What Stage is My Ex In

[starlord]

Hey guys, I just came across the "how to get your ex back article" and wanted your opinions. I'm not bad at getting women and Im not really one to try and get an ex back but I really like this girl.

Started dating this really sweet girl, I played it fun and cool as I wasn't really looking for anything at the time and she fell for me pretty quickly. Telling me she loved me after 6 months of dating (3 months together). I wasn't ready and felt pressured so I pulled away, neglected her and she dumped me. She cried and texted within days saying she made a mistake but when we got together to talk about it, she told me she didn't think we were ready, she didn't think I loved her, thought I had crushes on and checked out other girls, but we could still see each other and hook up and see what happens.

This continued for about 6 months until she asked me if I had slept with anyone else since we had split. I lied and said "no" (I slept with my other ex 1 time after she said she didn't think we were ready to be in a relationship... guess she kinda right) and I'm a bad liar so she knew, she wouldn't let it go until I admitted it and she was devastated.

We STILL kept seeing each other however with her progressively making me less of a priority. After a few months, I got fed up, we started fighting, broke up again, a couple times, back and forth both of us flip flopping.

I left her alone for a few months, focused on myself, dropped 30lbs, got back on my grind. She started contacting me again, asking if she could come get her things from my house, we had lunch and everything was cool. We talked a little bit, I'll admit I probably contacted her too much. She started texting me things like about the place we first decided to be together; I was the best sex she'd ever had and I was looking good in case I needed confidence to talk to girls... LOL Stuff where it was obvious she was missing me. We went to go see a concert, ended up at the bar where we first hooked up, had a good time but got to talking about our relationship we both got teary eyed, with her saying she just doesn't want to date anyone right now, I really hurt her and was a not so good boyfriend. Ended up at her house that night, hooking up but she wouldn't have sex. But I lied to her again the next morning about fooling around with a girl she was always jealous of, she always knows im lying but I really don't want to tell the girl I like about who Im fooling around with. Hung out one more night AGAIN got to talking about our relationship, I asked her why we shouldn't just get back together, and she reiterated she wasnt happy with her life (broke singer/actress) didn't want to date anyone right now, couldn't take getting hurt again right now, she didn't trust me but she loved me and if she was going to marry someone it would be me. I told her it was ok and I would win her back and she hugged me and repeated "I think so". Ended up at her house again, but she was acting weird so I left. She immediately texted me she was sorry for making me leave, she didn't want to lead me on how she was before. She called me before I had a chance to respond saying she was sorry, knew we would hook up if I stayed over and she loved me.

I've been acted kind of desperate the next couple days texting her too much, she was 50/50 responsive but wouldn't respond to any texts that mentioned, "us". I think I saved myself from looking completely crazy but still disappointed in myself for texter her as much as I did.

So right now I'm not really sure where I'm at. Ive been debating sending her one of these "letters" but not sure how deep or cool with it I should go. I was thinking she might have broke up with me cuz she was bored, since she slowly distanced herself, but I'm pretty sure she was doing that because she was actually really hurt.

What do you guys think is my best course of action? Letter or No letter? either way I wont be initiating contact other than to deliver the letter and grab my records from her house. But I'de like to forgive and forget and try again.

 

[Eternity]

Some different, piercing, brilliant advice:

http://heartiste.wordpress.com/2007/10/ ... into-exes/

http://heartiste.wordpress.com/2007/04/ ... irlfriend/

https://heartiste.wordpress.com/2014/02 ... heir-exes/

 

[starlord]

I know I lied, I recognize that is a problem with myself, and I know their are consequences. I did treat her pretty well, beside when she started to get a little clingy.

If your girlfriend accused you of having a crush on another girl, would you be honest and say yes? The correct response to that question from a girlfriend is to laugh it off and show your affection for her in order to kill her insecurities. But in the heat of the moment, we all make mistakes.

In regard to her asking me if I slept with anyone since we broke up. Is that really any of her business? Again I should not have lied and the correct response would have been to either be honest, or simply tell her thats none of her business.

Again I should not have lied, but in all the situations I lied because I did not want to hurt her feelings. I think we would all be hard pressed to say that we would be comfortable telling a girl we like and care about that we have a crush on another girl (everyone develops crushes in a relationship or not) or had slept with another girl.

But to reiterate my question. How should I proceed? I want to let this girl know I wouldn't hurt her again. But If she's not willing to try again I'll accept that and move on.

 

[starlord]

Any other input dudes? Would appreciate it

 

[Drck]

Dude, she wanted to be with you, you neglected her and she dumped you because she was hurt. Then you go on and off with her for another 6 months, you drag it, by constantly going after her you show her that you want her. She asks you if you slept with another girl - You did, you lied about it but then you admitted. Now she was hurt her even more.

Then you still see her again for more months, you break up several times, you are fed up, you flip flop, but again, you drag it several more months. Then you leave her alone for another couple of months. Was she dumped? Did she feel dumped? Do you think she could have been hurt again after those months?

Then she contacted you again, and you contacted her back. Good, she still like you a lot, she still thinking about you. Nevertheless, next morning you lie again about fooling around with a girl she was always jealous of. Do you think she could have been hurt one more time?

Never mind. Just hang out one more night with her again, and ask her why you shouldn't be back together. Well, she does loves you - but should she really trust you and date you? The weird thing would be if she did. How could she?

Now you are desperate, texting her, and she's responsive 50/50. Was she really bored to break up with you and make herself more distant?

You show her that you want her back. I know you are confused - but shouldn't SHE be the one who is confused? Should she drag it with you more months, read your love letters, while patiently waiting when you decide to hurt her again?


Ok, I don't mean to be critical, it's just to show how she can see the relationship. She liked/loved you a lot but is confused, hurt several times. She has or had feelings for you but at the same time her logic tells her that based on what she knows about you there is no future with you.

See, you don't have a good frame, you are not clear in what you want. You are changing your frame and that creates friction, and this friction then creates unnecessary pain... Make it simple on her. Do you want to sleep with many other girls? Good. But don't drag her into it as she is already hurt. Do you want her as a GF? That's good too, she obviously saw you as a BF material. In that case, leave the other girls out...

Honestly, I don't know what you should do to get her back, but I know what she should do: She should dump you because she can't trust you...

 

[starlord]

Man thank you for the reply because that is exactly how I know the situation is being viewed on her end.

Let me just be clear.

I want to be with this girl, I don't want to be with other girls. Because she held out on me for so long, I felt I should keep my options open. I lied because I didn't want to hurt her and didn't want to lose her by saying I had been with other girls.

She has said she sees a future with me, just not now.

Your right my frame is bad, I'm trying to reframe it. But not sure the best way which is why I'm asking for suggestions. Thanks

 

[Drck]

IMO the best way is to be honest. Don't send any letter, talk to her directly. Tell her that you realized you've made mistakes and she was hurt because of that. Tell her that you realize you really want her and you are willing to work on the relationship. If it goes well, do something good for her, e.g. Romantic (you've already slept with her so she'll be impressed), trip someplace she likes, cruise ship, whatever she likes..

 

[starlord]

Ya totally.

I was going to write her the note because I know she'll be forced to read it instead of trying to interrupt me or brush off what I say to her. She is a talker and sometimes bad at listening and she is a writer. She also makes it a point that she doesn't want a bf right now Cuz she's not happy with her current situation in life. But I say, enjoy the ride.

I'm sick of thinking about it so much just want to put it out there and move forward, whether that's with her or not. But Ide like it to be with her.

 

[Drck]

I'd be careful with writing any letters. See, it's not just about the letter, it's also about how you present yourself. As a BF you probably want to present yourself as more strong, more leading, more in charge.

With the letter, you give it to her and let her deal with it while you are not there, which may appear as weak. Everybody can do that.

On the other hand, talking to her (in)directly about problems and being honest takes guts. Not everyone can do that because it is quite difficult. If she talks more, that's actually good, let her talk as much as she want while you say only minimum. IMO this is really important issue (assuming that you want her) so the letter may not be as effective as dialog. She may look at it as if you are hiding behind the letter. How does she know you are being honest if she can't see you? Also,you may generate many emotions but since you are not there and she can't see you, they may be easily wasted. Just a thought.

Either way, good luck