How should I have reacted?

James D

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Jul 23, 2017
Messages
104
Hey there,

I had a situation yesterday which happened for the first time. I'm not entirely sure how to deal with it.

I was working next to my girlfriend on the campus library. We were having some difficulties with the paper. Some hard group project.

Out of nowhere, a guy walks in, sits beside my girlfriend and starts talking. Now, in all honesty, the guy seemed pretty cool and socially calibrated and handsome as well so he did not come across as creepy at all.

He completely ignores me and befriends my girlfriend, offering to help on the paper. She gladly accepts and soon they are in rapt conversation, with me left out. My girlfriend did not introduce me or anything, which she later told me felt weird to her as she did not know how to proceed. She's not particularly socially savvy so I guess that was legit.

Anyway, handsome Joe stole the show and left.

Meanwhile, I could not help but feel like a loser although I tried to hide it.

And it hurts seeing her giving all her attention to him in that moment.

When I asked her about it afterwards, she told me she was just being friendly to make new friends since she's a loner with a very tight circle, including me.

So, how to react in those situations?
When the guy is creepy, that's fine. But he was not. By all measures, he was an attractive guy doing things right (hate to say it though)
My girlfriend is pretty hot and I can expect something like that to happen again.
 

Velasco

Cro-Magnon Man
Joined
Nov 11, 2019
Messages
565
He completely ignores me and befriends my girlfriend, offering to help on the paper. She gladly accepts and soon they are in rapt conversation, with me left out. My girlfriend did not introduce me or anything,
I'd have stood up and left. If she asks where I'm going, I'd smile, and go "I'm just gonna go make a phone call. Relax silly". To the guy, "hey bro I didn't get your name". Shaking his hand. "Can you watch her real quick. Thanks"

Now she doesnt know how your going to call, you dont look like a vagina just sitting there quietly while he games her in front of you, give her the gift if missing you, and your telling him to stay there. Stealing the frame, because now hes with her because you told him to :)

But yeah for the future, because you say shes not exactly socially savvy, I'd bring it up that its rude to not introduce the person your with. And leave them hanging dry. I would not point to this example tho, but the next time it happens.
 

Train

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Feb 3, 2020
Messages
83
I can speak as the guy who has done this (sorry, lol). Except the girl came to me.

We were sitting down across from each other at a happy hour. Just chatting. Then this guy comes out of nowhere, sits near us, and introduces himself. We make small talk and he casually mentions that he's her boyfriend. Message received.

It didn't feel awkward. He asserted his territory without making a show of it. Though after the intro, I did get the feeling that he didn't like me. But could have been miscommunication.

This could be a way for you to make your relationship status known without making it awkward for everybody.
 

ZacAdam

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
Joined
Nov 20, 2012
Messages
4,650
Just to add notes here. The other guys has answered your question.

Your scenario is quite interesting. It's very common.

Usually it's unintentional. The guy likes your girl. He just lacks social calibration or your girl lacks social etiquette.

Which clearly your girlfriend lacks of, and if this happens more times, there's a deeper issue.

But among high level people, this gets very nuance. I recommend all guys including myself to try to not be KING in someone elses house.

Never try to be KING in someone else's house.

You will hit a nerve accidentally on social groups because you are meeting people. If the guy is cool, and that there's no clear indication of who is the boss per se at the place, most of the time he will be pretty chill.

He will introduce himself to you and if you are nice, he will make the place as pleasant for you.

Because we all just trying to achieve our goals.

I know this because a group of 2 guys and 1 girl tried to do the same shit at my location where I was the supervisor. They were pretty cocky to my mates and they were new there. I have to step up, show who is the boss there.

Which is me of course. I don't want the place to be run over because this group just act like they own the place.

I played a very nuance game with the other groups high level guy. And yes.

Let's just say that the girl of the ship already wants to jump onto my ship.


Hoes ain't loyal. :)
 

Skills

Tribal Elder
Tribal Elder
Joined
Nov 11, 2019
Messages
645
Location
South Florida
Hey there,

I had a situation yesterday which happened for the first time. I'm not entirely sure how to deal with it.

I was working next to my girlfriend on the campus library. We were having some difficulties with the paper. Some hard group project.

Out of nowhere, a guy walks in, sits beside my girlfriend and starts talking. Now, in all honesty, the guy seemed pretty cool and socially calibrated and handsome as well so he did not come across as creepy at all.

He completely ignores me and befriends my girlfriend, offering to help on the paper. She gladly accepts and soon they are in rapt conversation, with me left out. My girlfriend did not introduce me or anything, which she later told me felt weird to her as she did not know how to proceed. She's not particularly socially savvy so I guess that was legit.

Anyway, handsome Joe stole the show and left.

Meanwhile, I could not help but feel like a loser although I tried to hide it.

And it hurts seeing her giving all her attention to him in that moment.

When I asked her about it afterwards, she told me she was just being friendly to make new friends since she's a loner with a very tight circle, including me.

So, how to react in those situations?
When the guy is creepy, that's fine. But he was not. By all measures, he was an attractive guy doing things right (hate to say it though)
My girlfriend is pretty hot and I can expect something like that to happen again.

in this situation, is up to the girl to deal with it, there is nothing you can really do.... You need to learn how to deal with your insecurities and jealousy.... Unless she disrespected you and crossed a boundary such as exchanging numbers or instagram etc... when is mono.

The reason is bothering you is cause you perceive the dude cooler than you in your head... Funny we were talking about things like this in another post however a cool guy will befriend you or acknowledge you vs ignore you...(if i am trying to take your gf from you, i would have asked "how you guys know each other", but the majority of guys don't he probably did not know you were a couple)
 

James D

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Jul 23, 2017
Messages
104
I'd have stood up and left. If she asks where I'm going, I'd smile, and go "I'm just gonna go make a phone call. Relax silly". To the guy, "hey bro I didn't get your name". Shaking his hand. "Can you watch her real quick. Thanks"

Now she doesnt know how your going to call, you dont look like a vagina just sitting there quietly while he games her in front of you, give her the gift if missing you, and your telling him to stay there. Stealing the frame, because now hes with her because you told him to :)

But yeah for the future, because you say shes not exactly socially savvy, I'd bring it up that its rude to not introduce the person your with. And leave them hanging dry. I would not point to this example tho, but the next time it happens.
Hey Velasco,

Thanks for the reply!

What you're suggesting is very interesting. However, I don't think I'm socially calibrated enough to pull it off. I see a lot of ways it could go wrong, especially if the guy wants to climb the social ladder.

But it seems like the most coo, laid back response for sure.
 

James D

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Jul 23, 2017
Messages
104
in this situation, is up to the girl to deal with it, there is nothing you can really do.... You need to learn how to deal with your insecurities and jealousy.... Unless she disrespected you and crossed a boundary such as exchanging numbers or instagram etc... when is mono.

The reason is bothering you is cause you perceive the dude cooler than you in your head... Funny we were talking about things like this in another post however a cool guy will befriend you or acknowledge you vs ignore you...(if i am trying to take your gf from you, i would have asked "how you guys know each other", but the majority of guys don't he probably did not know you were a couple)
Skills,

You're spot on. Your comment made me more aware of my insecurities and jealousy.
I guess that such situations won't stop bothering me until I handle those.

Thanks a lot, you really opened my eyes here.

Gotta work on this
 

YS.

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
Joined
Mar 3, 2020
Messages
128
Honestly, I would just be cool (not butthurt at all, in a loud/fun/playful voice); Hey bro, where are your manners? Introduce yourself! Who are you?

Just call him out in a playful way. Smiling and positive. But dominant. But loving/giving value, in a way you want to befriend him. Your vibe here is crucial but you can completely dominate/interrupt the conversation. Frame it like "I wanna meet you bro. You're cool." And just ask him chode questions and qualify him. That's it.

You can even tell him Hey man, I'm feeling left out here. Don't hurt my feelings. (Obviously in a joking/exaggarated way.)

- Cool. Cool. I'm YS man. Nice to meet you. So what's your story, how do you know each other?
+ ...
- Oh, you're an engineer. That's super super cool man. I love you guys. You guys are super smart and analytical, which I appreciate a lot. (He'll have to just deal with you / talk to you.)

Etc. etc. Just value pump the conversation. Interject, retain your value and then if they have an important conversation go like I'll leave you guys to it. Don't be the random invisible hover chode LOL. Either interject the convo or leave. But you can easily interject.
 

Skills

Tribal Elder
Tribal Elder
Joined
Nov 11, 2019
Messages
645
Location
South Florida
Honestly, I would just be cool (not butthurt at all, in a loud/fun/playful voice); Hey bro, where are your manners? Introduce yourself! Who are you?

Just call him out in a playful way. Smiling and positive. But dominant. But loving/giving value, in a way you want to befriend him. Your vibe here is crucial but you can completely dominate/interrupt the conversation. Frame it like "I wanna meet you bro. You're cool." And just ask him chode questions and qualify him. That's it.

You can even tell him Hey man, I'm feeling left out here. Don't hurt my feelings. (Obviously in a joking/exaggarated way.)

- Cool. Cool. I'm YS man. Nice to meet you. So what's your story, how do you know each other?
+ ...
- Oh, you're an engineer. That's super super cool man. I love you guys. You guys are super smart and analytical, which I appreciate a lot. (He'll have to just deal with you / talk to you.)

Etc. etc. Just value pump the conversation. Interject, retain your value and then if they have an important conversation go like I'll leave you guys to it. Don't be the random invisible hover chode LOL. Either interject the convo or leave. But you can easily interject.
well here is the thing, sometimes jeolousy in itself is a shit test.... So you just have to be very careful the less territorial and jelous you are the more attractive as long as you do not come across as a push over let me illustrate

me at a club with a girl, a dude comes and dances or hit on her that had no idea we are a couple..... right move= ignore legit, no fake no jealous game cause the self always comes through...

me at a club super obvious we are together and the girl is into me, dude comes and out of no wear break my hands from her as i am holding= the dude got his ask kicked at the club... which of course is the right move obvious total disrespect and uncalibration.
 
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YS.

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
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Messages
128
well here is the thing, sometimes jeolousy in itself is a shit test.... So you just have to be very careful the less territorial and jelous you are the more attractive as long as you do not come across as a push over let me illustrate

me at a club with a girl, a dude comes and dances or hit on her that had no idea we are a couple..... right move= ignore legit, no fake no jealous game cause the self always comes through...

me at a club super obvious we are together and the girl is into me, dude comes and out of no wear break my hands from her as i am holding= the dude got his ask kicked at the club... which of course is the right move obvious total disrespect and uncalibration.
100% Skills but it's all in the vibe. You can do NOTHING and come across as a total loser or a total champ. Or you can proactively take back the convo and make the 2 people feel socially uncalibrated or look like a needy jealous chode.

If I understand OP correctly it was a social vibe and he was with his GF, not a random chick. I'd just take over the convo personally. Ofc it has to come from a non jealous place so I qualified it as the vibe is everything.
 
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DarkKnight

Tool-Bearing Hominid
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Oct 18, 2018
Messages
470
I like @Velasco method the most. It's just way more law of least effort. You do not want to compete on what is already yours.

But you do need to train the chick, if she each time blunders by giving random guys openings it's unneeded pressure on you and actually disrespectful. I mean if a superhot chick hits on you right where your girlfriend is next to you.. wouldn't you feel any social pressure at all? Velascos comment is right on tell her it's rude and let her brew on it.. However if she is really thickheaded you have to spell things out.... Either because she is really naieve or because she feigns ignorance. The last thing you need is having to keep maneuvring each time this happens. She needs to know how to deal with this herself.
 

Skills

Tribal Elder
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Messages
645
Location
South Florida
I like @Velasco method the most. It's just way more law of least effort. You do not want to compete on what is already yours.

But you do need to train the chick, if she each time blunders by giving random guys openings it's unneeded pressure on you and actually disrespectful. I mean if a superhot chick hits on you right where your girlfriend is next to you.. wouldn't you feel any social pressure at all? Velascos comment is right on tell her it's rude and let her brew on it.. However if she is really thickheaded you have to spell things out.... Either because she is really naieve or because she feigns ignorance. The last thing you need is having to keep maneuvring each time this happens. She needs to know how to deal with this herself.

it comes across to me as butthurt revengeful, i did not like it... You guys seriously need to get to the point were jealousy is not an issue realistically, it is important for lover secret society frame vs if is disrespect...
 

DarkKnight

Tool-Bearing Hominid
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it comes across to me as butthurt revengeful, i did not like it... You guys seriously need to get to the point were jealousy is not an issue realistically, it is important for lover secret society frame vs if is disrespect...
Nope not revenge. But you look ineffective if you stand there like some loser while your chick is talking to some guy. If it is a 2 minute conversation it doesnt matter.. but if it gets extended yeah... you're kinda coming off as a tool.

But I am honestly curious about what you would do. You are with your girlfriend and some guy comes up to her and makes it a 10 minute convo. Leaving you out. What would you do?
 

Skills

Tribal Elder
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Nope not revenge. But you look ineffective if you stand there like some loser while your chick is talking to some guy. If it is a 2 minute conversation it doesnt matter.. but if it gets extended yeah... you're kinda coming off as a tool.

But I am honestly curious about what you would do. You are with your girlfriend and some guy comes up to her and makes it a 10 minute convo. Leaving you out. What would you do?

but i don't understand, so you are saying it was total disrespect on purpose, maybe the op can clarify....

for op:

- was the dude trying to picking her up?
- was she playing stupid and the vibe was she like the dude?
- was it obvious disrespect?


^ if this is what it was is a talk with a girl gently correction, if it happens again is a soft next follow if same behavior with a hard next.

- i said i would not do anything if is not disrespect just a dude helping her, with that being said if it bother the op the vibe may have been a sexual vibe...= disrespect...(If mono and even in open since is disrespectfull)

now if it was nothing like that i would have ignored, this happens to me a lot in clubs as i gave in the example...
 

Velasco

Cro-Magnon Man
Joined
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Messages
565
- i said i would not do anything if is not disrespect just a dude helping her, with that being said if it bother the op the vibe may have been a sexual vibe...= disrespect...(IF MONO)
He was hitting on her under the impression that he was "just a dude helping her" His girlfriend is socially oblivious (she's like those chicks who thinks, netflix and chill, actually means lets watch netflix and chill lol 2:28
Nothing malicious on her part. So I suggest he teach her that, that behavior is actually disrespectful even if she is not aware of that.
 

DarkKnight

Tool-Bearing Hominid
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@Skills Thanks for the clarification. No I didnt say its purposeful disrespect.. it could be naivety or it could be purposeful disrespect. I have no idea what it was in the OP's situation.

However if she talks with some guy... who is presumely hitting on her I mean why the fuck else would he try to "help" specifically her with their paper for an extended time while you are being left out... then a correction is in order without being emotional about it.

Otherwise OP has to encounter this again and again until this at one point drives a wedge between them.
 
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