When To Delete Old Friends And Others?

[Troy]

Ok so I rarely tag people, especially in initial posts. Because I respect ya'll time and ability to choose what to do. However I'm making an exception today. I have a question for @Chase

I read the article that you wrote recently:

Friends Who Value You Less Than You Do Them

You may have friends you feel you need more than they need you. Why does this happen with friends, and what can you do to make it a realer, more equal friendship? A week ago on the forum one of our members asked me about friends who seemingly value you less than you do them / friends who seem to...

www.girlschase.com

My questions are:

1. At what point do you delete friends numbers? And others you know?

2. At what point do you give up on past male friendships? What grounds do you take to determine its the right thing to do? I know you wrote the article https://www.girlschase.com/content/i-don-t-chase-em-i-replace-em and I wanted to know how it applies to men as well. I think every guy should have an expiration date in my life if they are showing low signs of interest in being friends.

I have people I know on Facebook and Whatsapp who know me for years. If we happened to bump into each other, they would be excited to see me. We would have laughs and have fun. We dont have any arguments or any other issues.

What I have noticed though is, if I message some of these same male/female friends, they have a tendency to ghost, see messages and not reply. It is as if people have become more flaky. NB. I dont think these people are that busy to reply. I got projects lined up from now right back to August 2022. Im slammed by the hour.

So Im not trying to be an ass to these people. I try to see where they come from, however it does seem like some of these friendships have gone past the point of return. If Im the only one initiating the relationship, there will be no relationship in my opinion.

 

[Chase]

@Troy,

Here's how I decide to delete a phone number:

1. It's been ages since I heard from this person. In fact, I cannot remember the last time, AND
2. I have no great interest in contacting this person again and cannot imagine ever needing to either, OR
3. I have no idea who this person is, my notes on the contact don't tell me, and I've noticed the name scrolling through my list multiple times over months or a year or more and can't remember who it is for the life of me

Otherwise, no harm comes from leaving someone in my phone.

I get that if you're having difficulty with anger toward people for not behaving toward you the way you want, maybe you want to delete numbers for cathartic reasons. Maybe there's some value in that; it's not something I know much about. I'd already dealt with my mad-at-the-world feelings and exorcised them before I got into socializing.

As for giving up on male friendships... all right, here's the deal: I'm a pretty busy guy, and have been since I started socializing. So even when I wasn't the best at making new friends, I still had tons of things to do and would be meeting people regularly. So in terms of his availability to me as a friend, we have four potential conditions:

• Ordinary people with no exceptional value: these are okay 'starter friends' but as soon as you're established in a new town or have rebuilt your social life after time away there's not really much you're going to have in common with them and they're not the sort of folks you want to spend what precious time you have for socializing on. So these folks serve more as short-term acquaintances you fall out of contact with as your friend roster fills up with higher caliber contacts.
  
  
• Exceptional people who initiate with you and are quite available to you: these are your best friends. Sometimes they're someone you meet at just the right time where they were also looking for a new best friend, and you both happen to satisfy the other's need for that perfectly. Sometimes it's someone who was a boss, mentor, employee, acquaintance, or mentee who progressed into a best friend over time.
  
  
• Exceptional people who don't initiate with you but are somewhat available to you: these are your mentors or other valuable contacts (like a party connection). You have to do most/all the initiating with them, and they aren't always available, however they sometimes are, and they're high value in some way or other that you value enough to accept having them in a sort of mentor or other contact role. With enough time (typically not less than a year, but more often over two or three years), if you remain a persistent part of their lives and show yourself to be valuable to them, the relationship may progress from a mentor-mentee or other type relationship to a best friends relationship.
  
  
• Exceptional people who don't initiate and aren't really available: this is the guy who almost never texts you first, almost never is available when you text, and often doesn't respond to your messages altogether. Though perhaps every month or two he randomly messages you to come out to some group thing, probably as a mass text. Folks like this aren't really worth keeping around in any capacity if you ask me... it's another person to have to try to remember to stay in contact with, but you don't get much out of it except from occasional invitations to things you probably don't care to go to. Pass on these folks.

Beyond the other party's availability, I would also add:

1. If a guy starts becoming a real drag emotionally... either he's crying about a woman all the time or he's become bitchy with me or something else, I will distance myself from him and probably eventually more or less ghost him. I don't need to deal with this
   
   
2. If a guy starts acting distant toward me, as if I've done something that offended him, but he won't tell me what, or he tries to hint at things and I don't know what he's hinting at, I will distance myself from him and probably more or less ghost him. Again, not something I need to deal with
   
   
3. If a guy repeatedly says he's going to meet up with me, and repeatedly flakes, I will distance myself from him and probably more or less ghost him. I don't hold any grudges here... I'm quite a flakey guy myself, but I will at least try to make appointments (even if I might be late... sometimes really late), and I can at least recognize when I am screwing up someone's schedule/day and will offer to make it up to him. If he flakes repeatedly and does not offer me at least the courtesy of profuse apologies and attempts to make recompense (even if I would just tell him "No worries dude, it's all good" -- it's the thought that counts here, really), this is not someone I want to continue giving chances to punch holes in my schedule

I have people I know on Facebook and Whatsapp who know me for years. If we happened to bump into each other, they would be excited to see me. We would have laughs and have fun. We dont have any arguments or any other issues.

What I have noticed though is, if I message some of these same male/female friends, they have a tendency to ghost, see messages and not reply. It is as if people have become more flaky. NB. I dont think these people are that busy to reply. I got projects lined up from now right back to August 2022. Im slammed by the hour.

So Im not trying to be an ass to these people. I try to see where they come from, however it does seem like some of these friendships have gone past the point of return. If Im the only one initiating the relationship, there will be no relationship in my opinion.

Those would either fall in the "ordinary people" bucket or the "non-responsive exceptional people" bucket for me (depending on whether they are just ordinary people I am staying in touch with just because, or if they actually have some great quality worth trying to keep in my life).

Either way, if they're just leaving you on read, it's a dead contact. Drop 'em and move on.

I haven't done a lot of small town stuff where you're running into people much who have ghosted you via devices. I have had that happen to me sometimes though. When it has, I just wrote the person off mentally, and when I saw him/her, I was cordial but no more; you just treat the individual like anyone you know in passing: friendly smile, "How's it going? That's great! Take care of yourself," then on about your business.

Really no need to keep worrying about people who aren't available. There are too many other people in the world to meet, many of whom will end up becoming a part of your life. You need to free up space to focus on promising leads and not keep chasing after dead ones.

Chase

 

[Troy]

I get that if you're having difficulty with anger toward people for not behaving toward you the way you want, maybe you want to delete numbers for cathartic reasons. Maybe there's some value in that; it's not something I know much about. I'd already dealt with my mad-at-the-world feelings and exorcised them before I got into socializing.

Yeah, I pretty much only feel the need to delete for cathartic reasons. It really depends on the person. If it was a girl who flaked on a date, the feeling is sadness. And it causes me to think negatively. On the flip side, if it is someone who I think has unfairly treated me (rude for no reason) then I would feel angry in that situation.

So for those situations, I try to remove myself from the situation. Because if every time I open my phone and see their name, it can bring back up those negative emotions.

As for giving up on male friendships... all right, here's the deal: I'm a pretty busy guy, and have been since I started socializing. So even when I wasn't the best at making new friends, I still had tons of things to do and would be meeting people regularly. So in terms of his availability to me as a friend, we have four potential conditions:

• Ordinary people with no exceptional value: these are okay 'starter friends' but as soon as you're established in a new town or have rebuilt your social life after time away there's not really much you're going to have in common with them and they're not the sort of folks you want to spend what precious time you have for socializing on. So these folks serve more as short-term acquaintances you fall out of contact with as your friend roster fills up with higher caliber contacts.
  
  
• Exceptional people who initiate with you and are quite available to you: these are your best friends. Sometimes they're someone you meet at just the right time where they were also looking for a new best friend, and you both happen to satisfy the other's need for that perfectly. Sometimes it's someone who was a boss, mentor, employee, acquaintance, or mentee who progressed into a best friend over time.
  
  
• Exceptional people who don't initiate with you but are somewhat available to you: these are your mentors or other valuable contacts (like a party connection). You have to do most/all the initiating with them, and they aren't always available, however they sometimes are, and they're high value in some way or other that you value enough to accept having them in a sort of mentor or other contact role. With enough time (typically not less than a year, but more often over two or three years), if you remain a persistent part of their lives and show yourself to be valuable to them, the relationship may progress from a mentor-mentee or other type relationship to a best friends relationship.
  
  
• Exceptional people who don't initiate and aren't really available: this is the guy who almost never texts you first, almost never is available when you text, and often doesn't respond to your messages altogether. Though perhaps every month or two he randomly messages you to come out to some group thing, probably as a mass text. Folks like this aren't really worth keeping around in any capacity if you ask me... it's another person to have to try to remember to stay in contact with, but you don't get much out of it except from occasional invitations to things you probably don't care to go to. Pass on these folks.

Beyond the other party's availability, I would also add:

1. If a guy starts becoming a real drag emotionally... either he's crying about a woman all the time or he's become bitchy with me or something else, I will distance myself from him and probably eventually more or less ghost him. I don't need to deal with this
   
   
2. If a guy starts acting distant toward me, as if I've done something that offended him, but he won't tell me what, or he tries to hint at things and I don't know what he's hinting at, I will distance myself from him and probably more or less ghost him. Again, not something I need to deal with
   
   
3. If a guy repeatedly says he's going to meet up with me, and repeatedly flakes, I will distance myself from him and probably more or less ghost him. I don't hold any grudges here... I'm quite a flakey guy myself, but I will at least try to make appointments (even if I might be late... sometimes really late), and I can at least recognize when I am screwing up someone's schedule/day and will offer to make it up to him. If he flakes repeatedly and does not offer me at least the courtesy of profuse apologies and attempts to make recompense (even if I would just tell him "No worries dude, it's all good" -- it's the thought that counts here, really), this is not someone I want to continue giving chances to punch holes in my schedule

Those would either fall in the "ordinary people" bucket or the "non-responsive exceptional people" bucket for me (depending on whether they are just ordinary people I am staying in touch with just because, or if they actually have some great quality worth trying to keep in my life).

Either way, if they're just leaving you on read, it's a dead contact. Drop 'em and move on.

I haven't done a lot of small town stuff where you're running into people much who have ghosted you via devices. I have had that happen to me sometimes though. When it has, I just wrote the person off mentally, and when I saw him/her, I was cordial but no more; you just treat the individual like anyone you know in passing: friendly smile, "How's it going? That's great! Take care of yourself," then on about your business.

Really no need to keep worrying about people who aren't available. There are too many other people in the world to meet, many of whom will end up becoming a part of your life. You need to free up space to focus on promising leads and not keep chasing after dead ones.

Chase

Solid advice. I will apply it. Thanks, Chase!