Woops, I weirded her out

[mountaingoat]

Hoping I can keep my intro short; I am very verbose:
I found this site a few months ago when I suddenly realized this girl in my class was of interest and wanted to ask her out very soon. My confidence rose and I just needed a few pointers. I think I got what I wanted from here, but she ultimately didnt pan out (longer story Ill save for later). So, I had to get over her and all that and I did, and was all hopeless and such, with daily mood swings. This post is not about her. We are still friendly, altho I dont talk to her much anymore (it hurts).

In any case, a few days ago, I met a girl on a political-oriented facebook page and hovered over her name and saw she went to my college and had mutual friends, one I knew from high school. So, I thought "oh cool a girl with similar views" not even really thinking about her sexually. My political club struggles to get women to join. They are out there, but for some reason we have failed to get any to come. That said, we struggle to get guys to come too, which is terrible in a school of 30,000. So that was my intention to connect with her as a friend. But naturally, instincts kick in. I messaged a friend and said "I really wish I wasnt single, then I wouldnt see every girl with the same views as potential." I could be nonchalant and friendly, and she would be like my other female friends.

Previously, Ive been in a few situations like this and didnt message the girl, thinking it just wouldnt work out and one conversation on a page was not grounds to friend someone. But if I dont try, I dont know. So I went and messaged her in a friendly way, threw in a happy face, and all that. She replied back in kind with a happy face of her own. Score! (even as a friend) But then I went and screwed it up. I complimented her (which a female friend said was fine) and continued the conversation and then mentioned that we should maybe meet up in September. I cant remember what I was thinking at the time. Yea she was attractive, but I knew the risks, and wanted to approach her as a friend. I dont want to guess what I was thinking, so I cant say much.

She never replied. For better or worse, facebook has that "seen at blah blah PM" thing now, and she saw it. At first I figured she was busy, but I came home from work and saw she still hadnt replied, then I realized I screwed up royally.

I accept that she is a lost cause now. Thats not the issue. I barely met her, barely made any connection. Theres a million more out there. There must be hundreds like her at my college alone. But it has been over two days and I cant get over the fact that I weirded her out. I havent done that to a girl in a good five years or so, and those are bad memories. They still wont talk to me and Ive finally had to accept that. I have social anxiety...sometimes. It comes and goes and I am less awkward than I was five plus years ago (thank god). So when stuff like this happens, its one of my worst fears, and apparently many guys fears. This is why I very very rarely compliment girls, or make any physical contact with them. I dont want them to be freaked out, and I overreact, and well, we see what happens. In fact, not complimenting or showing any interest at all is probably what caused the first girl I mentioned to ultimately reject me. I had a lot to go on, but I never said anything because I was scared she would respond like this girl, or worse. And we were friendly!

Anyway, my issue is mainly, how do I get over feeling like absolute crap? Everyone offers the same old "plenty of fish" "get over it" advice, but that doesnt help me now. What do I do to not feel like this? It really has affected me a lot and many emotions have run thru my head. Before this, I recently overcame some situational depression caused by a number of life events and now consider myself happy, thanks to that first girl I mentioned, but not content. One bright side to this is that it took my mind completely off the previous girl.

On a side note, is there any way to win her back...as a friend, or as potentially more? I can accept it if the answer is no, but I would like to know from more experienced people if I can reapproach her in a month or two, or to just put her behind me.

Thanks for any help.

 

[Geebs]

I'm no pro. Far from it. But your post reminded me of the situation described here:

https://www.girlschase.com/content/what- ... -text-back

It might not be texting, but I think the same general principal applies.

edit: Also, september is far away, she may not have seen it as a request for a specific date or get together, but just a general comment and didn't think it warranted an answer just yet as making plans 2 months in advance seems strange.... *shrug*

 

[mountaingoat]

Yea, but she still could have responded to the other stuff I said in the message. She clearly was put off by it.

 

[Richard]

Mountaingoat, nothing to be ashamed of and nothing be depressed about man. As a beginner or even an intermediate, and even as a social veteran Facebook is a killer, and even the best artists like Chase still have a hard time getting a girl on Facebook. Facebook has alot of problems my friend! alot! It lacks a face to face connection, no physicality meaning no touching of any kind (which is a big factor in talking to women), you can't properly convey emotion, and it's meant to be a social networking site, not a dating site, so trying to establish a connection with a girl on Facebook is thwarted by the media around her, and the number of other guys hitting on her to no avail as well. Facebook is a monster that I no longer deal with =)
It is entirely possible to get her back, seeing as how the two of you attend the same college, I recommend a face to face direct opening, chances are she's not going to remember the messages you sent and you should be able to start over face to face. And, if she does remember the messages, physical conversation will allow you to show her who you are in person not over the web.
Your depression. Luckily, I'm majoring in psych, specifically therapy, and have had to deal with alot of depressed friends ranging from mild depression to suicidal thoughts. And yours seems to stem from your lack of success with women you want, entirely natural! The best way to overcome this specific brand of depression is to open more women up, and talk to everyone in general. When you talk to anyone in your life, find a reason to compliment that person, give them a reason to smile, and you'll find yourself happy for your unselfish deeds.
Depression in general is actually pretty easy to overcome, and I recommend the following:
-Surround yourself with people with positive vibes, not people with negative mindsets
-Renew your interest in hobbies, or join a new club/hobby
-Practice yoga, or any exercise of the sort (meditation, yoga, etc). What yoga does is it allows your brain to release norepinephrine which increases arousal and boosts mood, and is lacking in depression.
-Keep a diary and write down how you feel (the act of expressing your emotion allows you to release alot of it)
-If need be, write a post about it on this forum, not sharing information leads to a build up of negative emotion, allowing the depression to manifest further, releasing it helps long-term
-However, the most important thing is too surround yourself with people who will motivate you to move forward, a friend saying "Let's go for a walk" is something so small yet, it helps majorly to kill depression.

 

[Anonymous]

Wow man I definitely understand how you feel when it comes to physical contact with women and not wanting to weird them out. I am very prideful and I hate to be embarrassed in any kind of way especially with women. About six months ago I was coming out of a three year exclusive relationship so dating was so new to me (btw I just turned 20). I just didn't know how to interact with women anymore, and I couldn't even hug a girl. It was pretty pathetic, but I started looking more into this site and realizing just how important physical contact is. There's just no getting around it. I am still learning myself how to get better with physical contact but what you have to understand is that you gotta take baby steps with yourself. If you're not comfortable with yourself touching women then they will sense it and not be comfortable with you. I'm sure you already know all that but typing this out is also helping me too lol.

What I learned how to do (still working on it but I think it's working) is find ways to make subtle contacts with women. I once tried to be overtly physical and it was just really really bad. I didn't know what the hell I was doing but the problem was that I was making too much of a dramatic change of myself. I didn't understand that this was going to take some time, but I digress so back to the subtlety thing.

Something that I've found that is working to a degree is that I'll show a girl something on my phone that is interesting but I'll make sure that we're close together and brushing up against each other a little bit. Also a girl might try to hold your phone while you do it and at that time your fingers can touch. It's a bit analytical but I make a not that each time me and a particular girl touch in some kind of way, be it small or big, we're getting closer and it's helped me build up some confidence. I tried this subtlety thing in the beginning of my interactions with one girl a couple weeks ago and we actually ended up having sex. It's a nice way to give yourself some time to be comfortable making physical contact while also not coming of as creepy or weird. I hope this helps you and good luck!

 

[Richard]

King, its nice to see the progress, keep it up! Sounds like you've invented a little trick for yourself that works, little things like that will go a long way, its all about creating your own style of game, and it sounds like you're off to a great start!

 

[Flames]

I know where your coming from on the social anxiety, but one of the problems is over reacting. I sent my current one-itis a facebook message over 8 months ago, and she never replied, and also has never even mentioned it when Ive seen her.

Should I be worried/offended? Absolutely.... Not.

The problem with social anxiety is that you tend to project feelings, in fact a lot of people do this. What this means is instead of basing how she feels about you on the way she acts (in person), you base it it on your feeling in yourself. Yeah ok she didn't reply, but trust me it means absolutely nothing and most importantly you must believe that it means nothing. There is not a situation in the world you can't come back from, women are incredibly forgiving, just give them a bit of space, when you fuck up.

That being said, dont ever setup a 'date' so far into the future. It projects all kinds of wrong. Much better to wait till September and invite her out then. Also never just make a move on 1 girl, always have a plan b,c,d.... Sometimes the side plans will surprise you with the results.

With the social anxiety, the only thing that worked for me was getting a 'social' job and a few good people that dragged me out of my shell. I'm not 100% yet but I'm not far off, and the bad days are few and far between.

 

[mountaingoat]

Well, I have an update. She did accept my friend request and acted like nothing out of the ordinary occurred. We went back to messaging and it turns out she is not into guys! LOL oh well!

I think a day or two after I posted this, my mood improved, and I am now back on top of my horse, if you will. More to come...

Thanks for the tips!