When To Stop Persisting

[AsianPersuasion]

Last night, one of the situations where I persisted hard blew up in my face. This was with a girl I really liked, but I guess on the bright side, this way I'll never forget the lesson she taught me.
The interaction between her and me is posted in Field Reports as FR+ but I'll focus on the persistence part.

After I kissed her, she told me that she liked me, but wasn't looking for a relationship.. I wasn't either, so I just interpreted that as a green light and said "That's okay. I'm not either."

In the car, when I asked to continue kissing, she told me she had made up her mind that I was going home on time and that we would not pull over to kiss. I continued to persist, but continued to get a no from her.. We did however kiss at the stoplights. She threatened to leave the car and walk home if I parked it and I was considering calling her bluff, so when I got to her house, I faked passing it by accident, but when she motioned slowly that she was leaving, I gave up and dropped her off, and we had our last kiss.

Just recently I tried to schedule a second date with her, but last night, she called and told me about how she doesn't think she ever wants to go on another date with me. She talked about how my persistence felt creepy because she said no so many times, that it seemed like I was manipulating her, and that I violated the trust she previously had in me.

Since the first day I discovered Girls Chase and began to seek improvement in the dating arts, I've never felt guilty about anything up until now. My early decision was to err on the side of being to bold and persisting too much so that I would learn faster... I guess in a way I got what I wanted.

But to avoid hurting more girls, I'd like to get a better idea of when I should stop trying to persist and respect the girl's no... Or should I continue persisting and ignore what they say after the fact to focus on my present goal?
Thank you!

 

[Light]

What you're getting confused here is Persistence vs Forceful.
She felt forced in the car because:
1) She was the passenger, you had control of the destination of the vehicle.
2) She had no route of escape if she ever felt uncomfortable, and which she did.

If a girl says no. It means no.
If she was in your bed, that is a different story. She wouldn't be in your bed if she was not comfortable with you.
But she was in a car. She expect nothing to happen. This is where you are confused.

Persistence is the keep going, as long as she remains comfortable with you, and if she doesn't have a valid reason to say no.
Forceful is when she feels uncomfortable, and she has a valid reason for saying no to you.

 

[AsianPersuasion]

Okay. Thanks for the input Light. If car sex is my only escalation option, how do I let her know she has a way out?

 

[Light]

You need to have done a hell of a great job in escalating her BEFORe you get in the car.

 

[AsianPersuasion]

Okay.. I'll try kissing her first in some other area and then after escalating ask if she wants to go to the car. Thanks Light! I appreciate all the input you've given me

 

[Franco]

Hey AP,

As Light mentioned, you can try escalating before you reach the car. The other option is to escalate before you begin to drive somewhere -- this requires you to plan your parking spot ahead of time so that you park somewhere that you can actually escalate. That way, she knows she can just open the door and leave the car should she feel at all uncomfortable. If you think about it, the car was moving (or in traffic) when you were attempting to escalate with her. This means she was literally trapped with you -- unless she decided to pull a "James Bond" and dive out the window! -- until you stopped the car.

You don't want her to feel like she doesn't have a way out. This is probably why she accused you of manipulation. Don't take it to heart though; instead, see it as an error in you not realizing that you didn't give her a fair way out of the situation. This helped you learn what you did wrong, so now you won't make the same mistake twice! =)

- Franco

 

[AsianPersuasion]

Thanks Franco! I've got one coming up, and I'll make sure don't make the same mistake all over again.

I've done stuff like this more than once, and when the girls stopped talking to me afterwards, for some reason, this never came to me. I always figured I didn't persist hard enough and they ended up thinking I was all talk. This girl, the one I took more interest in than all the rest taught me a lesson I'll never forget by having it in her to tell it to me truthfully.

Though I hate to say it took losing someone I made a great connection with to open my eyes and begin asking for advice on the subject, it is what it is. Light, Franco, you guys and her are going to save me countless good relations in the future.

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

I'll have to thank her too at some point, but I'll have to wait for things to calm down a bit.