Because Cold Approach Can Disrupt Your Good Habits, Read This

Gentle_Phrases

Space Monkey
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.

This is important to understand about cold-approach if you are a beginner/are prepared to do hard core approaching day in and day out. Give thanks to GC user "Zac" for sharing the article I source. The average person only reads 20% of a post. I suggest you read this all because it is valuable and short!


Cliff notes:

1. Social exclusion reduces your willingness to self-regulate, which is necessary to your well-being in general - socially, physically, spiritually. Cold approach involves lots of social exclusion.
2. Be Aware of the cumulative effects of rejection during an extended period of daily cold-approaching. Are you keeping up your good habits?
3. Beware of allowing rejection to become your default social expectation. It's bad for your head.



Social exclusion reduces people's willingness to self-regulate: http://www.apa.org/monitor/apr05/exclusion.aspx

From the article

As it turned out, people who were told they'd be alone in life were less able to regulate their actions..... People who can self-regulate well are more likely to perform unpleasant tasks for future rewards, the researchers theorized.
An experiment illustrates the effect.

A second experiment in the study found similar results using different measures of self-regulation and social rejection. In it, 38 unacquainted undergraduate participants arrived in the lab in groups of four to six. The participants spent 20 minutes getting to know each other, and then were asked to write down the names of two people they'd met whom they'd like to work with in the future. Then, half of the participants--selected at random--were told that no one had chosen to work with them, while half were told that everyone wanted to work with them.

Finally, to test the participants' ability to self-regulate, the researchers left each participant alone in a room with a bowl of 35 minicookies and asked them to rate the cookies for taste and texture. The participants who thought they had been rejected ate nearly twice as many cookies as those who thought they were accepted by their peers.
In the past, after a long series of cold-approach rejections and number flakes I noticed that my carefully crafted lifestyle habits would start to crumble. Imagine this, you're starting on this new path, hitting tons of girls when all of a sudden, BAM: you're working out less. Your driving is becoming more reckless. Your diet is gravitating towards more junk-food. Your room is a little bit less meticulous. Your focus in school/at work is a little less sharp, etc.

If you aren't careful and you are out doing 10-15+ approaches a day for a month, the insidious effects of accumulated rejection after rejection can sneak up on you until you're either a pig or plain miserable.*

In fact, it doesn't even take that level of volume. Are some of us more/less susceptible to this? Probably. I just wish I had known when I started out. This is me trying to help you stay aware of something that could frustrate you. So how do we prevent this from happening?

From the article


These findings make sense, the researchers say, because regulating our behavior is what allows us to fit into society and be accepted in the first place. People who are rejected may feel that their self-regulation efforts were for naught and be less likely to self-regulate in the future. In fact, a follow-up experiment in the study suggests that rejected people are merely unwilling, not unable, to self-regulate.

"Self-regulation allows us to be good citizens and follow social norms, and it also lets us plan for the future and be rational," says lead researcher Baumeister. "Social rejection apparently reduces people's desire to do both."


That's why it's good for you to take breaks to, you know, enjoy your life! This will make it easier to preserve the habits that keep up your passive value. Otherwise, you must will yourself to stick to your good habits. The more comfortable you become with rejection, the easier that chore becomes - I can attest to that. Also, if you're nixing all your social ties in order to do this (lets say your friends and family aren't supportive/are bringing you down) or you're scuttling your ships be sure to have at least ONE strong pillar to turn to.

I've mentioned this elsewhere: if you're not getting positive feedback soon enough, you may start to feel like rejection is your default expectation in all social situations and this is not healthy. I know because I've been there. So, be sure to hang around one person who likes you LOL! If rejection becomes your default expectation, then you'll slowly lose motivation to game because when you approach a woman your brain won't shoot out a dopamine rush signaling, "hey, I could get laid!" (dopamine governs desire and motivation to seek rewards). You'll have to find other ways to motivate yourself at that point. See Chase's article: https://www.girlschase.com/content/effor ... d-get-laid



*I've done this: while it can be good for destroying approach anxiety, I don't suggest it. At all.
 

sneaky_charm

Tool-Bearing Hominid
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Hey GP!

Thanks for the helpful post. I think you totally make sense. Personally, at times, I feel like when I do not go out the whole day is a drag. This is the case even though I rarely get positive results by approaching, and there are days when I do not approach at all because of AA. Sometimes, going out feels like a drug, without which my brain becomes dull. Strange, but that happens to me. Gotta be careful!

- Kevin
 

BarryS1

Cro-Magnon Man
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I've mentioned this elsewhere: if you're not getting positive feedback soon enough, you may start to feel like rejection is your default expectation in all social situations and this is not healthy. I know because I've been there. So, be sure to hang around one person who likes you LOL! If rejection becomes your default expectation, then you'll slowly lose motivation to game because when you approach a woman your brain won't shoot out a dopamine rush signaling, "hey, I could get laid!"
I am speechless. This is exactly where I am today. After the first 4 months, I hit a huge wall with my excitement for approaching. I thought the loss of dopamine was from being bored with my environment, but killing my social life did something too. Looking back, most of my social interactions the last year have been approaching girls (mostly being rejected). I quit my social life to approach and when the rain poured, it poured hard!

Then again, when starting approaching, I was always socially excluded besides school and work.

GP, has the excitement come back for you? I've read your journal and you said your approach count was around 500+ right?
 

Smith

Tool-Bearing Hominid
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In the past, after a long series of cold-approach rejections and number flakes I noticed that my carefully crafted lifestyle habits would start to crumble. Imagine this, you're starting on this new path, hitting tons of girls when all of a sudden, BAM: you're working out less. Your driving is becoming more reckless. Your diet is gravitating towards more junk-food. Your room is a little bit less meticulous. Your focus in school/at work is a little less sharp, etc.
This is also what's happening to me now. I used to work out 3 times per week, but now it's gone down to once or twice per week because I spend that time to meet new girls, and that's the only free time I have. I also can't focus when I study and I'm less efficient. I would say the only good habit I've developed since I started pickup is meditation.

Even though I've noticed this, I still find it hard to cut down on the time I spend on going out because I feel that if I take a break, I'll go back to where I was (3-4months ago) and I'll lose all my progress and my current skill set then I'll have to start over again. Is this fear irrational? Any opinions/experience with this?

I don't know if u guys have experienced this before, but I literally feel bad if I see a girl on the street and don't open her, and that's preventing me from taking a break because I'll feel guilty like I've disappointed myself for not taking action.

I also think that 'rejections' come from the mindset of taking values rather than giving. If you give $10 to a random person on the street and he/she refused to take it, then is that a 'rejection'? of course not. Once I adopted this mindset, I started to get better response from women, and it prevents you from allowing 'rejection' to get into your head. Because I used to feel really bad when I got 'rejected'.
 

Gentle_Phrases

Space Monkey
space monkey
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sneaky_charm said:
Hey GP!

Personally, at times, I feel like when I do not go out the whole day is a drag. This is the case even though I rarely get positive results by approaching, and there are days when I do not approach at all because of AA. Sometimes, going out feels like a drug, without which my brain becomes dull. Strange, but that happens to me. Gotta be careful!
- Kevin
You might be getting high off what the community calls "state." You're new to this - it's exciting - you first three approaches are nerve-racking, then on approach four...nirvana. Nothing can hold you back. The idea of approaching that beautiful brunette is more alluring than frightening. You are free, for an hour or two. Then, tomorrow, you can't imagine ever feeling that free again; you even struggle to make eye contact. Yet you long for the sensation. You've probably done less than 200 approaches?

BarryS1 said:
GP, has the excitement come back for you? I've read your journal and you said your approach count was around 500+ right?
To answer your first question - no; to combat this, I've shifted my focus. Game has encouraged me to become less emotional, for now. I have a feeling that this will change once I make a good connection with someone. Motivation seems to be the perennial issue with players. I think the only cure might be sex addiction. To answer your second question, yes - I'm well over that now.

Smith said:
Even though I've noticed this, I still find it hard to cut down on the time I spend on going out because I feel that if I take a break, I'll go back to where I was (3-4months ago) and I'll lose all my progress and my current skill set then I'll have to start over again. Is this fear irrational? Any opinions/experience with this?

I don't know if u guys have experienced this before, but I literally feel bad if I see a girl on the street and don't open her, and that's preventing me from taking a break because I'll feel guilty like I've disappointed myself for not taking action.

I also think that 'rejections' come from the mindset of taking values rather than giving. If you give $10 to a random person on the street and he/she refused to take it, then is that a 'rejection'? of course not. Once I adopted this mindset, I started to get better response from women, and it prevents you from allowing 'rejection' to get into your head. Because I used to feel really bad when I got 'rejected'.
Your first fear is normal based on my experience and the experience of guys I chat with on other forums. Game is like riding a bike, in regards to this fear. I find that I can keep approach anxiety away by just staying sociable in everyday life. Chat to the old man in the grocery store, flirt with the phone operator if she has a sexy voice, etc.

For your second issue, remember Chase's advice given in multiple articles: schedule your game. If you're doing lots of daytime approaches it can start to feel as if you have to be "on" all the time. Scheduling specific times to day game helps that. Some more experienced guys suggest only doing it within your daily routine. I think they can get away with this because they're already getting success regularly so they don't feel the compulsive urge to piss on every fire hydrant. A hungry mouth spares no food.

For your last point about rejection, sure. You could frame it that way if it helps you.
 

sneaky_charm

Tool-Bearing Hominid
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GP said:
Then, tomorrow, you can't imagine ever feeling that free again; you even struggle to make eye contact. Yet you long for the sensation. You've probably done less than 200 approaches?
Hell dude, you couldn't be more accurate. My actual approach count is between 50 - 100, and the approaches where I was actually able to talk to the girls for a while are rarer, that count is about 20 - 30 maybe!

- Kevin
 

BarryS1

Cro-Magnon Man
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Location
Northern California
You might be getting high off what the community calls "state." You're new to this - it's exciting - you first three approaches are nerve-racking, then on approach four...nirvana. Nothing can hold you back. The idea of approaching that beautiful brunette is more alluring than frightening. You are free, for an hour or two. Then, tomorrow, you can't imagine ever feeling that free again; you even struggle to make eye contact. Yet you long for the sensation. You've probably done less than 200 approaches?
GP, to be honest, that's what I've been trying to get back for the longest time! Mixing up environment, strategies, and situations does not make approaching fun anymore. It's really troubling for me. If motivation isn't making you approach, what is?

I feel like I've hit a state you've already passed and I'm trying to copy your strategy to keep approaching.
 

Gentle_Phrases

Space Monkey
space monkey
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Messages
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BarryS1 said:
GP, to be honest, that's what I've been trying to get back for the longest time! Mixing up environment, strategies, and situations does not make approaching fun anymore. It's really troubling for me. If motivation isn't making you approach, what is?

I feel like I've hit a state you've already passed and I'm trying to copy your strategy to keep approaching.
Like I said in that thread where Chase asked about motivation, it's just a habit for me now, Barry. Occasionally, I take a break for a few days to recharge.
 
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