Can you link the article?
I'm not familiar with it, but I know that there are a lot of articles on Lover VS Boyfriend. And that is a different thing.
- The lover you're talking about here is a peace-maker, VS the fighter the antagonist.
- The lover often mentioned here on GC is a man who's sexual value is clearly apparent, VS the boyfriend whose value as a provider shines most.
But let's talk about dominance and being a peace-maker. Actually there is a great thread going on right now I'll link you to. It's got more to say on asserting yourself with other male competition there, and I'll be talking more about being a peace-maker and dominance here.
"How Should I Have Reacted"
I myself am the peace-maker type. I know the importance of healthy competition in a man's life, so I am trying to cultivate it more in myself.
However, not competing has served me well enough. I know how to work effectively, and basically have learned to play the game manipulating rules other men rarely know about. My point is, winning is dominance. If you know how to win as a peace-maker, then you've dominated the compettion who were after that same prize.
Here's a quick story as an example. I went to concert as a teen. Right as the first band played, I suddenly have a tongue in my mouth and making out with a stranger. When I finally get a good look at who kissed me, it's a really hot and kind of drunk girl. I decided to not notice the glaring red flags here, and got her number.
Later on, a guy who apparently was her boyfriend walks up to me and angrily says, "do you want to fight now or later?" I kept my gaze level with him and said "I'm not going to fight you." and walked away.
I ended up dating that girl for some years, befriending that guy later on and avoided a fight that would have left me broken (the guy was a state wrestling champion, I'm a walking toothpick).
Who won here? I got everything I wanted (not fighting, the hot girl, even a new friend).
Dominance to me is made up of a few things:
-clearly knowing what you want and don't want (needs/desires/boundaries)
-the ability and willingness to get or reject those things
-the ability and willingness to direct people (leading)
Now there are two paths of leadership. One is of fear and oppression, the other is of representation and trust. I only have experience with the latter, and it is very powerful. If your girl or whoever trusts you, knowing that you have her in mind when you make decisions, you can lead to where YOU want to go, as long as you don't break this trust.
One of my fondest memories in my dating life was with a girl whom trusted me in this way. I told her we were going somewhere and she came along without even asking where we were going. Things like that in our relationship made me feel like a man, and she enjoyed being able to fully embrace her femininity in this relationship.
In my current relationship there is not that same level of trust, because I violated that trust. My girl is still very feminine, but she won't follow my lead unquestioningly. However, I'm still able to lead in the relationship because of the other points I mentioned about. I know my desires and boundaries very clearly and am able and willing to get or reject them. I also still apply the last point by rebuilding her trust in me, I genuinely care about her and demonstrate that through my actions reassuring her I'm still fit for leadership.
Dominance and leadership have some over lap, but thing that pertains to leadership (at least the benevolent kind) is the unwillingness to harm who follows you and ability to take your followers where you both want to go. Sometimes those things are not exactly the same (captain winning battles, crew getting paid is still a win-win). Imagine a ship captain and his crew. A good ship captain will take them where the plundering and booty will be, and win battles without too much casualties, and the crew trusts him to do so and be paid. But if he regularly fucks this up making questionable decisions, or only goes where he wants and doesn't pay them, there will be mutiny. If the captain cannot take his crew where they want, the honorable thing would be to give up his position. he's either not fit for leadership or needs to find a new crew who is willing to go in the same direction as him. Same with relationships, if you cannot give your girl what she needs or your lifestyle would hurt her, the right thing to do is let her go and find someone who is able to handle your journey.
Anyway back to dominance. It boils down to winning. The ways to win are knowing what you want and having the ability to win. Competition for competition's sake doesn't serve you if the prize isn't what you want, unless you just want to get experience with competition, but then that's still a win for you! haha
I'd like to hear some other people weigh in here. I think there is more to this topic and I'm not sure I did it justice.
