What negative mindsets do begginers have that are detrimental to Seduction?

Edd--19

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
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Nov 11, 2013
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169
I was reading the seddit sub reddit and came across this interesting post here --> http://www.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/3au7z9/how_and_where_to_meet_quality_womengirls/. It got me thinking about the mindset this guy has that was holding him back and led to a small consideration. What mindsets/believes hold us back. I was wondering what the most common and detrimental ones are. And how. Some are things like being judgemental, angry, not worth the time... I found it interesting as it may lead to a more rounded and faster development speed if we identify all the mindsets holding us back. A little something for you to think about...
 

Drck

Cro-Magnon Man
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Yes, it is quite complex, it all depends at which level the particular guy is.

In general, usualy nobody stops us, it is only our own mind, our (limited) believes that don't allow us to move forward.

Guy A sees a pretty girl, and his mind goes something like: She is so beautiful and hot, it would be great if she were my GF and we had sex. Maybe we can live together, maybe it could be love for the whole life, maybe I could marry her. But I have to approach first, I have to talk to her. I will probably mess up, I won't have much to say. I have to find out what kind of guy she is looking for and then be that guy. What if I'll make a fool out of myself, what if she realizes that I am not the guy she is looking for. I should definitely be much better person to match her beauty. Chances are high that she will reject me. She wouldn't go out with me, I'll get my hopes up and then I'll be rejected. I don't even have balls to ask her out because I know that she will definitely reject me, there is no way she will go out with me, she won't even talk to me. If she does, I don't know how to be sexy, I don't know how to touch and kiss, and I will most likely mess up during sex...

... and he goes on and on, 10,000 thoughts like this run through his mind each second... He then shuts down, he gets all anxious, all afraid, and he just won't approach... he walks away, he never talks to that girl. He goes home and analyzes, and analyzes, and creates weird theories, reads many books, tries to understand all different girls, differences between blonds and brunettes, and the more he reads the more complicated it is, and the more he doesn't understand... But it's all in his head, there is really nothing to understand...

Guy B sees the same girl, his mind says: Wow, she's hot, lets go talk to her, maybe there can be much more than talk... If it becomes awkward I can simply walk away. And he goes and talks to her. His mindset is totally different, he has no limited believes, his self esteem is much higher, he doesn't put himself down... he trusts himself, he believes that he is a great guy, he doesn't need any weird theories, he simply goes and talks to another human being... It's also in his head, he didn't need to build any obstacles, he didn't need any theories to talk to that girl...

And the pretty girl? She sees both guys, both seem equally attractive and sexy. She knows that both have dicks. But Guy A walks away. What's with him? she's asking. He is just not interested in me, that's ok. Maybe he's got GF, maybe he's shy, maybe he's all in his mind, who knows. But the Guy B is approaching, he's got balls to approach, he is not afraid to talk to girls. Let's see if there can be some fun with this guy...

So some of the negative believes:
* I can't do it
* I can't talk to her, I don't know what to say
* I will mess up
* I am not smart enough, I am not sexy enough, I am not attractive enough....
* I am not what she's looking for, I have to be ( should be ) the guy she is looking for
* I have to seduce her, I have to be great seducer with sexy walks/talks, the sex have to be great
* It takes lots of balls to approach girls. The approach has to be great and clever
* She will not go out with me, she is too hot and she is looking for better guy than me. She must be looking for A, B and C in a guy, and I am not like that
* She will reject me, I can't take any rejections, I was already rejected several times. If this girl reject me I will be devastated
* What do I have to do to be her BF? What does she want? What is she looking for in a guy? I will do everything to become her BF!

Some positive believes:
* She is cute/silly/sexy girl, let's go talk to her
* Talking to girls is easy, it's just fun
* There is always something to say, even silly things are good enough
* There is nothing to mess up, it's just fun. Maybe I don't know everything and I am not the best in sex but let's find out/learn together
* I am a great guy, I am smart enough. I am attractive/sexy enough
* There is no approach, there is nothing great or smart about approaching. I just go and talk to that girl, right there. L0et's see what she's about, let's find out what kind of person she is
* I don't need to seduce anyone. Seduction is very easy, the better we click the easier it is
* If there are great vibes we will definitely go out; she will want to go out with me because I am interesting/attractive guy
* There is no rejection. I'll never find out if I don't try. I'm already doing my best and if things get awkward I can always walk away with a smile. Life goes on, there is plenty of girls. Next!
* She needs to do A, B and C first before she becomes my GF, I won't make it so easy for her. I am looking for D, E, F in a girl, let's find out if she meets it. I am who I am, I know that the relationship has to be managed but I am not really going to change myself because of a girl
 

Bboy100

Cro-Magnon Man
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There's an important distinction to make between a "beginner" and an "educated beginner". A "beginner" might be someone who doesn't even understand nor have the concepts of seduction down on a logical level. When this happens, he will often have a LOT more negative mindsets than an "educated beginner" which would be someone who understands things conceptually and logically, he's just yet to apply them.

For example, back in High School, I didn't even know the concept of abundance mentality. Like, even on a conceptual level, I hadn't realized that there are effectively an UNLIMITED number of women for me to approach in the world. As a result, I was paralyzed just being in the presence of an attractive women let alone actually talking to one. After watching my first ever pickup video (David DeAngelo's Advanced Series), I felt like I had just awoken from some sort of dream. Like, my entire mode of thinking about the world and dating changed. Why? Because I achieved a certain degree of education, and this education in of itself erased a lot of bad mindsets. So having said that, I'll answer your question from the standpoint of an educated beginner, not a complete beginner. Because just by being here, I'm assuming you've read most the fundamental articles on the main site.

Here are some of the bad mindsets I had as an "educated beginner". Keep in mind, I still technically am one (based on this site's criteria, intermediate is someone who's slept with 10+ women. I have not), but still, my mindsets have changed drastically since I started.

1. Because I'm a beginner, and I have no experience with girls, its impossible for me to attract one and get her into bed with me.

This is false. Lots of average people have sex and find relationships, even if they have no idea what the pickup community is.

2. I "can't" approach.

-For the most part, approaching is a decision. If you make the decision and focus all your willpower on approaching a girl, you will do it. You might go in with a shaky voice, submissive posture etc., but you WILL do it. For a long time, I thought anxiety was holding me back. Realistically, I had simply never made the decision to approach.

3. I shouldn't approach because I'm bothering her- I'm a burden.

I went into depth about this on a different post. But basically, you should because you have to to get good. And once you get good, you'll no longer be a burden to women. You'll be a provider of good memories and emotions to them. So in the end, the net "contribution" you've made to women will be more positive than had you not approached.

4. X or Y advice won't work! It sounds too ridiculous! -

This is not an assumption you're allowed to make. You must first build up experience before you can qualify or disqualify any given advice. Dating is often very counter intuitive. So mulling over things "logically" and determining the overall worth of said advice is pointless. Being an empiricist is necessary in this field.

5. Asking her to come home with me on a first date is creepy. She wouldn't like that unless she came on the date specifically looking or a hookup.

She may have started out "Not looking for a hookup" but once she found out you're not LTR (because you've disqualified yourself as a BF) and your sexy as fuck, and the sexual tension is high, she would be super disappointed and frustrated if you didn't ask her to go home with you.

6. Related to #4, I shouldn't say/behave in X or Y way because I would look like an asshole which is a turnoff.

Same concept applies here. You don't know when you're being an asshole until you've pushed the boundaries. What you think is being an asshole is what most people would label as being assertive and self-assured.

7. I should take what women say/seem to want into consideration.

This is not something you should be doing as a beginner. Perhaps as more advanced guy, once attainability becomes more of an issue, it'll be necessary. But for now, do what you want to do. If a women doesn't like it, she knows where the door is. Your doing the approaching, setting up dates, making moves, and overall making everything happen. All she ever did was show up. So give yourself permission to put your priorities ahead of hers. You've earned it!

For example, if she asks you to do something you don't want to do, or suggests an activity that you think would be counterproductive, you've earned the right to say no. Her desires for how this night goes don't matter as much as yours because you've put more work into this than she has.


I'm sure there are more mindsets which I myself have yet to reframe. I'd love to hear from some of the more advanced guys what mindset changes they've undergone. Starting where I'm at now to where they are. But at any rate, I feel like those are the big ones that have changed since when I first read the material.
 

Black

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
May 15, 2014
Messages
102
I was thinking about this yesterday.

What's funny is that my own negative self talk seems rooted at a subconscious level - and it's very strong.

I can understand everything this site has to say - it's logical after all.
I can make a checklist of fundamentals or value points, tick boxes and compare myself to this or that guy and conclude I'd be a better deal for this or that girl (short term or otherwise).
I'm sure that if I racked up cold approaching numbers like everyone else here, I'd be getting results and all the social circle drama I end up wading into (and posting about) wouldn't matter. Also, I'd have access to the more attractive girls who do not approach me themselves.

But when I have to take action there's this feeling:
- I have absolutely NOTHING to offer her.
- I have NOTHING to say to her.
- She'll be creeped out just for me going out of my way to say anything to her. It's crazy I'm showing my face anywhere at all to begin with.
- She may have accepted to hang out with me - but sex is completely out of her mind (because of this I stalled things with girls that were saying we should "hang out" sometime; they ended up dating another guy a week later).
- She will make a scene if I go in for the kiss, ask her out or try to lead her to a hotel; then she will tell everyone we know if it's social circle (even if it does happen to a small extent, almost no one seems to care).

. . .but when I see another guy approaching to pick up a girl in my social circle my feeling is:
- Oh, that's it, no resistance at all, he's going to be fucking her in the public bathroom down the corridor within 5 minutes.
- Look, she's so thrilled to have been approached by him, he barely said anything and she's all putty already. So easy. . .
- Another failure. Would I've had a chance had I approached earlier? Probably not. I'm NOTHING after all. . .

Mammal brain vs human brain. . .
 

Man-O

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
Joined
Dec 16, 2014
Messages
181
Location
Denmark
There will always be approach anxiety, no matter if you're seasoned or beginner. It's just worse for the beginner.

Another I see often are guys who quit improving as they end up in relationship rather quick. Say within the first 3 months. Or simply don't put their mind on it and see no improvement, so they quit.

Then there are the perfectionists who read and watch tons of material and might head out doing a few approaches or none at all because it has to be so perfect, almost comparing themselves with the pros they've seen.

Another trap is validation. If you're a guy doing this for validation solely (or almost), you may end up getting very frustrated.
 

Lotus

Modern Human
Modern Human
Joined
Nov 12, 2014
Messages
624
Hey Black,

But when I have to take action there's this feeling:
- I have absolutely NOTHING to offer her.
- I have NOTHING to say to her.
- She'll be creeped out just for me going out of my way to say anything to her. It's crazy I'm showing my face anywhere at all to begin with.
- She may have accepted to hang out with me - but sex is completely out of her mind (because of this I stalled things with girls that were saying we should "hang out" sometime; they ended up dating another guy a week later).
- She will make a scene if I go in for the kiss, ask her out or try to lead her to a hotel; then she will tell everyone we know if it's social circle (even if it does happen to a small extent, almost no one seems to care).

Focus on being in the moment and not worrying about what if's what could be. The only thing that matters is what is.... she probably won't reject you but if she does.. learn from it. If you haven't spend time meditating that's something you MUST do. You seem to be immobilized by these bad mindsets that your logical mind knows are bad but you still can't overcome. With meditating you can observe the thoughts and bring them from unconscious to conscious

You're are a fit foreigner... a diamond in the rough there's no reason to think women wouldn't be interested in you. Just being fit puts you in the top 10% and I'm sure most of us would be envious of your bod. All your negative thoughts are just the ego trying to protect itself. Get good reference points and that will fade fast.

This assumption may be wrong but my read of you is on the outside women see you as very high quality.
- strong fundamentals
- good fashion
- fit body

BUT Internally, by own admission, you are the opposite. You said yourself "I have no game at all", you doubt yourself completely and thus you don't lead.

It's very incongruent and girls are confused by it. You see yourself a nice guy but you haven't quite calibrated a way to communicate that, so girls auto reject.
 

Black

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
May 15, 2014
Messages
102
Thank you.

I'll have some good two weeks free time soon; I'll try to get some approaching/leading done.
 

Frost

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
Joined
Jun 27, 2015
Messages
182
The Madonna-Whore complex, and the mindset that if a girl goes out with you or gets intimate with you she's doing you a favor.
 
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