Cluster B girl turned our whole friend group against me

[Renegade]

And now none of my friends want to see me anymore.

So I met this girl in school 6 months ago. We quickly became close: we bonded over our childhood traumas, its current effects, and the lack of support we get from society. It quickly became us vs. the world.

She had 3 male friends so I started hanging out with that group. It was the most welcoming and compassionate friend group I ever was in.

With the girl, we became really close. We swore we'll be there for each other for all our lives. She still lives with her very abusive parents, so she needed a ton of emotional support, and we the guys were giving it to her.

It was becoming difficult for me when she started overstepping my boundaries in many ways:

- she texted me a lot when she was su,cidal (like twice a week) and needed support. This drained me.
- she tickled me a lot and ridiculed me
- she was acting very hot/cold

Despite this we became close physically (always initiated by her). I was in the passenger seat, also because I knew her past (s.abused) and also she allegedly got r,ped by a past member of this friend group. Which I felt like wasn't really r,pe, she just regretted the decision and wanted to get rid of him.

Well anyway during the most intensive night where I fingered her and she was trying to frustrate me by edging me (she liked to do this a lot), she asked me to fulfill one of her wishes: spanking.

So I spanked her hard and she liked it. The next day she sent me a text saying it was amazing. She invited me for another round but I was tired so I declined.

Maybe I should have gone, especially since we haven't had sex yet and this could have been the best moment to do it. But I have my needs too and I was getting mad for only catering to hers. When I'm tired, I'm not going.

2 days later it was our group meeting and she invited a guy she told me she hated. But suddenly she liked him again. So I sent her a frustrated text, saying we should talk about who we invite.

We then had an argument, with a few of the guys present. And after this meeting, she just ghosted me.

And now, 2 weeks later (I'm used to giving her time, she used this "silent treatment" tactic a few times), one of the guys texted me that she told him she doesn't feel safe around me. And she doesn't want to see me anymore.

Inllying that it's something I did to her in the bedroom.

I mean, what? She always texted me it was amazing afterwards. I was always extremely sensitive and passive. How could her perception change weeks later?

It really made me mad. Now she doesn't want to see me anymore, and I don't even know the reason. And the guys don't know what's going on and they promised her they won't talk about it with me (because it's something sensitive). So I have no clue what I did wrong.

Any ideas what to do here? Thank you for reading.

 

[Warped Mindless]

Let me give you a few clues:

1) This girls is mentally and emotionally damaged and unstable. Stop trying to make sense of these kinds of women and stop putting any effort into them. They are, at best, fuck buddy material only and that’s only if they keep their drama in check during the LIMITED time you give her. You would do best just to respect yourself and avoid these women.

2) She’s fucking every guy in her little friends group and playing them all, and you, to gain the most attention and sympathy.

Give less fucks about her and more fucks about your goals.

 

[gameboy]

also she allegedly got r,ped by a past member of this friend group

She probably did the same thing to that guy.

 

[Renegade]

Let me give you a few clues:

1) This girls is mentally and emotionally damaged and unstable. Stop trying to make sense of these kinds of women and stop putting any effort into them. They are, at best, fuck buddy material only and that’s only if they keep their drama in check during the LIMITED time you give her. You would do best just to respect yourself and avoid these women.

2) She’s fucking every guy in her little friends group and playing them all, and you, to gain the most attention and sympathy.

Give less fucks about her and more fucks about your goals.

I know she is unstable and damaged. I'm damaged too though and I find this type of girls exciting. It was always my goal to find a girl like this. Like I don't want to marry her or anything, but they're just so similar to me and it's nice to have someone who understands you on a deep level.

Also, during the "love bombing" stage, her love and care was just so intensive, I want more of that.

So I don't want to leave yet, I want to play the game with her. Would you have any ideas for me in this case?

 

[Renegade]

She probably did the same thing to that guy.

It's likely. But I want to be stronger than him and stay in the group (be gave up and left). I also really like the guys, I want to continue being friends with them. So, can I do anything to make the group want to hang out with me again? They all follow after the girl, so I guess I'd need to be liked by her again. But she likely hates me now, if it's true that she has a personality disorder and I'm in the discard phase.

 

[TwoNameGame]

Classic emotional abuse and exploitation on her part. You knew she was unstable. It's likely she played everyone like she played you and the other guy she claimed was abusive.

Here's what you do:

1. Set boundaries. If she bypasses them, don't allow it and call it out.
2. Direct people to professionals. NEVER try to be their support. At best, you aren't qualified and the issues fester. At worst, it is draining and unhealthy for you.
3. Meet other women who respect you.

It may feel cold, but the reality is that you need to know your limits.

 

[Renegade]

Classic emotional abuse and exploitation on her part. You knew she was unstable. It's likely she played everyone like she played you and the other guy she claimed was abusive.

Here's what you do:

1. Set boundaries. If she bypasses them, don't allow it and call it out.
2. Direct people to professionals. NEVER try to be their support. At best, you aren't qualified and the issues fester. At worst, it is draining and unhealthy for you.
3. Meet other women who respect you.

It may feel cold, but the reality is that you need to know your limits.

Thank you. You're right. However I'm pretty sure that if I had strong boundaries, we would never become this close. So here, they would be a barrier.

I know it's not healthy at all. But I made the conscious decision to pursue her despite her being damaged and manipulative. I always wanted to try a girl like this. But I'm not done yet. I want to turn this around. Do you have any advice for that? I need something big-caliber, like I know that one thing her past partners did was threaten to hurt themselves if she doesn't talk to them. But I don't know if I would be willing to go this far.

 

[Will_V]

I want to play the game with her

Are you serious? This is a game where you'll probably end up getting jumped by guys she's turned against you, sent to jail with an FRA, or both.

I also noticed you said 'none of my friends' want to see me. And then you describe only these dudes who are her group not yours, chosen and vetted by her and not by you, who are probably only there because they think one day she might fuck them too, and who would almost certainly throw you under the bus to get her pussy. Sounds like a vipers nest to me.

It's clear that you're there not because you want to play games, but because you don't know where else to get friends and pussy. Well, that's something you're going to have to work very hard to change. Because if you keep messing around here, trying to chase this girl who has tooled you, denied you, flipped on you the moment you didn't obey her, turned guys against you, and has only got to make one call to the police (which she may yet do) to turn your life into a nightmare, things are going to get a whole lot worse.

Consider this a lesson, let her go, and focus on changing your circumstances instead so you can have all the things you want without having to put up with any bs.

 

[Hue]

So I sent her a frustrated text, saying we should talk about who we invite.

Would have been better you didn't do this.

As Warped mentioned, this chick is FB at the highest because of all the reasons mentioned. Tons of emotional instability, potential false rape accusations, issues at home, and she's got sexual relationships with more than just you throughout the social circle.

So why do you give a fuck? You sending her a frustrated text is needy. Work on how to be less needy when it comes to women's behaviors.

Why do you have expectations from her to act like a normal person / a girlfriend of some sort (being stable and proactive in talking to you about who she invites) when she's given you so much evidence of the contrary?



If your friends are ghosting you because of this chick, they're probably drinking the same punch you just were about the guy she "hated" lol. Let it blow over and and let her continue to act unstable, and maybe your group will realize you're not "in the wrong" so much.

If you do chose to keep this girl in your life, or maybe you have to, then I'd focus on feeding positive interactions and starving negative interactions.

What you did with the frustrated text was feed negative interactions, which is what she excels in. Don't be like her my guy.

 

[Will_V]

This isn't an fwb relationship or even close, it's been 6 months and still no sex. Seems unlikely any of the guys in the group have gotten any either.

This is a girl stringing guys along, manipulating them and turning them against eachother, and being a complete emotional vampire.

Time to set her on her way and not look back.

 

[Chase]

This isn't an fwb relationship or even close, it's been 6 months and still no sex.

Whoa.

I skimmed the OP... didn't even see that part until I got to this comment.

@Renegade, you haven't nailed this chick in 6 months of trying and she's wrecking your friend group.

What are you doing with this girl, man?

I know you have that other thread that is all about being an abuse victim and feeling needy and desperate.

Honestly it looks like you are doing the usual thing here of seeking out the same type of situation you were imprinted with... abused as a child so seek out a chick who will abuse you as an adult...

If that is the case, I doubt any of the guys here can really offer you advice you'll be open to.

You seem pretty adamant in that other thread about embracing the "abuse victim identity" and leaning into neediness/desperation. You seem pretty clear here about wanting to "see this through" with this chick, which anybody here can tell you is only going to get worse the more you do anything with this chick... and that "winning" with her is going to lead to a whole lotta "losing" not long after.

If you haven't read these two articles, you should, though I don't expect them to influence your decision making here:

Spotting (and Avoiding) Cluster B Women

As you grow and mature, learning how to get better with women, some interesting things will happen to you as a man. Some things that seemed exciting begin to lose their thrill, while other new possibilities will pop up and prove themselves to be even more exhilarating than your earlier...

www.girlschase.com

Girlfriend with Borderline Personality Disorder: You Must Escape

Girlfriends with borderline personality disorder can be the sexiest, most intoxicating partners you will ever have. They are also the most damaging ones you can have, and you should run. Lately I have been hearing from more and more guys dealing with girlfriends afflicted with borderline...

www.girlschase.com

Anyway... the only way you get out of the discard phase with chicks like this (or any chick) is by suddenly appearing much more valuable again and making her want to get access to that value.

Maybe that's suddenly you have a new cool social circle of awesome party people, or people have been seeing you going around with some really hot, popular girls, or whatever it is... you probably know what this girl values better than we do.

Then you just be cordial with her as you let her chase you and court you. Don't expect any apologies for her shitty behavior; she'll just pop back up again acting like nothing happened between the two of you wanting to go back to hanging out again.

That'll get you the "win"... hopefully at that point once you get a triumph here you can realize the whole situation is sub-optimal and can get that out of your system and move onto some kind of healthier dynamic with a not-so-broken chick.

edit: I removed FWB from the title since "FWB" is pretty universally understood to mean "we are friends who also fuck" but it looks like the only sexual-ish thing that happened here was spanking. Moved to the General Board since Relationships is exclusively for sexual relationships (i.e., you have to be having sex with her for it to qualify there).

Chase

 

[Warped Mindless]

Wait, you aren’t even fucking this girl OP?

Seek therapy.

I mean that in the nicest way.

 

[gameboy]

Intersting how people in abusive relationships seem to have a tendency to want to stay in those relationships regardless.

My buddy is currently "seeing" (actually, pining for) a girl who lived with him for a few weeks or months. She is now staying in a far away city and ghosted him for two weeks despite him texting her all the time. And he still sent her money for a plane ticket and is hoping she'll show up at his doorstep one day.

I mean even if she does, what is he hoping to gain? But apparently this is how toxic relationship dynamics work.

To OP I can only say, Chase's advice is good, find a friend group of your own and be seen with other girls.

 

[Renegade]

Whoa.

I skimmed the OP... didn't even see that part until I got to this comment.

@Renegade, you haven't nailed this chick in 6 months of trying and she's wrecking your friend group.

What are you doing with this girl, man?

I know you have that other thread that is all about being an abuse victim and feeling needy and desperate.

Honestly it looks like you are doing the usual thing here of seeking out the same type of situation you were imprinted with... abused as a child so seek out a chick who will abuse you as an adult...

If that is the case, I doubt any of the guys here can really offer you advice you'll be open to.

You seem pretty adamant in that other thread about embracing the "abuse victim identity" and leaning into neediness/desperation. You seem pretty clear here about wanting to "see this through" with this chick, which anybody here can tell you is only going to get worse the more you do anything with this chick... and that "winning" with her is going to lead to a whole lotta "losing" not long after.

If you haven't read these two articles, you should, though I don't expect them to influence your decision making here:

Spotting (and Avoiding) Cluster B Women

As you grow and mature, learning how to get better with women, some interesting things will happen to you as a man. Some things that seemed exciting begin to lose their thrill, while other new possibilities will pop up and prove themselves to be even more exhilarating than your earlier...

www.girlschase.com

Girlfriend with Borderline Personality Disorder: You Must Escape

Girlfriends with borderline personality disorder can be the sexiest, most intoxicating partners you will ever have. They are also the most damaging ones you can have, and you should run. Lately I have been hearing from more and more guys dealing with girlfriends afflicted with borderline...

www.girlschase.com

Anyway... the only way you get out of the discard phase with chicks like this (or any chick) is by suddenly appearing much more valuable again and making her want to get access to that value.

Maybe that's suddenly you have a new cool social circle of awesome party people, or people have been seeing you going around with some really hot, popular girls, or whatever it is... you probably know what this girl values better than we do.

Then you just be cordial with her as you let her chase you and court you. Don't expect any apologies for her shitty behavior; she'll just pop back up again acting like nothing happened between the two of you wanting to go back to hanging out again.

That'll get you the "win"... hopefully at that point once you get a triumph here you can realize the whole situation is sub-optimal and can get that out of your system and move onto some kind of healthier dynamic with a not-so-broken chick.

edit: I removed FWB from the title since "FWB" is pretty universally understood to mean "we are friends who also fuck" but it looks like the only sexual-ish thing that happened here was spanking. Moved to the General Board since Relationships is exclusively for sexual relationships (i.e., you have to be having sex with her for it to qualify there).

Chase

I never wanted this girl though! I don't even find her that attractive. I literally just wanted to be friends with her, we had great connection and that's where I wanted it to stay. She was a great friend, gave me a lot of presents and compliments.. (this might have been the love bombing stage though - but then again, good friends are nice to each other too).

But then suddenly she started coming on to me very strong. She was all over me, literally in front of the other guys. Also she asked me what things I found attractive, and the next week she had all of that stuff on her (a choker, eyeliner wings, clothes I liked..). So she was the one who basically seduced me.

I could have moved faster, but 1) I still didn't want her that much, and 2) anytime I made a step forward, she retracted. The only thing that worked was just being passive and taking it. Even little things like looking at her first made her want me less. She HAD to be the one chasing me.

So that's why it took 6 months. I never wanted anything, and every step was such a pain (like the first kiss, that "traumatised" her for a week, that she told everyone in the group about, and due to which we had many stages of "who wants it less".

Anyway, thank you for the advice. It really hurts that I have to loose this girl. And yes, even when I win this small battle (to at least keep the guy friends), I have no other choice than to let her go later.

Which sucks because I've never gotten so much understanding about trauma, being a victim, mental issues.. I was able to be REAL with these people. To present myself as what I am: a victim. I left PUA communities because they didn't like my victim "mindset". And I found these guys. And now I have to leave the one that understood me the most.

And also, again, in this case I'm not "choosing" to stay in relationships that mimic my childhood abuse. This girl gave me tons of validation and so, being so depraved of it, of course I stayed and ignored the red flags. It's how my brain is built: I survived as a child thanks to ignoring red flags. It's automatic and it will take experiences such as this one to rewrite it.

 

[Renegade]

Are you serious? This is a game where you'll probably end up getting jumped by guys she's turned against you, sent to jail with an FRA, or both.

I also noticed you said 'none of my friends' want to see me. And then you describe only these dudes who are her group not yours, chosen and vetted by her and not by you, who are probably only there because they think one day she might fuck them too, and who would almost certainly throw you under the bus to get her pussy. Sounds like a vipers nest to me.

It's clear that you're there not because you want to play games, but because you don't know where else to get friends and pussy. Well, that's something you're going to have to work very hard to change. Because if you keep messing around here, trying to chase this girl who has tooled you, denied you, flipped on you the moment you didn't obey her, turned guys against you, and has only got to make one call to the police (which she may yet do) to turn your life into a nightmare, things are going to get a whole lot worse.

Consider this a lesson, let her go, and focus on changing your circumstances instead so you can have all the things you want without having to put up with any bs.

Thank you, all of that is true.

However I don't think you can have nice things without sacrifices. In this friend group, I got everything I ever wanted: unconditional love, support, understanding.. and also interest in me as a person.

These things aren't "free". So the fact that there was this girl with her dramas is the price I had to pay.

This is a messed up example, but whenever my parents gave me a gift, or even a hug, they have beaten me afterwards so that "I don't get used to niceness". This taught me that lesson.

So it is true that I'm with these friends because I have no better option. But I can't really choose.

Also I find it enjoyable and important to bring some sense and reality to the world of this girl and her group. She can't be doing this stuff and get away with it. Maybe I'll help everyone be a little more healthy.

 

[Renegade]

Would have been better you didn't do this.

As Warped mentioned, this chick is FB at the highest because of all the reasons mentioned. Tons of emotional instability, potential false rape accusations, issues at home, and she's got sexual relationships with more than just you throughout the social circle.

So why do you give a fuck? You sending her a frustrated text is needy. Work on how to be less needy when it comes to women's behaviors.

Why do you have expectations from her to act like a normal person / a girlfriend of some sort (being stable and proactive in talking to you about who she invites) when she's given you so much evidence of the contrary?



If your friends are ghosting you because of this chick, they're probably drinking the same punch you just were about the guy she "hated" lol. Let it blow over and and let her continue to act unstable, and maybe your group will realize you're not "in the wrong" so much.

If you do chose to keep this girl in your life, or maybe you have to, then I'd focus on feeding positive interactions and starving negative interactions.

What you did with the frustrated text was feed negative interactions, which is what she excels in. Don't be like her my guy.

Yeah but I just can't take so much weird behavior towards me. It would take a saint to take everything ahe does and not react. Actually not a saint but someone with no boundaries at all.

So when I saw some inconsistencies in her behaviours, like a good friend I called her out. Because she knew about her mental issues and wanted to work on them. And I wanted to support her in that.

Unfortunately whenever I brought anything she did that was wrong (overstepping boundaries, acting unstable, etc.) she took it as a personal attack.

But she was my friend and I need the people around me to make sense. I need them to have responsibility and integrity. So I thought I'd instill that into her.

I can't just give up and leave. It took me 4 years (!) to find a friend group this good and supportive.

 

[Renegade]

This isn't an fwb relationship or even close, it's been 6 months and still no sex. Seems unlikely any of the guys in the group have gotten any either.

This is a girl stringing guys along, manipulating them and turning them against eachother, and being a complete emotional vampire.

Time to set her on her way and not look back.

What you say is true. But it's also true that both her and the other guys are some of the most supportive, understanding, loving, trauma-informed people I've ever met.

I spent 4 years looking for a friend group like this. We also had plans to live together and to have this friendship last till our deaths. It's a pity she caused so much drama, but I don't think I can find a group this supportive. I was looking for 4 years! I was gonna give up on life but then I found these guys and they gave me hope. And now, nothing..

 

[Renegade]

Wait, you aren’t even fucking this girl OP?

Seek therapy.

I mean that in the nicest way.

I'm doing intensive therapy twice a week :/

I didn't even want this girl, that's why it took so long. She was repulsive to me in some ways even. But the way she was interested in me and threw herself towards me, it was difficult to not go for it in the end.

Also I'm sure if I didn't want her she would do something to revenge that as well.

 

[Renegade]

Intersting how people in abusive relationships seem to have a tendency to want to stay in those relationships regardless.

My buddy is currently "seeing" (actually, pining for) a girl who lived with him for a few weeks or months. She is now staying in a far away city and ghosted him for two weeks despite him texting her all the time. And he still sent her money for a plane ticket and is hoping she'll show up at his doorstep one day.

I mean even if she does, what is he hoping to gain? But apparently this is how toxic relationship dynamics work.

To OP I can only say, Chase's advice is good, find a friend group of your own and be seen with other girls.

I don't have a tendency to stay in these relationships. I would stay in any relationship. I just don't have any boundaries, because I was taught that having them ruins the connection.

And sure enough, with this girl, anytime I set up a boundary, it created problems. No boundaries = no problems.

So it's not that I'm seeking toxic relationships. It's just that these types are the only ones that stick around. It's all subconscious.

And yes, I made the choice to meet healthy people instead. But as I said, they just never stick around.

About being seen with other girls, I can't really do that since the girl doesn't want to see me or even text me. I have to play this directly somehow. I need some toxic tactic that she's used to and that will work on her.

 

[Hue]

Yeah but I just can't take so much weird behavior towards me. It would take a saint to take everything ahe does and not react. Actually not a saint but someone with no boundaries at all.

It would take a reasonable person to just remove her from your life and set your own boundaries with yourself to not let people like her into your life.

But hey man if you want that sort of energy around you, be my guest.

Unfortunately whenever I brought anything she did that was wrong (overstepping boundaries, acting unstable, etc.) she took it as a personal attack.

Uh, yeah lol she's a woman. Women hardly ever respond well to confrontation.

But she was my friend and I need the people around me to make sense. I need them to have responsibility and integrity. So I thought I'd instill that into her.

You can't control people. If you need your friends to have responsibility and integrity, then go find people who have responsibility and integrity and befriend them. Did she come to you asking, "please teach me Mr. Renegade how can I be more responsible and absorb your integrity!!" ?

I can't just give up and leave. It took me 4 years (!) to find a friend group this good and supportive.

There's a big world out there man.

I'm not asking you to leave all your friends and I'm not sure why you're jumping to that catastrophic end? I am asking you to consider who amongst your peer group is actually in alignment with your values and wants your life to be better - right now it doesn't sound like this chick really fits that description.


Best of luck,
Hue