Why Are People Less Talkative Around Me

[Jack Swave]

I've noticed that no matter what I do or how I behave I've always been the one to put forth 80% of the effort in conversations. I ask open ended questions, I tell stories and relate to others.

I deep dive and listen. Yet no one has ever shown interest in really getting to know me. I could tell you what my friends favourite colour is but if you asked them, they wouldn't know. I've always been the " friend " that my friends couldn't answer a questionnaire to save their lives. They don't know much about me apart from simple stuff. I don't know if it's me alone but seduction can be quite a lonely life at times.

Even when I text my male friends, I end up ALWAYS using 3 times the amount of words they use. No matter if I ask a question. And when I do try to make one word texts I get back the same or even a abbreviation of the word.



Yet those same friends seem excited to deep dive their other friends and listen to them. Even if the other person is different they respect that. When people meet me and I talk about what I like, if they don't like it, I instantly seem like a burden to them. So why don't they do the same to others?


This is a cold world for me usually. Why do my friends seem excited to understand and relate to others except me?

Bubinile

 

[Jack Swave]

It's really hurtful. Thanks for the warm reply Slay

A conversation I had today with my buddy . It went to another painful part for me

Bub : Leak party this Saturday bro

Josh : Yeah

Bub: you still going?

Josh : mhmm

Bub : what's that supposed to mean ?

Josh : I'm going

Bub : ( starting to feel like I'm begging him something even though I'm not) oh and Chad is going too

Josh : oh

Bub : ( trying to remain composed and put less effort ) yeah


And that's when he stopped replying to my text . See I used a statement, asked a question and usually I try to relate to others. Yet I get the same thing.

I put less effort and usually there is a silence then it starts to get awkward. And to be honest I always end up blaming myself for the silence caused .

I sometimes make funny comments and everyone around laughs yet it's like despite me providing the energy and good vibes I still don't feel more valued. It's quite sad at times. I wonder if I'm a weirdo and everyone secretly thinks that. I'm usually the last guy anyone wants to chat up anywhere .

I do my best to be friendly and I get " good reactions " from everyone. You would see me at a party and think I'm the host. Thing is as soon as I put in less effort to match everyone it's like they rather talk to the other person who is even quieter.

The problem is I'm putting out 1000× what I get back . For every friend that talks to me initially I have to start the conversation with 20. And if I don't I usually don't hear from friends in weeks sometimes months, yet they continue to talk to their friends every day

It's quite frustrating. I don't mean to complain guys :/

Bubinile

 

[Smith]

Bub,

Not putting you down, but judging from your conversation (which might be misrepresented) it reminds me of a friend who act very similar to you, and it's kind of annoying...I'm not exactly sure how to describe it, but I think he's just trying too hard, which sounds like what you're doing here. Often times I would avoid a conversation with him because it feels like too much work. Like he'll ask you silly questions that you have just answered a few seconds ago or things that's not even remotely important or he doesn't give you space, and I wish he can just chill out because I can tell he's a really nice guy. So I want you to start focusing on the feelings in your body. What's your breathing like? are you breathing deeply or shallowly? Are you feeling tense in your body? Are you nodding your head too much? Be aware of the vibe you're putting out. Notice the little things you do that subcommunicate you're trying to seek their approval. Learn to give pauses when you talk and talk slower with a calm vibe. If you're talking 80% of the time, then you're probably cutting the other person off without realizing it. This is something I was struggling with, i.e. be comfortable with pausing and knowing when to pause and let the other person invest. Have a conversation for the pure joy of fun. Talk without the need to get feedback, while making the things you say relatable to the other person. Don't be hurt about this man! It's not personal. Stay positive =)

 

[Bete Noire]

Ray and Radeng you mention looking slightly bored at the things people say, never looked surprised to build value. I wonder if you could expand on this a little bit. Just from reading the likes of 'Win Friends and Influence People' and 'Shackletons Way' (My job in the future will involve looootss of management ) I picked up on 'becoming genuinely interested in people' as a rule and begin to heavily engage when people speak to me: showing surprise at cool things they tell me, nodding my head and relating cheerily when I can. I just want to know the pros and cons of an energetic personality and why moving to a much calmer form is better

 

[Bete Noire]

Woah, okay I see what you mean. If you don't have any prior value then you should be acting higher value by ensure that you are not surprised by basic things or too interested in someones day. Your anecdote was a great way of putting it! Thanks

 

[Mr.Rob]

+1 Radeng said

Yeah it sounds like you're trying to hard to be liked. People don't like "needy" energy.

When you're deep diving all these people and trying to keep the energy going what is your reason for doing that? I would assume you're doing it not because you're genuinely interested but because you want everyone to like you. Why do you even care so much?

The "Be Genuinely Interest in People" rule is cool but if the person you're talking to is not a genuinely interesting person then don't spend time trying to build a relationship/acquaintance with them because they will add no value to your life. They are "inferior goods" (based on your value system).

Also if you're putting so much time and effort into these relationships and not getting the same in return why on earth are you still chasing the relationship?

You're probably not going to get along with most of the people that you meet. That's okay I get that and if someone I want to be friends with doesn't think I'm cool then dude I get it. I'll go find people that we both resonate with and go from there.

 

[Drck]

Good replies above.

Try to remove yourself from neediness for friends, and see if you can develop some hobby that you really like and that you get excited about. There is one such great hobby: martial arts.

Also, let's think about it for a second in terms of energy. People like to hang around enthusiastic people. When you look around and observe popular people, they give out lots of positive energy. They talk, share, smile, make others want to hang around them. They make others FEEL good. These people are usually optimistic, they are full of life, they are problem solvers, they are more independent, they move around and spread lots of good energy...

There are also less popular people. When you look you can usually find some negative energy in them, there is not much enthusiasm. They keep to themselves, they don't spread much positive energy, they don't share much. They complain, they find negative things on others. Nothing is working out for them. In stead of giving out positive energy they rather hang around others, trying to get the energy from others...


So it's really not what you say, it is how you make other people feel. Learn to make other people feel good about themselves without trying too hard, and at the same time remove the need to "hang around" friends. Learn to be happy without being around your friends, learn to feel good in your own skin. Once you feel good, once you spread good energy, people will be hanging around you without you even trying...

 

[Jack Swave]

Thanks a whole lot for the awesome replies guys. I will take all your advice into consideration . Sorry I'm not as lengthy a writer as you guys. I tried out a few things and it worked in my favor. Merry Christmas when it comes

Bubinile