Why do women tell me all the worst stuff about themselves?

[Jan]

I realized that women tend to tell me all the worst stuff from their life. They do this very early on, either on our first or second date, Some women told me all the diseases they've gone through, visits to mental hospital, that her father would hit her when she was young, that she used to date a drug addict and had a child with him which she had to abort.

Why do they do this? Sometimes I feel like they want to scare me, kind of like a self-sabotage on their side. Or is it just being their way of showing vulnerability?

What is it about me, what kind of vibe makes them act this way?

 

[trashKENNUT]

No one knows really.

It reminds me of that @Chase post on how your mental operates.
Anyway, Here's my context from guys here in Asia. (IMPT: One person point of view)

Principle: Zero Pain (Don't give up sex)

Females talk about Holiday, Education = Future State
Females talk about getting food, shopping, doing things together, skating together = Current State
Females talk about their cat die, their dog die, their lego city got nuked by a cat = Past State

The essence is still the same. Continuity (or business continuity or Causality). Thus weird conversations.

TLDR: Screen, Ask for Compliance. You are asking a scientific question. I don't want to tell you that there's enough number of "broken" women out there due to our structure and society.

z@c+

 

[ulrich]

It’s definitely the kind of women you are dating to begin with.

I was discussing this with a friend of mine that is going through something similar with a girl he really likes and we reached the conclusion that these girls are giving you an easy way out.
Probably they feel that you are a little above their leagues but still attainable so they are giving you an excuse to run away… if you so choose.

If you decide to run, then it’s OK because you weren’t going to stay once you really got to know her.
If you decide to stay, then it’s great because you are already aware of her shortcomings.
She is setting up a win big or get out situation for herself.

My take on this:
First, you are doing a couple of things right - that is setting yourself as someone who is open-minded and attainable. This is something great.

But second, while these girls see you as high value, they are still seeing you as relatively replaceable. You could probably work on being even more valuable/unique so they feel you are one in a million.

Nevertheless, I think a big part of this is the kind of women you’re meeting. Sounds like these girls are a little jaded and are currently in a phase of their life where they are saying “take me with all my defects or get out”.
They may be good for ONS but probably you would have more satisfying relationships with girls with less experience (still naive and hopeful) or more experience (more mature, past the jaded phase).

 

[Will_V]

This is friendzone 100%, this is exactly what orbiters listen to all day thinking they might get some down the track. You are likely too comfortable and soft, time to turn up the pressure. Also check your presentation, are you an edgy looking guy or just look 'nice'?

If she persists, just manhandle the conversation to something more exciting, lead toward sexual things, it's not politeness that makes the girls all wet.

 

[happynanako]

May I know what age group do they belong to?
It might be because they reached a certain age and am too lazy to go through the filtering process that they decided to "Show Hand" and see if you would continue to go out with them or not.

This is definitely not friendzone as indicated. If a girl feels that she trusts you, she would share her problems with you. What do you expect lovers to be?

 

[Jan]

May I know what age group do they belong to?
It might be because they reached a certain age and am too lazy to go through the filtering process that they decided to "Show Hand" and see if you would continue to go out with them or not.

This is definitely not friendzone as indicated. If a girl feels that she trusts you, she would share her problems with you. What do you expect lovers to be?

They are of different age, 28, 34, 49

 

[Jan]

This is friendzone 100%, this is exactly what orbiters listen to all day thinking they might get some down the track. You are likely too comfortable and soft, time to turn up the pressure. Also check your presentation, are you an edgy looking guy or just look 'nice'?

If she persists, just manhandle the conversation to something more exciting, lead toward sexual things, it's not politeness that makes the girls all wet.

Dude, I banged all of them and you have no idea what you are talking about. I recommend you delete your reply to not confuse other people who may take your "advice" as having some merit

 

[Will_V]

Dude, I banged all of them and you have no idea what you are talking about. I recommend you delete your reply to not confuse other people who may take your "advice" as having some merit

Oh my bad dude, I thought the context was that things weren't working out. Didn't realize this was just a 'why does it happen?' question.

I'll leave my comment there, because in my experience, allowing a woman to talk about problems too much (rather than deep diving about what kind of person she is) kills the sexual tension. I must admit I haven't had girls unload the really dirty laundry on me right away, but when she's started off telling me about problems/drama in her life, or just projecting anxiety generally, it hasn't worked out for me. Who knows, maybe it's just these girls don't vibe with me. And I've found that happens more when I'm not leading with my presentation and conversation skills.

Anyways, if you really think my post doesn't belong in your thread, feel free to ask the mods to remove it.

 

[Alpha13SC]

Dude, I banged all of them and you have no idea what you are talking about. I recommend you delete your reply to not confuse other people who may take your "advice" as having some merit

I think it's not all black and white. I don't say @Will_V is nor right, nor wrong. Because it also happened to me that a few girls told me about some of their problems, but they looked at me like someone they admire and I fucked them, and I remember one particulary girl who started literally complaining over text, and we didn't even met.

My oppinion: It must have a context. Do you feel confident around them and act like one? Or you're not feeling it? I would ask this questions before the 1st sex.

All I can say is that this is putting the mood off and if it sounds like self esteem problems, then this might require another approach, in case she is the main.

 

[Will_V]

I think it's not all black and white. I don't say @Will_V is nor right, nor wrong. Because it also happened to me that a few girls told me about some of their problems, but they looked at me like someone they admire and I fucked them, and I remember one particulary girl who started literally complaining over text, and we didn't even met.

My oppinion: It must have a context. Do you feel confident around them and act like one? Or you're not feeling it? I would ask this questions before the 1st sex.

All I can say is that this is putting the mood off and if it sounds like self esteem problems, then this might require another approach, in case she is the main.

Yeah it's definitely not black and white, sexual emotion isn't always happy. I took a girl home one night after we touched on (amongst many passionate subjects) her parents divorce, but it wasn't complaining so much as talking about what it made her feel/realize about herself, how it made her feel lonely and become more independent etc.

Also I'm sure there are people with different personalities who just vibe over different things. Personally I vibe with girls who are looking toward the future and self-realization, I guess that's part of what makes me become excited about a girl, and maybe she can feel that - and the girls who want to talk about things that I don't, can probably sense the disconnect as well.

I did misread the question too, like I said I thought this was an issue with getting girls home. I should have been a bit more careful to not make assumptions.

 

[foggy]

@Jan, i can tell you whats going on but i need you to answer a couple questions for me.

are these girls randomly bringing up these personal topics on their own out of the blue? or, are you deep diving them and it ends up with them telling you these things?

and what typically happens next after they tell you the worst stuff about themselves? like do you find them getting horny, and then you go home and sleep with them shortly after.

 

[Jan]

@Jan, i can tell you whats going on but i need you to answer a couple questions for me.

are these girls randomly bringing up these personal topics on their own out of the blue? or, are you deep diving them and it ends up with them telling you these things?

and what typically happens next after they tell you the worst stuff about themselves? like do you find them getting horny, and then you go home and sleep with them shortly after.

They seem to bring these topics randomly. I would say they bring these topics even BEFORE I start deep diving them.

Usually, these topics bring my vibe down, and UNHORNY me I usually continue on a date as usual. Usually, I wouldn't bang her on the same day, but on the next one.

 

[foggy]

They seem to bring these topics randomly. I would say they bring these topics even BEFORE I start deep diving them.

um hmmmm.

BEFORE you start deep diving them? that means something.

so check this out. theres been girls from my past who did the same thing to me. they randomly started telling me super personal stuff, without me initiating it.

and just like you, i thought.....why are they opening up so deep, so quickly?

then i realized there was a common theme amongst all these girls. they were all ready to have sex with me, but....there was something holding them back: they needed a bit extra connection with me to make it feel right to them.

so they took matters into their own hands and removed their own barriers to sex. they started revealing deeply personal aspects of their lives, which made them feel connected to me in the fastest possible way.

and when i showed them i understood, and provided support......things snowballed into sex quite quickly

 

[Jan]

um hmmmm.

BEFORE you start deep diving them? that means something.

so check this out. theres been girls from my past who did the same thing to me. they randomly started telling me super personal stuff, without me initiating it.

and just like you, i thought.....why are they opening up so deep, so quickly?

then i realized there was a common theme amongst all these girls. they were all ready to have sex with me, but....there was something holding them back: they needed a bit extra connection with me to make it feel right to them.

so they took matters into their own hands and removed their own barriers to sex. they started revealing deeply personal aspects of their lives, which made them feel connected to me in the fastest possible way.

and when i showed them i understood, and provided support......things snowballed into sex quite quickly

this makes a lot of sense, thank you

 

[Jan]

Oh my bad dude, I thought the context was that things weren't working out. Didn't realize this was just a 'why does it happen?' question.

I'll leave my comment there, because in my experience, allowing a woman to talk about problems too much (rather than deep diving about what kind of person she is) kills the sexual tension. I must admit I haven't had girls unload the really dirty laundry on me right away, but when she's started off telling me about problems/drama in her life, or just projecting anxiety generally, it hasn't worked out for me. Who knows, maybe it's just these girls don't vibe with me. And I've found that happens more when I'm not leading with my presentation and conversation skills.

Anyways, if you really think my post doesn't belong in your thread, feel free to ask the mods to remove it.

Ok, no worries. Sorry for coming so strongly. I got angry recently because I came to conclusion that people give advice on Internet too fast and with too much conviction too early in situations when they should be more like, IMHO, "it could be that" etc

Anyway, sorry if I was too harsh

 

[Chase]

Good input from @fog. That gels with my experience too.

Early on with girls who did this with me, I would push through my distaste over it and bring the girl home at the end of the date, and a lot of them were ready to go to bed at the end of Date #1.

Past a certain point I got tired of listening to major problems and if a girl has had these and starts unloading them on me I just rule her out. I will still have a nice conversation with her as a fellow human being, but it’s enough of a turnoff I won’t pull. About half the time these girls will message you later wondering why they haven’t heard from you; the other half, if you never message them again, they never message you.

When I’ve looked at why this happens… partly I think it is because when you come across accepting enough that a woman feels she can just tell you anything. And self-disclosure boosts trust! So if you are also building arousal with her and getting her to comply, she is seducing herself as she tells you all these awful things about herself.

Another part of it is I think these tend to be more women who are not as socially aware. I can tell with girls who are more socially aware, even if they trust me a lot, if I probe into their pasts, there is some hesitation about telling me things they feel might bring the mood down. Not so some girls. Some girls will just plow into unloading on you and feel great for doing so then want to jump in the sack. Then act surprised/disheartened when you do not.

I don’t know what’s happening on the other dates these girls go on. Do they unload their problems on guys, and the guys comfort them, and then they both get really turned on from all the intimacy and shag? I guess?

I wonder about that sometimes…

Chase