Asian Dilemma

[konichiwa21]

Hi all,
Wish anyone can give a good piece of advice on this matter.
I come to U.S as foreign exchange student from japan, and I've been here for more than three years.
I'm really having a hard time on socializing in English. Each time when I approach to anyone who i just want to speak causally, i will get instant rejection. I don't get that.
Why?
I wish anyone from U.S can answer me. Thank you.

 

[PinotNoir]

What time of day are you approaching (night or day)?
How are you approaching?
Where are you approaching them (library, bookstore, bar, etc.)?

I'd suggest just really upping your style. Get an amazing haircut. Get amazing clothes.

Think of it this way... if a hot girl approached a guy but didn't know any English, he'd spend the whole day trying to talk with her.

Lastly, try to make some friends at your school -- some good guy friends. You're really battling two things here: College Game and Foreign Game. I think you're going to have to up your social value and really work on building up yourself socially.

 

[konichiwa21]

Hi PinotNoir,

Thanks for the comment.
It mostly happens at day time after class. I start off by asking something relate to the class, because I don't know what else we have in common and what they would be interested in. But they usually just say "good, not bad" and walk away fast as if they were embarrassed talking to me.

It makes sense if you put it that way, but does guy choose friends base on appearance?I know girls do. I know I'm not handsome and good looking, but I don't think I'm that bad looking or ugly. If its possible, I do want to make some good guy friends and female friends, but its so much harder than taking advance classes.

How can i improve my social value? Could you give me some examples? Thank you

Konichiwa21

 

[PinotNoir]

You know, I may be out of my league here. I haven't been in college in almost 4 years, and I'm not Asian. I hope that someone else comes along and gives you good advice.

However, I will give you my advice anyway.

First, let's upgrade the basics. With just a simple Google search, here's what I found for hair:

http://www.mens-hairstyle.com/asian-men-hair-trends-2013.html

I personally like this guy's the best:

If you like it too, just bring this picture to a good salon and ask them to cut your hair like this and buy some hair product.

I also like his clothes. Collared shirt. Skinny, black tie. Grey sweater. Nice ring on the finger. Eyes are level (not looking down), and he's got a small smirk (half-smile) on his face. This guy is getting sex with a pretty girl tonight. Be this guy.

Do you have any Asian role models? Any guys in movies or TV or in the music industry that just exude sex appeal to you? If so, try to emulate them.

Read these for more basics:
Newbie Assignment
College Pickup

Don't read too much and get caught up too much on reading and data overload, but definitely read the beginner's and basics articles.

Lastly, with clothes, I don't suggest suits for college. This guy's okay because has a sweater and not a suit jacket, but the tie may be a little too much. Buy collared shirts and jeans. Small size. Tight fitting. Even if you're fat or super skinny, get clothes that fit tight (not too tight though). Buy a nice ring or a bracelet. Money can be tight in college, so try outlet stores. Chase recommended Guess! to me. They have a discounted section in the back (at least where I live), and it's great.

Next. You're foreign. This adds mystery and intrigue, but it also means you have to approach a little warmer. I suggest a little warmer smile, else you come off a little too intimidating.

Work on making your voice a little deeper and warmer. Again, a movie actor will be great to emulate.

After just a quick search, I like this actor's voice (Takeshi Kaneshiro):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ueLfruLfVw

And, don't be afraid to make fun of yourself:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=POoe6cIYP6s

Lastly, posture and speed. Stand up straight, look ahead, and move slowly.

Now on to approach. Since direct approach doesn't seem to be working that well, I say we go with indirect. You also have the benefit of being foreign and being able to pretend that you need help. Here's a way you can either make friends or get dates:

You: "Hi, excuse me, can you help me find the library?"
Her: "Yeah, sure, it's right over there."
You: "Oh, thank you. By the way, I am <Name>. What's your name?"
Her: "<Name>"
You: "It's nice to meet you. I'm new at school and trying to make some friends."
Her: "Oh, that's cool."
You: "I was so busy with finding the library... I didn't even realize how pretty you are."
Her: "Really! Haha, thank you."
You: "Would you like to hang out some time?"

The girl will need to be standing around. If she's walking to some place, it'll be hard to converse well. Look for a girl that's just standing around waiting for something or who is just studying outside.

To help with English, I recommend memorizing some default conversations that you may have.

You: "What's your major?"
Her: "Nursing."
You: "Ah, good, so you can save my life if I die from the exams tomorrow!"
Her: "Haha, well, I'm just learning."
You: "Why'd you pick nursing? You just love taking people's blood?"

Or something like that.

Finally... as far as friends, you're in luck. College is packed full of events going on. Go to all of them.

To be honest though, I met most of my friends in college playing soccer and in my dorm. There was a flier for pickup soccer games, so I went and played and met a lot of guys. Do whatever interests you and make friends there.

Just remember, college goes by fast, so don't waste a second!

 

[konichiwa21]

To PinotNoir,

Thanks for the valuable comment again.

Maybe I really should go hangout more instead of being at home. But first i'm going to get a hair cut.

Thanks again

konichiwa21

 

[thejourneyman]

I am also asian, and I also ran into the same situations and subsequently the same problems.
However, there are some easy first steps:

A. get out more! Since i assume you arent going out much, simply doing so massively increases the odds.
B. outer game is the easiest to fix, if you have the money. Get that (stylistic, not boring) haircut + nice attire + (nice) sneakers/casual dress shoes? i.e. boat shoes, or just google casual dress shoes.
C. People misunderstood me often because of my accent so I made a conscious effort (but not enough, imo) to change my accent. talking slower, louder helps with the accent, and also makes you look more confident. if you can record your own voice and see whats wrong.
D. Iuckily i am 6feet one so I have a height advantage? If you are thin, go work out. Google Starting strength.
E. as for the rest... read all the articles on this site. Best of luck!

 

[konichiwa21]

To thejourneymen,

Hi, it's very helpful to hear from someone who's been in same shoe.

Unfortunately, I'm only 5 foot 6 tall, but trying to get muscular by going to the gym everyday.

For my ascent, I have been trying to get rid of my Asian ascent since I got here since I'm here to study English. But not improving very well so far. I tried the recording too, but don't know how to te ascent I have used to for so many years.
It just takes so much effort and time to assimilate to a different culture, and money too.

I bought protein by the way, and planning to hit the gym staring from tomorrow. Thanks for the luck. I think I will need it.

Konichiwa21

 

[Ryan]

Hi Konichiwa21,

I don't know how it is in the US, but over here in the UK, girls absolutely adore East Asian men (especially the 16-20 range). So, maybe you could find some inspiration from the media and how they portray Asian men. Outside the cities, there are no Asians at all, and English girls will go crazy over them nevertheless because they think that all asian men are like the handsome samurai men from the movies (strong, straight to the point and determined), the Ninja, or the men from the TV series Ninja Warrior/Sasuke (popular over here in England). I'm not saying copy them completely, but have your edge/vibe influenced by them.

I realise i may have made several generalisations, but this is not an area i'm overly experienced with, and just my advice. Hope this helps.

 

[konichiwa21]

Hi Ryan,

I'm so happy to hear there is somewhere where women adore Asians, although it's hard to imagine. Generally, women has a preference for white people first, then African black, then finally Asian. It's always the Asians complain about their women being taken away by foreigners, you don't hear that from white people, or African black people unfortunately.

I want to transfer to uk school so bad right now.

Konichiwa21

 

[Zoro]

FYI I am NOT asian. Don't be fooled by my username.
I have however spent a month in Japan (incredible experience by the way)

That being said, I think you are downplaying a huge assess of yours. You're Japanese and that makes you exotic. Any girls interested in just you because you're foreign or asian, will find your foreign qualities very interesting and will expect and want to see them.

I don't think you need to get rid of your accent, you should however definitely keep improving your english to be understood as clearly as possible. If you are very easily understood with a hint of accent, depending on who you are talking to that could be very interesting. Especially if you work on creating a deep and powerful voice!

Also Japanese culture is just plain awesome. I know this from first hand experience. Embrace it and have pride in yourself and your country. If you want to assimilate into the US that is fine, but I would still keep some of your home with you.

You are going to have eyes on you simply because you're foreign. Make sure you tighten up your fundamentals, so when those eyes come to you, they notice a sexy man. Being foreign will polarize some girls interest, some will be very interested, some totally not. However, a sexy man is a sexy man.

 

[konichiwa21]

Hi J Wick,

I'm glad that you enjoyed the stay in Japan. Where did you go anyway?

Maybe you are right. Maybe I need to learn how to love myself the way that I am, (it's nothing shameful for who I am) and let the faith decides my future. I do believe in fate and destiny, but I also believe that it requires effort and time to get to a good end.

What I am most afraid of for now is that how can I survive and live happy outside after graduating from school if I can't even live well in the school campus. How can I get a girlfriend if I can't even make some same gender friends? I get very frustrated when I see my graduation is coming.

It's a tough question what qualities of you should keep and what should forgo to assimilating to a different culture.
Thanks for the faithful comment.

Konichiwa21

 

[Ryan]

Hi Ryan,

I'm so happy to hear there is somewhere where women adore Asians, although it's hard to imagine. Generally, women has a preference for white people first, then African black, then finally Asian. It's always the Asians complain about their women being taken away by foreigners, you don't hear that from white people, or African black people unfortunately.

I want to transfer to uk school so bad right now.

Konichiwa21

Generally, people prefer dating other races, but marrying their own race. This mentality is the same for asians (especially chinese and japanese) who'd much prefer to *marry* their own, but will go out with any foreign guy/girl if they were mildly attractive.

 

[Zoro]

I spent most of the my time in Tokyo but did a small road trip to the Sea of Japan and visited some temples. During my stay I learned ramen (real ramen) is amazing and I wish to go back when I can and learn the language.

I think the idea of embracing your culture is actually part of something deeper that everyone should do. Which is to embrace ourselves and grow what we already have going for us. That is to be conscious of what you are and how you can improve that. How can you mess with nature? It knows its stuff.

I think you are being too hard on yourself. You're here on this website, so you are obviously already taking steps to improve. You also have a lot of resources and a community here to help. Check yourself on what you already got instead of the mountain you have to climb. You're aware of what you want, going to school, probably ate today, and in a new country which is an adventure in of itself, not everyone can say that.

Now the flip side of this is that this journey is hard for a reason. A big part of doing these things is that most men are unable to overcome themselves. Being able to do so is what sets you apart. It will be hard, you might sweat, bleed, and cry, but you will get back up stronger and we will be here lending you a hand. Climb the mountain one step at a time.

 

[konichiwa21]

Hi Ryan,

It is true that Asians are very traditional creatures that are very confined to their family inherit beliefs and values, which makes it difficult when it comes choice in terms of culture. Many female Japanese friends I know got into quarrel with their parents because their parents disagree with their daughters dating foreigner.

But I get what you saying, we all have equal chances. But only if I'm attractive to the others (sad face), which I have been working on lately.

Thanks for the reply.

Konichiwa21

 

[konichiwa21]

Hi J Wick,

Often time, i really wish I can grow up like the others around me. Growing up in the same community, and going to the same school with old friends, and find jobs in the same area, so that i don't have to go through these troubles. But thanks for the encouraging comment. (A big part of doing these things is that most men are unable to overcome themselves. Being able to do so is what sets you apart.) They lift me up. I did sweat, cry, and bleed for the past years and still haven't climber over the mountain yet. Wish these all can be over soon with all the helps I can get here.

Konichiwa21

 

[thejourneyman]

just something i remembered:

if you are wearing glasses, drop them. get the contacts.
Its a small thing, but in college, theres just such a huge stigma associated with them.
And not sure if its just me, but the change in the way people interact with you when u have the whole outergame down is amazing. humans are visual creatures, especially against strangers =/

 

[PinotNoir]

In college, I think wearing glasses is fine, especially if they're stylish and chic. I more recommend ditching old style glasses, or any that are too big on you. In high school, glasses are probably an issue, but not in college in my experience.

Glasses look especially well in contrast to facial hair:

It's like rugged manliness with a soft side.

And even Asian guys can pull it off:

But even without facial hair, you can make it stylish (you still want the whole package: clothes, hair, etc.):

If you don't have a natural ability for seeing what looks good on you and do not have a friend to help, then I do suggest ditching the glasses, but it's not completely necessary (especially if contact lenses irritate your eyes).

As far as voice and culture, I agree with everyone else. Don't try to change it. Just try to emphasize the sexy parts of it. Don't lose your accent, but do try and make it deeper and slower.

 

[konichiwa21]

Hi the journeyman,

I could not agree more with you that human are visual creatures, which at the same time I hate of. After I got my haircut, there is an obvious change in how people response to me. I get more positive eye contacts and more active conversation, and classmates and teachers are more willing to help me when I ask them. I was astonished at the first time when they were trying to have conversation with me.

I thought about getting contact lens, but I have dry eye issues so I'm afraid I can't. But it's a great idea.

How often do you go to gym anyway? I looked up some sites that concern of fitness gives many different methods, and I don't know which one to follow.

Konichiwa21

 

[konichiwa21]

Hi pinotnoir,

I got my haircut, and I'm glad that got the haircut, but also disappointed at the same time, because the haircut I got at Japan (which cost me like 60USD) is less appealing than the haircut I got here( which cost me only 13USD) to Americans. I realize there is different standard for what is good looking in every countries.

I also got some new clothes at A&F and AE. I ask the sales to pick me some nice clothes since they might have better taste on clothing, and they were quite expensive. And I told them they were quite expensive, and they replied," you get what you pay." Speechless I got.

I'm planning to starting working on my tone after this week exam. But still have no clue what's the ideal voice.

Konichiwa21

 

[thejourneyman]

A&F is overpriced as all heck. I personally go to outlet stores where u can buy branded clothing for a slight discount.. but i actually dont focus on brand but focus on looks and fit. Thus, whenever I see a place with an ongoing sale I will definitely go in and take a look.

My favorite spots are outlet stores and Macy's in New York in the summer as they often have sales then.. you can check out other places ofc.

For me, I would strongly advise following the "Starting Strength" program - you get a well-designed workout regime that would make your entire body bulk up quickly, in proportion and relatively quickly if u follow the diet somewhat. Especially if you ramp up your protein intake. Starting Strength for the beginner would require 3 days a week with a rest day in between. I have been lifting for almost 5 years now, at 6'1 176lbs so I follow a more advanced regime, 4~5 days a week with highly focussed workouts on each body part. you should do the beginner starter strength first to get an idea what works and what does not. (http://startingstrength.wikia.com/wiki/ ... r_Programs), under Practical Programming Novice Program

As for contacts, i get dry eyes too, but I feel the difference in gains of just not wearing glasses is just so much that I sucked it up. Otherwise you should consider getting those hipstery, trendy glasses.