I was recently reading about "assertiveness" and "efficient communication" in several psychology books. The things I read about it sounded in many ways quite useful and legitimate to me. However, while the advice from these types of books can be useful for many areas of life (work, friendships etc) it is obviously often less applicable to seduction.
Roughly speaking "assertiveness" and "efficient communication" (at least the way they were used in these books) mean that when you want X you simply and straightforwardly say something like "I want X" instead of trying to get it by indirect and subtle remarks, manipulation or beating around the bush otherwise. Still without being aggressive, pushy or supplicating, but rather calm and polite, yet confident and clear.
Now on one hand I am aware that in certain situations it can be better to be more subtle about expressing your wishes and desires, as you otherwise may give away a lot of power, destroy the mystery and the challenge and/or make her feel uncomfortable (as for example with direct openers that exert to much pressure). Sometimes, and about certain topics, it is also simply uncalibrated to speak too directly (think of opening a woman on the street by telling her you want to sleep with her- sure, sometimes you would get a yes, but most of the times this is just totally uncalibrated and would obviously result in very bad reactions).
On the other hand, I also think that it can be quite attractive as it displays self-confidence ("this guy is not afraid to just ask for what he wants") and it can make things often much easier (for example, if you express interest in such an assertive way you almost completely eliminate the risk of auto-rejection or the risk of ending up in the friend-zone). Also, in the context of direct vs indirect openers it was mentioned how being indirect carries the risk of coming across as too afraid and too inhibited to show your interest (and hence weak) while being direct immediately brings the conversation in the right direction (and Chase once gave a nice comparison with chimpanzees, where the higher-ranking animals don't hide their erections, while the lower-ranking animals do).
So given these two sides of assertiveness, my question is in which situations would you recommend to be more assertive and when would you recommend to be more subtle/indirect? Are there ways to be assertive without giving away your power and destroying the mysteries and challenges for the girl? And do you have recommendations on how to become more assertive in a well-calibrated and effective way (for guys that are not used to being assertive with girls)? Maybe some concrete examples of phrases that are assertive yet well-calibrated and conducive to seduction?
Roughly speaking "assertiveness" and "efficient communication" (at least the way they were used in these books) mean that when you want X you simply and straightforwardly say something like "I want X" instead of trying to get it by indirect and subtle remarks, manipulation or beating around the bush otherwise. Still without being aggressive, pushy or supplicating, but rather calm and polite, yet confident and clear.
Now on one hand I am aware that in certain situations it can be better to be more subtle about expressing your wishes and desires, as you otherwise may give away a lot of power, destroy the mystery and the challenge and/or make her feel uncomfortable (as for example with direct openers that exert to much pressure). Sometimes, and about certain topics, it is also simply uncalibrated to speak too directly (think of opening a woman on the street by telling her you want to sleep with her- sure, sometimes you would get a yes, but most of the times this is just totally uncalibrated and would obviously result in very bad reactions).
On the other hand, I also think that it can be quite attractive as it displays self-confidence ("this guy is not afraid to just ask for what he wants") and it can make things often much easier (for example, if you express interest in such an assertive way you almost completely eliminate the risk of auto-rejection or the risk of ending up in the friend-zone). Also, in the context of direct vs indirect openers it was mentioned how being indirect carries the risk of coming across as too afraid and too inhibited to show your interest (and hence weak) while being direct immediately brings the conversation in the right direction (and Chase once gave a nice comparison with chimpanzees, where the higher-ranking animals don't hide their erections, while the lower-ranking animals do).
So given these two sides of assertiveness, my question is in which situations would you recommend to be more assertive and when would you recommend to be more subtle/indirect? Are there ways to be assertive without giving away your power and destroying the mysteries and challenges for the girl? And do you have recommendations on how to become more assertive in a well-calibrated and effective way (for guys that are not used to being assertive with girls)? Maybe some concrete examples of phrases that are assertive yet well-calibrated and conducive to seduction?