What's going on here?

[Skippy]

This is about the girl I met with last week. So I invited her to cook dinner together. After a long time, she finally responds


Her: Hey , hope your week has been going well! It's very nice of you to invite me, but I'll be really busy this Friday and Saturday so I won't be able to come. But we can grab lunch together sometime next week? I can message you as next week approaches!
Me: Sure, let me know and we'll plan something (I figure this will at least buy me time)
Her: No problem! See you next week then

She clearly knows what's up because it took her much longer than usual to respond and I don't buy her excuse that she's busy on Friday and Saturday haha.

What's going on here. Is she just using lunch as a way to keep things platonic? Maybe I didn't build enough comfort?

How do I handle this. Do I just next and move on? I'm not invested in her since it's only been a week since I met her.

 

[ray_zorse]

Yeah, well it might be a friendzone (she won't isolate with you) or it might be a boyfriendzone (she wants you to commit and further qualify yourself before giving up the honey), or it might be anti slut defense (you lacked plausible deniability). Equally likely any of these things, only way to know is to move forwards. Now the problem is, if you let her put you off that easy, your frame is quite weak. It calls to mind a situation I had when I met my current girlfriend. Date #1 we ended up having dinner together, and then as date #2 I invited her to watch a movie. She responded "i wont go to your house" haha pretty blunt hey. So what I strategically did, was to meet her in the city and get her in the car and drive her to a drive-in movie. She was apprehensive, and as it turned out my escalation only proceeded as far as getting her to touch my wrist, but the point is that I put her into an ambiguous situation, rather than just accepting her frame. This helped me to not look weak. How about meet her in the local area, then immediately pull to home?
Ray
PS. Incidentally what was the timing of sending those texts? You should obviously slow down your response rate if she does. Anyway thinking about it some more, she could actually be completely legit busy. Hmm. I do not think it is a NEXT situation because she invested with quite a long text and also counter offered. So you probably offer some value to her, even if it's only friend value (but more likely boyfriend value).

 

[Lawliet]

You essentially did a "throw the ball into her court" text (i.e. "Sure, let me know then").
So if she texts you back next week, you know you're on. Usually girls won't text guys to set up dates unless they're attracted.

Downside
I don't think you can text her again next week for her schedule again without coming off chasing now

Lawliet

 

[Skippy]

Thanks for the feedback, guys!

I should clarify that I had this conversation over fb(yeah I really should've pushed for the number instead). So I could see when she had seen the message and there was a big time discrepancy between that and when she responded. (I have a hunch that she conferred with her friends on how to respond) also, I'm generally pretty good about not responding too early, but this time she messaged me when I was already online so I figured there was no use in suddenly going offline and her realizing that I was just delaying.


Ray_zorse you suggested to meet at a local area and pull her back immediately. What would the "pull" look like this time? Does that mean I should change lunch to something later in the evening when she messages me?


Here's what my logistics look like: If it's lunch, the two options really are dining halls or the campus food court, both of which are far away from my apartment (by college standards). another thing to mention is that I live really close to a bunch of restaurants but I live a bit far from campus. So it's possible i could get her to meet at one of those and maybe I could say "let's go for a walk" after eating and then say "oh i need to grab something from my apartment " and then try to get her comfortable but this will be hard since we are meeting for lunch. another option could be to disregard lunch completely by saying I'm busy then and trying to schedule something later in the evening?

 

[ray_zorse]

I think there's a bit of a risk of getting into a frame battle here, you push for your thing and she counter pushes for her thing etc, there's no real recovery from that cos anything you do is gonna hurt your value (chasing) or your attainability (dismissing her)... so it's best to sidestep this with something that "sounds" safe but isn't. Will she be coming by public transport? What about saying you'll meet her at the station and take her to lunch. Then actually take her to the supermarket and then do a cooking date. A great thing about that is you can build a little comfort and compliance in the supermarket before the pull, but without it being a proper date.
Ray

 

[Skippy]

wow that's a great idea, thanks Ray!

We'll both be on campus,so I'll have her meet me at the shuttle stop(I'll just tell her I have something fun planned), take the shuttle to the supermarket(which is a 10min walk from my house and then) buy ingredients for something easy to put together for lunch. and I'll try to schedule a day for which she has nothing major due so there's no objection with time.

 

[Skippy]

Here's an update on the situation(rather uneventful). She messaged me beginning of the week to meet up for lunch. I basically followed the above scenario but I didn't tell her where we were going until we reached the supermarket-- she really loved being told it was a surprise, and thought I was mysterious.

However, she told me she only had <2 hrs because she had class after.

Here is what my plan was: cook, finish eating, and then take her into my room to "show her a cool poster" then I would sit next to her on my bed, start Chase's 10min rule, and go for the kiss, while doing some touching before that point to get her comfortable.

What actually happened was by the time we finished shopping, cooking and eating she had to leave, in fact I was still eating and she said she had to go so she was quite worried about missing class, it seemed (attendance was mandatory for that class). right before she was leaving she realized she hadn't even seen my room, so we were walking towards it when I turned around and told her

me: "actually, let's save it for next time "

her: "oh there's going to be a next time! wow you are just so mysterious! are you always like that"

so then I saw her out. she said she had a really great time and that now she doesn't feel like doing any work.

One thing which I thought was funny was during lunch I would sometimes start talking to her in a "seductive voice" the only way I can explain it is talking as if what you are saying has a hidden sexual innuendo even though it doesn't(minus the sarcasm that occasionally arises in sexual innuendo) coupled with the eye-contact. when I did that she would start resting her head on her palm and she would look at me as if in a trance kind of like that but more tilt and a wider smile . I hope I'm onto something with this technique.

Later she messages me on fb:
Her:Hey ShuaiGe, are you still up? How much should I pay you for the lunch? Thanks again for the 烙饼！It was really fun to cook together~

Me after 7hrs: hey [name], I had a really great time with you! for the cost, I have no idea because I have a lot of leftovers from it anyways. if you want, next time you can buy us both bubble tea or something

I will try to get her back to my apartment again using bubble tea as an excuse because I live right by boba restaurants. This time, I will do it later at night and I will start Chase's 10 min rule as soon as she comes in.

Here are my questions:

1. What could I have done better? besides some incidental contact, and some patting on the back, I wasn't sure how to escalate while cooking. (we were pan frying stuff)

2. How do you guys greet a girl when you meet her for a second date?

3. Any other comments?

Thanks for all the help, guys!

PS. I can't figure out how to get the URL to parse lol

 

[Skippy]

Hey Guys! first of all, Happy Thanksgiving to those who celebrate it!

I'm posting an update on the situation to keep myself accountable. This will make it harder for me to chicken out and I certainly don't want you guys to think I'm a "wet dishrag" haha.

So the girl is coming over for dinner and a movie this weekend( I originally was just planning for a movie, but she offered to help cook dinner so I figured, why not)

One thing I realized I could've done last time is, when shes at the stove cooking, I can say "hmm very good...but you need to be a bit more relaxed when you stir the veggies" and then I start massaging her shoulders (I got this idea after reading one of ray_zorse's field reports.)

In general though I'm still trying to figure out how to go for the kiss while cooking dinner, and if it works out I guess I would just try and pull her into my room immediately--we'd have to put the cooking on pause. I'm worried its also a safety issue with the stove on and all that lol.

Anyways, this is our "3rd date", I guess. So I better make a move, otherwise I'll look really weak, and I'll probably lose her.

 

[Sophisticated Gent]

ShuaiGe,

I googled romantic cooking images. You'll see there is a lot of closeness and touching. Do this. She will love it. Build up with toughing before going for the kiss. Build the sexual tension. Do force the timing on the kiss. Feel it as the tension buildings and things are going good. She wanted to see your room which is a good sign. Good luck.

SGent

https://www.google.com/search?q=romanti ... Jw&dpr=0.9

 

[Skippy]

Thanks SGent! These pictures give some good ideas that I can model after. Also, a question

Do force the timing on the kiss.

Do you mean stick to the 10min rule?

 

[Sophisticated Gent]

Dude sorry I meant to say don't force the timing of the kiss. If possible stay within ten minutes but it is equally important to build the tension first. If you just jump the kiss in to stay in the ten minutes it can come across unnatural. It should feel as part of the natural flow.