- Joined
- Jul 19, 2020
- Messages
- 14
Been a while since I posted here and depending on the thoughts here I may or may not becoming back more often. I was in a serious relationship for about 2 years. Early on, we were really good at planning together — even made a spreadsheet comparing cities (let’s say City A, City B, City C) to figure out where we’d build our future. That felt like the high point of us being a true team.
Then we went long-distance. She took a job in a city neither of us had planned on (call it City D). It wasn’t a dream move, just her only option at the time. Meanwhile, I was still in a different city (not the one where most of her friends are), so living with me wasn’t a simple fix. Living alone in City D for the first time made her realize how hard starting over was, and she began leaning toward places where she already had friends — even though those weren’t part of our original plan. I started feeling like our shared vision was slipping away.
To hold onto it, I tried to support her dream of becoming a doctor. She had talked about it for years, and I thought if she committed to the MCAT and med school, we could align our future again — move somewhere for her school, live together, and have structure. But she avoided studying, left things to the last minute, and I found myself pushing her more and more. To me it felt like keeping the relationship on track; to her it felt like pressure.
By May, I could feel something was off. Out of that fear, I even proposed to her, hoping to recenter things before they fell apart. Not long after, on a trip together, she broke down and said:
A few days later she broke up with me over FaceTime. That’s what blindsided me — I didn’t realize it had gotten so bad that she was ready to end it. I knew she was stressed, but I didn’t expect her to throw away the relationship. It felt like the floor dropped out from under me, like it came out of nowhere.
I panicked and pushed for couples therapy — she agreed at first, but canceled when I booked it. Later I heard from a mutual friend that she said she wouldn’t be guilt-tripped into therapy.
The weeks after the breakup were confusing:
A mutual friend later told me she admitted she was really sad in the relationship, much happier outside of it, and said she felt like she was walking on eggshells with me.
On paper, this looks like a standard breakup:
But there are layers that make it harder for me to accept as fully final:
1. Long-distance was the breaking point. When we were together in person, things were great (except for the last trip that turned bad) — we laughed, loved, and got along well. We were even friends before dating, so it feels like the relationship didn’t collapse because of “us,” but because of distance and circumstances.
2. She had a lot on her plate. She felt socially isolated, was stuck in a state she didn’t like, unhappy with a dead-end career, and struggling with body dysmorphia. It feels like many of her struggles weren’t actually about me, but about her situation.
3. The ghosting wasn’t total. She stopped talking for weeks, but it wasn’t a clean cut. She still opened my messages quickly, responded at certain points (like when I announced I was moving, or when I sent a final message), and never blocked me(were still not blocked even with a final goodbye by me). To me, it felt less like indifference and more like avoidance — almost like she was afraid that if she saw me again, she might change her mind.
4. The app issue. We mainly used one app to talk. She saw my final breakup message there even though I had already sent it on Instagram, where she had read it. There was no reason for her to purposely open the app just to re-read the same message — unless it was specifically to check on me. And even now, weeks later, I still see her log in randomly at odd hours (like 12:45 a.m.), when she has no real reason to use the app except to look at our chat.
5. Her actions don’t match her words. She never fully ghosted, never blocked me, and always opened my messages within minutes or hours. She cried when telling my friend it was over. Her last texts to me were warm, not cold. To this day, she hasn’t talked to me directly about what specifically went wrong or what I did that caused this. Most of what I know comes secondhand from friends, not from her. It feels more like she’s torn, avoiding engagement rather than indifferent.
6. Relief vs. loneliness. Right now she may feel relief from ending the relationship, but nothing in her life circumstances has really changed — the isolation, career issues, and body image struggles are still there. It often felt like a cycle: she’d avoid me for a while, then re-engage just enough to show she was still affected. Part of me feels like when that loneliness hits again, she may realize the breakup didn’t actually solve anything.
7. This breakup feels “different.” Trust me, I know when things are finished. I’ve been blocked, cut off, ghosted, and blown out before — women losing interest fast, shutting the door completely. I know what it looks like when someone is fully done, when the energy is gone and there’s no ambiguity left. This isn’t that. With her, it’s been messy and inconsistent. We didn’t have a huge blowup fight. There were incompatibilities, sure, but not the kind that usually kill a relationship outright. Honestly, me moving to another city should’ve solved most of the strain, not made it worse. That’s why this doesn’t feel like a “normal” breakup. It feels complicated, tangled up in her personal struggles and the distance, more than in us as a couple. So even though she says it’s final, it hasn’t looked or felt like the clean, definitive endings I’ve been through before.
I’ve read The Ultimate Guide on How to Get a Girl Back by chase. That article explains most men lose women because they either (1) made her feel unwanted, (2) insulted or hurt her, or (3) came across as too needy / too easy. But none of these fit my breakup cleanly. I wasn’t ignoring her (if anything, I was very invested), I didn’t insult her, and while maybe I pushed too much, our issues weren’t just about neediness. A lot of our problems came from long-distance stress, her own personal struggles, and her fear of isolation or not telling me what was wrong. So it doesn’t feel like this framework fully applies.
I’ve also read How to Get Your Girlfriend Back: 3 Great Strategies. That article breaks breakups into three categories: (1) “Screw you, jerk!” (she wanted you but felt she couldn’t get what she needed), (2) “I’m free!” (she felt trapped and relieved to be out), or (3) “It’s too soon!” (circumstances ended it, not feelings). My situation doesn’t fit neatly into any of these either. At the breakup moment, she was like #1 (still loved me but felt on eggshells). Later, she told a friend she was happier outside the relationship (#2). And long-distance plus her career struggles made it feel like #3. Because it’s such a messy overlap, it’s really hard to even take this article’s advice and apply it directly.
That’s why I’m stuck. Objectively, she says it’s over. But behaviorally, emotionally, and circumstantially, it doesn’t feel fully dead. I was blindsided by how fast she pulled the plug, I’ve never gotten a clear explanation from her directly, and the breakup doesn’t follow the “normal” pattern I know so well. On paper, it’s done — in reality, it still feels messy and unfinished.
Then we went long-distance. She took a job in a city neither of us had planned on (call it City D). It wasn’t a dream move, just her only option at the time. Meanwhile, I was still in a different city (not the one where most of her friends are), so living with me wasn’t a simple fix. Living alone in City D for the first time made her realize how hard starting over was, and she began leaning toward places where she already had friends — even though those weren’t part of our original plan. I started feeling like our shared vision was slipping away.
To hold onto it, I tried to support her dream of becoming a doctor. She had talked about it for years, and I thought if she committed to the MCAT and med school, we could align our future again — move somewhere for her school, live together, and have structure. But she avoided studying, left things to the last minute, and I found myself pushing her more and more. To me it felt like keeping the relationship on track; to her it felt like pressure.
By May, I could feel something was off. Out of that fear, I even proposed to her, hoping to recenter things before they fell apart. Not long after, on a trip together, she broke down and said:
- She still loved me
- She felt like she was walking on eggshells around me and worried I would yell
- She feared losing herself and being isolated if we moved in together
- She wondered if she was “enough” for me, or if I’d be happier with someone less particular
A few days later she broke up with me over FaceTime. That’s what blindsided me — I didn’t realize it had gotten so bad that she was ready to end it. I knew she was stressed, but I didn’t expect her to throw away the relationship. It felt like the floor dropped out from under me, like it came out of nowhere.
I panicked and pushed for couples therapy — she agreed at first, but canceled when I booked it. Later I heard from a mutual friend that she said she wouldn’t be guilt-tripped into therapy.
Afterward
The weeks after the breakup were confusing:
- She deleted a lot of our shared calendar events.
- She went quiet for weeks, though she still watched some of my stories.
- In late July, I messaged her that I was moving to another city — one where she has a lot of friends. She opened it within 10 minutes and replied 22 hours later: “Best of luck with your move and fresh start.”
- I followed up with a polite message. She opened it but didn’t respond.
- A few days later I called her. She didn’t answer, but I saw her log into messaging apps and Instagram right after, like she was shaken.
- Finally, I sent a heartfelt closure message. She responded kindly but distant: “I’m sorry for hurting you… I’ll miss our friendship… wishing you the best.”
A mutual friend later told me she admitted she was really sad in the relationship, much happier outside of it, and said she felt like she was walking on eggshells with me.
Why It Doesn’t Feel Clear-Cut
On paper, this looks like a standard breakup:
- She told a mutual friend she’s 100% certain about ending things.
- She said she was more unhappy than happy, often felt like she was walking on eggshells, and feels happier outside of the relationship now.
- She sent me a message saying she wouldn’t do therapy, and later I heard from a friend that she said she wouldn’t be guilt-tripped into it.
- She didn’t want to talk at all afterward, which made it look like ghosting.
But there are layers that make it harder for me to accept as fully final:
1. Long-distance was the breaking point. When we were together in person, things were great (except for the last trip that turned bad) — we laughed, loved, and got along well. We were even friends before dating, so it feels like the relationship didn’t collapse because of “us,” but because of distance and circumstances.
2. She had a lot on her plate. She felt socially isolated, was stuck in a state she didn’t like, unhappy with a dead-end career, and struggling with body dysmorphia. It feels like many of her struggles weren’t actually about me, but about her situation.
3. The ghosting wasn’t total. She stopped talking for weeks, but it wasn’t a clean cut. She still opened my messages quickly, responded at certain points (like when I announced I was moving, or when I sent a final message), and never blocked me(were still not blocked even with a final goodbye by me). To me, it felt less like indifference and more like avoidance — almost like she was afraid that if she saw me again, she might change her mind.
4. The app issue. We mainly used one app to talk. She saw my final breakup message there even though I had already sent it on Instagram, where she had read it. There was no reason for her to purposely open the app just to re-read the same message — unless it was specifically to check on me. And even now, weeks later, I still see her log in randomly at odd hours (like 12:45 a.m.), when she has no real reason to use the app except to look at our chat.
5. Her actions don’t match her words. She never fully ghosted, never blocked me, and always opened my messages within minutes or hours. She cried when telling my friend it was over. Her last texts to me were warm, not cold. To this day, she hasn’t talked to me directly about what specifically went wrong or what I did that caused this. Most of what I know comes secondhand from friends, not from her. It feels more like she’s torn, avoiding engagement rather than indifferent.
6. Relief vs. loneliness. Right now she may feel relief from ending the relationship, but nothing in her life circumstances has really changed — the isolation, career issues, and body image struggles are still there. It often felt like a cycle: she’d avoid me for a while, then re-engage just enough to show she was still affected. Part of me feels like when that loneliness hits again, she may realize the breakup didn’t actually solve anything.
7. This breakup feels “different.” Trust me, I know when things are finished. I’ve been blocked, cut off, ghosted, and blown out before — women losing interest fast, shutting the door completely. I know what it looks like when someone is fully done, when the energy is gone and there’s no ambiguity left. This isn’t that. With her, it’s been messy and inconsistent. We didn’t have a huge blowup fight. There were incompatibilities, sure, but not the kind that usually kill a relationship outright. Honestly, me moving to another city should’ve solved most of the strain, not made it worse. That’s why this doesn’t feel like a “normal” breakup. It feels complicated, tangled up in her personal struggles and the distance, more than in us as a couple. So even though she says it’s final, it hasn’t looked or felt like the clean, definitive endings I’ve been through before.
Why Articles Haven’t Helped
I’ve read The Ultimate Guide on How to Get a Girl Back by chase. That article explains most men lose women because they either (1) made her feel unwanted, (2) insulted or hurt her, or (3) came across as too needy / too easy. But none of these fit my breakup cleanly. I wasn’t ignoring her (if anything, I was very invested), I didn’t insult her, and while maybe I pushed too much, our issues weren’t just about neediness. A lot of our problems came from long-distance stress, her own personal struggles, and her fear of isolation or not telling me what was wrong. So it doesn’t feel like this framework fully applies.
I’ve also read How to Get Your Girlfriend Back: 3 Great Strategies. That article breaks breakups into three categories: (1) “Screw you, jerk!” (she wanted you but felt she couldn’t get what she needed), (2) “I’m free!” (she felt trapped and relieved to be out), or (3) “It’s too soon!” (circumstances ended it, not feelings). My situation doesn’t fit neatly into any of these either. At the breakup moment, she was like #1 (still loved me but felt on eggshells). Later, she told a friend she was happier outside the relationship (#2). And long-distance plus her career struggles made it feel like #3. Because it’s such a messy overlap, it’s really hard to even take this article’s advice and apply it directly.
Why It Feels Unresolved
That’s why I’m stuck. Objectively, she says it’s over. But behaviorally, emotionally, and circumstantially, it doesn’t feel fully dead. I was blindsided by how fast she pulled the plug, I’ve never gotten a clear explanation from her directly, and the breakup doesn’t follow the “normal” pattern I know so well. On paper, it’s done — in reality, it still feels messy and unfinished.
