Long-Term Why is my GF's intermittent tinder date bothering me?

Thomas_ac

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Jan 31, 2016
Messages
11
Background:
We've been on the rocks for a while. We decided to end things in February. I wanted a threesome. Partly because I just want one with my girlfriend and partly for some of her fuck-ups(in my opinion). My guess - she was mostly against it because then she would have to admit the fuck-ups. And then there was another girl I was interested in(hence less problem for me for breaking up). I started having fun with the other girl right after the break-up.

Fast-forward to March. We start talking again and having sex with my GF. I also go out with the other girl(serious, not just sex. She is genuinely nice. To everyone.) GF obviously not liking it. I'm still open about the fact that I want a threesome(probably a little too direct and assertive). I thought I was pretty clear that once I get what I want then she get's all of me for herself. She breaks at the end of June and says she can't do it any longer.

We start talking again in August. My initiative. I say I'm sorry(with flowers and candy) about the other girl. Not to get her back but just to get it off my chest and move on with my life. She comes at me a few days later with an apology about all the earlier shit she has pulled on me and says she wants to try work it out. Ok, let's try it one last time.

We're honest(I'm pretty certain of that). She slept with a friend in June(feels like we were dating that time), kissed a guy in a bar and went on a Tinder date just to get laid. Tinder guy was foreigner and not her type at all. But he was just really handsome/hot and she wanted to fuck. No emotions, just a pretty guy. They kissed, he licked, she sucked. The only reason intercourse didn't happen - he refused a condom. Otherwise they would have fucked, she said. Obviously.
I spent a fun summer with the other girl. Had a petting/kissing thing with 2nd hot friend. And accidentally met yet another female(3rd) friend on town square who invited me for coffee, I fixed her leaking shower and we fucked like crazy(such a german porn plot, we had a laugh about it:))

Now, it bothers my GF that I had an emotional relationship with that one girl. 2nd and 3rd don't bother her. In fact she is willing to have a threesome with 3rd(the leaking shower) girl. I understand her and are willing to put some effort into making her bad feelings go away.
I'm OK with her having sex with her friend while we're dating. He is hot, fun and they have crazy strong physical pull. I'm OK with that because I can see myself doing the same with a hot friend.
I'm OK with her kissing a guy in a bar when we are not technically dating but recently broken up and already talking again.
But for some reason it bothers the shit out of me that she used Tinder to find sex with a physically hot guy and still wanted to fuck him despite him being not even neutral but little repulsive as a person(guy wouldn't stop talking about himself).

I don't have problems with girls using Tinder when they are single AF. I don't have problem with girls who sleep around a lot. I can see myself dating one assuming she cares for me in every way. I can even let her have her flings if lets me have mine.

But why does this situation make me feel like from my side the similar thing would have been paying for the prettiest hooker?

Thank You in advance for reading this 140+ characters and replying!
 

Cody Lyans

Tribal Elder
Tribal Elder
Joined
Mar 8, 2019
Messages
91
It's how you are framing it. You are thinking she PURSUED him and invested. Truth is it was EASY FOR HER. She just didn't reject the guy cuz she was horny. Think of it like you are on your couch and a girl walks in in a bikini and starts sighing. "omg there are no guys I like" and she sighs again then sits by you. Do you say no while horny or care about personality. Probably not. Neither are you that invested so the gf is thinking like that.

That's why it was only oral.
Cuz at any roadblocks she was like fuck it, I am too indifferent.

So yeah. Don't think tinder for them is like for us. It's literally just lazy hookups for girls. Dw it is normal
 

Hector Papi Castillo

Tribal Elder
Tribal Elder
Joined
Dec 2, 2013
Messages
2,538
We start talking again in August. My initiative. I say I'm sorry(with flowers and candy) about the other girl.
Woah. No. Nope. Nope.

Super bad.

You should never say sorry about another girl, especially given that you two were on-and-off. You apologizing to her means you were WRONG. Sleeping with another women when you're not even together is not WRONG. Therefore, there's nothing to apologize for.

Sure, it hurts her feelings. That's obvious.

But so?

She ended it with you.

And it got this bad because of how you handled the earlier stuff.

Partly because I just want one with my girlfriend and partly for some of her fuck-ups(in my opinion)
What fuck-ups? And if your motivations are even partly as revenge against her, shes going to feel that in how you frame a threesome. She'll see the malice in your eyes and voice at the prospect of you, essentially, cucking her (she has to watch you fuck another girl), rather than a 3-some experience where she enjoys it for many different reasons and you are the king who has all the women he wants but still stays with his queen (how you're supposed to frame it).

Essentially, you brought all of this upon yourself.

And, again, what fuck-ups? What behavior would deem you getting a revenge 3-some a fair sentence?

She slept with a friend in June(feels like we were dating that time)
Your friend or her friend?

No emotions, just a pretty guy. They kissed, he licked, she sucked. The only reason intercourse didn't happen - he refused a condom. Otherwise they would have fucked, she said. Obviously.
Eh. I'd give this a high chance of being bullshit to soothe your reaction. "Oh I just sucked his dick..he didn't fuck me." Not really comforting in general, but still probably a lie.

Now, it bothers my GF that I had an emotional relationship with that one girl.
It's made worse because you apologized for it. Even if you do something fucked up in a relationship (like cheat), it will literally HURT to apologize for it. At most you would just say "Hey babe, I didn't intend for it to hurt you, but I'm a horny guy and need new pussy. It doesn't change how I feel about you, but that's the kind of man I am" and then tell her you're going to continue to do it and she can stay or leave (of course you frame it properly).

Apologizing is submission and women DESPISE submission (and proof of this is her continued fixation on it happening, despite your apology. Had you not apologized and she brings it up again, you can laid down the law and be like "look, it happened. You accepted to keep dating me. I don't feel good that it hurts you, but we need to move beyond it).

You're misunderstanding "equality" in the sexual relationship (that you two operate on equal moral grounds) as you guys literally abiding by the same rules.

Equality is not sameness.

And the particular disparity in feminine/masculine roles that most attracts a woman is when the man is "traditionally" masculine. He does what he wants and, while he cares about his girl, he is a walking sun and others orbit around him, not vice-versa. You are allowing her too much control over you.

But for some reason it bothers the shit out of me that she used Tinder to find sex with a physically hot guy and still wanted to fuck him despite him being not even neutral but little repulsive as a person(guy wouldn't stop talking about himself).
Well, you can't dictate her sex life. You've given up control of it, as you seem to be in favor of this open relationship. that's fine, do what you wish in your life, but you can't have it both ways.

Either she is your "property" (in terms of sexuality loyalty) and she only fucks you or she is free to do what she wants.

Any attempt to mix and match will fail, because you come from a frame of lack of control.

You think he's a raging narcissist?

Well, she LOVES that.

And you either need to accept it and deal with your insecurities/fears/anxieties or change the rules of the game (close the relationship or walk away).

Papi
 
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