Coming off as serious a good thing?

[TheWiseFool]

So a girl told me that when she first met me she thought I was really serious. I asked her to explain and she didn't do a great job of explaining, but what I got from it was that I came off as a well-put together guy, so I asked if she meant intimidating and she said yes. I proceeded to ask, "Is that good?" which promted to say that there was nothing wrong with that, she just didn't think there was a kid in me until now (I've been spending some time with this girl because she has a lot of traits that I enjoy).

Does this happen to any of you guys? Coming off as intimidating? Is it the clothes, how I carry myself, not making any effort to please others? I associated coming off as intimidating due to some sort of attainability factor, but I could be wrong. I don't walk around with a scowl on my face and I would consider myself as being socially adroit.

Main point being, I notice this a lot and would like some insight into any of your lives as to whether or not any of you experience this? People are nicer to me and others are intimidated. I know I can't please everyone but the judgement people pass based on looks makes me sad because of the saying, "Still waters run deep" or "There's more beneath the surface." I like the way that I am now and will only change if the change is for the better.

 

[Marty]

I'm subscribing to this topic because I have been frequently told by women that I am so serious and usually (pre-Girls Chase days) responding by saying "Sorry about that" (misunderstanding their meaning), to which the girl would reply "Don't apologize" and proceed to comply with escalation or even get into a relationship with me. In my case it seems to be a way they have of telling me they're interested.

Basically my understanding is that it's code for "I like you because you seem a reliable and dependable guy and unlikely to dump me quickly and treat me like dirt, as other men do".

I have nothing to contribute on this thread, but everything to learn, so I want to make sure I'm subscribed!

 

[PinotNoir]

James Bond is also always serious

I think your eye contact and facial expressions are probably just really strong. I bet girls even tell you something like, "The way you look into my eyes..... I just feel overwhelmed" or something. They're just not used to it. Overall, I think this is a good thing as long as you are getting good results in turn.

However, if a girl tells you this and you aren't getting good results, then you may be coming off as too serious when it's a playful moment/environment. It depends on where you are and how the girl says it.

Good scenarios:
- "You're so serious!" and she playfully hits your shoulder or touches you.
- When you're alone together, "You're so serious...." said softly or at normal volume, and she looks at you coyly or looks down in a shy way.
- She says it, and she begins to "search" with her eyes (looking at your eyes and around, trying to "find" something).

Bad scenarios:
- At a party, she says "You're being so serious!" in a bitchy tone.
- "You're too serious" and immediately looks away and begins talking to someone else (or goes back to playing on her phone or something if you're alone).

Think about what you just did too or what you just did together. If you never smiled at any jokes or maybe only talked about work, I can see this being a negative comment trying to get you to open up to her (which could be good and making you Byronic; but, as we know at GC, never smiling can cross the line into "creepy" as well).

I usually only get this with younger girls, to be honest.

I think if you get it too often in a negative way that you need to add a bit more playfulness and a few smirks/smiles into your interactions. Especially on a date, you don't want it to feel like an interview or a job. But, at the same time, the complete opposite of serious is "really fun guy" that is the clown and is completely void of anything sexual in women's eyes.

The next time a girl says this, try adding in a bit of spice or playfulness at the comment:

>"You're so serious."
1. "Someone's got to keep the world running."
2. "Good. I've fooled you." (Along the lines of "I guess you don't know me as well as you think.")
3. "You're right. Maybe I should be more playful." Then kiss her right on the lips. (When in seduction location.)
4. Lean in very close to her with strong eye contact.... like right up to her face. "Is this too serious?"
5. If it's just a platonic girl, say "Why so serious?" in the voice of Joker from Dark Knight.

 

[Doctor]

Assuming you're out on a date, in my experience, rough translations from girl speak are;
"You're too serious" means "You're too boring"
"You're being really serious" means "You're being really boring"
"You're a really serious person aren't you?" means "I'm probably going to leave if this doesn't become more exciting"

I would take it as a signal you need to loosen up a bit and be more playful with her. When you hear her say these things you should really hear her saying "feel free to actually excite me at any point". Sorry if this all sounds a bit harsh but that's my interpretation; a girl will never come straight out and say you are boring her, she will just throw hints like this out there.

To me this is an expected stage the journey of learning game, especially if you used to be a pushover before learning this material. Yes you need to learn presence and how to be a strong man but once you have that as a base you need to learn to take the edge off a bit. A man with the qualities of a strong powerful guy will be intimidating but you need to use playfulness and fun to soften this when around girls. If you are intimidating girls and scaring them (these are not emotions girls like to feel), or just taking things too seriously (and boring them), this could be where the "serious" comments are coming from.

If you are hearing comments like this often I would say you probably have a solid base as a sexy strong powerful man now you just need to take the edge off by learning to be playful and exciting. Yes James Bond is serious when he needs to be but he is also playful and exciting (in a manly way of course)!

I would say the best place to start is to learn not to give a fuck, take yourself less seriously, put a smile on your face and enjoy the ridiculous dance that is the mating game!

 

[TheWiseFool]

Hey guys,

I saw your responses right away, I am just having trouble making the correct response. I'll get back ASAP, but finals is eating up a good chunk of my time. I believe I figured out the answer to my question while writing my response, but I am going to post it up anyway.

- TWF

 

[TheWiseFool]

Thanks for the reply guys.

The question I ask pertains more so to first impressions. Impressions based strictly off of your looks.

Her statement came to her as moment of clarity in which she was surprised to see that there existed another side of me outside of impressions based on looks and quick conversation.

Example: you see a girl who is has a great sense of fashion with a walk that is both sexy and confident; her face is certainly above the average plain jane and you can't help but wonder what she's thinking about when you note that her facial expression is one of deep thought and purpose. You haven't said a word to her yet but you want to talk to her even though she hasn't given you any sort of sign that she wants to be opened.

To add more...

What would you do in real life? Your thoughts and actions, what would they be like walking up to her? Nervous, shitting confidence, or a tactile approach that keeps you level headed? You end up opening her and she is surprised but steels herself once again after realizing that she doesn't know you. Her automatic response is to be a little defensive and weirded out, but she's stopped to hear what you've had to say so you encourage yourself to keep going and see where things may lead to. You make conversation, basic questions to feel each her out. You note that her facial expressions reveals very little information about what's going on inside of that pretty little head of hers; the only thing you know is that she is scanning and analyzing you with her cool, calm eyes: up and down, left and right, sometimes she stops to give you eye contact, but you can't seem to capture her attention any longer than a few seconds at a time. Her answers are matter of fact as well: quick, polite, revealing as little information as possible. You are a little worried because she isn't putting in any effort to help you out here, the only thing that is keeping you going is the thought that "she hasn't left yet, she hasn't left yet." After running the gauntlet, she tells you that she'd love to keep talking but she has to go. You're thinking, "Man I totally fucked this up. This girl would never go out with me. It's clear she was just being nice because I walked up to her. Oh what do I care, she seems really boring anyway. I bet she has no mind for fun, all business with girls like her." But you check yourself again, thinking, "Man, you've come this far, what do you have to lose?" So you ask for her number and to your surprise she agrees and you exchange digits.

If we switch the roles, I think this is how girls (not just girls, but most people) feel around me. There is this pressure in the air that creates tension and the other person(s) just have this need to please, to validate oneself, to establish rapport. The reality behind such people may be something less than perfect or having it together; I'll let you guys fill in the blanks.

PN,

I think I am definitely in with this girl because she is giving me a lot of the positive cues that you mentioned in your response so I am thankful
You are definitely right about the eye contact being really strong. If I give my usual eye contact, this girl's facial expression would exude this, "Oh gosh, what did I do look," and suddenly she is more cautious about what she says or does around me. Is this a good or bad thing? I think it is a double edged sword in the sense that a girl will be more inclined towards aiming at saying the "right" thing but establishing comfort is a bit more difficult. Does anyone know what I should do in this case? How to relax a girl... The only time I feel like things are working, in terms of getting a girl to relax, is when I rely more so on my own experience and use the info from GC when I really need it.

I think if you get it too often in a negative way that you need to add a bit more playfulness and a few smirks/smiles into your interactions. Especially on a date, you don't want it to feel like an interview or a job. But, at the same time, the complete opposite of serious is "really fun guy" that is the clown and is completely void of anything sexual in women's eyes.

This is right on the money. I'm literally in the baby-stage of this whole playful-serious subject. Again, this is probably an experience thing that will develop by spending more time with girls and meeting more girls.

I would take it as a signal you need to loosen up a bit and be more playful with her. When you hear her say these things you should really hear her saying "feel free to actually excite me at any point". Sorry if this all sounds a bit harsh but that's my interpretation; a girl will never come straight out and say you are boring her, she will just throw hints like this out there.

Also agree with this Doc, and I encourage you to be as straight-forward as possible haha. Communication over the internet can be quite difficult. I've definitely increased my level of playfulness even though I don't really like it... I feel like I am dealing with a child everytime this happens, not just this girls but all girls. I just know right away when someone is bullshitting me or trying to act cute and I just don't like it.... another indicator that I really need to loosen up and relax.

I have toned down much more than how I was last week, but I have a loooong way to go!
- TWF