Break Ups Got suddenly dumped by an one year LTR girl with depression

HeartOfChaos · Friday at 8:17 PM

Thanks a lot for your detailed reply!

Rakehell said:
-What you should do now is reach out to her casually.

Something simple and clean like, “Hey x. How are you holding up?”

Do you think that simply messaging her now and getting to the point very quickly like Chase said ("Hey, we should talk when you are back"), then waiting for till she comes (and when I am back as well) and actually trying to have conversation like you suggested in person not a good idea?

She's away at the moment, and I'll prob be away soon for a bit too, so realistically we won't be able to meet for 3-4 more weeks.

Rakehell said:
Let her respond. Ask what she’s up to now, and then call her.

One thing: we barely ever talked on the phone. But we texted daily. She called me just a couple of times (when she was super stressed about something / needed to clarify something quickly). I never ever initiated any calls.

Also: I am not that great on the phone with emotional intimate conversations. But I can try. Do you think this conversation can be handled via purely text?

Rakehell said:
Her inability to articulate how she feels is classic alexythymic behavior, and she will latch on to the closest stressor in order to explain it, but even she herself isn’t sure what she’s saying is correct.

Yeah, not sure if this is a symptom of Aspergers or just her not having a great command ofverbal English (remember it's her 2nd language, she's only lived here for like 2 years). But she understands speech, knows all the slang / Gen Z lingo near perfectly and reads everything fine. Just has significant difficulty expressing herself / articulating anything to me or to others. But when she speaks in Turkish to her family (on phone) and her therapist she seems more at ease and more articulate.

Rakehell · Friday at 8:27 PM

HeartOfChaos said:
Do you think that simply messaging her now and getting to the point very quickly like Chase said ("Hey, we should talk when you are back"), then waiting for till she comes (and when I am back as well) and actually trying to have conversation like you suggested in person not a good idea?

She's away at the moment, and I'll prob be away soon for a bit too, so realistically we won't be able to meet for 3-4 more weeks.

I mean it could work, personally I think the danger and damage will come from too much non engagement and her reaching an emotional equilibrium without you in the picture.

In my opinion capitalizing on the heightened emotions from the impromptu breakup is the best play, versus letting her cement that “its over” emotionally.

It could even be the case right now and that will be much harder if not impossible to flip. Especially with her friends and family around to supplement her sense of well being.

Which sucks because the time of the breakup was near a time she could better process it (through her support system).

Im not the kind of person who leaves things to chance, if I were you I’d strike while the irons hot. Ideally it should have happened within the first 4 days.

HeartOfChaos said:
One thing: we barely ever talked on the phone. But we texted daily. She called me just a couple of times (when she was super stressed about something / needed to clarify something quickly). I never ever initiated any calls.

Also: I am not that great on the phone with emotional intimate conversations. But I can try. Do you think this conversation can be handled via purely text?

Play to your strengths and whats most familiar to her. I’m more persuasive vocally than over text, but if that’s what she’s most familiar with and fond of it could play more to your advantage.

Maybe ask for some small compliance before getting into the deeper stuff so the vocal familiarity and the feelings that come with it still land.

i.e she tells you how shes been etc, and in your response you include something like, “It feels weird not hearing your voice for so long, can you send me a voice memo?”

then respond to her memo with your own voice and then go into getting her back.

The point of the voice is to remind her body of the good feelings associated with it.

Will_V · Friday at 8:42 PM

HeartOfChaos said:
Hi, ok, so I am shit at summarising. What is written below is rather detailed,as close as possible to what happened in days after break up:

Ok, so: break up night of 27 July. We were meant to go to beach next day. I went by myself instead (she knows I always like going out in nature on my own, she even said to me while breaking up "you should go to sea tomorrow...")

I messaged her the beach pic saying "lovely place. Feels somehow more peaceful than the beach we've been to last week". She "liked" the pic with heart emojis and replied "yeah, its because I am not there to fuck up your mood " - a short neutral exchange of a few messages or so follows, with another pic from me that she responds with a heart emoji

- she always tends to often use emojis and have brief word responses - as she always put it, she is not good at articulating her thoughts and views in written communication (she isn't good at articulating them in person too by the way)

29 July: I sent her a pic of my house interior with some text "this is why I couldn't invite you to mine all this time blah blah" -in context, she was complaining that I don't invite her to mine, only go to hers, and this is one of the reasons she always cited during the break up now and in May. I explained why before (my house has all sorts of modifications, repair shit etc, and other reasons, and so I had a legitimate reason not to invite her) , but I don't think she ever really accepted this. On day of break up I offered to send her a pic as a "proof".

She responds "yeah you really should sort this out....Also I hate to say this but please stop texting me for a while...I dont want to drag this any more"

Me: "Fine... All this time I was asking you to delay your flight home because I wanted to spend the anniversary with you and make it special. Have a good time back home and get in touch later if up for resetting things"

She: (in response to my have a good time and get in touch later)... I know you did and I am sorry it had to be like this. I hope you have a good time in your trips... I want you to be happy and good"

Me: "Thanks, blah blah" positive neutral tone
Her "Yeah blah blah" - positive neutral tone
Me: "Try some yoga postures in Turkey I taught you and send me a pic"
Her:

30 July

Her: "Hi blah blah just found out I have a yeast infection. Just wanted to let you know"
Me: thanking her for letting me know, a few messages back and forth about the potential infection and ending with "recover soon"
Her:

31 July:

Me: "look...Despite everything let's meet this weekend and do something nice? We should try instead of giving up"
Her: "I need to think... I don't know"
Me: "Nothing to overthink, just need to act"
Her: "yeah dont wanna give you false hope... I want to hang out but I made up my mind"
Me "I want to give us a chance to build something beautiful together"
Her: "I can't do it... I am sorry"
Me : "I am not gonna pressure you... I want you to feel good about me. Think about it and we can meet when you are back in town"
Her:

1 Aug: I sent her a pic of new sneakers I bought - because that's what we talked about in weeks prior, I wanted to get new ones and she was asking "can I come and choose sneakers with you". Briefconversation about them ensues, seems neutral, again with her sending her usual emojis

3 Aug - one year anniversary day

Me :"Hey, I am taking a walk in centre... Still not up for joining?"
Her: "No sorry"

This is when I write the card and the letter Skills suggested and drop in her letterbox later that day. The letter basically said

"I bought this card for you 2 weeks ago, wanted to give it you on anniversary and say how much I loved you blah blah...I was trying to understand the reasons for what happened... I get it now... I should have paid more attention to what you tried to say...Should have tried meeting your friends, your brother, your family perhaps.. once I realised I was serious about you I should have been more upfront... I wanted to, but it was all a bit difficult with my situation and I thought you wanted to hide me from your parents for a while...Perhaps the biggest mistake I made was blaming it all on your depression rather than what you actually tried to tell me...I truly hope your health recovers"

4 Aug:

Her: "Hi, I got your card, was unexpected. Was unexpected Thank you for understanding. I saw you tried to help me in every way. I appreciate that. I truly wish you to be happy and find an amazing partner who loves you the way you deserve to be loved. Thank you for great memories "

Me: "Thank you... I wish you success with everything"
Her: "Likewise "

That was our last communication. Next day I know she was flying back to home to her parents. So she is at home at her parents now.

Yeah, that's what I thought myself earlier and Chase said this too. Skills seems to be of a different opinion...

Yeah, I think so. She is not really a party girl, more of a homebody. Tends to spent a lot of time with her mum / family, and some close girl friends from her childhood days. Has few if any male acquaintances or friends. The impression I got is that she and her family in general aren't the most social butterflies.

Just a quick comment on this: you have put yourself firmly in the chase frame here.

a) you've been the one to initiate contact every time
b) you've made it clear that you want the whole nine yards with her, while she's not even sure she wants to see you again
c) you have asked for things and she has 'refused' you multiple times, which damages your frame

you cannot continue with this and expect anything to change, it will only get worse.

Think about the way you feel right now - thinking about her all the time, anxiously trying to get her back, trying to find ways to interest her again. That's how you want her to feel. And there's no way she can feel that unless she believes you are willing to let her go, unless she feels that you are ok without her but she's not ok without you.

As they say if you can't walk away from a deal you don't have any power at all. And you certainly can't sway someone who's on the fence about you.

I know you feel like it'd be hard to get another girl like her. But remember at the end of the day, she wants to be with a guy who can find ten girls like her, and you want to be the sort of guy who can find ten girls like her, and all the other ten girls want guys who can find ten other girls like her. So what do you think the solution is here?

HeartOfChaos · Friday at 8:46 PM

Will_V said:
Just a quick comment on this: you have put yourself firmly in the chase frame here.

a) you've been the one to initiate contact every time
b) you've made it clear that you want the whole nine yards with her, while she's not even sure she wants to see you again
c) you have asked for things and she has 'refused' you multiple times, which damages your frame

One thing here about a) - I was the one who initiated contact with her 95% of time since the day we met. So not really unusual here.

She is just very passive. She hardly ever messaged first ever.

Will_V · Friday at 8:59 PM

HeartOfChaos said:
One thing here about a) - I was the one who initiated contact with her 95% of time since the day we met. So not really unusual here.

She is just very passive. She hardly ever messaged first ever.

I'm not sure she would be that passive if you had set up the right frame from the get go, but perhaps it is so.

There are good ways to initiate contact without losing the frame though. Like teasing her right off the bat, giving her implicit commands (I like what you did telling her to send you a pic of her yoga), or just being completely ambivalent about the state of the relationship and wanting to chat about random stuff you both used to like chatting about.

What you do NOT want is for her to look at the phone, see something from you, and think "oh here we go again he's gonna try and patch things up with me. He really does want me badly doesn't he". You do want her to be curious and wonder what it is you're after.

Sounds mean but you'd feel the same way in her shoes, girls get turned on by having to work for a guy, and turned off when he's at her mercy. It goes right down into female biology and you can't do anything about it.

Teevster · Friday at 9:02 PM

Rakehell said:
@HeartOfChaos it’s going to sound sort of off-putting, and I’d brought this up before, but I’m 95% sure your girl has aspengers.

Her behavior inside of the relationship, who she was before it, and her ongoing “mental health” struggle, lines up pretty cookie cutter with the diagnosis.

Meaning that she almost certainly has OCD. Which can be troublesome if she’s unaware and dealing with intrusive thoughts directed at your relationship.

Neither to be mistaken with the sitting in a corner with headphones on, or needing your house to be cleaned in a certain way generalizations.

These things are important for maintaining the relationship. Distinguishing actual problems within the relationship, from her internal dysregulation latching on to perceived problems in order to explain her feelings in a logical way.

Her inability to articulate how she feels is classic alexythymic behavior, and she will latch on to the closest stressor in order to explain it, but even she herself isn’t sure what she’s saying is correct.

When you reinforce how she’s feeling by arguing against it, or overly reassuring/validating how she feels, it serves as a confirmation for her.

These things are important in terms of maintaining the relationship, and avoiding the dreaded misunderstandings that will inevitably cause situations like this.

Top notch analysis.

-Teevster

HeartOfChaos · Friday at 9:13 PM

Rakehell said:
I mean it could work, personally I think the danger and damage will come from too much non engagement and her reaching an emotional equilibrium without you in the picture.

In my opinion capitalizing on the heightened emotions from the impromptu breakup is the best play, versus letting her cement that “its over” emotionally.

It could even be the case right now and that will be much harder if not impossible to flip. Especially with her friends and family around to supplement her sense of well being.

Which sucks because the time of the breakup was near a time she could better process it (through her support system).

Im not the kind of person who leaves things to chance, if I were you I’d strike while the irons hot. Ideally it should have happened within the first 4 days.

Play to your strengths and whats most familiar to her. I’m more persuasive vocally than over text, but if that’s what she’s most familiar with and fond of it could play more to your advantage.

Maybe ask for some small compliance before getting into the deeper stuff so the vocal familiarity and the feelings that come with it still land.

i.e she tells you how shes been etc, and in your response you include something like, “It feels weird not hearing your voice for so long, can you send me a voice memo?”

then respond to her memo with your own voice and then go into getting her back.

The point of the voice is to remind her body of the good feelings associated with it.

Right. So I just messaged her using your suggestion “hey how are you holding up?”.

Let’s just see how if / she responds in her typical way (which is quite often “I feel like shit” when I ask her how she is).

Rakehell · Friday at 9:22 PM

HeartOfChaos said:
Yeah, not sure if this is a symptom of Aspergers or just her not having a great command ofverbal English (remember it's her 2nd language, she's only lived here for like 2 years). But she understands speech, knows all the slang / Gen Z lingo near perfectly and reads everything fine. Just has significant difficulty expressing herself / articulating anything to me or to others. But when she speaks in Turkish to her family (on phone) and her therapist she seems more at ease and more articulate.

I’m well versed at spotting the symptoms in women at this point. You will just have to trust my judgement on this.

HeartOfChaos said:
Right. So I just messaged her using your suggestion “hey how are you holding up?”.

Let’s just see how if / she responds in her typical way (which is quite often “I feel like shit” when I ask her how she is).

How she badly she feels is a far away second concern, and part of the reason you all reached this point.

Going forward with your interactions with her you need to be somewhat of an anchoring force.

You need to know you alls relationship and yourself for her, so that when she spirals out you can hold steady and ground her with your presence.

Think of your relationship up to this point like a life raft in a sea of her emotions, when her emotions spike she flips out and tries to capsize you both.

You need to be solid enough to not let her drown you in struggling to pull her up, so that she can climb aboard herself.

Eventually reaching the point where you are a ship and she’s the passenger, and no amount of her dysregulation can move you.

HeartOfChaos · Friday at 9:39 PM

Rakehell said:
I’m well versed at spotting the symptoms in women at this point. You will just have to trust my judgement on this.

How she badly she feels is a far away second concern, and part of the reason you all reached this point.

Going forward with your interactions with her you need to be somewhat of an anchoring force.

You need to know you alls relationship and yourself for her, so that when she spirals out you can hold steady and ground her with your presence.

Well, the good thing for now is that she is responded to my message already at her usual fast pace

Rakehell · Friday at 9:56 PM

HeartOfChaos said:
Well, the good thing for now is that she is responded to my message already at her usual fast pace

Then youve got her. Follow the process as I outlined but still be responsive, don’t over think it.

HeartOfChaos · Friday at 10:03 PM

Rakehell said:
Then youve got her. Follow the process as I outlined but still be responsive, don’t over think it.

Haha the overthinking part is what’s killing me!

Funny. I haven’t been in such a situation for many years, thinking what to write and how not to put my foot wrong.

basically I asked how she is, she like “I’m ok, what about you”. We just exchanging some messages (that I ate some of her fav sweet food today, she saying she’s gaining weight and cutting sugar sadly, I’m teasing that there’s must be space in her belly left for a diet biscuit)…

Do you think it’s a good idea to switch to a more sentimental frame soon like in the “prescription “ you gave earlier and say that I’ve been catching myself thinking about her blah blah?

Rakehell · Friday at 10:22 PM

HeartOfChaos said:
Haha the overthinking part is what’s killing me!

Funny. I haven’t been in such a situation for many years, thinking what to write and how not to put my foot wrong.

basically I asked how she is, she like “I’m ok, what about you”. We just exchanging some messages (that I ate some of her fav sweet food today, she saying she’s gaining weight and cutting sugar sadly, I’m teasing that there’s must be space in her belly left for a diet biscuit)…

Do you think it’s a good idea to switch to a more sentimental frame soon like in the “prescription “ you gave earlier and say that I’ve been catching myself thinking about her blah blah?

i preempted for her likely responses in my posts, just re read them and take a breather before responding, thats the beauty of texts. But do keep up the momentum, you honestly dont need any input from me if you follow the program and dont get sucked into anything too off topic.

Lead the conversation

HeartOfChaos · Saturday at 12:55 AM

Rakehell said:
I’m well versed at spotting the symptoms in women at this point. You will just have to trust my judgement on this.

I trust your judgement, but I am wondering what made you so sure after I written out the details of my communication with her post-break up?

What symptoms specifically?

Skills · Saturday at 1:52 AM

too many chefs in the kitchen, this is why i hate forums.... Anyways, follow one set of advice and go with it...

now you mix what i told you with what someone else told you.... so i am totally out!

empath · Saturday at 9:46 PM

Skills said:
he already did this with letter, this won't work now.. empah read post for context... you are talking about girls that go no contact on you angle (which is right), read some of the thread for context...

I wish if there was a way to summaries this thread

cliffnotes maybe eh?

Rakehell · Saturday at 11:45 PM

HeartOfChaos said:
I trust your judgement, but I am wondering what made you so sure after I written out the details of my communication with her post-break up?

What symptoms specifically?

The behavioral signs in her lifestyle, communication style, and her ongoing mental health struggle.

HeartOfChaos said:
She had constant depression and social anxiety since she was 16. She is on anti depressants and other meds and having meetings with a psychiatrist. Nice, lonely, timid and shy personality, but she can be blunt and straightforward and prone to angry outbursts too. She never had a job in her life, and is relying on her parents' money

-Depression and anxiety while common, are common still in people on the autistic spectrum. Alone they wouldn’t be enough to point to autism, but with the other factors there’s a good chance she is.

-The need for a psychiatrist and medication, the ineffectiveness of her treatments (based on her mental state now as you’ve described it) points to being medicated for the wrong things.

-The 27 year old virgin phenomenon could be explained away still, but points to neurodivergent social development. It just so happens she’d lived in a conservative country, feels like a dead end, but she could’ve jumped on the cock wagon when she landed in the UK. That does not seem like an interest for her.

-Blunt, straightforward, (possibly someone who overshares and is sometimes overly accommodating to others?) while on the flip side under-accommodating in other ways (could be seen as somehwhat selfish or confusing, lack of understanding why she should have to do certain things that you find as common sense and basic reciprocity?).

-Someone who does things that seem offputting and while nice, may be described as somewhat socially awkward. (While it can be written off as anxiety, her inability to comprehend when she is doing something that may be described as offputting

-Self soothing behaviors such as random verbalizations, scratching, biting, pulling hair. Things referred to as stimming in people with autism. Cannot articulate her emotions, misdiagnoses whats causing them.

-Someone you might describe as naive, somewhat childlike, possesses strange world views.

-Her inability to play mind games, strong values despite subjective contexts. Won’t intentionally do something upsetting, but also won’t intentionally not do something that might be upsetting. Lack of social awareness, prioritizes what she thinks, does not think for others past how she views the situation.

I could go on and on, but autism in women is under diagnosed in comparison to men. Her odd lifestyle, the cues that she shows behaviorally, her mental health, and the false flags she presents all point to a girl dealing with autism.

Especially the false flags that she presents, it’s hard to believe that someone who cannot hold down a job, doesn’t leave the house, and has little sexual experience, is also someone who is playing mind games and has a different agenda than what she’s expressed.

HeartOfChaos · 2025-08-17T00:17:18+0100

Rakehell said:
The behavioral signs in her lifestyle, communication style, and her ongoing mental health struggle.

I could go on and on, but autism in women is under diagnosed in comparison to men. Her odd lifestyle, the cues that she shows behaviorally, her mental health, and the false flags she presents all point to a girl dealing with autism.

Especially the false flags that she presents, it’s hard to believe that someone who cannot hold down a job, doesn’t leave the house, and has little sexual experience, is also someone who is playing mind games and has a different agenda than what she’s expressed.

Ok I see. Gotta say, she seemed to gain a tiny bit of experience with men since coming to UK - she said she had makeouts with 2 guys she met at parties / bars she been invited to, in the one and a half years before meeting me. And she said she met a couple of others guys on her degree course who she fancied but was too shy to talk to them etc. She tried some dating app for a bit but told me that the few conversations she had all petered out.

But now this is all beside the point.

I tried your strategy, we chatted via text last night and today, then I tried to make the move you suggested "been thinking about everything that happened blah blah..."

To cut the story short, she basically responded "I care for you deeply, but I don't want to continue a romantic relationship with you. We already said our goodbyes before (referring to the letter). I don't want to continue this conversation...I want and wish the best for you".

So, seems the window of opportunity is truly closed, at least for quite some time.

I will not be contacting her again for a long time, if ever - unless she reaches out first.

A part of me feels very sad for how things went and how stupid I was for not paying to her signals earlier, when she was basically telling me them.

But who knows, some posters here (Teevster) believe that no matter what I would have done, it would have ended the same sooner or later. I don't know.

Another part of me is relieved somehow that I tried my best to reinitiate things (although I get that I weakened my frame a lot). Also relieved that in hindsight, trying to make a future with someone who has hereditary mental problems really isn't a great idea from the perspective of future children, etc, let alone that after all her family background is muslim, and I am not, which could have also caused some friction. I really tried my best to get her interested in certain things I value (like Buddhism, spirituality, exploring the great outdoors) but she wasn't very responsive, so some important values seemed not to align either...

Skills · 2025-08-17T00:20:44+0100

Rakehell said:
The behavioral signs in her lifestyle, communication style, and her ongoing mental health struggle.

I could go on and on, but autism in women is under diagnosed in comparison to men. Her odd lifestyle, the cues that she shows behaviorally, her mental health, and the false flags she presents all point to a girl dealing with autism.

Especially the false flags that she presents, it’s hard to believe that someone who cannot hold down a job, doesn’t leave the house, and has little sexual experience, is also someone who is playing mind games and has a different agenda than what she’s expressed.

Please let me know what college and degree in psychology you had...

How many test you ran on your session with the Turkish girl??

How many female patients have you treated with autism???

This is ridiculous

HeartOfChaos · 2025-08-17T00:34:57+0100

Skills said:
Please let me know what college and degree in psychology you had...

How many test you ran on your session with the Turkish girl??

How many female patients have you treated with autism???

This is ridiculous

Skills, completely off topic, but wanted to say that I had a look at one of your threads regarding your observations in 2025 on fashion and other things, and gotta say I totally agree. I've been paying attention to the way younger generation (18-29 year olds) dress and look in London, and my observations coincide with yours...

I am usually pretty fashion conscious, but for the last 3-4 years since Covid I've been behind the times... Been wearing slim / skinny-ish jeans that are out of style now, which the Turkish girl immediately pointed out to me when we started dating (she is really street urban style fashion oriented), and tried to encourage me to wear more baggy stuff - to which I only started coming on board in recent months.

Skills · 2025-08-17T00:37:59+0100

HeartOfChaos said:
Skills, completely off topic, but wanted to say that I had a look at one of your threads regarding your observations in 2025 on fashion and other things, and gotta say I totally agree. I've been paying attention to the way younger generation (18-29 year olds) dress and look in London, and my observations coincide with yours...

I am usually pretty fashion conscious, but for the last 3-4 years since Covid I've been behind the times... Been wearing slim / skinny-ish jeans that are out of style now, which the Turkish girl immediately pointed out to me when we started dating (she is really street urban style fashion oriented), and tried to encourage me to wear more baggy stuff - to which I only started coming on board in recent months.

i told you that brother...... early pages... i also told you that she ain't autistic... i also told you to wait, but you ping her, when she is going to be on the trip which is retarded...... wasted of a ping...

Break Ups Got suddenly dumped by an one year LTR girl with depression

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