When to end a highly invested LTR

[ChrisCassi]

So this might be a little long

I'm 18, almost 19, and I've been dating my first real girlfriend for about 9 months now. She's a great looking girl, really caring, and awesome in the bed room. Problem is, I'm starting not to feel anything for her anymore sometimes, then other times I do.

Backing up a bit, I've known her for 3 years. I chased her pretty hard back in the day, and of course I friend zoned. Hard. After getting over my heartbreak, I remained close friends with her until last summer, then using what I learned from this website, I decided to win heart again, and I did so with absolute easy. Fast forward to today, I'm losing any real emotion for 70% of the time, and the rest of time I do legitimately care for her.

This puts me at a crossroads, as I'm completely lost in what to do. I haven't dealt with this problem so I decided to seek some guidance from some experienced people on this site.

To list some examples, earlier today I went over to her house and of course when I get there she's super excited to see me, and I'm just not. She wants to kiss and make out, and I'm just like meh, sure. I felt no desire to. We go out to eat I give like half ass responses to her, and I just feel like why are we still together.

Later she gets upset for something stupid, and I could careless about what she's feeling. Then, after a few minutes of crying when she gets there, I feel completely different. I want to be with her, and I care for her.

This completely clouds my judgment on how I really, really feel. I feel like if I do break up with her, I'm gonna regret it and miss her and chase her hard. If I don't, I feel like I'm gonna be stuck in a unhappy relationship(on my part).

Plus I know she has a hard abandonment issue. Like she use to self harm and such like that, I'm not sure if I can handle knowing I'd be causing more of it to happen. And at the start of the relationship(like an idiot) I told her how I plan on spending the rest of my life with her, etc. Problem is, she is taking it literally. All she talks about it our future and how much she loves me. I feel like I'm lying to her when I say it back. And she's met all of my family, I already bought my ticket to go to her prom next month, she has plans to come on vacation with my family too over the summer.

So basically I've put so much invest in to this relationship, plus the upcoming commitments I made I feel like I'm stuck with her, and I don't want to be. But at the sametime I feel if I dump her I might be missing out and will regret it and fuck myself in the ass.

 

[luego]

RUN. You're still just a kid, and you're dealing with your first girlfriend, and already having questions about it. And she has a history of self-harm. It becomes so easy for a "bad" relationship to last just 1 more month, then just 1 more year, then just one more decade.

Don't. Date. Crazy.

 

[ChrisCassi]

It's not that she's crazy, because she actually has her head to ground most of the time.

It's just I feel like I'm in too deep and I'm stuck with her. I mean in reality I have good, stable relationship most of the time. It's just most of the time I'm not feeling it either. Like I'm giving her sex nowadays cuz she wants it, not me

 

[daviddreamer]

You need to reevaluate what you're looking for. If you're the type that just wants a bunch of short-term relationships and sleep around then its best that you let her down easy and let her go. Plus you're young.

 

[Inferno]

Have you tried thinking of your sex as a gift to her? Chase had a recent article on that, and mabey it could help you feel better and desire sex more. I mean she's cute right, obviously because you chased after her for a minute. But if you dont like her , just go on to the next one, especially if you used the stuff you learned on girlschase. Good luck.

 

[ChrisCassi]

I'm not the person who likes to sleep around. I prefer sticking to one woman at a time. But the problem is I'm starting to feel anything for her. Like I don't like saying anything nice to her like 'I Love You' or anything. I feel doing things with her more as an obligation nowadays.

I feel like I have to be with her. I.E. I love music. It's my passion in life. So I love going to concerts. Problem is, she always wants to go with me nowadays. I listen to heavy metal, and she didn't care for it until we started dating, but now she wants to go to everyone i go to, and when she goes I have to sit back and watch it with her, when I'm the guy who loves to just rush into the pit and go crazy and crowd surf. I can't leave her side. Not for sec. Because first she wants me to stay with her and second if I do she'll have an anxiety attack due to some pretty intense abandonment issues.

If I tell her that she cannot go with that starts a pretty big fight questioning whether I still care for her(Which I am) and it makes me look like the bad guy to everyone cuz I won't let my gf come hang out with me.

That is just the prime example. There are a lot of other littles things like that. I know the obvious answer is the break up with her but I feel I'm stuck cuz I'll feel guilty for breaking up with her and cuz I'm sure I'll miss her and try to get back together with her in a couple days max.

I just feel like either way I'm gonna make myself miserable and it's just been driving me crazy.

 

[Whizzy]

Give this a try, try doing more of the things that you truly want to do and fewer (but still some) of the things she wants you too. Part of the problem is that you are stuck doing things you dont want to im willing to bet

 

[ChrisCassi]

So it's been a few weeks since an update.

Basically I told her how I was feeling and gave it two weeks of being on a break for me to think about it.

After the elapsed time I'm still as unsure I was two weeks ago. It's kinda weird I wake up wanting to break with her and by the time I hit the pillow that night I want to stay with her. It's pretty confusing to me personally.

Anyway I went and saw her a couple nights ago, and thinking about dropping the bomb and when she started crying I couldn't bring myself. I just wanted to comfort her. Knowing I'll be hurting is something that's bothering as I have always been the person to not hurt anyone who hadn't earned it.

Thoughts?

 

[Whizzy]

Sounds like you're keeping her in limbo which is just as bad as hurting her I hate to say :/

 

[ChrisCassi]

Exactly I know. Problem is I don't know which choice is the best. The grass always seems greener on the other side.

 

[Whizzy]

Exactly I know. Problem is I don't know which choice is the best. The grass always seems greener on the other side.

Either way, no regrets and stick to the decision. Being unsure can be natural but either way a decision has to be made for both of you

 

[ChrisCassi]

Broke up with her this morning. She took it pretty hard. Hoping I made the right choice here.

 

[Franco]

CC,

Broke up with her this morning. She took it pretty hard. Hoping I made the right choice here.

I've been kinda following this one. Make sure not to contact her after you've made it final so that she can move forward. In due time, if she wants to contact you again, she will.

Hit the streets/bars/clubs or wherever you prefer to do game immediately. There's a moment usually within the first 1-3 weeks where guys start to wonder whether or not they made right decision, and it can be a really tough emotional period, especially if they don't get out there and start seeing new chicks right away. Remember, one of the hardest parts about moving forward after breaking up with your girl is that you're starting from ground zero (most of the time) with no women in the queue. So make sure to start getting some phone numbers and setting up some dates so you can keep your mind distracted!

EDIT: Some people seem to think that you need a "cooldown" period right after a break-up to deal with the emotions. I think this is the worst thing you can do since your mind will obviously only be on one thing. So get out and meet new women as soon as possible!

Good luck, bud! If you went through with the actual break-up, then you probably made the right decision.

- Franco

 

[daviddreamer]

Good response Franco. For the young OP follow that advice.

 

[Marty]

Franco:

This is at a bit of a tangent, but...

Some people seem to think that you need a "cooldown" period right after a break-up to deal with the emotions. I think this is the worst thing you can do since your mind will obviously only be on one thing. So get out and meet new women as soon as possible!

...how does this work for the chicks?

Let me be specific. Sunday I stopped a girl as she was coming out of the bookstore and we got chatting; I went direct of course. She received me warmly and started telling me how she likes Kraft beers as well as the food in the restaurants that serve them. This was a perfect segue into asking her out, very naturally. Initially I shot for same-day dinner, as she said she got off work at 4 PM.

Her first reaction was to decline very apologetically on account of just having broken off an engagement with a man she'd been seeing for 7 years (she's only 26, so that's essentially most of her dating life—why on Earth do girls waste their youth on that sort of man who just leads them up the garden path?? Anyway...), and that she wanted to "stay away from men" for a bit. This was kinda half-hearted on her part as she then went on to ask if I'd give her a business card.

So I persisted, telling her that there needn't be any pressure or expectations; but that I could promise she'd have a good time. She told me that the same evening was not convenient, but gave me her cell phone number anyway; I shot her an icebreaker text around the time she got off (but didn't hear back).

If I face any further resistance to my date proposal when I call her, I'm wondering whether I should adopt your advice above and tell her that "cooldown periods" are a bad idea and should be avoided... might this be effective?

-Marty

 

[Franco]

Marty,

...how does this work for the chicks?

It's all over the place for girls because they do whatever they emotionally feel at any given moment, so it's something you shouldn't really be worrying too much about. One moment she'll be in tears over the broken engagement, the next moment she's hooking up with some guy as a "rebound," then the next moment she's saying she's staying away from men for awhile, then the next moment she's actively dating guys, then she's again saying she's staying away from men for awhile... you get the picture.

There's no logical explanation to why a girl might be feeling that way right at a given moment, but there's a logical explanation in understanding that break-ups are difficult for women (especially after long-term relationships) because there are so many lingering feelings that come and go based on her mood, environment, and social life. It's best to just understand that that is the way it is, and it should in no way affect the way you approach things with women, which is why I say it's something you shouldn't be worrying about.

If I face any further resistance to my date proposal when I call her, I'm wondering whether I should adopt your advice above and tell her that "cooldown periods" are a bad idea and should be avoided... might this be effective?

Definitely, absolutely, positively not. Your job is to ignore any other feelings she might be having at any given moment and instead be attempting to instill feelings of excitement, danger, and sexual arousal in her so that they override other feelings (which is actually quite easy to do with women as opposed to men BECAUSE of the fact that women are so prone to emotional changes). Don't try to logically explain why she should ignore feelings she might be having relating to a man she obviously loved at some point and was with for seven years. For obvious reasons, you're at a complete disadvantage as a stranger who knows next to nothing about her.

- Franco

 

[Casanovelis]

CC,

Broke up with her this morning. She took it pretty hard. Hoping I made the right choice here.

I've been kinda following this one. Make sure not to contact her after you've made it final so that she can move forward. In due time, if she wants to contact you again, she will.

Hit the streets/bars/clubs or wherever you prefer to do game immediately. There's a moment usually within the first 1-3 weeks where guys start to wonder whether or not they made right decision, and it can be a really tough emotional period, especially if they don't get out there and start seeing new chicks right away. Remember, one of the hardest parts about moving forward after breaking up with your girl is that you're starting from ground zero (most of the time) with no women in the queue. So make sure to start getting some phone numbers and setting up some dates so you can keep your mind distracted!

EDIT: Some people seem to think that you need a "cooldown" period right after a break-up to deal with the emotions. I think this is the worst thing you can do since your mind will obviously only be on one thing. So get out and meet new women as soon as possible!

Good luck, bud! If you went through with the actual break-up, then you probably made the right decision.

- Franco

I am going to second this one. The 1-3 weeks is a REALLY bad place to be if you don't get something lined up quick. I had a relationship of about a year, we were really close but she lost her job and wanted me to move with her. I ended up breaking up with her and not moving because I would have been giving up any dreams I had or ambitions. It was kind of a 1 sided request on her part. There was an overlaying theme about things always being about her. Anyways after she moved I still cared about her and called occasionally to make sure she was alright being by herself. Really somebody I had shared a lot with. I knew I had made the right decision and knew it wouldn't have went well if I had moved with her. But nevertheless I had in my mind we would be really good friends. Then 3 weeks later I decided I had made a HUGE mistake and apologized and chased HARD. I set myself up for about a month of heartbreak when she dragged things on until finally she ignored me completely. I then drove across state to randomly knock on her door to win her back. She could have really given a shit less about me at that point. It was really hurtful to see somebody that I loved/trusted (and helped support when they were down) for such a long time to treat me like that. Especially after the breakup when I tried to retain somewhat of a platonic relationship with her.


Go out there and find some new stray.

 

[Marty]

Okay Franco, hopefully Chris Cassi's not gonna mind me continuing this tangent and bumping this thread... Chris if you do mind, I apologize!

Your job is to ignore any other feelings she might be having at any given moment and instead be attempting to instill feelings of excitement, danger, and sexual arousal in her so that they override other feelings

So late tonight (11:15 PM) I got the following 2 (!) text messages back from this babe:

• (1) I must say I am very flattered by your interest but I'm not looking to meet or date any men right now. I hope you understand.
  
  (2 minutes later)
  
  (2) Also I'm preparing to graduate from a Master's program next month, while ending a 7-year relationship... it's a bit stressful!

Actions a little divergent from words... why does she bother texting all this detail? Tell me if the following response is okay:

• Perfect! As I hope I made clear I'm not looking for a girlfriend right now. Once you get so horny you can't keep your hands off of yourself, give me a call.

Too high-risk, or about right? If you like it I'll send it in the morning.

-Marty

 

[Franco]

Too high-risk, or about right? If you like it I'll send it in the morning.

A bit too much, and I definitely don't think it will be congruent with your in-person behavior at the moment (given that working on being more sexual is something that is a work in progress for you). Although, given her response, it doesn't look too positive from this point. But...

You could go with something like:

I'm not looking to get into any serious dating myself, so hopefully I didn't come across that way. I did enjoy your company, however! If you'd like to grab a drink and have a relaxing evening with me, then the offer still stands. What do you say?

You need to work on making sexual frames part of your persona in-person before you bring up anything sexual over text. As a matter of fact, if you're good enough in person, you don't even need to be sexual at all over the phone. You just text, set up the meet, and go!

- Franco

 

[ChrisCassi]

CC,

Broke up with her this morning. She took it pretty hard. Hoping I made the right choice here.

I've been kinda following this one. Make sure not to contact her after you've made it final so that she can move forward. In due time, if she wants to contact you again, she will.

Hit the streets/bars/clubs or wherever you prefer to do game immediately. There's a moment usually within the first 1-3 weeks where guys start to wonder whether or not they made right decision, and it can be a really tough emotional period, especially if they don't get out there and start seeing new chicks right away. Remember, one of the hardest parts about moving forward after breaking up with your girl is that you're starting from ground zero (most of the time) with no women in the queue. So make sure to start getting some phone numbers and setting up some dates so you can keep your mind distracted!

EDIT: Some people seem to think that you need a "cooldown" period right after a break-up to deal with the emotions. I think this is the worst thing you can do since your mind will obviously only be on one thing. So get out and meet new women as soon as possible!

Good luck, bud! If you went through with the actual break-up, then you probably made the right decision.

- Franco

I am going to second this one. The 1-3 weeks is a REALLY bad place to be if you don't get something lined up quick. I had a relationship of about a year, we were really close but she lost her job and wanted me to move with her. I ended up breaking up with her and not moving because I would have been giving up any dreams I had or ambitions. It was kind of a 1 sided request on her part. There was an overlaying theme about things always being about her. Anyways after she moved I still cared about her and called occasionally to make sure she was alright being by herself. Really somebody I had shared a lot with. I knew I had made the right decision and knew it wouldn't have went well if I had moved with her. But nevertheless I had in my mind we would be really good friends. Then 3 weeks later I decided I had made a HUGE mistake and apologized and chased HARD. I set myself up for about a month of heartbreak when she dragged things on until finally she ignored me completely. I then drove across state to randomly knock on her door to win her back. She could have really given a shit less about me at that point. It was really hurtful to see somebody that I loved/trusted (and helped support when they were down) for such a long time to treat me like that. Especially after the breakup when I tried to retain somewhat of a platonic relationship with her.


Go out there and find some new stray.

That's great advice, and exactly what I was worried happening to me.


Anyway, it's been about two weeks and I feel as happy as ever. I have no regrets atm. Though she is still constantly texting me 24/7 cuz she wants us to at least be friends(she still wants us back together though).

Other then I've basically been living life doing what I want without any sort of relationship stress that was a burden before. Just out there enjoying life and flirting around.