Chase & Franco: How can late bloomers stop being haunted by what they missed?

[Indian Race Troll (IRT)]

If it sounds redundant, please lock, but understand this means a lot to me right now. Tried to make it as short as possible but I am not great at doing that, working at that skill though!

In my past thread, I talked about the ten things I've learned from sleeping with 20+ different women ever since coming on to Girlschase. In my final 2 points, I talked about how getting laid only fixes a part of the issue. A good number of guys who get into PUA and sites like this came into the game late, lets say past their college years, when it seemed like the dust had settled. Most of these guys were not the super popular frat guys, popular high school kids making out with girls at parties when they were 16, or getting those experiences. A good number of them were on the sidelines watching as the game took place without them.

In a way, my experiences have kinda opened me up to why so many guys do what they do as adults. Why some guys like PUAs go overboard and have their entire lives revolve around chasing girls, giving dating advice, obsessing about the game, and having the world know they get laid. Why is that some poor guys who turn rich and famous literally fuck as many different women as possible, boast about it, and dedicate their lives to the game. Why some guys turn into playboys who have to express to the world how sexually successful they are (eg: Hugh Hefner who lost his virginity at the age of 22).

It all leads to one thing for a good number of them, not all but a good number of them, they didn't get any action in the years of their lives (high school and college) when relationships, popularity, and having success in the game meant so much. Now don't get me wrong, some of these guys are definitely having success getting laid and all that as they're older and have found how to do better with women but that isn't enough. I feel like it's about more than just sex and women, it's about making up for the fact that they were unpopular or lower status in their younger years. When popularity and coolness meant so much, especially in terms of sex, they weren't winning. I can go way more into detail but that would make the post very long.

This is something I really want to dedicate my time (possibly even my life if comes to it) finding a solution to so I came to you two and anyone that is willing to give well thought out answers to find that solution. I know I am being obsessive over it but I really do want to get this worked out not just for me but for many others in my situation.

How can late bloomers stop being haunted by their past, move on, and not be as bothered by it? What steps can they take after they have managed to get laid a decent amount?

 

[Bboy100]

Re: Chase & Franco: How can late bloomers stop being haunted by what they missed

You're not being overly obsessive. You've finally realized the real issue you need to face. There are a lot of guys in the pickup community who just fuck girls forever and never get over this (I have a friend who's been with over 80 women and still doesn't understand that what he's doing isn't helping). So congratulations identifying the real issue!

First of all, your best shot at this is getting professional help. They'll know better than anyone what to do in a situation like this. They're trained for it. They deal with it all the time.

Having said that, here are my thoughts on the matter...
Obviously, since you've slept with over 20 women, you probably don't feel weaker than most these men anymore (although I could be wrong. Let me know if this is the case). Since you're doing better than most of them ever did or will do, you've won. Maybe you started late, but you still crossed the finish line before them.

I feel like it's about more than just sex and women, it's about making up for the fact that they were unpopular or lower status in their younger years. When popularity and coolness meant so much, especially in terms of sex, they weren't winning.

This is key. Obviously, its not about sex. You feel like there's this time period you missed out on which you can't get back. Like there's something about getting laid and being popular in college which is unique. There's no where else (that you know of) where you can get that kind of experience. And you're not necessarily wrong. College and high school is the only time in your life (for the most part) where people are going to know your name. You'll be of high status and high prestige cause you're getting laid. I can tell you from experience that its really not a big deal and its all superficial (people only like you cause you know how to get girls and they hope that you'll teach them or it'll somehow rub off on them, not cause of who you actually are). But I know that won't help. I've been relatively successful in college. But like you, I was a chump in HS. If I tried to tell my high school self that it doesn't matter, he'd tell me to fuck off.

So what's next? Well...you need to understand that what you're really chasing is validation. You want people to think you're the shit. The thing is dude...this is a universal sign of low self-esteem. If you need the validation of others. If you require prestiage to feel happy, then that necessarily means you haven't validated yourself. You're approval hungry. Maybe not from girls (cause you already have their approval). But from other dudes. In fact, to be brutally honest, I'd be willing to bet you enjoy the high fives from bragging about how you got laid the previous night more than you'd enjoy the sex itself. And to some extent, you probably seek validation from everyone (men and women alike). Regardless of whom your seeking approval from, the culprit is still a lack of self love.

So figure out how to build up your self-esteem. There are many books written on the topic. My personal recommendation is The Six Pillers of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Branden.

There's one more part to this story...

Its possible that its not just self-esteem issues. The lack of affection and love from your peers in high school and college was clearly an emotionally traumatic event for you. Unfortunately, I don't know you, so I can't talk you through how to heal from that. And I'm not sure I'd have the knowledge to do so anyways. So if building up self-esteem and self-love doesn't work, then I would direct you to my original recommendation- get a good therapist. He will coach you through this and you will heal. I'd like to note that this shit might run really deep. It might be a part of the core of who you are and how you view yourself. So it not something Chase and Franco would be able to solve with an entire article, let alone a forum post. It will require a lot of work on your part.

Hope this helps!

 

[Bboy100]

Re: Chase & Franco: How can late bloomers stop being haunted by what they missed

I got carried away with this response because Psychology and dealing with emotions are something I'm really passionate about. So here we go:

Slay,

You don't need any " professional " help. Just keep getting better

First of all, I'd like to use this as an opportunity to debunk the myth that seeing a therapist means you're "crazy". This myth causes a lot of people to avoid therapy because they think that by signing up, that means they're admitting that they're crazy. The truth is, 90% of patients most counselors have are completely normal people with normal issues. They mostly deal with issues like low-self esteem, anxiety, depression, addictions, lack of motivation etc. Only a very small percentage of cases are people who are actually crazy (e.g. have borderline or multiple personality disorder etc). In fact, I'd go so far as to say that literally any time you're feeling emotional pain, a consoler could technically help (it might not necessarily be worth it. If you're just having a bad day, then its not worth paying $100 to see one). But my point is, that all a counselor does is help process and deal with emotional pain. It literally means nothing about you as a person

I believe it just comes down to "been-there-done-that".

This is empirically false. There are loads and loads of people who follow this pattern:

Feel emotional pain -> Try to deal with or compensate for it by accomplishing external goal(s) (like say...having sex with lots of girls)-> Get temporary validation from accomplishing said goal-> Wake up the next day feeling emotional pain again. Rinse and repeat.

Every time without exception, I've seen them break this cycle by dealing with the emotional issue directly. Not by doing more of the same thing. A good example of this is Tucker Max. Not only was he a natural, but he also slept with over 100 women by the time he was in his mid twenties. Plus, he became famous. Plus, he wrote a bunch of bestselling novels. But he still felt the need for female validation. How did he fix the problem? He checked himself into therapy. Here's the story: http://www.forbes.com/sites/michaelells ... f3c4f3102c

Another example of this is Neil Strauss (author of "The game"). I can't find the article about him anymore. But he basically did the same thing. There's also someone from the boards who I won't name who had sex with more than his fair share of women and recently came to the same realization and has started dealing with his emotional issues. He's already making a lot more progress than he ever did by having sex with tons of women.

And there are other guys still who have had sex with more women than you can imagine and they still never got over their issue. For example, Charlie Sheen has slept with literally THOUSANDS of women. And yet, even to this day, he throws massive parties, participates in orgies etc. All in the name of gaining prestige and validation. ...Actually, that might not be true. Sheen has HIV now. So maybe he doesn't do that anymore. But he definitely would if he could.

P.s: This explains why naturals don't seek validation. They've been doing it for way longer.

First of all, this is not true of all naturals (see: Tucker Max). But it admittedly is true of most of them. But the reason they don't need validation is because they've always had women around them. Those who brag about sleeping with lots of women are usually also the guys who were neglected by women in their past (as pointed out by OP). Its a form of overcompensation. The thing is, naturals were never ignored by women. So they never suffered any emotional pain or traumas involving women. Therefore, they feel no need to use them as a form of compensation.

 

[Richard]

Re: Chase & Franco: How can late bloomers stop being haunted by what they missed

I've tried writing a few responses here because I'm a psych major and have a major interest in existential and humanistic psychology and this concept you're talking about fits right in to what I do on a day to day basis. However, none of the knowledge I have on the topic will cause any change or inspire any overwhelming realizations.

The simple answer to the problem you're having is this;

Discover what you love doing today, find those things that you enjoy doing simply because you enjoy them and then focus on incorporating them into your life and career if possible. Re-creating a past that you feel you missed out on provides nothing except hollow feelings because even when you reach it you discover it isn't all it's cracked up to be. If you want a life of meaning and substance then you get it by creating something new today, not fixing a perceived problem of yesterday.

For me, my calling is in helping people and every day I commit myself to learning new things, new techniques, etc. on how to help people better. Eventually, I want to take basic psychological and philosophical theory and create my own therapy style and add new ideas to the world of psychology, and more goals beyond that. When I need a distraction from that I'll go play pool, I'll go disc golfing, etc. My life is full of creative tension and that's how I continue to move forward; the problems I've had in my past (some of which are similar to yours, some are very different) are just that... in my past. They're not buried, they're not gone, they exist and I accept them as vital parts of who I am and because of that I no longer give them power over me.

-Richard

 

[Franco]

Re: Chase & Franco: How can late bloomers stop being haunted by what they missed

Oh Pry,

I feel like it's about more than just sex and women, it's about making up for the fact that they were unpopular or lower status in their younger years. When popularity and coolness meant so much, especially in terms of sex, they weren't winning.

The problem lies at the heart of your proposed solution: that learning the "game" in your later years is about making up for your younger years. That is not what game is for, and if you intend to use it that way, then you will only continue to be 50% happy at best.

I've demonstrated this to you indirectly when we've conversed before. At one point in time, you were obsessed with bottle blondes (and maybe part of you still is), and that obsession lead to you being less than satisfied with any woman who was NOT a bottle blonde. I've shown you pictures of attractive, awesome women that my friends have laid, and you claimed those women you were capable of "getting"... but then why is my friend happy and you are not? The answer lies in the fact that you are chasing a mythical belief that the things you are NOT getting are actually the BEST things.

My friend is happy with his brunettes, his redheads, his latinas, etc., because he isn't trying to fulfill some mythical prophecy that only bottle blonde women are the best women. If that was his mindset, then guess what? He wouldn't be happy sleeping with any of those women that I showed you. He would be miserable about it, just like you were.

The same mindset applies to what you are doing now, except instead of bottle blondes, it's the mythical idea that your past was somehow supposed to be the best time of your life (a myth possibly propagated by other "losers" who have led a boring life after college) and that the only way for you to feel satisfied is to re-create that lifestyle that you feel should have given you "supreme happiness." You are assuming that all of these college frat boys were somehow achieving the pinnacle of happiness by throwing parties and sleeping with college girls. What you're missing is that many of these guys were still not happy. Many of them were guys like you... chasing a fleeting emotion that being in a college frat would get them closer to the ultimate happiness. And maybe they slept with more girls than you, but were they actually happy? And if they were happy, did that happiness carry them all the way through their adulthoods (and eventually to their deathbeds?)

Keep in mind that hindsight is a worthless attribute. Anyone could say anything about how their life might have been had something been different. (i.e. "What if I had taken a chance and invested all of my money in Google back when it was new and I thought it was going to do well?" Would my life have been different? Probably.) But that's no different than what you're doing right now with the college life. You're assuming that your life would have been overall better somehow, and you're only imagining the positive outcomes rather than thinking about the negative ones. Assuming you joined a college frat, do you think you would have had good grades? Do you think you would have had the job opportunities you have right now? Do you think you would have ever found GC? It's basically looking at the universe through an alternate reality, but you're looking at it through rose-colored glasses. And that is why hindsight is absolutely worthless: anyone can spend days upon days thinking about how their life would have been better if they had made ABC choices instead of XYZ choices, but the reality is, you have literally no idea what your life would have been like in the overall scope had you made different decisions. And even if you could nail those down to the details, does it really matter?

The difference between you and I is that, when I found GirlsChase, I found a tool that I could use to improve my life in an area that I wanted to improve starting right now while you, instead, are using GirlsChase as a hindsight tool to reminisce about "what my life would have been like had I done all these things earlier." We are coming from two completely different mindsets -- and the difference is that my mindset leads to improvement and satisfaction while your mindset leads to an endless cycle of disillusioned reflection. You will never be satisfied with your progress nor the women you are sleeping with as long as you are chasing a fantasy (that you have created through your own confirmation bias) rather than chasing self-improvement and future success and happiness.

You need a mindset shift. You are 50% happy right now because you've learned how to sleep with women, but the other 50% of your missing happiness lies in the dormant side of you that isn't (1) realizing what you can do with your new knowledge and (2) understanding that your future can be better than ANY frat boy's past if you stop assuming that their past is somehow better than what your future can be. And you need to take steps to enjoy the progress you are making. Don't obsess with chasing a fantasy that isn't real. College frat parties and high school popularity were both things that I've experienced -- they were positive moments in my life, but they are nothing compared to what I have now. I was insecure about a lot of things back then, and I had a lot of other issues that made me nowhere near as happy as I wanted to be. College frat parties were just another growing pain that had some positives along with the negatives. Try to direct your focus toward your future.

Free your mind.

- Franco

 

[Indian Race Troll (IRT)]

Re: Chase & Franco: How can late bloomers stop being haunted by what they missed

Franco and many others are really giving the good advice but I think we might be trying to talk to someone who is really set in their ways, nothing against OP.

I like the examples of Charlie Sheen, Tucker Max, and Neil Strauss on this thread. The thing is that some guys really need their validation rush and that sense of being perceived a certain way. You can get the therapy and even try to reason with them as much as possible but it is like talking to a brick wall. I mean a lot of these guys are the kinds of guys who can't really feel as glad of the fact that they are with a beautiful woman when she isn't their type.

My advice lines up with that of Slay, keep going and just live it. Go ahead and sleep with more women, put up pics on social media of you with hot girls (I've done that before and it has given me my fill of validation), have those years, have those parties, and just do it for a bit. Some guys are literally made for that sort of stuff, that's just how they are. A lot of these have to be seen as players, they have to sleep around a ton, they thrive off of popularity, and they are performers looking for an audience.

At that point I don't think it is a matter of having sex versus not having sex, it something about that performer mentality or always wanting to have an audience. Charlie Sheen, Hugh Hefner, Dan Bilzerian, and Neil Strauss are all these kinds of guys who have to have the success as well as an audience. When these guys don't get their spotlight, they turn mad and break down. I truly believe this is how some guys are wired, they have to have their audience and their fill of validation while others are perfectly content without it.

 

[Franco]

Re: Chase & Franco: How can late bloomers stop being haunted by what they missed

Just a quick note for you guys:

"Constantly wanting the spotlight and constantly driving to succeed" are different mentalities from "wanting to make up for the past."

The guys who have a drive to succeed and a drive to constantly be the center of attention are usually wired that way, yes, which means they've ALWAYS been the center of attention (or at least worked toward it) and ALWAYS have had a drive to succeed. They are not reflecting on their past and trying to achieve something that they thought they never had. They are just constantly moving toward the next high or the next "win."

This is also what makes these guys successful in other areas besides women and partying:

• Charlie Sheen - Successful actor/director
• Tucker Max - Successful public figure/author
• Neil Strauss - Successful public figure/author

For most of these guys, they didn't spend much time (if any at all) reflecting on how much better their lives could have been had they made better decisions earlier in life. Instead, they kept pushing their bounds and limits so that they could constantly improve their present and future successes.

- Franco

 

[ray_zorse]

Re: Chase & Franco: How can late bloomers stop being haunted by what they missed

About the constantly seeking validation thing I suggest to read "Healing the shame that binds you" by John Bradshaw IIRC. I think toxic shame and not getting the validation you needed in formative years is largely responsible for these kinds of issues. It takes real persistence maybe for decades to fix this kind of damage and make yourself into the man you were supposed to be before life intervened. He has useful exercises.
Ray

 

[Indian Race Troll (IRT)]

Re: Chase & Franco: How can late bloomers stop being haunted by what they missed

Actually Franco, I am going to disagree with you there.

Neil Strauss was largely unsuccessful with women before finding "game", which is why he founded game. I didn't believe it myself but I had to look it up, Hugh Hefner was indeed a 22 year old virgin.

As a matter of fact Franco, I would argue that past failures actually light that fire under them and make these men succeed. Tom Brady was a 6th round draft pick and even he admitted that motivated him to perform well at the pro level.

I feel like guys who "miss out" and have this kind of an odd past can sometimes really go over the top and become successful. A lot of the naturals I knew kinda just settled down, not only in terms of women but also in terms of life. Many of these guys stayed behind in their old towns, married early, and opted out of the game before the age of 25. Naturals don't seem to have this attitude to always be better and perform really well in life, they just kinda settle down and take it easy for the most part.

One other thing is that a lot of missing out can also happen with bad circumstances out of your control. The kids I knew who generally lived the party hard lifestyle in high school and college were your typical upper middle class suburban kids with rich parents. I found that the poor kids and kids of immigrants generally didn't have those sorts of opportunities.

I believe that next high, next win, and determined attitude to always prove yourself comes from a lack of success at some point in the past.

 

[Franco]

Re: Chase & Franco: How can late bloomers stop being haunted by what they missed

Note: Drive to succeed is not the same as "always succeeding."

You can fail 100 times and still be driven toward success. As you've noted, Kenshin, the guys who fail a lot are likely more driven to be successful, and their number of failures shows that they've put in many attempts and are, indeed, driven to succeed.

- Franco

 

[Zaxxon23]

Re: Chase & Franco: How can late bloomers stop being haunted by what they missed

Well I'd definitely call myself a late bloomer. For me, I got hit with acne horribly as a teenager (many women quite liked me before that), and it demolished my confidence for darn near 20 years. Seriously, I could never see myself as good enough looking to attract women, so for most of my life I didn't even try. Video games and weed were a good enough outlet for me, and the weed really helped to keep my unhappiness at failure with women in check. At 39, I met this (what I thought at the time...now she's really ordinary) awesome girl at work and chased her way too hard while focusing on being a provider (and knowing what I know now...she really really liked me before that), and ultimately ended up at GC to find the answers for my failures.

Now, at 41, while I wouldn't call myself a lady killer (still working out to get rid of 20 years of gaming fat and the provider/follower mentality beat into my head since I was a child), I do very well overall. I've gotten laid at least 15-20 times in the past year (funny how now I forget I even hooked up with some women), and as I continue to get more and more in shape and sharpen my game, the ladies just seem to appear out of nowhere. Add in a devil-may-care attitude (I've got a good mix of asshole and good guy), and even a certain degree of women in their 20s are attracted. Oh, and in an interesting twist of karma, it turns out that heavy acne in teenage years tend to create a very youthful looking face in late 30s and beyond. Even though I'm 41 I'm often mistaken as being in my early 30s and am considered very handsome by many women. Who woulda thunk eh?

To a degree, I definitely agree with the "recapturing your youth" message in the OP. I rarely got laid in my 20s, and certainly like younger women, perhaps to a fault. So I for sure want to make sure I don't miss out on the young chicks while I can still get them, which means I get a lot of practice with rejection (which makes me so much more resilient). That being said I like a wide range of ages, anywhere from 18 to 55! One of my current lovers is 45 and she rides cock way better than those youngins that sometimes don't do more than lay there or stick their ass in the air. Pathetic. One thing's for sure...good looks do not necessarily make a girl a good lover.

I've still got a long ways to go, and I'll say the biggest benefit to me is that in my 40s I feel alive. I wouldn't say that I'm "haunted" by my past as much as I use my past as motivation to succeed. So many other men are stuck in dead-end marriages and boring careers with so little to live for. Meanwhile I'm out having the time of my life. I'm so very thankful for that, and thankful to GC for helping me in this journey. Without GC, I'd still be the same old pathetic guy I used to be.

 

[The Tool]

Re: Chase & Franco: How can late bloomers stop being haunted by what they missed

sly-

I disagree, again.

A psychologist helps "normal" people with their "normal" problems.

All therapy is going to do is promote prosocial behavior. In other terms, promote behavior that will benefit society...

Is that something you want to be a part of?

I am currently in a Masters/Graduate program.. so......

A therapists duty is to help their client with their problems. The client chooses their goals whatever those goals may be. The therapist works with them on obtaining those goals. It is not a therapists job to deem if ones behavior is healthy or not within reason. ex- extreme cases such as self harm or harm of others. That is up to the client. What is destructive for one person could be constructive for another.

A therapist helps with emotional, behavioral, and mental problems that interfere with a persons life (based on what the client feels is interfering. Again, within reason). And there are so many different styles of therapy that they all have different routes on how and when they get a person where they want to be. (Its up to the client based on intrinsic motivation to improve, and the therapist based on what they know and how they implement their techniques.)

So, Not so much to "promote behavior that will benefit society" but to promote behavior that will benefit the individual.

 

[Hue]

Re: Chase & Franco: How can late bloomers stop being haunted by what they missed

Oh Pry,

The initial reason I joined this GC was quite honestly to win back my ex. Thing is, I broke up with her because she wasn't who I thought she was. Once she got a new boyfriend I wanted her again, and became obsessed with "her beauty" and "our deep connection".

Here I am months later, more emotionally stable than then, and in realization of a a very important lesson:

The idea of having something is not having that thing. The things that are most difficult to have or are unattainable are often the most desired, but not necessarily the most satisfying.

If I may,
I suggest you identify the core idea of what you think will bring you satisfaction. Whatever qualia that thing possesses, I guarantee there are alternative methods of grasping it.

Hueman

 

[Parkour]

Re: Chase & Franco: How can late bloomers stop being haunted by what they missed

i think you shouldn't use the word haunted, it sets an arbitrary frame to describe some sort of distress or discomfort about missing out for a period of time that will never be part of your present reality that you have moving forward... the reason that it's a bad frame is that it paints the stress myopically as something that is draining and negative. But is it? Does it have to be? Isn't being here and improving with women paint the picture that it's actually motivating/constructive/energy producing?

I read a synopsis of "Antifragile" the other day and it resonated. Life only gives us so much pain to work with. With much of it, especially stuff like this, we can feed on it and adapt and get stronger. Not be broken and weaker. Not be resilient and get through it. But be stronger, more adapted to any other analog in life, and redundantly able to prevent or mitigate stresses like this from getting you down.

It's like the energy you get from giving up porn/no-fap. Yeah it's not comfortable and will leave you frustrated but that real energy can and should be used to go get what you need instead of being directed against yourself and turning you into sad depressed shell of yourself. That's the anti-victim cure. Bring the pain! Irreconcilable past of being lonely = power to transform yourself. Action is your medicine.

 

[Indian Race Troll (IRT)]

Re: Chase & Franco: How can late bloomers stop being haunted by what they missed

Shit gets me sometimes and I know it's going to be with me for a while. All I do now is maintain the hope that maybe life in the adult world isn't as boring, plain, and mediocre as they make it seem all the time. Currently working on my career and getting my life set up, it's going to eventually be lucrative for me. Improving my daily habits and working with guys on Girlschase (some of them through PMs!) to learn things about the game such as good locations, tactics, and a lot of other things.

I am thinking in my mid 20s I have time so whatever is left of my 20s, well I will use that time to try and put it together. Maybe I find a good social crowd, get some hot girls in my life, take a few pics to put up on Instagram, look even better than I do now as I plan on staying in shape, and then let the rest slowly work itself out.

Maybe one day when I am in my 30s, I end up being that rich douchebag with a hot wife.

 

[Orelfius]

Re: Chase & Franco: How can late bloomers stop being haunted by what they missed

How can late bloomer stop being haunted by what they missed…

Ok, so the point is stop being haunted ?

Ok so I have 3 strategies for you.

1) The therapist way

Grieving and mourning your loss. The loss of the life you would have lived.

2) The religious way

Another way to solve this is to turn toward religion and pray (if you have faith). The prayer of the serenity used by AA is designed specifically to handle those issues.

Here it is:
God, give me grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish the one from the other.

3) The humanist way.
(This one is my favourite)

By making your actual blooming (you know, the one that is late) fuller and stronger than what could have been.

1- You imagine what your "alternate life" could have been if it happened the way you wanted. (stay realistic: unicorns are still imaginary creatures that wouldn't have been part of your life)
2- Imagine how you can have an even better life than that.
3- Make that vision happen.
4- Realize that you needed to "miss the good life of a frat boy" in your past to live the "amazing life you are living now".

The fourth step is the most important. It's the one that give meaning to the unpleasant parts of your journey. You need to see how the bad past stuff lead to the good life of now. You need to understand that if you had it your way in the past, it would be a big lost now. To understand that your life would be worst and sadder now, because a key ingredient (learning, lesson, experience, etc.) would be missing.

Something like:
Bad life in high school --> learn emotional self-reliance --> lead to dare offend people around me -> lead to dare try new thing --> lead to travel the world --> lead to meet Mr. XYZ --> lead to start a business --> lead to awesome life of now.
.. but without the bad life in high school, with lot of support and validation, one doesn't learn self-reliance, so all the chain crumble and the awesome life of now isn't possible.

See how to do it?

Here an excellent example:

Oh, and in an interesting twist of karma, it turns out that heavy acne in teenage years tend to create a very youthful looking face in late 30s and beyond. Even though I'm 41 I'm often mistaken as being in my early 30s and am considered very handsome by many women. Who woulda thunk eh?

See the point? Acne (bad past) is a REQUIRED ingredient for youthful appearance and all the lays that come with it (good stuff now). Without the bad past, least interesting life now. It works so well that our friend Zaxxon23 (very good old classic game fellow gamer… ahhh sweet memories) is grateful instead of unhappy, even if he live a very similar situation as yours.

That's how you can give meaning to stuff happening. Well the humanist way.

So that's it: 3 differents ways to solve your issue.

 

[Indian Race Troll (IRT)]

Re: Chase & Franco: How can late bloomers stop being haunted by what they missed

I've been thinking about this, I can keep thinking about the past but I can't change that. What I can do is look forward to the future and do something about that. I was blindsided by popularity contests existing in college, thought in high school they were over, but they weren't. It's not that I can't get laid that hurts me, it's the fact that I have this hunger of being on top of a social hierarchy and knowing I am among the winners in the real world while I wasn't in high school or college. I guess it's more about me wanting to be popular after college to make up for the fact that I wasn't popular when I was in high school or college.

Franco,

It's good you brought up hot blondes, haven't been with one for a while now. Most of the women I have recently had sex with were brunettes or not even white. The sex felt great and I enjoyed it, even more so than I enjoyed the sex I had with the blondes I've been with (except for the one Russian girl I briefly dated). I never really thought about my attraction to blondes that way but I think that's it, that's why I love the idea of getting with them even though I admit (and agree with Chase's blonde bombshells article) that they aren't all that great.

Now that I think more about it, it's not that I want to get hot blondes because I am attracted to them, I want to get them as arm candy and as a way of throwing up a middle finger to the past. I want to get them because in high school and college, they symbolized what was popular (mostly all of the popular crowd was loaded with them). Yet at the same time I feel like getting hot blondes alone won't do it, I need to do other things to feel popular and to get that sort of feeling of belonging to a certain higher status crowd that others would try to be in.

I mean the only thing that comes to mind there after college are country clubs but as a guy in his mid 20s, too young for those. It's really that feeling I want, to feel like I am doing well in life and among those who are also doing well in life and have this sort of community or group I am a part of. I mean it's vain but that is what I am.

So the desire for popularity and validation is still there but I feel like I am making progress in thinking about now and the future, how it looks like in the adult world. As I said, I was completely blind sided by it in college and thought it ended in high school.

Guess sleeping with some more hot blondes would be a good start but haven't really tried to have success with them recently because I've had some good options with other kinds of women and man has the sex been amazing. Still I keep hungering for that popularity and being the cool kid feeling, don't think that's really going away.

 

[Indian Race Troll (IRT)]

Re: Chase & Franco: How can late bloomers stop being haunted by what they missed

While I have the time for it, I want to take this time to thank all the guys who took their time to write out this long responses not only on this thread of mines but on another one where I was bothered by the same thing. Right now in life, the popularity thing really is bothering me a lot. I have this desire to be popular and to feel like I belong to a higher value crowd and Franco has been more than helpful in this. Just have to say, there are a lot of great people on this forum and Franco has done so much not only for me but for many others. I am grateful that guys like him and many of you in here who are trying to help me are around.

With this thing, who knows. I've always been a naturally competitive guy even as a kid but circumstances out of my control in those years kinda stopped me from having certain experiences. What really appealed to me about being a part of the popular crowd in my teenage and college days was not only getting the hot girls but being around other higher value guys as friends. Feeling like I belonged to a special group that was objectively higher value on the top of a hierarchy because of its merits.

It's not just about the sex or even the riches, it's about that feeling of belonging and finding a quality tribe to be a part of. At the same time, also knowing that tribe is objectively higher in value than others, being on that winning team. Feeling like not only am I a winner but I am among winners because I was such a loser in high school and college. Wanting the same popularity contests to come back so I can have a fair shot this time around....

Took me a lot of time to think about what was missing but that's it, that's the issue. As for fixing it, who knows, as popularity contests don't really exist after college unfortunately.

 

[Grand Pooba]

Re: Chase & Franco: How can late bloomers stop being haunted by what they missed

While I have the time for it, I want to take this time to thank all the guys who took their time to write out this long responses not only on this thread of mines but on another one where I was bothered by the same thing. Right now in life, the popularity thing really is bothering me a lot. I have this desire to be popular and to feel like I belong to a higher value crowd and Franco has been more than helpful in this. Just have to say, there are a lot of great people on this forum and Franco has done so much not only for me but for many others. I am grateful that guys like him and many of you in here who are trying to help me are around.

With this thing, who knows. I've always been a naturally competitive guy even as a kid but circumstances out of my control in those years kinda stopped me from having certain experiences. What really appealed to me about being a part of the popular crowd in my teenage and college days was not only getting the hot girls but being around other higher value guys as friends. Feeling like I belonged to a special group that was objectively higher value on the top of a hierarchy because of its merits.

It's not just about the sex or even the riches, it's about that feeling of belonging and finding a quality tribe to be a part of. At the same time, also knowing that tribe is objectively higher in value than others, being on that winning team. Feeling like not only am I a winner but I am among winners because I was such a loser in high school and college. Wanting the same popularity contests to come back so I can have a fair shot this time around....

Took me a lot of time to think about what was missing but that's it, that's the issue. As for fixing it, who knows, as popularity contests don't really exist after college unfortunately.

I think the way to achieve what you're trying to achieve is to find a suitable purpose that really drives you, and dedicate your life to achieving it. If you pursue this, you will end up in circles with people passionate for the same thing. If you are truly paasionate, you can end up as a leader in whatever you pursue.

Look deep within, find a spirituality and a life cause or purpose that drives you.

Also, some of the people you look up to from high school, they had other issues at the time too, or even now, which you don't know about. The grass is always greener on the other side. Ever heard that phrase?

 

[Indian Race Troll (IRT)]

Re: Chase & Franco: How can late bloomers stop being haunted by what they missed

Somewhat, but I still do find myself obsessing over the validation, popularity, and social hierarchy aspect of it. It isn't enough that I find my crowd, the crowd has to have hot girls and cool guys in it and objectively has to be one that is above others. Just a part of the kind of person I am I guess, maybe that is what drew me to picking finance as my major in college. It's not just about doing well but doing better than most guys and having my crew to celebrate that win and superiority with.

I guess life gives everyone baggage and for me, this is definitely something I find myself having to deal with but I guess all I can really do is use it for good. Maybe try to use it to keep pushing myself in the game, going for hotter girls, creating a better social life, accomplishing more things, and maybe one day I might stumble upon something. Perhaps there is something out there for guys just like me.

Speaking of, I think that building a good social media presence, dating hot girls, doing interesting shit, and making lots of acquaintances might help me out in this regard. Who knows, maybe they have things similar to what I am looking for in the adult world. Now lets see what excitement this Friday night brings to my life.