Write her or not now? Potentially side chick lose attraction?

[kbr89]

Background
32, been a natural player since young generally i can get laid without to much effort, especially in nightlife situations (clubs, bars) with ONS, but also daygame workplaces, had been almost ever in LTR and many ONS and side chicks here and there, now getting more serius about seflt growht and money, so i dont go anymore to clubs etc.. and im in ltr since 3 years with my main i feel fine but had some temporary side chicks plates here and there.
Summary
Now i have this situation with a hot coworker.. she is a foreign in my country and since i moved in this new company i seen her IOI but didnt make any move couse i was new in company, now after more than six months i started to take coffe with her and she told me that moved from her boyfriend's appartment since some months already and she is sad, and alone bored. I just said if you are bored try to hit a new gym try to do new things and if you want we can hang out sometimes.. she agreed and the frist time i reached her for go out we had a good night drinking and laughing, then she told me her boyfriend have problems and asked her to leave the house couse he is depressed he dont know what he want( im almost sure he is fucking around and dont want her in the house) but she love him and want wait him, and yada yada but she is suffering waiting him. She meet him only on weekends now but before she lived with him for 5 years and then obiviusly when i started to kiss her after the 3 cokctail she agreed and we ended up having sex in my car, after the sex she cryed almost 10 minutes and said she feel guilty for what she done, she never think to do it, then the day after i said " look things happen we are humans we have emotions, things happen for a reason if your boyfriend really love you the things will be fixed in some time and you can come back with him" then she said better we dont reach out each other anymore and just work as normal coworkers.. the day after she reached out for me.. but i was busy.. and then we continued to speak here and there i arranged other meetings with her but she have her shield up " is wrong you have a girlfriend i have a boyfriend etc.." i maked out with her other times but she dont want to have sex anymore, now im ever the frist who reach out if i dont write she never write, and she said me spontaneously i wanted to write you but is wrong and meaningless couse i want to be with him im not a side yada yada...also tryed to wait a week, but when i write she reply fast. Its like i acted needy and she lost attraction.
Objectives
My goal is take her as side chick and have sex and acquaintence with her, but seems difficult couse she have this (fake?)moral barrier and she is dependent by her boyfriend. that threat her as "facade" GF only staing with her in weekends and social situation with his parents and then leave her sharing room in a poor appartment with other girls when he own a big house basically he say that does not know if still love her and some bullshit.. i think i have messed up her attraction for me acting needy when she refused to have sex.
i was overthinking a little bit on that situation but she could be the perfect plate couse we have aquaintance at work also we dont share a team and i like her as a person, also i think his boyfriend is an asshole, i also have side chicks but if i decide to kick out my main chick like this i will tell her the thing is finished and not play people mind so hard, but i dont know him so i dont judge.
Question
Now im in holiday with my main chick in other country and having a good time, her is with her boyfriend at home couse they both dont work but he dont wanted to go holiday, i suddenly stopped from writing her since im in holiday more then a week and generally we speak often and meet once a week ( without sex the lasts date only kisses and touching)
Im asking myself what next step to do for unblock the situation:
-1do nothing for now and when i come back in the city call her meet and escalate again.

-2 pubblish some holiday pics on social or whatsapp status for make her see what beautifull places i am with my main chick.

- 3 send her some holiday pictures and a low investment message" kisses from Countryx hope you are enjoing your free days!

- 4 suggestion from you that are more expert..

Now option 2 and 3 are for make her think about me and make her feel that kind of "jelousy" she know that my main is hotter then her, but maybe i should let her go..
Im also thinking that is silly to suddenly stop to write for to much time.
I already have set dates with other girls, but
would like to understand where i fault or missed something, considering the fact that we had sex once.

 

[kbr89]

Up, anyone?

 

[Will_V]

Sounds to me like you just happened to be the right guy at the right time for her to get a release from all the frustration she had with her boyfriend.

When a guy is hot and cold like her boyfriend is, giving her emotional rollercoasters in a situation where she obviously has feelings for him, it's going to be hard for you to establish a new relationship. What you definitely do not want to be doing is being the 'nice guy' and accommodating her and sending her kisses and wishing her well from afar, because in the state she's in that'll flatline her emotions for you while making her boyfriend seem way more exciting - you'll be her safe sexless validation while she sorts things with him in the bedroom.

It's one of those situations that may just be one and done, and it's risky to continue when she's a coworker since if she regrets what happened (or happens) she may end up getting vindictive to make herself feel better about it.

If you want to continue my suggestion would be to play into the excitement she has for doing things on her own terms and rebelling from him, by framing yourself as a way for her to be true to herself and give herself the pleasure she deserves. Why did she do it in the first place? Remind her of it and validate it.

Proceed at your own peril, the dude sounds like he's treating her badly but when a girl is emotionally tangled like that you never know exactly which way she'll end up jumping. I wouldn't be looking at her as a stable side chick at all, for that reason and because she's your coworker.

 

[kbr89]

Sounds to me like you just happened to be the right guy at the right time for her to get a release from all the frustration she had with her boyfriend.

When a guy is hot and cold like her boyfriend is, giving her emotional rollercoasters in a situation where she obviously has feelings for him, it's going to be hard for you to establish a new relationship. What you definitely do not want to be doing is being the 'nice guy' and accommodating her and sending her kisses and wishing her well from afar, because in the state she's in that'll flatline her emotions for you while making her boyfriend seem way more exciting - you'll be her safe sexless validation while she sorts things with him in the bedroom.

It's one of those situations that may just be one and done, and it's risky to continue when she's a coworker since if she regrets what happened (or happens) she may end up getting vindictive to make herself feel better about it.

If you want to continue my suggestion would be to play into the excitement she has for doing things on her own terms and rebelling from him, by framing yourself as a way for her to be true to herself and give herself the pleasure she deserves. Why did she do it in the first place? Remind her of it and validate it.

Proceed at your own peril, the dude sounds like he's treating her badly but when a girl is emotionally tangled like that you never know exactly which way she'll end up jumping. I wouldn't be looking at her as a stable side chick at all, for that reason and because she's your coworker.

First of all, thank you. Yes, I'm also thinking it wouldn't make much sense to send her a reassuring message now that I'm far away. My goal was to trigger that feeling of envy/jealousy, perhaps I could just post some photos as a WhatsApp status (we don't follow each other on social media). What do you think about posting photos? I wouldn't want it to look deliberate.
As for her boyfriend, I think he is psychologically tormenting her, but not sexually. She told me that he finds excuses and refuses sex or they stick to oral sex in the last months he dont have libido.
She wanted to build a family with him, and I believe he is wealthy and leads a very comfortable life.
And yes, I definitely should play on those emotions and be less of a "nice guy". But what holds me back is the fact that we work together (even if not in direct contact), so I can't use the "asshole mode" which would lead to an emotional rollercoaster. I'd say she seems attracted to me, but seems very restrained due to her morals concerning infidelity. Chase had written something about last-minute objections in bed, I don't know, I should work on that but maintain a good relationship, considering we work together, what do you think?

 

[Will_V]

First of all, thank you. Yes, I'm also thinking it wouldn't make much sense to send her a reassuring message now that I'm far away. My goal was to trigger that feeling of envy/jealousy, perhaps I could just post some photos as a WhatsApp status (we don't follow each other on social media). What do you think about posting photos? I wouldn't want it to look deliberate.
As for her boyfriend, I think he is psychologically tormenting her, but not sexually. She told me that he finds excuses and refuses sex or they stick to oral sex in the last months he dont have libido.
She wanted to build a family with him, and I believe he is wealthy and leads a very comfortable life.
And yes, I definitely should play on those emotions and be less of a "nice guy". But what holds me back is the fact that we work together (even if not in direct contact), so I can't use the "asshole mode" which would lead to an emotional rollercoaster. I'd say she seems attracted to me, but seems very restrained due to her morals concerning infidelity. Chase had written something about last-minute objections in bed, I don't know, I should work on that but maintain a good relationship, considering we work together, what do you think?

I don't think you're taking the time to properly understand her motivations.

Think about her state of mind when she went to sleep with you. She did not do it because you were 'high value'. She slept with you because she was mad about her boyfriend, he was treating her badly, and you made her feel like she's back in control of her life and happiness, at least in a small way. You made her feel good about herself, seen and understood, sexually validated, etc.

You cannot go in now trying to DHV yourself and make her jealous, 1) because that's not why she slept with you in the first place and 2) her boyfriend you say is rich, why do you want to compete with him?

He is her portal to some wealthy retirement plan where other people feel jealous of her, you are her portal to freedom, great sex, self-expression, and letting her inner rebellious sprite run wild.

The last thing you want to be doing is look like you are competing for the place of her wealthy boyfriend (with him and probably a bunch of other guys in those circles with way more means than you).

In these things you have to think 1) what are her motivations and 2) what is the message that captures those motivations? Even if it's not something you say directly to her, imagine what you would say in 1 or 2 sentences if you could speak directly to her subconscious, and then build that message into your overall frame, your conversations and the things you bring her attention to when she's with you. That is how you influence someone.
...

On the topic of coworkers, it's your choice but frankly for me coworkers are off the table, in this day and age it's too risky. Do you prioritize your career or temporarily having sex with this girl? In sexual situations (especially ones connected to powerful positive and negative emotions) it's good for things that end to be fully over and move into the annals of history, and the inability to keep someone out of sight and mind can keep a negative tension around for a long time unless both parties are very mature about it.

 

[kbr89]

I dov bn't think you're taking the time to properly understand her motivations.

Think about her state of mind when she went to sleep with you. She did not do it because you were 'hig by v vih value'. She slept with you because she was mad about her boyfriend, he was treating her badly, and you made her feel like she's back in control of her life and happiness, at least in a small way. You made her feel good about herself, seen and understood, sexually validated, etc.

You cannot go in now trying to DHV yourself and make her jealous, 1) because that's not why she slept with you in the first place and 2) her boyfriend you say is rich, why do you want to compete with him?

He is her portal to some wealthy retirement plan where other people feel jealous of her, you are her portal to freedom, great sex, self-expression, and letting her inner rebellious sprite run wild.

The last thing you want to be doing is look like you are competing for the place of her wealthy boyfriend (with him and probably a bunch of other guys in those circles with way more means than you).

In these things you have to think 1) what are her motivations and 2) what is the message that captures those motivations? Even if it's not something you say directly to her, imagine what you would say in 1 or 2 sentences if you could speak directly to her subconscious, and then build that message into your overall frame, your conversations and the things you bring her attention to when she's with you. That is how you influence someone.
...

On the topic of coworkers, it's your choice but frankly for me coworkers are off the table, in this day and age it's too risky. Do you prioritize your career or temporarily having sex with this girl? In sexual situations (especially ones connected to powerful positive and negative emotions) it's good for things that end to be fully over and move into the annals of history, and the inability to keep someone out of sight and mind can keep a negative tension around for a long time unless both parties are very mature about it.

Quote ```
You cannot go in now trying to DHV yourself and make her jealous, 1) because that's not why she slept with you in the first place and 2) her boyfriend you say is rich, why do you want to compete with him?
```
Yes but the purpose of the pictures was not for appear wealthy, but was for make her see that (and is true) im living my own life in beautifull places, with a beautifull girl, instead she is home doing nothing, and this should piss her off.
i think that wath bring her the frist time with me was the need to go out and have fun, she was pissed off, couse her BF never take her out anymore, so your is a good point: freedom, self expression.
Interesting thing here is that for sure her BF have another girl, and soon or not will leave her, i think her bigger fear is to lose what she have accomplished with him.

Quote
```
Even if it's not something you say directly to her, imagine what you would say in 1 or 2 sentences if you could speak directly to her subconscious, and then build that message into your overall frame, your conversations and the things you bring her attention to when she's with you. That is how you influence someone.
```
Thanks for make me thinking in this way, i would like to be able to do something like this,
I have to figure out how.

I would like to take this steps:
-Contacting her and set a date
-stop listening her complaints about her BF and change topic
-bring the conversation on freedom self expression and "you have only one life" vibe
- take up sexual tension
-avoid express to much romantic feeling for her ( i fault on this point, i was think that she need this but seems not)
Please tell me what you think about this steps if sounds correct or im missing something.

 

[Will_V]

Quote ```
You cannot go in now trying to DHV yourself and make her jealous, 1) because that's not why she slept with you in the first place and 2) her boyfriend you say is rich, why do you want to compete with him?
```
Yes but the purpose of the pictures was not for appear wealthy, but was for make her see that (and is true) im living my own life in beautifull places, with a beautifull girl, instead she is home doing nothing, and this should piss her off.
i think that wath bring her the frist time with me was the need to go out and have fun, she was pissed off, couse her BF never take her out anymore, so your is a good point: freedom, self expression.
Interesting thing here is that for sure her BF have another girl, and soon or not will leave her, i think her bigger fear is to lose what she have accomplished with him.

Quote
```
Even if it's not something you say directly to her, imagine what you would say in 1 or 2 sentences if you could speak directly to her subconscious, and then build that message into your overall frame, your conversations and the things you bring her attention to when she's with you. That is how you influence someone.
```
Thanks for make me thinking in this way, i would like to be able to do something like this,
I have to figure out how.

I would like to take this steps:
-Contacting her and set a date
-stop listening her complaints about her BF and change topic
-bring the conversation on freedom self expression and "you have only one life" vibe
- take up sexual tension
-avoid express to much romantic feeling for her ( i fault on this point, i was think that she need this but seems not)
Please tell me what you think about this steps if sounds correct or im missing something.

The direction you would need to take things to keep her interested is certainly away from being any kind of provider of 'value' and toward giving her a path of self expression. I don't use pictures much in texting nor am I the best texter but my intuition is that unless you really hit the spot the photo might come across as trying to impress.

Beyond that I'm afraid I don't know enough about the situation - what kind of person you are and what your real goals are, what kind of person she is, what she ultimately has as her goal with you and him and what she might be open to, how you've come across to her pre and post sex already - to know exactly how to steer through all the obstacles. Because it's a messy situation - she's emotionally tied up with her boyfriend, she's done something with you that on some level she regrets (even if perhaps overall she is happy about it), and she's your coworker and you'll be seeing eachother regularly in a non romantic context for the foreseeable future. It's nowhere near a typical dating situation and would require razor sharp calibration to prevent implosion.

And since it's a situation I personally would go to great lengths to avoid, since I like my peace and tranquility and certainly won't give it up for some pussy, I don't think I'm the best person to guide you forward. But I hope I've shone a little bit of light on the situation for you.