When is it time to cut someone off for good?

samuraijack

Tool-Bearing Hominid
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I've been seeing this girl for around 3 months. She was from a cold approach group set my wing opened. I'm 33 shes 23.

I didn't put a label on anything and ive been fucking lots of other girls this whole time off dating apps. None of them compare to her in terms of attractiveness and how we vibe together.

My goal is to have fun and learn how to deal with drama better in relationships to prepare me for my future partner (s). I've had relationships in the past, my previous one was way too long (4 years) and the biggest lesson i learned was to learn to let go when things are not fun anymore and its effecting other areas of my life.

She verbalizes how she doesnt want me to see other girls. I have not had a discussion with her fully yet where I lay down what i am looking for. The frame i set was basically "dont ask, dont tell" and in my head, if the relationship progresses and we become monogamous i would just fuck other girls and lie about it very carefully so she never finds out.

The issue is that she has a drinking problem and ALOT of past trauma. And it gets BAD. Its not a daily or weekly problem that effects me, but theres been a couple instances where it has.

Example: I invite girl to meet some friends at a bar. She gets jealous when she sees a girl standing next to me. She bumps into her hard while walking by and almost starts a fight. Then she goes and dances with 2 guys which she says its cool cause they were gay and a couple. She then got very distraught and was stumbling out of the bar saying she was gonna go home and started talking about all her issues with her family and friends. When she was sober i told her that what she did was disrepectful to my firends and me and she said she wouldnt do it again.

Another example: I invited her to my friends kids birthday party. She got really drunk again but hid it well until we left. I think she was blacked out at this point. She started going on again about how she cant trust me, etc. Starting a scene in the sidewalk.

Recently, she called me around 9pm on Monday (I was on a date so i didnt pick up). She drunk texted me that she cant trust me etc blah blah blah. When i called her back after i closed my date, she told me she went to a bar after work alone and got really drunk before she called me and she was overthinking a lot of things. I told her i dont wanna deal with that bs anymore and i blocked her from everything impulsively.

She showed up to my apartment unannounced yesterday to try and apologize. I had a date to go to so I was in a rush and couldnt really sit and talk everything through. I basically said it was done tho. But we are meeting again today to talk about it.

I know there are things in my control and things out of my control. Is there anything I can do better here? I do really like her and besides this drunkenness and past trauma that causes her to get drunk and act like this, its been pretty fun.

Can a man be unreactive and strong during times like this to help the girl behave properly? Or is this out of my control and i should just cut it off?
 

Alpha13SC

Cro-Magnon Man
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What's her position regarding the drinking problem?
 

Skills

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If she has an acohol problem she is an fb, nothing to discuss or worry about, attractiveness is only one aspect for main there are many other things that need to meet the main checklist...
 

samuraijack

Tool-Bearing Hominid
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If she has an acohol problem she is an fb, nothing to discuss or worry about, attractiveness is only one aspect for main there are many other things that need to meet the main checklist...
Unfortunately I was spending every weekend with her. Like 3 days straight. She would sleep over. So me feelings for her are stronger now than an average fb
 

Tim Iron

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Unfortunately I was spending every weekend with her. Like 3 days straight. She would sleep over. So me feelings for her are stronger now than an average fb
You could always issue an ultimatum to her, "it's either alcohol rehab or nothing".
 
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Alpha13SC

Cro-Magnon Man
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She says she's going to stop but who knows. She's said that before and still did it again
I didn t went through such a thing, but similar(smoking). I can recommend this: https://www.girlschase.com/content/how-fix-problem-behavior-long-term-relationships#emotions

I can only say there s little chances she ll change this behavior by herself unless you re taking some responsability here and her her change/find the root of the problem or what is it, if you want to keep her. Otherwise long term you ll become frustrated and always thinking about dumping her. And it will become a little harder after some time, if you accept the situation as it is. The good news is that 3 months is not that long and you can cut her easier than you think. The bad news, idk, you can find one like her without the drinking part.
 
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Regal Tiger

Cro-Magnon Man
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I've been seeing this girl for around 3 months. She was from a cold approach group set my wing opened. I'm 33 shes 23.
Nice!
I didn't put a label on anything and ive been fucking lots of other girls this whole time off dating apps. None of them compare to her in terms of attractiveness and how we vibe together.

My goal is to have fun and learn how to deal with drama better in relationships to prepare me for my future partner (s). I've had relationships in the past, my previous one was way too long (4 years) and the biggest lesson i learned was to learn to let go when things are not fun anymore and its effecting other areas of my life.
I could be wrong, but I feel like you're bringing this up because you know it's probably time to end things.
She verbalizes how she doesnt want me to see other girls. I have not had a discussion with her fully yet where I lay down what i am looking for. The frame i set was basically "dont ask, dont tell" and in my head, if the relationship progresses and we become monogamous i would just fuck other girls and lie about it very carefully so she never finds out.

The issue is that she has a drinking problem and ALOT of past trauma. And it gets BAD. Its not a daily or weekly problem that effects me, but theres been a couple instances where it has.
Yeah I'm going to be honest, she sounds like she needs therapy. If she's already an alcoholic at the age of 23 there's a lot there to unpackage. Stuff that you're unqualified for just from the simple fact that you're supposed to be her lover, not her therapist.

There's absolutely no reason that you should ever muddy the waters. Maybe if you were her husband it would be different. But that's clearly not the case (I hope, just for your own sanity)
Example: I invite girl to meet some friends at a bar. She gets jealous when she sees a girl standing next to me. She bumps into her hard while walking by and almost starts a fight. Then she goes and dances with 2 guys which she says its cool cause they were gay and a couple. She then got very distraught and was stumbling out of the bar saying she was gonna go home and started talking about all her issues with her family and friends. When she was sober i told her that what she did was disrepectful to my firends and me and she said she wouldnt do it again.

Another example: I invited her to my friends kids birthday party. She got really drunk again but hid it well until we left. I think she was blacked out at this point. She started going on again about how she cant trust me, etc. Starting a scene in the sidewalk.

Recently, she called me around 9pm on Monday (I was on a date so i didnt pick up). She drunk texted me that she cant trust me etc blah blah blah. When i called her back after i closed my date, she told me she went to a bar after work alone and got really drunk before she called me and she was overthinking a lot of things. I told her i dont wanna deal with that bs anymore and i blocked her from everything impulsively.

She showed up to my apartment unannounced yesterday to try and apologize. I had a date to go to so I was in a rush and couldnt really sit and talk everything through. I basically said it was done tho. But we are meeting again today to talk about it.
Those three things just in isolation are serious red flags. But you put them all together and that's not a good look at all my man.
I know there are things in my control and things out of my control. Is there anything I can do better here? I do really like her and besides this drunkenness and past trauma that causes her to get drunk and act like this, its been pretty fun.

Can a man be unreactive and strong during times like this to help the girl behave properly? Or is this out of my control and i should just cut it off?
This is out of your control.

And I don't want to come down on this girl because I'm sure she has her good points. You mentioned above that she's much more attractive than what you're currently getting and that you vibe well.

But as @Skills pointed out above, those are just a few things for a girl to get her foot in the door for a relationship. That doesn't make the relationship itself.

And again, I fully believe that she has a lot of good things about her that you like beyond just her vibe and her looks. Otherwise you probably wouldn't have caught feelings. And you have caught feelings, no shame in that. It's what we're wired to do when we spend a lot of time together. We start to care about the girl we see. Only natural.


However, you'll notice that you put some of this stuff up here because deep down you already know the best answer for you. There's just a part of you that doesn't want to believe it and a small part of you is secretly hoping that you'll get an answer that excuses the past behavior and makes it all better. And will make it go smoother in the future.

But you need to also understand and realize that you don't have that power. None of us do. Not even the great seducers like Chase, Hector or any number of other people you can think of do. Because we're only human. We don't have the ability to control somebody else.

She has a serious drinking problem from the sounds of it. You wouldn't have wrote so much about her drinking if you didn't already know this.

You can't fix her. If I were with her I wouldn't be able to fix her. If Chase were with her he wouldn't be able to fix her. It's not a mark against you that you can't fix her. It's something that she has to do for herself. She has free will just like the rest of us. If she doesn't want to get help then no amount of effort will change that. She won't be helped because she isn't seeking it out.

And it's not your job to fix her anyways.


Remember, we can only control ourselves and people react to that. There's a lot of overlap in how we react when people do certain things.

Like, if you get slapped like Chris Rock then you're going to get mad (even if outwardly you handle it well you're still going to feel a certain way about it). If you deep dive women, fuck them well and spend a lot of time with them they're going to get attached. You're probably going to get attached.

But at the end of the day, we can only control ourselves (and most of the time not even that well!)

You're trying to salvage this relationship because she's the hottest that you've gotten in a while. You're getting a little blinded by that fact. And Chase wrote a great article detailing this very phenomenon here: https://www.girlschase.com/content/...riends-right-after-major-pickup-breakthroughs



The good news is that means you're probably on the verge of being the best you've ever been! I'm just asking you as a fellow board member to not derail and throw away all of your hard work on improving yourself for this girl. And again, I'm sure she's great in a bunch of different areas. However it sounds like the cons are outweighing the pros because otherwise you wouldn't be here asking about it.

You already know what you should do
 

samuraijack

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
Joined
May 20, 2021
Messages
88
Nice!

I could be wrong, but I feel like you're bringing this up because you know it's probably time to end things.

Yeah I'm going to be honest, she sounds like she needs therapy. If she's already an alcoholic at the age of 23 there's a lot there to unpackage. Stuff that you're unqualified for just from the simple fact that you're supposed to be her lover, not her therapist.

There's absolutely no reason that you should ever muddy the waters. Maybe if you were her husband it would be different. But that's clearly not the case (I hope, just for your own sanity)

Those three things just in isolation are serious red flags. But you put them all together and that's not a good look at all my man.

This is out of your control.

And I don't want to come down on this girl because I'm sure she has her good points. You mentioned above that she's much more attractive than what you're currently getting and that you vibe well.

But as @Skills pointed out above, those are just a few things for a girl to get her foot in the door for a relationship. That doesn't make the relationship itself.

And again, I fully believe that she has a lot of good things about her that you like beyond just her vibe and her looks. Otherwise you probably wouldn't have caught feelings. And you have caught feelings, no shame in that. It's what we're wired to do when we spend a lot of time together. We start to care about the girl we see. Only natural.


However, you'll notice that you put some of this stuff up here because deep down you already know the best answer for you. There's just a part of you that doesn't want to believe it and a small part of you is secretly hoping that you'll get an answer that excuses the past behavior and makes it all better. And will make it go smoother in the future.

But you need to also understand and realize that you don't have that power. None of us do. Not even the great seducers like Chase, Hector or any number of other people you can think of do. Because we're only human. We don't have the ability to control somebody else.

She has a serious drinking problem from the sounds of it. You wouldn't have wrote so much about her drinking if you didn't already know this.

You can't fix her. If I were with her I wouldn't be able to fix her. If Chase were with her he wouldn't be able to fix her. It's not a mark against you that you can't fix her. It's something that she has to do for herself. She has free will just like the rest of us. If she doesn't want to get help then no amount of effort will change that. She won't be helped because she isn't seeking it out.

And it's not your job to fix her anyways.


Remember, we can only control ourselves and people react to that. There's a lot of overlap in how we react when people do certain things.

Like, if you get slapped like Chris Rock then you're going to get mad (even if outwardly you handle it well you're still going to feel a certain way about it). If you deep dive women, fuck them well and spend a lot of time with them they're going to get attached. You're probably going to get attached.

But at the end of the day, we can only control ourselves (and most of the time not even that well!)

You're trying to salvage this relationship because she's the hottest that you've gotten in a while. You're getting a little blinded by that fact. And Chase wrote a great article detailing this very phenomenon here: https://www.girlschase.com/content/...riends-right-after-major-pickup-breakthroughs



The good news is that means you're probably on the verge of being the best you've ever been! I'm just asking you as a fellow board member to not derail and throw away all of your hard work on improving yourself for this girl. And again, I'm sure she's great in a bunch of different areas. However it sounds like the cons are outweighing the pros because otherwise you wouldn't be here asking about it.

You already know what you should do

Appreciate the thought out response. I think i am investing way too much emotion and thought into this "relationship".

I've noticed this past year Ive been drowning myself in app dates and ignoring a lot of the other areas of my life.

Then she comes a long and now its like my brain has another excuse for something to focus on instead of following my path.

I think i need to kick start my cold approach back up. I've never had the feeling of true abundance. But doing it efficiently this time.
 

Bismarck

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I can relate.

First of all, usually the hottest girls guys smash (reaching the next level of girl hotness) are damaged goods, because they're easier to bang than the more psychologically healthy fare at their level.

Secondly, I'm also seeing a girl who I've let sleep over a few times who always needs to drink for us to fuck. The last time she was drunk. I don't like drunk sex. She won't suck my dick, she won't let me doggy her. She has short fair (feminist). She forces me to wear a condom. Like yours, I think she has past trauma that blocks her. She also has self-esteem issues with her body, presumably stemming from the fact that she used to be hotter and has let herself go (for me - I fetishize thinness, but she would still be considered hot by many on this board (Skills, etc.)). She also eats junk food.

I've decided to simply cut her off, since last time she came over she hadn't even taken a bath and stank.

I don't want to reach 100 notches by porking crap.

BTW I'm going to be visiting NYC this year. Would be cool to meet up if you're around and go mack on some baes.
 

Skills

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I can relate.

First of all, usually the hottest girls guys smash (reaching the next level of girl hotness) are damaged goods, because they're easier to bang than the more psychologically healty fare at their level.

Secondly, I'm also seeing a girl who I've let sleep over a few times who always needs to drink for us to fuck. The last time she was drunk. I don't like drunk sex. She won't suck my dick, she won't let me doggy her. She has short fair (feminist). She forces me to wear a condom. Like yours, I think she has past trauma that blocks her. She also has self-esteem issues with her body, presumably stemming from the fact that she used to be hotter and has let herself go (for me - I fetishize thinness, but she would still be considered hot by many on this board (Skills, etc.)). She also eats junk food.

I've decided to simply cut her off, since last time she came over she hadn't even taken a bath and stank.

I don't want to reach 100 notches by porking crap.

BTW I'm going to be visiting NYC this year. Would be cool to meet up if you're around and go mack on some baes.
I would never fuck a girl like this based on your description more than once..
 

Vision

Tribal Elder
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Messages
323
The alcohol won't stop... she might start hiding it from you though... but she'll resent you for it. And at some point, it'll all blow up in your face in the worst way possible because she's got a serious alcohol problem that she uses to numb her pain.

This will likely be a problem for her for the rest of her life. The only thing that'll really stop it is if she hits rock bottom, decides she needs to change for herself, and then replaces the alcoholism with another coping mechanism.

But if she does it just for you, it won't last... it'll just be a secret that she may be able to hide temporarily but it'll come back out in a couple months (at most) because she doesn't really want to stop it and she doesn't know how to stop it and she enjoys it too much and it's the most effective, easiest way to soothe the inner pain that she feels in the short term.
 

Fuck This

Cro-Magnon Man
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The alcohol has a stronger hold on her than you ever will.

Alcohol addiction and Drug use were both things I put on my personal "dealbreakers" list. Don't think I'm judgy but i have family who have become teetotallers because of addiction.

I'm watching a former neighbor, an older man with his hot younger wife all over Social media vacationing and hearing form mutual friends, he's put her through rehab a few times already. He must think it is worth it, but I don't.

It's just a battle I won't put the effort in to fight.
 

samuraijack

Tool-Bearing Hominid
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Just updating so others can learn from my experience.

I continued to talk to and see her until today. We talked about her drinking etc yesterday.

She shows up drunk today. Made me wait 2 hours with no contact. Said she drank at work and went to coworkers place to drink more then came over.

Its done for sure now. What a ride. I never dealt wit this before so its a great learning experience.

I also thought....man if i had a girl as attractive as her without this issue, would I be stressing? No. I wouldve just ghosted her and forgetting about it easily.

In a weird way motivates me to be a better person so that I dont pass on trauma to others or my children
 
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