I wrote it myself- it's my not for profit blog on men's dating - i just post my thoughts from time to time , i am not a coach or product seller i just like to vent my posts and links from time to time
I wrote a second article on Johnny's death here
Disclaimer: Im not a dating coach im just a dating blogger who’s had some experience in the field who writes his own shit re dating , the sexual market etc. For those wondering I spend around 80 p…
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The men’s dating and self development scene has lost a lot in recent years when you combine deaths by health problems , suicide , retirements its been a rough 7 or 8 years when you accumulate all the madness that has unfolded. Leaving behind a community that is stricken of its once leaders the PUA space has definitely lost it’s mojo - its sense of community . Johnny Berba’s the latest casualty in an ever more tumultuous manosphere environment that continues to lose key figureheads.
Both had a history of anxiety and depression
Tom’s was developed early like Johnny’s - he suffered from social anxiety growing up and documents how it took over his life at Oxford University. Johnny too grew up being bullied with a lot of social anxiety - it could be said though that Johnny’s childhood was a lot rougher - with him suffering parental abuse similar to Sasha Daygame and Ex-The Natural Lifestyles coach Johnathan Neil Thomsen . It’s also noted in Johnny’s blog that he had a run in with the law when he was 19 . Johnny’s mental health issues seemed more complicated - with OCD taking control over him especially in his most recent Youtube Vlogs.
Face to Face meet up in person
I met both of them in 2018 and- even though it was way before the passing of both I’d have to say Tom was the better spoken of the two and seemed far more present and positive . Johnny seemed mentally insecure and frantic even back in 2018 - often stuttering , complaining that his results weren’t as good as the early 2010s , Johnny also appeared poorly dressed and badly groomed which was ironic for a dating coach you’d expect him to have at least these things in order. I mean you don’t have to meet him in person to see that this guy looked mentally done visibly. I never daygamed with Johnny but two of my wings did receive coaching from him one who actually wingmaned with him noted that Johnny would spam approach often even attracting the attention of security guards in Covent Garden. It seemed after 13 years as a social coach Johnny still had an issue with social self awareness.
In Terms of Impact
No doubt Tom’s was greater - he had around 80k YouTube subs before his demise whilst Johnny sat at a around 36k- both suffered from Youtube’s crack down on PUA content with Johnny seeing a notably drop in views which no doubt compounds to a drop in clientele - Johnny had financial issues too which may have been as a result of the diminished viewership. Amongst my wingmen Tom’s podcasts were often listened to and he even spoke at the 21 Convention with a host of books published in addition to this. Johnny never was called up to speak at the elite level men’s conferences as far as a I am aware he had no podcasts though he did have a forum which got some viewership - his most impactful YouTube videos between 2010 and 2017 have since been taken down.
Different reasons for the suicide - one by mental health the other by the mainstream media Crusade
I’d say Danya Hajjaji was most definitely responsible for Tom Torero’s death- the feminist media crusade that exposed Tom resulted in his PayPal being blocked and his YouTube channel deleted - it seemed that his mode of income was ruined as a result of this and with his real name exposed it would be difficult for him to revamp his career doing other jobs- once you’re exposed as a pua coach who voice records sexual interactions your career in the real world is most likely done. It was difficult in his 40s to reinvent himself after this of course it would be for anyone.
As far as I am aware there was no media persecution of Johnny. It seems though the financial issues were getting to him judging by his public YouTube videos of him fearing prison due to tax debt and this coupled with his OCD was taking it’s toll. It’s pretty noticeable from his weight loss and facial expressions in his recent YouTube videos that he had had mental issues- meeting Tom in 2018 and from reports of those who winged with him his mental issues weren’t apparent in his later years although he did seemingly live in isolation in his last year of his life he spent day gaming in France and Switzerland and recording his podcasts- seemingly doing a lot of daygame without any wingmen or male company this sort of isolation could be seen as symptomatic of a depressed individual but maybe I am clutching at straws?
Both were Pro-Self Help but even more so Johnny
Both Tom and Johnny reiterated a work ethic and never give up attitude in their podcasts. Tom expressed the importance of improving options and approaching consistently . Johnny seemingly muttered 13 years of self help content - going through the cliche discussions on his videos of “never give up” or “persistence is everything” attitude .
Tom did attack the self industry as another form of his clients procrastinating from actually approaching and I’d probably agree with that- I see a lot of people capable of approaching women but never do so prioritising other things. Despite both preaching a never give up attitude they did ironically both give up. Showing the importance of not taking self help gurus too seriously as most of them will probably have bigger problems than us and most of them probably don't even take the advice that they dish out .
Both seemingly didn’t have a backup plan after pua
With many factors destroying the industry that I discuss in this article
why the men's Pua Industry has declined incomes in the PUA space had been going down- I had a wingman who worked for TNL (The Natural Lifestyles0 who noted that the business was slow post covid- a combination of factors- online dating, lower testosterone, rising autism rates, Rise of Red pill esque procrastination , Me Too etc. had crushed the dating industry and the men’s self community . This no doubt must have harmed the sales of both with them being incapable of coaching live for a year or so due to covid. No doubt the loss in revenue must have affected Johnny - with both suffering shadow banning from main stream media reducing their YouTube plays - Johnny’s YouTube channel who’s new videos would only gain around 100 plays each- Not really the quantity needed to garner new clients.
Tom’s loss of his PayPal account , YouTube channel and the vilification from mainstream media clearly took it’s toll. The stark reminder that dating coaching is vulnerable to cancelation/media ridicule at any time- both suffered from YouTube strikes on PUA content - more so Tom than Johnny but even Johnny’s viewership had dropped to very low levels.
Johnny Seemed to be more health conscious than Tom
Johnny seemed to blog regularly about running and hitting the gym and losing weight so much so that he seemed to lose too much weight- he looked very feeble despite hitting the gym consistently and he blogged about eating healthy consistently . Tom on the other didn’t do these things - he continued to drink and rarely if ever blogged about healthy eating or gyming. Despite a lot of healthy habits it wasn’t enough to keep Johnny from succumbing to his OCD and mental health issues. Proof that self help just isn’t enough some times and some people need help in other ways - imagine being in self help for 13 years and still unable to help yourself- a stark reminder of those who chose to get in bed with self help gurus a lot of them most likely have bigger problems than you yourself ever will. I personally had some similar challenges to Johnny with pornography but I never had parental abuse or a prostitution addiction that Johnny had.
Both Struggled to Maintain social circles or LTR
Despite both being dating coaches for over a decade I still found it weird that neither had women or a proper social circle to call onto . Tom endured a divorce in his early 20's and I believe Johnny garnered his first girlfriend from daygame in his mid 20s which ended in a matter of months but I mean if I had been doing daygame for 13 years even poorly I would have at least some women to call upon in my time of need? Johnny seemingly had no one and Tom too. I find this a massive shame but also an example how even the most prominent of dating coaches may themselves have chaotic dating and social lives. Look at how many coaches in the mainstream have undergone divorces - Neil Strauss, Mystery and James Marshall being three obvious names. Ross Jefferies too recently had a breakup - despite being world renowned coaches all of them are seemingly single without a proper LTR. Women aren’t everything but a good ride or die woman can really help you get out of a rut and some can really open the doors to a better life and social circle for you. The fact that both Tom and Johnny were living in apparent isolation before their deaths- Tom day gaming on his own seemingly for 6 straight months and Johnny vlogging about his gym and OCD alone shows its a shame two seemingly social dating coaches were living in such isolation . Had they had the support of a solid LTR or a social circle then maybe their lives could’ve been saved.
Concluding thoughts:
It’s a shame that two of the most prominent UK dating coaches have both killed themselves - Tom Torero was a huge influence on my life and whilst I don’t like Johnny’s game it’s clear he had a huge impact too with both my wingmen who coached under him getting success . Their suicides show the importance of a strong work ethic but more so always be self aware of your problems and really asses them because if you don’t they can consume you. Maybe they were both in too deep of the pua bandwagon to get out of it and I hope they serve as a warning to those getting involved in dating coaching of the risks attaches of staying in the game too long and procrastinating with the issues at hand. But sometimes self help , mediation, gym isn’t enough sometimes it might be deeper psychiatric help or a more refined lifestyle or diet or preparing better for the worse to happen (i.e having a backup plan if the pua/men’s self development scene goes bust which I believe it has) All in all there are deep lessons that I have learnt from Johnny and Tom’s death and I won’t forget the importance of said lessons in my life. Whether or not you were a fan of either they serve a stark reminder of the dark rabbit whole the self development and men’s dating industry can lead to - not to say you shouldn’t get involved in daygame as I believe it’s one of the most wonderful things a man can do - but to be self aware of your issues at hand and real asses and work on them without them consuming you before it’s too late.
