FR Why a girl BLOCK you after a good interaction

[lux7]

After years of dating, thousands of interactions and a passion for psychology and human beings I'm still lost on certain behaviors.

Here's the quick story:

I meet her at a parade, she's standing alone.
She's looking for a friend but he isn't there, quick chat and I tell her to go get a beer somewhere, she accepts (PLUS).

She has a long distance BF (MINUS)

We find a stall for a beer -I pay but let her chip in the coins above the 5 EUR mark- (NEUTRAL)

We have good albeit not great chat about her life and make some men/dating talk as the parade swirls around us and she says I'm cool (SLIGHT PLUS).

After a high point she agrees to exchange contact to maybe meet up one day (PLUS).

After a while it starts raining and we cozy up under her umbrella as I don't have one (PLUS).

I kinda of move her and decide where / when during the interaction (PLUS)

She's not drunk but starts feeling sick and kneels down to puke. I'm sorry for her and she can associate me with a negative experience (MINUS).

It starts raining super hard and we get more and more wet, not fun anymore (MINUS)

I convince her to move to the bus stop where she can go to a friend's place taking charge of moving us from a dead end situation (SLIGHT PLUS).

I'm nearby and tell her she can come over to get dry, rest and call a taxi (caring invite for her feeling sick) but she prefers going to her friend(MINUS).

Still under a heavy rain I turn right for my place and she goes to the bus stop. I say I can't hug her as I'm too wet and shake her hand saying I'll text her.

One or two hours later I text her "survived the deluge?"

No reply and the day after she blocks me.


The BF thing and bad experience association seem the two only "heavy" bits here, but neither sounded me as deep enough to warrant a block.

Anyone got any perspective here?

 

[Anaar]

This is one of those experiences where it's really impossible to know why it ended. It may not have been anything you did at all. She could have been embarrassed that she puked in front of you and just wanted to put the experience behind her. She could have gotten a call from her boyfriend and started feeling guilty about being attracted to you, and blocked you to make sure she didn't stray. Just because you think of blocking as being relatively harsh, keep in mind she might not think of it that way. She might block people for minor reasons all the time. Whenever something like this happens to me I remind myself to accept that certain things other people do I can't and won't ever understand.

 

[lux7]

True man, thank you for weighing in.

What really bothered me was not just and not much that she was pretty, but hell, I was helping and cool with helping more without possibly even making a move.

I guess sometime it just hurts to get that treatment and you're looking for a "reason" which would somewhat make sense and take the weight off of you.
But like you say, you'll never get to the bottom of it.

 

[Anaar]

After what you just said, I'm more interested in your psychology than hers. Why were you so hurt when she blocked you after only just meeting, and after spending only a short time together? Why do you feel entitled to her wanting to see you again after you helped her?

Try to understand what made you so attached to this woman in such a short time. There is something in psychology called the "Florence Nightingale effect" where a caregiver develops sexual/romantic feelings for a patient, even if their interaction only comprises what one would expect in a professional medical care relationship. Could you be affected?

My initial reaction to your being "really bothered," "hurt," and "cool with helping more without possibly making a move" is that these are things a nice guy would say, but you're too experienced in game to be called a nice guy. Understanding your own psychology will help you grow more than understanding why she blocked you.

 

[lux7]

WOW, what an answer! I had never heard about that effect.

That's not the case though, I wasn't necessarily gonna make a move if she kept being sick. If she bounced back quickly, fair game.
It's like if a girl is so drunk she can't walk straight anymore and you bring her home.
Would you make a move on her? I'd probably let her pass out on the couch and eventually make a move the morning after or when you meet once again if you'll have the chance.
I don't do anything crazy, but if someone around me is in need and I can do something I help. I'd do it for you too if we were talking and you started having, say, appendicitis .

Here's what I think is at play

1. No drives irrational stalking behavior
some men (many?) have stalking tendencies. People want what they can't have: that's true for everyone. But it's more true true for some men, and I believe that's what drives stalkers even more than "neediness" and "scarcity", which are only aggravating factors.
I have multiple sexual partners and still get those stalking tendencies after a no. Never on a critical level and less and less now, but they're not (yet) at 0.
Thoughts on this?

2. Inhuman behavior is the only thing I can't stand
Inhuman, in-compassionate behavior is the only thing I can't stand in people. Blocking someone is akin to saying "you disgust me". There are many situations when blocking is understandable or even called for. But this situation called, in my view of the facts, for a "thank you". "Thank you" would have been "proper" behavior to me. She owed it to me and that's what I would have done to anyone. Nothing would have been negative. Blocking felt... Inhuman as in "unnecessarily mean".

3. A question of semiotics
I used the word "hurt" because it hurt and after reading Brene Brown on vulnerability I make a point of being honest about feelings. Most people, especially guys, would never use that word.
But then the question becomes: how hurt? If broken hearted is 10 and when a girl you don't care about spurns you is 0, this was maybe 3.5-4 (and even for a girl I don't care about, a "block" would still get a 1-2 points in the scale). So it probably sounds worst than it actually is.

 

[Anaar]

You sound more self-aware than most people on here, which is a huge advantage for your present and future success. You are clearly a good-hearted human being.

On your analysis:

1. I too have the stalker instinct, and I think practically all men do do some extent. It's great that you're aware of it and that you're trying to minimize its influence on you. The more I resist the urge to stalk after being rejected, the happier I am. I too am working toward 0, and my goal is to get to the point where it has no meaningful impact on either my emotions or my actions. I'm not there yet.

2. Non-compassionate behavior can be jarring, especially for someone who is highly empathic or raised with very strong emphasis on politeness and consideration of others. It seems like you may be both of these. What's been most successful for me in dealing with bad feelings from people being heartless is to remind myself it has nothing at all to do with me. I have developed the mindset that I'm really not entitled to good treatment by others. This isn't to say that I will take abuse like a doormat--just that I f someone treats me badly, I choose not to associate with them anymore rather than telling them off or taking it personally. So what if you disgust her? If you're not a disgusting person (which is obviously the case) then it is all about her, not you. An example from my life is that I tend to make insecure men very uncomfortable, because I have very strong self-confidence in ways that they don't. I disgust these men because my presence makes them face themselves in ways they don't want to. Some women will treat you with huge disrespect no matter how good and attractive you are if you trigger some uncomfortable self-reflection or past experience. Don't get mad, get compassionate. It's not about you.

3. It's great to see that others in this community see the value of vulnerability. What I said in (2) covers this topic as well.

My most recent breakthroughsh in game have all been about realizing that game is way more about understanding my own psychology than understanding female psychology. This has been a great place to express some of my thoughts I haven't been able to articulate until now, so thank you for poing the original question, and for engaging in such a thoughtful discussion.

 

[lux7]

Impressive to see how similar we are when we find the courage to open up eh? And then you find out how often all those "dark sides" you were afraid to "admit" aren't just yours, but it's most everyone else's too.

I loved your example of making insecure men uncomfortable and the theory of receiving "disgust treatment" being all within themselves.
And you're totally right.

Good convo indeed, thanks Anaar!

 

[Richard]

Two things to put together:

1) Women's wants/needs/desires change as their emotions do.

2) Women backwards rationalize everything AFTER the fact.

Keep in mind you're looking at things through your lens, with your intentions in mind and you know exactly where you were coming from when you tried to help her... but, have you stopped to think about what might have gone on in her head - what her emotions might have been and, vicariously, what she would have backwards rationalized after things went sour?

Women are extremely rational and make their decisions intelligently (contrary to what most people believe) so if she blocks you or deletes you, etc. it's for a logical purpose.

-Richard

 

[Hector Papi Castillo]

Has a boyfriend and is probably only interested in sex since the romanticism isn't quite there, given the circumstances. You didn't fuck her. So, for her, you have no more value. Plus, as Richard says, she backwards rationalizes and wants to "erase" the interaction from existence by blocking you.

Hector