BIGGEST sticking point for most guys my age

Will_V

Chieftan
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tribal-elder
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After further consideration, I think the problem is that I’m out of touch with my self expression. This even leaks into my conversation sometimes, as I dont even know what to say sometimes. It’s like I dont know my own personal reactions.

How do I get more in touch with my creative self expression?

That's a good question. I would say that a lot of it has to do with exposure to things and finding what clicks with you, and resonating with it and incorporating it into your worldview and expressing it outward.

Especially when we are young, it's hard to know exactly who we are. But that's why we've got to do a lot of things, expose ourselves to different experiences and situations, pushing our limits. The advantages of being young are having exceptional energy and resilience, which we spend on creating experiences that shape and transform us, until we become who we end up being.

A great way to do this is to choose some role models. Who do you want to be more like? Listen to them, watch them, see what it is about them that is compelling to you. Then try to become that. Test yourself in situations that they have shown you a compelling response to, and see if it works.

It is a complete myth that men are born a certain way or grow up to be this or that by their own nature. Every man operates with role models, it's the way of nature, we learn by having examples to watch and emulate. Some of us are lucky enough to have good role models right off the bat, some of us not so much, but we can always choose, especially as we grow up. As Alexander the Great said of his teacher Aristotle "I am indebted to my father for living, but to my teacher for living well." My father is an exceptional guy in many regards, and is my main influence. But if I didn't have him, I would have sought out someone else. And there are some things that I improve upon, having learned from others who excelled in a specific area.

I read a lot as a kid into my teens, science fiction, classical fiction, and history especially (another great influence from both my parents) and it gave me a sense of myself as a person, the confidence to think at a high level, to take in a lot of ideas, discard this and incorporate that, and build my identity.

But there is one thing that can never be replaced throughout the life of every man, and that is difficult experiences. The experiences of succeeding against the odds, and recovering from the depths of despair and failure. The experience of finding himself in new situations, at any level of advantage or disadvantage, and, like an arm wrestler, slowly and relentlessly working his way toward a position of control and dominance as his competence grows.

It doesn't matter how bad you think life can become, it will become that way again, and worse, some time in the future. Maybe in a different way, but no less painful. Your job as a man is to be ready for it, by taking every opportunity to grow and develop and build strength, cunning, and will. You do this by taking on challenges that are difficult. For example a couple of weeks ago, I needed a little extra spark, so I decided to do 1000 pushups and 1000 situps in a week. 6 days in I'd done well over that number. I try different ways of marketing my business, or communicating with people, or I find some situation that makes me uncomfortable, I strategize a way to dominate it, and I put myself in it. That's how I began approaching girls.

Over time, I simply grow, physically, psychologically and spiritually, even if I fail at things (which inevitably happens). Failure is an opportunity, success is an opportunity, the only non-opportunity is doing absolutely nothing. Especially as a young man, your life must be filled with constant action and novel situations, and the humility to understand that you will fail and that's just part of the process of adaptation and growth. You will heal from anything, as long as you do not stop pressing forward. A failure is bitter, but a success after a failure is doubly as sweet, it creates something in a man that cannot be described.
...

You might think this doesn't have a lot to do with self expression, but I say it all because in my experience, there is no quicker way for a man to lose his identity than when he is not going anywhere, and no faster way to build it than by taking any kind of action, processing the results as clearly as he can, and repeating. No man who is constantly taking action is wondering who he is - it does not matter, his actions create him. His actions signal his presence, make people pay attention to him. He simply is.

As you take action, seek to embody more and more the things that work, and disassociate yourself from the things that don't. The strongest identity is built up of formulas for taking actions that result in success. You just have to go out there, take action and watch the results, pay attention to successful people, read books to expand your world view, and soon all the functional ideas, the ones that make you successful, will become embedded in you, until you can't tell yourself apart from them. Your personality in some ways is given, but your identity must be built. That is how nature has decided that men must be.
 

Surveyor

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
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I find it so hard to set a strong MTW frame with the girl I’m talking to while flirting subtly. I always worry about what other people are thinking of my conversations.

...

Questions:

How do I flirt and set that “Man to woman frame??
I'm trying to figure this out too. (See my journal re:language class)
How do I set the frame subtly in a public environment?
I'm surprised that nobody answered this question directly. I'm still trying to figure this one out too, but this clearly has enormous relevance outside school, e.g. public transit (the only place I currently approach off campus pretty much).
Bonus:
How can I display attractiveness in a classroom setting?
I'd sum it up as: "Be bold." If you have a question, ask it. Sit straight, but relaxed, with an open posture. Look around and make eye contact, but not too much.
 

Will_V

Chieftan
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I'm surprised that nobody answered this question directly. I'm still trying to figure this one out too, but this clearly has enormous relevance outside school, e.g. public transit (the only place I currently approach off campus pretty much).

The answer to this question is very simple. To make any interaction man-to-woman, you must show sexual intent. Think about it, what is there besides sex and intimacy that makes a relationship with a woman different from all the others? You'll have conversations, show care and give attention, joke around, etc with everyone. But sex moves everything to a different plane.

The process of seducing a woman is the process of a man making advances, getting a response, and re-calibrating. An advance is an expression of the intent to have his way with her. This is part of what turns a woman on and prepares her body and mind for sex. Without it, she cannot easily (if at all) move into that state herself by choice. This is one of the politically incorrect truths about seduction.

One of the important things about showing sexual intent is that a) you must do it in a positive way - that is, without any attached negative emotions or undertones and b) you have to be completely OK with her rejecting the advance. That is why sexual intent is best expressed via self-expression rather than as a need - because self-expression is satisfying in itself, and requires no particular outcome to fully realize its value, whereas need immediately spirals into negative tension and desperation when it appears that it will be frustrated.

A good expression of sexual intent is an offer - something that can be revoked without losing its value - but nonetheless it is an advance, it is penetrative, it is not a question. It invades the space between you two, moving forward in order to get a response. This is crucial, because a woman (generally speaking) cannot make the first move, she can only make the first acceptance or rejection.

Think about when you get a woman into bed and you're getting ready to take off her clothes. At some point, you don't know whether she'll be OK with it but you have to simply go for it, otherwise it will never happen. She then will resist (causing you to pause, recalibrate, go back to whatever you were doing before, while staying chill). Or she will become soft and do nothing, and watch you take off her clothes one by one while getting more and more aroused.

This is how it is with flirting. A woman is aroused by the succession of moves you make that she submits to. The more she submits to, the more she is aroused. That's why things like touching her, moving her around and having her follow commands, strong eye contact (which she often will lower her chin and gaze up at you, which is a form of submission), these are all expressions of intent - the intent to have your way with her - that she accepts, and thereby gets aroused and ready for sex. If you don't do these things, things cannot progress toward the bedroom, even if she logically wants them to.

The easiest way, in my opinion, to show intent is with strong eye contact. I will do this with women I haven't even approached. If you find it hard to express much through eye contact, do it while thinking about what you'd like to do with her. It will take time to relax deeply enough to express sexual desire without neediness, if you haven't practiced already - and this is where meditation is very very useful. When you're talking, you can pause and hold eye contact until the tension builds. Other things like closing the distance between you, touching and holding touch (such as gently holding her hand after a handshake), letting your eyes caress her hair, face and neck and then returning to her eyes without guilt.

There are many ways to show sexual intent, and doing it with the right calibration takes lots of practice (though simply being deeply relaxed is by far the most important), but just remember that a woman cannot get ready for sex until you show intent of some kind, so you must simply be in the habit of showing intent and making sexually charged moves without guilt or inhibition, and always with the ability to pause or move back at any time if she doesn't respond well.
 

Kaida

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
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Ah, no wonder why the girls I do the best with are the kind of girls that I’m personally really into which makes my sexual intent, and also the type of girls that I have found the most success with in the past which makes me comfortable. And unlike most dudes, I actually find it easier instead of harder to hold strong eye contact with a hot girl.
Think about when you get a woman into bed and you're getting ready to take off her clothes. At some point, you don't know whether she'll be OK with it but you have to simply go for it, otherwise it will never happen. She then will resist (causing you to pause, recalibrate, go back to whatever you were doing before, while staying chill). Or she will become soft and do nothing, and watch you take off her clothes one by one while getting more and more aroused.

This is how it is with flirting. A woman is aroused by the succession of moves you make that she submits to. The more she submits to, the more she is aroused. That's why things like touching her, moving her around and having her follow commands, strong eye contact (which she often will lower her chin and gaze up at you, which is a form of submission), these are all expressions of intent - the intent to have your way with her

This doesn’t seem to always happen though with me at least. Sometimes I get girls to follow my commands repeatedly but they aren’t getting aroused.
 
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Beck Bass

Cro-Magnon Man
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Mar 9, 2020
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It is a complete myth that men are born a certain way or grow up to be this or that by their own nature.
Exactly, everyone learns everything, it's a matter of choosing what to learn, what will lead you (closer to) your objectives, the man you wanna be. That comes with experience, but if you're paying mind to it at 17 @Kaiderman, by your early 20s (or even earlier, who knows) you should have a very solid frame overall, in life, and feel confortable in your skin, for the most part.
But it's all a never ending process. I'm here at almost 27 and still asking myself what my purpose is and where do I really wanna go in life. Once you start figuring that out though, the rest starts falling into place. To me is more like choose a direction NOW and just go ham into it, then once you're there, you'll realize it's not quite where you wanted to go, but you can always adjust your course... This is getting a bit philosophical I guess hehe
 
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