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- Mar 1, 2013
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I was writing upon this topic originally to post on the main site, but my writing had gotten shoddy since I haven't written for the main site in a while so I'll be posting it here for starters.
Something I've seen a lot of guys lacking is an demeanor of assertiveness, and while it is something that tends to develop on it's own as you get better with women: I feel like a proper write up on the subject will definitely help everybody regardless of skill level.
With Franco's recent compilations of "The Best Of" for each board section, you can see the changes that have taken place in my PU career and style, but more importantly, you're able to see the development of assertiveness, and the ascension from "nice guy" to "sexual, and assertive guy." I'm saying this because I know fully well how hard it is to properly be assertive and tell a girl you think she's cute, or that you want to kiss her. I used to be a guy who did arbitrary tasks for girl friends who had become my focus in the hopes that she'd one day see the good in me... Kind of depressing for me to think about
Fellas! Time to batten down the hatches, and make the change!
With developing assertiveness, I've noticed a few changes in my life, like:
-I vastly improved the quality of relationships and friendships
-I developed a load of self confidence and self efficacy
-I could communicate more effectively
-I had the freedom to live as I wanted because I could assert myself
Developing assertiveness takes time, focus, and conscious effort - as well as adaptation to a new lifestyle.
So how do you actually do it?
-Cut off the relationships that are going nowhere and don't support you.
-Start to focus more on yourself and the things that are important to you
-Start to say no.
-Starting expressing yourself more (which helps alot with women)
-Establish foundations in your life, or boundaries in your life that you will not stray from for anyone.
Let's dive a bit further!
"I" Statements - Something I picked up after reading more and more communication books and things of that nature. I statements are pretty self-explanatory, and simple but are immensely powerful because they put the power in your hands.
What's the difference between:
"You make me feel unwanted when you decide to party with friends without inviting me."
vs.
"I feel unwanted when you party with friends without inviting me because it's showing me that you don't care about my company..."
I statements allow you to take responsibility for your feelings instead of blaming others or giving the credit to others. Women are far more receptive to men who take responsibility for their feelings as well. Which sounds more attractive to you?
"You make me feel like my heart's on fire when you're around."
vs.
"I feel like my heart's on fire when you're around because you..."
Now, a personal favorite of mine!
Being Direct - I absolutely love this. I, like a lot of women, respect people who get to the point and state their intentions rather than cloaking them in 5 minutes of speech. I know too many people who feel like they have to explain and explain and explain their piece to get a point across or reduce the weight of their point. Just say it.
"Can you babysit on Friday?"
vs.
"Are you available of Friday because XYZ has to work from 8-5, and I doubt I'll be home in time to watch him myself, plus I gotta run to the store and do XYZ, and ZYX, and after that..."
The former is much more respectable than the first, and this notion is true with women as well.
"How about we grab coffee sometime soon?"
vs.
"You're really cute, and attractive and I'd love to take you out for coffee sometime, but not Friday or Saturday because I'm busy with..." (and yes... I know guys who still do this)
Don't Apologize - Apologizing for how you feel is like apologizing for being real. If you feel something then don't apologize or be sorry for feeling it. What I find funny now, is how "nice guys" will feel guilty and sorry for asking for something that's already perfectly justified.
"I'm sorry Celestina, but I really want to kiss you."
vs.
*Manhandle Kiss*
I know that saying you're sorry is more of a way for guys to justify a rejection they feel is coming anyway, and it works as a defense mechanism, but, if you are a guy who apologizes, then understand that it's probably your apology that's causing the rejection.
No Explanation Needed - You absolutely do not have to justify your reasons for doing anything. Throughout my time on the site, I've seen guys give lengthy explanations for flaking or for doing whatever.
"Hey Christen, I'm not going to be able to make it on Friday because my boss decided to be a dick and give me the night shift, and switch my schedule with James because he asked for..." NO! Don't do it.
Just be direct and straightforward, and if you absolutely have to, offer a small explanation, like so:
"Hey Christen, I can't make it on Friday."
or
"Hey Christen, my boss has me working Friday now so I won't be able to make the date."
As an assertive man, it is not your job to take responsibility for anyone's feelings expect your own. It's not your job (and I had a hell of a time letting this notion go) to make other people feel anything whether it be happy or sad or attracted.
As an assertive man, it is your obligation to live your life for yourself while understanding the wants and needs of others. You should put your wants and needs first, but not at the expense of another person's harm or extreme discomfort. I'm asking you to be assertive, not be a jerk
I hope you all enjoyed this,
-Richard
Something I've seen a lot of guys lacking is an demeanor of assertiveness, and while it is something that tends to develop on it's own as you get better with women: I feel like a proper write up on the subject will definitely help everybody regardless of skill level.
With Franco's recent compilations of "The Best Of" for each board section, you can see the changes that have taken place in my PU career and style, but more importantly, you're able to see the development of assertiveness, and the ascension from "nice guy" to "sexual, and assertive guy." I'm saying this because I know fully well how hard it is to properly be assertive and tell a girl you think she's cute, or that you want to kiss her. I used to be a guy who did arbitrary tasks for girl friends who had become my focus in the hopes that she'd one day see the good in me... Kind of depressing for me to think about
Fellas! Time to batten down the hatches, and make the change!
With developing assertiveness, I've noticed a few changes in my life, like:
-I vastly improved the quality of relationships and friendships
-I developed a load of self confidence and self efficacy
-I could communicate more effectively
-I had the freedom to live as I wanted because I could assert myself
Developing assertiveness takes time, focus, and conscious effort - as well as adaptation to a new lifestyle.
So how do you actually do it?
-Cut off the relationships that are going nowhere and don't support you.
-Start to focus more on yourself and the things that are important to you
-Start to say no.
-Starting expressing yourself more (which helps alot with women)
-Establish foundations in your life, or boundaries in your life that you will not stray from for anyone.
Let's dive a bit further!
"I" Statements - Something I picked up after reading more and more communication books and things of that nature. I statements are pretty self-explanatory, and simple but are immensely powerful because they put the power in your hands.
What's the difference between:
"You make me feel unwanted when you decide to party with friends without inviting me."
vs.
"I feel unwanted when you party with friends without inviting me because it's showing me that you don't care about my company..."
I statements allow you to take responsibility for your feelings instead of blaming others or giving the credit to others. Women are far more receptive to men who take responsibility for their feelings as well. Which sounds more attractive to you?
"You make me feel like my heart's on fire when you're around."
vs.
"I feel like my heart's on fire when you're around because you..."
Now, a personal favorite of mine!
Being Direct - I absolutely love this. I, like a lot of women, respect people who get to the point and state their intentions rather than cloaking them in 5 minutes of speech. I know too many people who feel like they have to explain and explain and explain their piece to get a point across or reduce the weight of their point. Just say it.
"Can you babysit on Friday?"
vs.
"Are you available of Friday because XYZ has to work from 8-5, and I doubt I'll be home in time to watch him myself, plus I gotta run to the store and do XYZ, and ZYX, and after that..."
The former is much more respectable than the first, and this notion is true with women as well.
"How about we grab coffee sometime soon?"
vs.
"You're really cute, and attractive and I'd love to take you out for coffee sometime, but not Friday or Saturday because I'm busy with..." (and yes... I know guys who still do this)
Don't Apologize - Apologizing for how you feel is like apologizing for being real. If you feel something then don't apologize or be sorry for feeling it. What I find funny now, is how "nice guys" will feel guilty and sorry for asking for something that's already perfectly justified.
"I'm sorry Celestina, but I really want to kiss you."
vs.
*Manhandle Kiss*
I know that saying you're sorry is more of a way for guys to justify a rejection they feel is coming anyway, and it works as a defense mechanism, but, if you are a guy who apologizes, then understand that it's probably your apology that's causing the rejection.
No Explanation Needed - You absolutely do not have to justify your reasons for doing anything. Throughout my time on the site, I've seen guys give lengthy explanations for flaking or for doing whatever.
"Hey Christen, I'm not going to be able to make it on Friday because my boss decided to be a dick and give me the night shift, and switch my schedule with James because he asked for..." NO! Don't do it.
Just be direct and straightforward, and if you absolutely have to, offer a small explanation, like so:
"Hey Christen, I can't make it on Friday."
or
"Hey Christen, my boss has me working Friday now so I won't be able to make the date."
As an assertive man, it is not your job to take responsibility for anyone's feelings expect your own. It's not your job (and I had a hell of a time letting this notion go) to make other people feel anything whether it be happy or sad or attracted.
As an assertive man, it is your obligation to live your life for yourself while understanding the wants and needs of others. You should put your wants and needs first, but not at the expense of another person's harm or extreme discomfort. I'm asking you to be assertive, not be a jerk
I hope you all enjoyed this,
-Richard