Break Ups Got suddenly dumped by an one year LTR girl with depression

[HeartOfChaos]

Ok that's awesome you are getting out there again.

Well, I was always out there the next day after break up, really. But with me no amount of random hook ups will replace the feeling of deep sadness and loss. I know this, because I went through another bad break up many years ago. I fucked a dozen girls in the next several months. Did not help. The only thing that helped was getting another LTR eventually...

My character is often prone to melancholy which makes me dwell on the past mistakes.

 

[KJ Francis]

Unless your classification of sex drive is purely based on if she has an orgasm or not.

Not necessarily. It's all on a gradient spectrum anyways.

He has two main screening tests. The self esteem threshold test is like briefly poking her to see if she defends herself. You wouldn't need to run it on your ex because she already explicitly stated that she feels that she is worthless.

The other screening test is to engage in the flowery talk (rich, sensory descriptions, emotions, etc.). The HSE girls will enjoy connecting on this level, whether HD or LD. The LSE HD girls will find you boring. The LSE LD will enjoy this type of talk but will reframe it as negative.

EVERYTHING is on a gradient, including the self esteem. A girl can display high and low traits depending on the situation. Same with Franco's distinction of good girls (heart-motivated), adventuresses, and materialistas. Even online tests on attachment styles give the results like a pie chart.

 

[Bismarck]

Respectfully, you seem a bit bitter - not sure if because of your results with the game (what came first, the chicken or the eggs?)

Not sure what did it to you, but I love meeting a new girl, provided I am physically attracted to her, and, yes, it would be nicer if the night ended with my dick in her mouth, but if it doesn't, I still enjoy the process.

Then again, perhaps I have blinkers in that the tour guide gig made securing toosh effortless, so, despite having missed many opportunities, I still managed to go through my fair share of babes over the years.

Having to cold approach every single dame would certainly have made everything more like a chore, especially if I had to approach high volume to snag one date. My success with the tour guide twat then propelled me to social circle success where snatch is concerned.

Cold approach has been at best a supplementary source of poon for me.

I guess it's true what they say that you can have positive momentum (winner's mindset) with increased test, but that the opposite is also true...

 

[HeartOfChaos]

Respectfully, you seem a bit bitter - not sure if because of your results with the game (what came first, the chicken or the eggs?)

Yeah, bitter because of both lack of results and game itself. And due to life in general (lack of satisfaction with location, career, health issues, it's all tied in together). If I could, I would just disappear to some desert island for many months...

Not sure what did it to you, but I love meeting a new girl, provided I am physically attracted to her, and, yes, it would be nicer if the night ended with my dick in her mouth, but if it doesn't, I still enjoy the process

I used to enjoy it over a decade ago. Then it became a chore, because I was repeatedly failing to meet women who are compatible with me / who are hot enough. And yes, majority of the time it's end result (sex / companionship) that I like, not the meeting or seduction part. I reckon because most girls I see I just don't find very interesting or intriguing. To me the depressed average girl might be more interesting to talk to than some hot party bimbo.

I mean the bimbo is hot and I'd fuck her no questions asked, but I wouldn't want to spend 5 mins of my time talking to her.

Having to cold approach every single dame would certainly have made everything more like a chore

Thats the problem. Especially in high volume only to be left with leftovers. I can't do it any longer in terms of time constraints, lack of results, etc. But cold approach is the only option I have.

 

[HeartOfChaos]

Then again, perhaps I have blinkers in that the tour guide gig made securing toosh effortless, so, despite having missed many opportunities, I've still managed to go through my fair share of babes over the years.

Your are a tour guide. Very different from me, where I work in a heavy male dominant STEM field from home most of the time. I don't have a social circle. In my spare time, I prefer being in nature by the seaside. No opportunities to meet people women naturally.

Edit: I may sound pessimistic -I am not really. Just very, very jaded and frustrated from never being to meet any "normal" desirable women of the "right" age bracket who are compatible with my values.

 

[Chase]

Basically the break up happened 2 weeks ago,, just several days before our anniversary. Following few days we exchanged a few messages back and forth. It boiled down to this, paraphrasing a bit:

Me: - "look, let's try to meet and do something nice and try another chance for us to build something special together",

Her: - "I need to think about but I dont know", and then "I am sorry I can't do it... Blah blah... I want to hang out trust me but I made up my mind"

Me: - " ok I don't want to pressurise you... I want you to feel good...So just think about it and we could see when you are back in town"

Her: "Ok "


And then 2 days later following advice from Skills I wrote to her the card briefly explaining that I understand I made a mistake, and she acknowledged by texting "Your card was unexpected. I want to say thank you for understanding. I want you to be really good and happy and find an amazing partner who's gonna love you the way you deserve."

So I sorta tried the Olive Rule a bit via the card I wrote and also in the message earlier I did mention for her to think and see if we reset thing when she's back... But trying to get her out for our anniversary did not work, she said "she can't do it" - I mean I did reveal too much in texts but hey...

So yeah. She's been away for a week and we haven't talked. Realistically the earliest I could see her is in around a month or so, as I will be away for a bit as well...

Still think it's a good idea to get in touch soon and say "Hey, we should talk when are both back" ?

Well, yeah, sticky given all the communication attempts already that also did not resolve things.

For the record, with women who are coming to you saying "You need to lead me clearly and strongly" (which is what she was saying), you really want avoid vague language like "let's try to meet soon" "do something" "build something special" etc.

Vague stuff is okay when you're feeling a situation out. When it hits "crisis of leadership" moments, you need to be clear and firm.

The impression I get here is you don't really know what you want with this girl either. You don't want to lose her, but beyond that...

In which case, her read is accurate. She doesn't know where it's going and doesn't understand why you're still with her either. Nor do you...

...

Anyway, given the prior go-nowhere attempts, all of which were vague and failed to lead ("I made a mistake" is not clear or leading, btw; it is appeasing...), and her basically responding with "have a nice life", you need a cool off period.

If she's gone for a month, if it was me, given how badly fumbled the responses have been so far, I'd probably have absolutely no contact with her whatsoever until maybe 2 weeks after she's back... then text her, "Hey. Hope you had a nice trip. We need to talk. When can you meet?"

But she is going to push for details, and I don't think you'll know how to respond.

Even if you get her out in person, I'm not certain you'll know what to say.

Especially since it doesn't seem like you even know what you want from her.

So really you might just be better going full no contact and hope she gets desperate and has a change of heart and contacts you. Because otherwise, even if you get the meet, I suspect you will just repeat earlier patterns, and she will leave all annoyed and defeated anyway. Or she will press you for details, not like what she hears, and not even show up.

...

Honestly, at this point, I would say the best thing for the girl is to let her go and find a guy who can give her the kind of firm, clear leadership she needs.

You'd do better with a more decisive girl who will power through your uncertainty and push you to make decisions. That's my read.

If you want to keep this girl, then you are going to need to spend the next 6 weeks giving yourself the hardest crash course of your life on being decisive, leading, and knowing what you want and getting it.

Turn yourself from "HeartOfChaos" to "HeartOfSteel", basically.

Cheers,
Chase

 

[HeartOfChaos]

The impression I get here is you don't really know what you want with this girl either. You don't want to lose her, but beyond that...

Chase: my own situation is difficult and I am vague regarding my own long term plans, and I told her as much months ago.

I am focussing on improving my financial situation (possible career change) and my living situations is unclear (out of my control, I am facing a a legal matter where I may lose my home, in which case I will need to move far elsewhere or change career, etc - so basically I may be facing radical changes in the next year or so. It's 50/50). She is aware of this

She is on temp visa, so if she doesn't get a job with specific salary, she may need to leave in the next 12-18 months.

Before break up, in the long run I was aiming towards moving in with her, with potentially leading to marriage (I could envision it) - but this is difficult due to my own vague living arrangements and that she cannot support herself financially - no job - supported by her parents' money which will not last forever, although they are well off as I understand.

I was also aiming towards meeting her family, to see how they are really like, to help me form my own decision regarding her. And before meeting her family, I was hoping to do some travelling with her, to take vacation, to do more long term "couple activities" - again to get closer together and evaluate things.

So: I wanted to be with her and try to build towards actually being together as a couple leading to cohabitation, potential family later down the line in several years. I know I want a committed relationship leading to family one day, but I want to spend more time with her properly to see if we are a real match long term or not because I have doubts. So I wanted to do more activities with her (and yes, including meeting friends and family) to establish further compatibility.

However, because

a) I was always a bit shy in expressing my real desires and feelings to women
b)I am very caught up in stuff regarding my work, legal situation, health issues, etc
c) I am not very social astute and not smooth at reacting to social cues
d) she was away a lot (4 out of 12 months she spend abroad basically)

I found it difficult to build momentum I wanted with her and also did not pay attention to her cues regarding her concerns. The point d) that she tends to go away for weeks a time (due to either depression or needing to do this and that with family) made it difficult for me to create real momentum and a sense of continuity

you need a cool off period.

Yeah, it's happening now really. She will prob be here earlier than a month though - not certain. I am likely to be away myself at the time however.

But she is going to push for details, and I don't think you'll know how to respond.

She may not push for details. And I am not intending to discuss stuff over the phone. Both me and her err towards being blunt in communication when it comes to it. I will simply say that it's best to discuss in person as it's not something to talk over in texts. What other response can there be?

What do you think?

 

[Skills]

Whatever I have seen from girls going no contact on me.

Try to be as warm as possible over text but keep text super short.

Mostly they come back around in 20-30 days.

Or at least respond

try to move to call as quickly as possible

but don’t be over emotional or sour on them

Also, somehow bringing back shared memory over text does not work

over the text be mature and keep giving them benefit of doubt, (even if u believe otherwise) like ahh seems busy, is health of everyone ok etc … blah blah, don’t overdo it though

as long as she has not broke up due to other man and attainablity was a problem it will work

If nothing works you can go on a dark path of breaking her down mentally where she don’t have a choice except meeting you - use jealously plotline aonly after you have been warm enough and water is above your neck

Also, had a lot of one-itis and Its not a easy phase tbh but after few one-itis it gets easier

Also, given this is a long time of month, try to bang a few chicks, you have right to do it, will make your jealously plot-line more solid if it comes to that.

P.S. Haven’t read the whole thread

Empath matches my experience... You are of all people... Good job

 

[Skills]

Hey man, I appreciate your thoughts.

I actually fucked an old fuck buddy of mine a few days ago, who I haven't seen since last summer. Wasn't that great though, I kept losing my erection half way through as kept thinking about my break up.

I had a date / hook up scheduled tomorrow from a dating app, but I decided to cancel it. Because the date is a 38 year old average looking chick, and I realised that I am in no mood to just fuck random mediocre washed up 30 something year old women any longer - because I know that from LTR perspective I will never want to be with them.

I spent so much time, emotional energy and dedication with this Turkish girl over the last 12 months, had some intense experiences with her. Not with any one girl before I spent so much time together. I guess I am simply getting older, and my priorities have changed. I am realising casual hook ups are like smoke and ashes compared to being with one person.

In hundreds of swipes on many dating apps, I can barely get a single match with a half decent looking girl under 30 nowdays.

During 2017-2022, I did reasonably on apps (nothing spectacular), but in recent years it has dried up almost completely.

With daygame, I spent 4 hours last weekend only to get 2 numbers that don't respond - the usual story since I started in 2010.

To compound things: in my mind, I always had an "ideal" image of a woman for me in terms of her ethnicity / background and language (that matches my own). And the simple fact is that the percentage of such women (and people in general) with such criteria is small, in UK at least. Searching for her in UK is like for a needle in a haystack. I came to conclusion a long time ago that I unless I move out of UK, or take some other radical life altering action, I will simply not come across many women of my original background.

This Turk girl is not pure Turkish, a part of her ancestry is kinda close to my own, which also gave her extra "points" from me, and there are some other reasons which made me consider her seriously...

Yes the above is normal... Post break up there will be s drop in your game... Is normal cause you are healing... Taking a break is ok too..to improve fundies and other aspects of life... Break up is a time for growth...

 

[HeartOfChaos]

Whatever I have seen from girls going no contact on me.

Try to be as warm as possible over text but keep text super short.

Mostly they come back around in 20-30 days.

Or at least respond

try to move to call as quickly as possible

but don’t be over emotional or sour on them

Also, somehow bringing back shared memory over text does not work

So to clarify, they go no contact on you first? And then you reach out first or them?