A Weird Psychological Problem

[Suave]

I've recently been indulging in a lot of "being myself" and challenging my comfort zone. Now, I am socially much more relaxed and confident.

However, one problem remains; See, I've always been the nicest and the most shy guy around, because of the environment I grew up in, I guess and I started approaching girls early on, as in from the time when I started reading GC, from that time, many approaches have gone really good, a few went awkward and weird and there was another problem with me of overthinking.

I'd go out and get a good interaction, I'd be happier than ever! Although, if I approached and it fell flat, I'd keep thinking and thinking and thinking and make matters really worse up in my head.
I recently realised this and consciously tried thinking less about stuff, IT WORKED! Now I am much less tensed than I used to be and much more happier without any sort of stimulation. (There's a YouTube channel by the name of "Actualized.org" which really helped me.)

Now the thing is, "EMOTIONS". Due to that over thinking back then, which made me feel awful about rejections, now, when I think about approaching, those same emotions show up. It appears like a neuronal circuit, one thing leads to the other. I feel really awkward about this.

Is there anything I can do or is it just an "excuse" to not approach?

TY.

 

[DLegend]

This happens to me aswell.

The trick is to combine Psychology, with your Logical mind to create whichever emotion you want.

Ricardus specializes in doing this:

https://www.girlschase.com/content/how-p ... tor-part-i

Make sure you read the whole series, goodluck!

-DL

 

[Drck]

" .... Although, if I approached and it fell flat, I'd keep thinking and thinking and thinking and make matters really worse up in my head .... "

That is because your thinking was too negative, you were thinking about negative outcome over and over, you beat yourself down... When you stopped thinking this negative way, all of the sudden "it worked" again... Your brain simply neutralized the outcome because - as you say - you are nice/positive guy.

I don't know your exact words, but here are some negative examples that could keep you down:

* I approached but it didn't work, I messed up, approaching is just pointless (pessimism, you want to give up)
* I can't do anything right, I screwed up again (negativity, beating yourself down)
* It's my fault that it didn't go the right way, I messed up so many things (the same, beating yourself down)
* Getting rejected feels so awful, I just don't want to be rejected again (now you are associating emotional pain with approaching girls, thus next time you won't feel good about approaching; you won't want to approach)
* All interaction with girls have to be great, and I should be happier than ever (you are setting yourself up for failure because the reality is that it doesn't work like that - you won't be happy all the time because some interactions will always go wrong)
* I always want to be happy about interactions with girls (the same, setting yourself up for failure)

When you repeat it couple of times it is no big deal, but if you keep repeating it in loops as you say, over and over for longer time, it does have negative effect. It is indeed a neuronal circut that is being strenghtened by those repetitions, and you are associating emotional pain with approaching.

For example:
1. First you set yourself up for failure by expecting that all the interactions with girls will go great. Some do, so you feel great, no big deal. But others don't, so now you go automatically to "flat" mode. Your brain is confused now because it expected great time - yet the reality proved to be different...
2. Then you keep repeating negative statements in loops, over and over, which will make you feel negative, awkward about it...

So simply change those negative thoughts, e.g.:
* It is ok if all interactions are not so great, some are great and others are simply not
* Getting rejected is ok, no big deal, it is just a part of progress
* It is just fine if I approach and it doesn't work, another ones will work, and those that work are great

Now you can see that the loop is totally different, now it is no big deal if you get rejected or if the interaction isn't great. You want to focus your loop on those that are great, and kind of ignore those that didn't end up being so good...

 

[Suave]

This happens to me aswell.

The trick is to combine Psychology, with your Logical mind to create whichever emotion you want.

Ricardus specializes in doing this:

https://www.girlschase.com/content/how-p ... tor-part-i

Make sure you read the whole series, goodluck!

-DL

Thanks mate, I'm reading up on it, hope it works.

" .... Although, if I approached and it fell flat, I'd keep thinking and thinking and thinking and make matters really worse up in my head .... "

That is because your thinking was too negative, you were thinking about negative outcome over and over, you beat yourself down... When you stopped thinking this negative way, all of the sudden "it worked" again... Your brain simply neutralized the outcome because - as you say - you are nice/positive guy.

I don't know your exact words, but here are some negative examples that could keep you down:

* I approached but it didn't work, I messed up, approaching is just pointless (pessimism, you want to give up)
* I can't do anything right, I screwed up again (negativity, beating yourself down)
* It's my fault that it didn't go the right way, I messed up so many things (the same, beating yourself down)
* Getting rejected feels so awful, I just don't want to be rejected again (now you are associating emotional pain with approaching girls, thus next time you won't feel good about approaching; you won't want to approach)
* All interaction with girls have to be great, and I should be happier than ever (you are setting yourself up for failure because the reality is that it doesn't work like that - you won't be happy all the time because some interactions will always go wrong)
* I always want to be happy about interactions with girls (the same, setting yourself up for failure)

When you repeat it couple of times it is no big deal, but if you keep repeating it in loops as you say, over and over for longer time, it does have negative effect. It is indeed a neuronal circut that is being strenghtened by those repetitions, and you are associating emotional pain with approaching.

For example:
1. First you set yourself up for failure by expecting that all the interactions with girls will go great. Some do, so you feel great, no big deal. But others don't, so now you go automatically to "flat" mode. Your brain is confused now because it expected great time - yet the reality proved to be different...
2. Then you keep repeating negative statements in loops, over and over, which will make you feel negative, awkward about it...

So simply change those negative thoughts, e.g.:
* It is ok if all interactions are not so great, some are great and others are simply not
* Getting rejected is ok, no big deal, it is just a part of progress
* It is just fine if I approach and it doesn't work, another ones will work, and those that work are great

Now you can see that the loop is totally different, now it is no big deal if you get rejected or if the interaction isn't great. You want to focus your loop on those that are great, and kind of ignore those that didn't end up being so good...

That sure actually seems to be the issue as well, I'm working on it by consciously changing my mindset and trying outcome independemce, let's see how it goes.