Would I be better off alone or with someone else?

[Xpander]

How do you know when the girl is right for you or not? I don’t have many relationships in my past for comparison, so I feel confused wether my current relationship is right for me or not. I have been in a relationship with a 23 year old girl for 1 year and 3 months. She is from another country, but currently she is visiting with me for 3 months.

In many ways the relationship is good. She is quite the traditional girl who is caring, loving and loves to cook/nurture. She looks alright, she likes to dress up and she loves sex.

On the other hand I miss some things in her. She does some sports, but I know that she does it only because I want her to. I am a very serious cyclist and therefore weight, health and fitness is very important to me. She is young (23) so she is still "tight", but I notice that she prefers the comfortable couch over training. So I fear that in some years she will not look so fit anymore. I try to motivate her but all my efforts are being met with accusations that I am being pushy and that I don’t love her enough.

It could be that I’m being a bit shallow and picky, because I am very much a sucker for good looks. In my single days you can say that porn was a substitution for real relationships, so this could have affected me. But I know that looks have always been important for me. She looks good when she dresses up and puts the makeup on, but she’s still not a stunner. And me being a bit perfectionistic of nature I catch myself dreaming about a girl who is the complete package. A girl who has the right values, who does sports and loves it, and has naturally very good looks/nice body.

On the other hand, the thought of leaving this relationship scares me. First off, she would be totally devastated and I would feel like a total jerk. Second, the relationship is good in many ways. She makes it very easy for me to stay in it as she does most of the housework, and otherwise try to follow my lead as much as possible. She wants to do the housework, and therefore I can spend more time cycling (which is my huge passion).

I’m 35 years old, but I have a good career and I know I can get girls out there. So I am very much in doubt. It’s just…I want to look at her face and think “mmmm you are so beautiful”, and feel the butterflies in my stomach. But I don’t. Maybe she gave in to easily in the beginning, in fact she almost pushed herself on me. And she shower me with compliments all the time, it could be a bit too much some times.

Because she is from another country the pressure is on to get married so the relationship can evolve from the long distance relationship it is today. Long Distance is very expensive and inconvenient, and we have to marry in order for her to get allowance to stay in my country.
Also she is pushing on me for commitment. She wants to marry, and she also wants babies. And me being a bit on the fence I feel very confused. If I continue the relationship what am I missing out on? Those of you who have been dating the “stunners”, are there many complete packages out there?
Or maybe the kind of girl I have is rare and I should keep her? How should a relationship feel?

 

[ray_zorse]

Ummhh well firstly I can say that it's never a good idea to try to "fix" your girl. Personally I would hate it if my girlfriend hassled me to go to the gym all the time -- I love going to the gym but I have many other priorities and I like to be self-motivated. Umm some would say that having her work on her body on your behalf is a kind of compliance-building and that may be so. But proper leadership is only demanding compliance in things in which she "wants" to comply. A more healthy approach would be to accept your girl for who/what she is, her interests might not align with yours and that's fine. To say "I like this relationship except that she XXX" and then go about trying to change XXX is called codependence, it's rooted in scarcity and isn't a mindset to be encouraged. Mind you, rewarding her doing things you approve of, and providing encouragement and support, is always good.

As to the rest of your question, it was asked and answered very comprehensively in this thread, but the short answer is no-one can decide for you.

In your particular case what you have is a girl who is very sweet and compliant and obviously into you. This should definitely be your minimal standard for relationships. If she isn't sweet and compliant and chasing you hard for commitment and putting a lot of work into the relationship, she is fine as a friend-with-benefits, where you meet regularly for sex, but doesn't qualify as girlfriend material. She should always be chasing a little bit, whereas you should always be expressing your appreciation of the hard work she's putting in to make things tick over and to make your life easier for you.

But, this won't be the default state unless you have lots of options with women (and she knows it). Your behaviour has to reflect the fact that you have lots of options with women -- you don't put up with any drama, you don't act needy or dependent, you don't do things like proposing exclusivity or marriage or moving in together, you let her chase you for that. Training your brain to think this way is hard work and requires you to approach lots of women and get a process down so that if your current girlfriend gets unhappy and leaves, it's no biggie because you can replace her within a finite amount of time with a girl who is just as sweet and compliant and into you.

Anyway, I'm currently in a relationship answering much the same description as yours -- she's younger, sweet, compliant, a sex machine, very into me, an auto investor... buys things for me, cares for me, et cetera... my family and kids love her... after years of codependent relationships I'm really enjoying the nice normality and mutual respect and kindness, plus I have a lot on my plate right now and don't want to spend too much time dating and chasing tail. But I'm not keen to commit long-term and it appears you aren't either. So you can keep things going for as long as it's mutually beneficial, but if it gets dramatic then you may just have to let her go.

This brings me to another issue -- your girl is 23 and wants commitment, marriage and babies, I appreciate there are cultural issues involved (she is probably from a more conservative culture where this is normal), but it does feel kind of young to me. Women are emotional, "all or nothing" creatures, she falls very deeply in love but she's also fickle and she can fall out of love (particularly if you fuck up somewhere down the line and lose your frame). She has a lot of maturing to do, you may well grow apart and/or she could easily use you as a stepping stone to achieve financial and life security before moving on to a partner more suited to her older self.

I would also caution that since visa/immigration issues are involved, she might well have an ulterior motive (whether she admits it to herself or not -- we often see what we want to see). This is probably the case with my current girlfriend too, and it does give me pause for thought. I lost count of the number of friends who married an overseas partner and whose marriage foundered once he/she got citizenship.

Ray

 

[Drck]

Think long term. Generally speaking, whatever bothers you now should be multiplied by say 10x.

She does some sports but only because you want to, she is "still tight"
>>>> This will most likely change once she gets married. She will be doing less, not more. Which means she will be gaining pounds. You know it, you are already implying that this is on your mind.

"with accusations that I am being pushy and that I don’t love her enough"
>>>> She is already starting the blame game. You are the bad one because you want her to live healthy, exercise and eat healthy food. You don't love her enough because you don't want her to get fat while sitting on the couch. It's just brainwashing, and with high likelihood it will continue, no matter what happens in the future, you will be the one who is blamed...

"She looks good WHEN she dresses up and puts the makeup on"
>>>> Dude, you are already having doubts. How does she look to you without being dressed and without make up? Still good? Average? Well, she is young, 23. 10 years from now she will not look as good. 20 years from now, you will be only dreaming about how she looks today... Look at her mom, chances are that she will look quite similar - is she skinny? Does she take care of herself? What is her relationship with her husband, does she respect him, is he 'the man' in charge? Is she still (relatively) decent looking? Chances are high that her daughter - your GF - will follow her foot steps...

"I am very much a sucker for good looks"
>>>> Well, if this is what matters to you, it matters to you. You want good looking and skinny girl, there is nothing wrong with that. Who calls it shallow? On the other hand, personality is more important (IMO) than looks. Looks will fade away, after couple of years, if not months. But who is she as a person? Sometimes it is better to be with 5/10 who's got great personality, than be with 9/10 who is just a shallow person, no person at all...

"I catch myself dreaming about a girl who is the complete package"
>>>> Keep dreaming, there is no such thing (person), you always find something on everybody. On the other hand, there are girls that you "match" with on emotional and mental level much better than with majority of other girls, regardless looks... The only question is, how to find such girl...

"the thought of leaving this relationship scares me. First off, she would be totally devastated and I would feel like a total jerk"
>>>> Can't help you there. On the other hand, when a girl dumps guy, is she devastated and does she feel like jerk? OK, maybe for couple of days, but chances are that she'll drop him like something disposable, without having second thought about it...

"It’s just…I want to look at her face and think “mmmm you are so beautiful”, and feel the butterflies in my stomach. But I don’t"
>>>> Exactly. You don't. You are not in love with this girl, you only feel comfortable, secure. You are not alone. There is nothing wrong with relationship like that at all, you might have good, stable and long term relationship with this girl, and have great family. The thing is, that you will most likely keep dreaming about the other/perfect girl, and should you meet some girl like that in the future - you will hurt this girl even more as she is not what you are exactly looking for...

"Long Distance is very expensive and inconvenient, and we have to marry in order for her to get allowance to stay in my country ... Also she is pushing on me for commitmen"
>>>> Be very very careful here.... She might be in love with you, but she may not. She is young, her plan could be to get married, even have children - and then (if you don't comply with all of her demands) she may divorce you. You have a good job, you have good income... Which means you will be paying and paying - while she will be the hurt one... What will she do when she moves to US? Can she get relatively equal income to yours, or is it clear that you are the one who will be supporting her? That happens too often my friend, I'm not in any way implying that this girl will do that but generally speaking, that's not a coincidence... Girls are very smart, girls are not stupid (unlike many guys)...


Anyway, nobody can nor should tell you what to do, just be careful bro... many many guys get hurt out there just for thinking that they are "in love" with that one great girl...

 

[Xpander]

Thanks both of you. I certainly have some thinking to go through.

 

[Fuck This]

It is known as a "Comfort Trap". It happens with careers and relationships. You wonder if the grass is greener and if it is "worth the hassle " to change.

Truth is when you find some one who is "the One" you don't care if they get fat or stretch marks. I don't get that vibe from your complaints...

 

[Sophisticated Gent]

"I am very much a sucker for good looks"
>>>> Well, if this is what matters to you, it matters to you. You want good looking and skinny girl, there is nothing wrong with that. Who calls it shallow? On the other hand, personality is more important (IMO) than looks. Looks will fade away, after couple of years, if not months. But who is she as a person? Sometimes it is better to be with 5/10 who's got great personality, than be with 9/10 who is just a shallow person, no person at all...

My take on this is a little different than Drck's. Being attracted to particular types of women is an innate thing. It is influence to a certain extent by the media but we are attracted to women by our genetic make-up. The disdain of men liking hot women is driven by women who can't compete physically. Do not for a minute feel guilty about being attracted to hot women. It is in your very nature. As you get older this will not change. Your taste will change but your attraction for beautiful women will not. My old man is 78 and he is still chasing after the young nurses in the nursing home.

Regarding the relationship overall just like Drck and Ray said you have to decide. Drck did a good job of starting you a pluses and minus evaluation of your relationship. Add to it do you want kids?

BDSC

 

[pks391]

When i asked a girl whether she would do gymming with me she refused too. But with a little coddling she said yes she would. She even said she would go n walks and swimming with me. And this is a girl who loves the couch very much. All i said was that I'd hold her hand while walking and I would be her instructor in swimming. She said she'd love to. Maybe you should try doing this. Idk whether it will work but you could try.