.
The job now is to be by her side before you let the truth come out of your mouth:
"I like (love) you very much, and want to keep you by my side because I see an amazing future with you!
But I'm not monogamous, and probably will never be.
This is who I am and I just hope you can understand it".
Don't say anything else.
Let her cry and vent her emotions any way she wants.
Let her be silent.
Hold her close and stay there with her.
There's probably a million things going through her head now, and it's NOT your job to address those concerns all at once in that particular moment.
Now what comes next depends heavily on the woman's character and personality.
Some will try to lay down some rules on the spot, some will have to ruminate it for a long time, some will be curious and ask a lot of questions, some will be happy on the possibility of having different cocks while still keeping you by their side.
You just have to maintain a strong frame, answer 2-3 important questions, but quickly change the subject after she calms down.
Now you resume your date with her.
You can have sex if she feels like it, you can sleep together and cuddle, while taking and conforting her, or you can leave and let her be if she asks you to.
Again, just take it like it is and keep your frame.
DAYS AFTER THE TALK
A couple of days, maybe a week have passed.
Now she had some time to digest the news.
She probably talked to 1-2 close friends (or family members), mostly people with a liberal mind, to ask for opinions on what to do about you.
In my experience, outspoken/outgoing girls will come back fast with a set of rules to negotiate with you.
You try your best to keep those to a minimum, like:
- always use comdoms with others;
- don't seduce close friends or family members;
- save the important calendar days to be with her;
And so on.
Shy/submissive girls will take more time though.
They'll probably stay seeing you like nothing happened for one or even two months, untill they bring the subject again on a more serious tone.
Again, you negotiate the rules with them and keep showing that you care about their well-being.
CRUISING
Now you are basically on cruise mode.
She knows who you are, she trusts you and is willing to be by your side despite knowing you are having sex with other women.
From time to time though, she will test your frame to know if you are still HER MAN, but thats basically it.
Now you have time to get to know her better and figure out what you want to do for the future.
WHAT A LONG-TERM SERIOUS NON-MONOGAMOUS RELATIONSHIP LOOKS LIKE
Basically is like any other relationship, at least to the outside world.
You take her to meet your family, you meet her family, but you NEVER let anyone know what you guys are doing.
Socially you are like any other couple.
The only difference is in intimacy, where there's sexual freedom for both of you.
THE RULES
If she starts to slip and meet other dudes outside of the allowed context, you enforce the rules.
She is also allowed do the same if it's you who mess-up.
But that's basically it: secret society all the way, and that feeling of "us against the world" that strong couples always display.
ADRESSING HER MAIN CONCERN
Now her main concern is always gonna be: "you could fall in love with another woman and leave me".
This is lurking in her head when she starts to like you, when you first tell her about non-monogamy, and still gonna be her main concern after you guys are really together.
Pay close attention that her issue is not you FUCKING other women, but liking them more than her and leaving because of it.
So your job is to show her that she is your de-facto main girl, and that the others are just a fun and casual friendship.
ONE-SIDED MONOGAMY
I'm gonna tell you guys why I don't try it and think it's just a waste of time and energy.
Even when you tell them it's ok for them to have other cock, if she really loves you, she probably won't want to (with rare exceptions)
A lot of girls, when they find the "man of their dreams", are incapable of being intimate with another man for a very long time.
That feeling is doubled if they know that seeing another dude won't have any impact on you whatsoever.
Remember, outcome independence is REALLY attractive.
It's like, if it's not a forbidden fruit anymore, why bother?
Another great advantage is that it shows her that you are not only caring about her side, but also being fair.
It creates so much positive compliance that it makes her want to please you even more (this is tried and tested my friends, it works).
Anyway, I'm not against those who try one-side monogamy.
If you think it's you cup of tea, by all means, go for it.
I just think that are better and easier ways if you are confident enough.
CLOSING THOUGHTS
That's basically it.
Non-monogamy becomes really simple once you respect the steps, know the techniques, and don't drop your frame.
Of course the trials and tribulations of a long-term pair-bonding will always be there, but IMO being non-mono is way more fun and easy to carry than just following the boring norm of sex is only alowed with one girl that you like.
P.S. My last main was with me for four years, and we had amazing FFM threesomes while still loving each other.
P.S.2 My current main has been with me for a year now and is still learning how to be with a man she loves while being non-monogamous.
She is caring, loving, submissive (but in the best way) and a joy to be around.
I'm encouraging her to see a Domina to show her how to be dominant in bed (I'll probably hire one to teach her....have a strong feeling she would love to dominate me and another woman in bed once she gets the hang of it).
Although the subject is extensive and deserves a lot of books, I'll try to be brief.
First and foremost, I'll make it clear this is NOT a theoretical post!
Gotta put it out there because over the years I've seen a bunch of KJ about this subject.
A lot of guys keep projecting their fantasies about what non-monogamy looks like, which in reality is a bunch of BS that does not work in real situtations with real women.
I've been non-monogamous for over 13 years now.
I've dealt with all kinds of doubts and objections, and at least 70% of the women that were with me knew in some capacity I was seeing other women.
Bottom line: I know this stuff inside out.
So if I say anything that ruffles your feathers or goes against your beliefs, just sit tight and listen before casting a judgement.
BASIC DISTINCTION:
Seduction skills and Relatonship skills are VERY different traits.
You can the best player ever and still suck when you have to lock-in a woman that you like.
So unless you've been with women (plural) long-term (more than a year) in a non-monogamous setting, I'm sorry, but your opinion on this matter is probably flawed.
SETTING UP A NON-MONOGAMOUS RELATIONSHIP:
Basically you follow the seducers M.O.: try to have sex with EVERY woman that caughts your attention.
Screening is important to keep the psychos out, but any other cute/hot woman should be fair game.
Usually it's better to have at least 3-4 women on rotation at the same time.
Those women all start as FBs and are kept on probation untill you see if they are really compatible with you (outside the bedroom).
From that pool, you try your best to keep the finest ones, and replace the ones that you are not that the interest in, or that get a BF and leave you, or move away, etc.
After a while, if you want a more stable relationship, you can promote one or two of them to MLTR.
Once there, they enter a new probation period where you do a deeper check on their character, personal and family values, her relationship skills, etc.
It's in this phase that you can start to show her some BF behaviors:
- take her out on event dates;
- let her sleep over and stay for some days at your place (or her place);
- introduce her to your friends;
etc.
What you should not do is meet her family, or introduce her to your family.
I'l get to that in a minute.
THE TALK:
Now she is probably boiling over inside thinking: "What the hell are we?"
NEVER start that talk.
If you do it, it's damaging your frame, and you don't need that.
You keep doing what you are doing: treating her well, spending quality time with her, showing that you care, while still seeing other women.
Just let HER come to you with the question.
Once she does, it's time for The Talk.
You gonna find a quiet time in your agendas, sit her down on a comfy environment where it's just the 2 of you (preferably not at your place) and verbalize what your behavior was already showing her.
But before you do it, you'll hold her hand and let her know how you feel about her.
If you love her, you can tell.
If you don't know yet, just show that you like her very much and care about her feelings and well-being.
The job now is to be by her side before you let the truth come out of your mouth:
"I like (love) you very much, and want to keep you by my side because I see an amazing future with you!
But I'm not monogamous, and probably will never be.
This is who I am and I just hope you can understand it".
Don't say anything else.
Let her cry and vent her emotions any way she wants.
Let her be silent.
Hold her close and stay there with her.
There's probably a million things going through her head now, and it's NOT your job to address those concerns all at once in that particular moment.
Now what comes next depends heavily on the woman's character and personality.
Some will try to lay down some rules on the spot, some will have to ruminate it for a long time, some will be curious and ask a lot of questions, some will be happy on the possibility of having different cocks while still keeping you by their side.
You just have to maintain a strong frame, answer 2-3 important questions, but quickly change the subject after she calms down.
Now you resume your date with her.
You can have sex if she feels like it, you can sleep together and cuddle, while taking and conforting her, or you can leave and let her be if she asks you to.
Again, just take it like it is and keep your frame.
DAYS AFTER THE TALK
A couple of days, maybe a week have passed.
Now she had some time to digest the news.
She probably talked to 1-2 close friends (or family members), mostly people with a liberal mind, to ask for opinions on what to do about you.
In my experience, outspoken/outgoing girls will come back fast with a set of rules to negotiate with you.
You try your best to keep those to a minimum, like:
- always use comdoms with others;
- don't seduce close friends or family members;
- save the important calendar days to be with her;
And so on.
Shy/submissive girls will take more time though.
They'll probably stay seeing you like nothing happened for one or even two months, untill they bring the subject again on a more serious tone.
Again, you negotiate the rules with them and keep showing that you care about their well-being.
CRUISING
Now you are basically on cruise mode.
She knows who you are, she trusts you and is willing to be by your side despite knowing you are having sex with other women.
From time to time though, she will test your frame to know if you are still HER MAN, but thats basically it.
Now you have time to get to know her better and figure out what you want to do for the future.
WHAT A LONG-TERM SERIOUS NON-MONOGAMOUS RELATIONSHIP LOOKS LIKE
Basically is like any other relationship, at least to the outside world.
You take her to meet your family, you meet her family, but you NEVER let anyone know what you guys are doing.
Socially you are like any other couple.
The only difference is in intimacy, where there's sexual freedom for both of you.
THE RULES
If she starts to slip and meet other dudes outside of the allowed context, you enforce the rules.
She is also allowed do the same if it's you who mess-up.
But that's basically it: secret society all the way, and that feeling of "us against the world" that strong couples always display.
ADRESSING HER MAIN CONCERN
Now her main concern is always gonna be: "you could fall in love with another woman and leave me".
This is lurking in her head when she starts to like you, when you first tell her about non-monogamy, and still gonna be her main concern after you guys are really together.
Pay close attention that her issue is not you FUCKING other women, but liking them more than her and leaving because of it.
So your job is to show her that she is your de-facto main girl, and that the others are just a fun and casual friendship.
ONE-SIDED MONOGAMY
I'm gonna tell you guys why I don't try it and think it's just a waste of time and energy.
Even when you tell them it's ok for them to have other cock, if she really loves you, she probably won't want to (with rare exceptions)
A lot of girls, when they find the "man of their dreams", are incapable of being intimate with another man for a very long time.
That feeling is doubled if they know that seeing another dude won't have any impact on you whatsoever.
Remember, outcome independence is REALLY attractive.
It's like, if it's not a forbidden fruit anymore, why bother?
Another great advantage is that it shows her that you are not only caring about her side, but also being fair.
It creates so much positive compliance that it makes her want to please you even more (this is tried and tested my friends, it works).
Anyway, I'm not against those who try one-side monogamy.
If you think it's you cup of tea, by all means, go for it.
I just think that are better and easier ways if you are confident enough.
CLOSING THOUGHTS
That's basically it.
Non-monogamy becomes really simple once you respect the steps, know the techniques, and don't drop your frame.
Of course the trials and tribulations of a long-term pair-bonding will always be there, but IMO being non-mono is way more fun and easy to carry than just following the boring norm of sex is only alowed with one girl that you like.
P.S. My last main was with me for four years, and we had amazing FFM threesomes while still loving each other.
P.S.2 My current main has been with me for a year now and is still learning how to be with a man she loves while being non-monogamous.
She is caring, loving, submissive (but in the best way) and a joy to be around.
I'm encouraging her to see a Domina to show her how to be dominant in bed (I'll probably hire one to teach her....have a strong feeling she would love to dominate me and another woman in bed once she gets the hang of it).
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