Break Ups Got suddenly dumped by an one year LTR girl with depression

[HeartOfChaos]

Thanks a lot for your detailed reply!

-What you should do now is reach out to her casually.

Something simple and clean like, “Hey x. How are you holding up?”

Do you think that simply messaging her now and getting to the point very quickly like Chase said ("Hey, we should talk when you are back"), then waiting for till she comes (and when I am back as well) and actually trying to have conversation like you suggested in person not a good idea?

She's away at the moment, and I'll prob be away soon for a bit too, so realistically we won't be able to meet for 3-4 more weeks.

Let her respond. Ask what she’s up to now, and then call her.

One thing: we barely ever talked on the phone. But we texted daily. She called me just a couple of times (when she was super stressed about something / needed to clarify something quickly). I never ever initiated any calls.

Also: I am not that great on the phone with emotional intimate conversations. But I can try. Do you think this conversation can be handled via purely text?

Her inability to articulate how she feels is classic alexythymic behavior, and she will latch on to the closest stressor in order to explain it, but even she herself isn’t sure what she’s saying is correct.

Yeah, not sure if this is a symptom of Aspergers or just her not having a great command ofverbal English (remember it's her 2nd language, she's only lived here for like 2 years). But she understands speech, knows all the slang / Gen Z lingo near perfectly and reads everything fine. Just has significant difficulty expressing herself / articulating anything to me or to others. But when she speaks in Turkish to her family (on phone) and her therapist she seems more at ease and more articulate.

 

[Rakehell]

Do you think that simply messaging her now and getting to the point very quickly like Chase said ("Hey, we should talk when you are back"), then waiting for till she comes (and when I am back as well) and actually trying to have conversation like you suggested in person not a good idea?

She's away at the moment, and I'll prob be away soon for a bit too, so realistically we won't be able to meet for 3-4 more weeks.

I mean it could work, personally I think the danger and damage will come from too much non engagement and her reaching an emotional equilibrium without you in the picture.

In my opinion capitalizing on the heightened emotions from the impromptu breakup is the best play, versus letting her cement that “its over” emotionally.

It could even be the case right now and that will be much harder if not impossible to flip. Especially with her friends and family around to supplement her sense of well being.

Which sucks because the time of the breakup was near a time she could better process it (through her support system).

Im not the kind of person who leaves things to chance, if I were you I’d strike while the irons hot. Ideally it should have happened within the first 4 days.

One thing: we barely ever talked on the phone. But we texted daily. She called me just a couple of times (when she was super stressed about something / needed to clarify something quickly). I never ever initiated any calls.

Also: I am not that great on the phone with emotional intimate conversations. But I can try. Do you think this conversation can be handled via purely text?

Play to your strengths and whats most familiar to her. I’m more persuasive vocally than over text, but if that’s what she’s most familiar with and fond of it could play more to your advantage.

Maybe ask for some small compliance before getting into the deeper stuff so the vocal familiarity and the feelings that come with it still land.

i.e she tells you how shes been etc, and in your response you include something like, “It feels weird not hearing your voice for so long, can you send me a voice memo?”

then respond to her memo with your own voice and then go into getting her back.

The point of the voice is to remind her body of the good feelings associated with it.

 

[Will_V]

Hi, ok, so I am shit at summarising. What is written below is rather detailed,as close as possible to what happened in days after break up:

Ok, so: break up night of 27 July. We were meant to go to beach next day. I went by myself instead (she knows I always like going out in nature on my own, she even said to me while breaking up "you should go to sea tomorrow...")

I messaged her the beach pic saying "lovely place. Feels somehow more peaceful than the beach we've been to last week". She "liked" the pic with heart emojis and replied "yeah, its because I am not there to fuck up your mood " - a short neutral exchange of a few messages or so follows, with another pic from me that she responds with a heart emoji

- she always tends to often use emojis and have brief word responses - as she always put it, she is not good at articulating her thoughts and views in written communication (she isn't good at articulating them in person too by the way)


29 July: I sent her a pic of my house interior with some text "this is why I couldn't invite you to mine all this time blah blah" -in context, she was complaining that I don't invite her to mine, only go to hers, and this is one of the reasons she always cited during the break up now and in May. I explained why before (my house has all sorts of modifications, repair shit etc, and other reasons, and so I had a legitimate reason not to invite her) , but I don't think she ever really accepted this. On day of break up I offered to send her a pic as a "proof".

She responds "yeah you really should sort this out....Also I hate to say this but please stop texting me for a while...I dont want to drag this any more"

Me: "Fine... All this time I was asking you to delay your flight home because I wanted to spend the anniversary with you and make it special. Have a good time back home and get in touch later if up for resetting things"

She: (in response to my have a good time and get in touch later)... I know you did and I am sorry it had to be like this. I hope you have a good time in your trips... I want you to be happy and good"

Me: "Thanks, blah blah" positive neutral tone
Her "Yeah blah blah" - positive neutral tone
Me: "Try some yoga postures in Turkey I taught you and send me a pic"
Her:


30 July

Her: "Hi blah blah just found out I have a yeast infection. Just wanted to let you know"
Me: thanking her for letting me know, a few messages back and forth about the potential infection and ending with "recover soon"
Her:

31 July:

Me: "look...Despite everything let's meet this weekend and do something nice? We should try instead of giving up"
Her: "I need to think... I don't know"
Me: "Nothing to overthink, just need to act"
Her: "yeah dont wanna give you false hope... I want to hang out but I made up my mind"
Me "I want to give us a chance to build something beautiful together"
Her: "I can't do it... I am sorry"
Me : "I am not gonna pressure you... I want you to feel good about me. Think about it and we can meet when you are back in town"
Her:

1 Aug: I sent her a pic of new sneakers I bought - because that's what we talked about in weeks prior, I wanted to get new ones and she was asking "can I come and choose sneakers with you". Briefconversation about them ensues, seems neutral, again with her sending her usual emojis

3 Aug - one year anniversary day

Me :"Hey, I am taking a walk in centre... Still not up for joining?"
Her: "No sorry"

This is when I write the card and the letter Skills suggested and drop in her letterbox later that day. The letter basically said

"I bought this card for you 2 weeks ago, wanted to give it you on anniversary and say how much I loved you blah blah...I was trying to understand the reasons for what happened... I get it now... I should have paid more attention to what you tried to say...Should have tried meeting your friends, your brother, your family perhaps.. once I realised I was serious about you I should have been more upfront... I wanted to, but it was all a bit difficult with my situation and I thought you wanted to hide me from your parents for a while...Perhaps the biggest mistake I made was blaming it all on your depression rather than what you actually tried to tell me...I truly hope your health recovers"

4 Aug:

Her: "Hi, I got your card, was unexpected. Was unexpected Thank you for understanding. I saw you tried to help me in every way. I appreciate that. I truly wish you to be happy and find an amazing partner who loves you the way you deserve to be loved. Thank you for great memories "

Me: "Thank you... I wish you success with everything"
Her: "Likewise "

That was our last communication. Next day I know she was flying back to home to her parents. So she is at home at her parents now.




Yeah, that's what I thought myself earlier and Chase said this too. Skills seems to be of a different opinion...




Yeah, I think so. She is not really a party girl, more of a homebody. Tends to spent a lot of time with her mum / family, and some close girl friends from her childhood days. Has few if any male acquaintances or friends. The impression I got is that she and her family in general aren't the most social butterflies.

Just a quick comment on this: you have put yourself firmly in the chase frame here.

a) you've been the one to initiate contact every time
b) you've made it clear that you want the whole nine yards with her, while she's not even sure she wants to see you again
c) you have asked for things and she has 'refused' you multiple times, which damages your frame

you cannot continue with this and expect anything to change, it will only get worse.

Think about the way you feel right now - thinking about her all the time, anxiously trying to get her back, trying to find ways to interest her again. That's how you want her to feel. And there's no way she can feel that unless she believes you are willing to let her go, unless she feels that you are ok without her but she's not ok without you.

As they say if you can't walk away from a deal you don't have any power at all. And you certainly can't sway someone who's on the fence about you.

I know you feel like it'd be hard to get another girl like her. But remember at the end of the day, she wants to be with a guy who can find ten girls like her, and you want to be the sort of guy who can find ten girls like her, and all the other ten girls want guys who can find ten other girls like her. So what do you think the solution is here?

 

[HeartOfChaos]

Just a quick comment on this: you have put yourself firmly in the chase frame here.

a) you've been the one to initiate contact every time
b) you've made it clear that you want the whole nine yards with her, while she's not even sure she wants to see you again
c) you have asked for things and she has 'refused' you multiple times, which damages your frame

One thing here about a) - I was the one who initiated contact with her 95% of time since the day we met. So not really unusual here.

She is just very passive. She hardly ever messaged first ever.

 

[Will_V]

One thing here about a) - I was the one who initiated contact with her 95% of time since the day we met. So not really unusual here.

She is just very passive. She hardly ever messaged first ever.

I'm not sure she would be that passive if you had set up the right frame from the get go, but perhaps it is so.

There are good ways to initiate contact without losing the frame though. Like teasing her right off the bat, giving her implicit commands (I like what you did telling her to send you a pic of her yoga), or just being completely ambivalent about the state of the relationship and wanting to chat about random stuff you both used to like chatting about.

What you do NOT want is for her to look at the phone, see something from you, and think "oh here we go again he's gonna try and patch things up with me. He really does want me badly doesn't he". You do want her to be curious and wonder what it is you're after.

Sounds mean but you'd feel the same way in her shoes, girls get turned on by having to work for a guy, and turned off when he's at her mercy. It goes right down into female biology and you can't do anything about it.

 

[Teevster]

@HeartOfChaos it’s going to sound sort of off-putting, and I’d brought this up before, but I’m 95% sure your girl has aspengers.

Her behavior inside of the relationship, who she was before it, and her ongoing “mental health” struggle, lines up pretty cookie cutter with the diagnosis.

Meaning that she almost certainly has OCD. Which can be troublesome if she’s unaware and dealing with intrusive thoughts directed at your relationship.

Neither to be mistaken with the sitting in a corner with headphones on, or needing your house to be cleaned in a certain way generalizations.

These things are important for maintaining the relationship. Distinguishing actual problems within the relationship, from her internal dysregulation latching on to perceived problems in order to explain her feelings in a logical way.

Her inability to articulate how she feels is classic alexythymic behavior, and she will latch on to the closest stressor in order to explain it, but even she herself isn’t sure what she’s saying is correct.

When you reinforce how she’s feeling by arguing against it, or overly reassuring/validating how she feels, it serves as a confirmation for her.

These things are important in terms of maintaining the relationship, and avoiding the dreaded misunderstandings that will inevitably cause situations like this.

Top notch analysis.

-Teevster

 

[HeartOfChaos]

I mean it could work, personally I think the danger and damage will come from too much non engagement and her reaching an emotional equilibrium without you in the picture.

In my opinion capitalizing on the heightened emotions from the impromptu breakup is the best play, versus letting her cement that “its over” emotionally.

It could even be the case right now and that will be much harder if not impossible to flip. Especially with her friends and family around to supplement her sense of well being.

Which sucks because the time of the breakup was near a time she could better process it (through her support system).

Im not the kind of person who leaves things to chance, if I were you I’d strike while the irons hot. Ideally it should have happened within the first 4 days.

Play to your strengths and whats most familiar to her. I’m more persuasive vocally than over text, but if that’s what she’s most familiar with and fond of it could play more to your advantage.

Maybe ask for some small compliance before getting into the deeper stuff so the vocal familiarity and the feelings that come with it still land.

i.e she tells you how shes been etc, and in your response you include something like, “It feels weird not hearing your voice for so long, can you send me a voice memo?”

then respond to her memo with your own voice and then go into getting her back.

The point of the voice is to remind her body of the good feelings associated with it.

Right. So I just messaged her using your suggestion “hey how are you holding up?”.

Let’s just see how if / she responds in her typical way (which is quite often “I feel like shit” when I ask her how she is).

 

[Rakehell]

Yeah, not sure if this is a symptom of Aspergers or just her not having a great command ofverbal English (remember it's her 2nd language, she's only lived here for like 2 years). But she understands speech, knows all the slang / Gen Z lingo near perfectly and reads everything fine. Just has significant difficulty expressing herself / articulating anything to me or to others. But when she speaks in Turkish to her family (on phone) and her therapist she seems more at ease and more articulate.

I’m well versed at spotting the symptoms in women at this point. You will just have to trust my judgement on this.

Right. So I just messaged her using your suggestion “hey how are you holding up?”.

Let’s just see how if / she responds in her typical way (which is quite often “I feel like shit” when I ask her how she is).

How she badly she feels is a far away second concern, and part of the reason you all reached this point.

Going forward with your interactions with her you need to be somewhat of an anchoring force.

You need to know you alls relationship and yourself for her, so that when she spirals out you can hold steady and ground her with your presence.

Think of your relationship up to this point like a life raft in a sea of her emotions, when her emotions spike she flips out and tries to capsize you both.

You need to be solid enough to not let her drown you in struggling to pull her up, so that she can climb aboard herself.

Eventually reaching the point where you are a ship and she’s the passenger, and no amount of her dysregulation can move you.

 

[HeartOfChaos]

I’m well versed at spotting the symptoms in women at this point. You will just have to trust my judgement on this.

How she badly she feels is a far away second concern, and part of the reason you all reached this point.

Going forward with your interactions with her you need to be somewhat of an anchoring force.

You need to know you alls relationship and yourself for her, so that when she spirals out you can hold steady and ground her with your presence.

Well, the good thing for now is that she is responded to my message already at her usual fast pace

 

[Rakehell]

Well, the good thing for now is that she is responded to my message already at her usual fast pace

Then youve got her. Follow the process as I outlined but still be responsive, don’t over think it.

 

[HeartOfChaos]

Then youve got her. Follow the process as I outlined but still be responsive, don’t over think it.

Haha the overthinking part is what’s killing me!

Funny. I haven’t been in such a situation for many years, thinking what to write and how not to put my foot wrong.

basically I asked how she is, she like “I’m ok, what about you”. We just exchanging some messages (that I ate some of her fav sweet food today, she saying she’s gaining weight and cutting sugar sadly, I’m teasing that there’s must be space in her belly left for a diet biscuit)…

Do you think it’s a good idea to switch to a more sentimental frame soon like in the “prescription “ you gave earlier and say that I’ve been catching myself thinking about her blah blah?

 

[Rakehell]

Haha the overthinking part is what’s killing me!

Funny. I haven’t been in such a situation for many years, thinking what to write and how not to put my foot wrong.

basically I asked how she is, she like “I’m ok, what about you”. We just exchanging some messages (that I ate some of her fav sweet food today, she saying she’s gaining weight and cutting sugar sadly, I’m teasing that there’s must be space in her belly left for a diet biscuit)…

Do you think it’s a good idea to switch to a more sentimental frame soon like in the “prescription “ you gave earlier and say that I’ve been catching myself thinking about her blah blah?

i preempted for her likely responses in my posts, just re read them and take a breather before responding, thats the beauty of texts. But do keep up the momentum, you honestly dont need any input from me if you follow the program and dont get sucked into anything too off topic.

Lead the conversation

 

[HeartOfChaos]

I’m well versed at spotting the symptoms in women at this point. You will just have to trust my judgement on this.

I trust your judgement, but I am wondering what made you so sure after I written out the details of my communication with her post-break up?

What symptoms specifically?

 

[Skills]

too many chefs in the kitchen, this is why i hate forums.... Anyways, follow one set of advice and go with it...

now you mix what i told you with what someone else told you.... so i am totally out!