Do I stay or leave?

[Niall43]

Hi, my name is Niall and I'm 25 years old. This is probably gonna be a pretty long post, just a heads up.
I'm having some troubles with a girl I'm seeing and was wondering if you guys could give me some help.

Me and this girl, who is really sweet, funny, good-looking, met like 4 months ago in a nightclub. She had a boyfriend at the time who she'd been with for two years. We talked a lot, danced and had fun. When it was time to go home she said out loud that she needed a place to sleep. Her friend, who she was gonna spend the night at, went home with her fling, and this girl she lives out of town and the busses didn't go at this hour, so I said that she could sleep at my place. That night I tried to escalate with her but nothing happend.
We exchanged numbers the day after and texted a lot and she ended up sleeping at my place again the day after. After a lot of resistance she gave in and we had sex. We continued seeing each other while she had a boyfriend. During this period, he was out of town.
The times we met she explained to me how her relationship with him was bad and that he was very controlling and was forcing her to show him her texts, facebook etc. She said that it should've ended but it just didn't happen.
A month after we first met her bf breaks up with her. She is pretty sad at first but still wants to see me and says that it was for the best since they just argued a lot and he was being a dick.

Now we've seen each other a lot since then, like everyday for one or two weeks at a time, and I just can't let go of the thought that she will cheat on me. I mean she did it with me and could probably do it against me.
We recently decided that we are a couple. She then also said "I think I love u", to which I didn't reply. The thing is after we had been dating for like 2 months, so probably one month after her old bf broke up with her, my curiosity got the better out of me so I went through her phone and personal blog, I know it's shameful and I feel really bad about it. I found however that she's been texting this guy who lives in another country a lot of stuff. She said she dreamed about them being naked and kissing, she said that he looked gorgeous and that one day she would kiss him. On her blog she wrote a lot about her missing her boyfriend but being angry at him for being such a dick. Her old bf btw is a really controlling guy, he texted her like 20 times in a row even though she didn't answer, calling five times in a row and she didn't answer. Basically she ignored him pretty much when she was with me, except for short texts.

I confronted her about what I found on her phone and she said this guy was just a friend. That was not true I can assure you since she asked him how long they've known each other to which he replied "I dunno a couple of months" when she told me before his answer they've been friends for years. Anyways when this happend we were kinda in the dating phase but had not said that we were a couple. She apologized a lot for hurting my feelings and I was really close to "breaking up" with her. She cried and said that she would do anything to make this work and that she wanted us to try, to give us a shot. I agreed after thinking- better to try now instead of wondering what could've been.

There are things that tell me that she really likes me for example:
She's almost always the one the text me first
When she sleeps over and I gotta go to work at 8 in the morning, she gets up out of bed just to make me breakfast..
She has that look in her eyes, can't explain it but you guys know the one.
She said "I think I love u". I believe she's just a bit afraid of saying it with the whole I think-part. She says that she's afraid to seem needy and she doesn't wanna scare me away
When she's planning to go out she invites me
She said recently that she wants to get to know me more and that we should go out on like a proper date, since we've just fucked a lot and taking it easy at my place.
She compliments me a lot and said "you're the kind of guy who could get any girl u want, why are u with me?"
I've given her so many chances to get out if she wasn't serious about this, but she hasn't taken them and instead wanted to keep seeing me.
She tells me I'm really hot, nice, supportive and that I make her feel good. She says I'm her best lay ever, she has only been with 5 guys though.
There's more like this, basically most things she does tells me that she's honest about her feelings for me. She told me that she thinks "we" are pretty secure but a small part of her is really scared that I will leave her on a whim and that she will get hurt.
She also says stuff like "If we're still seeing each other when it's christmas I'm gonna get you this or that". When she's talking about stuff we are gonna do in the future she always adds "if we're still seeing each other"

This other day though, I saw an old sweater, that was in her bag that she brought with her clothes and stuff, that her old bf been texting her about that she should pick up otherwise he would throw it away. I asked her if she'd seen him, she said yes and that she was planning to tell me before we went to bed because then we often have like little talks. She didn't want to make a bad mood, which she was right would've and did happen. Anyways I'm kinda over this since she actually did tell me she saw him and didn't lie about it. But how can I know nothing happend between them when they saw each other..?

Sorry for a huge wall of text that's pretty messy. But I just can't figure out if I should leave now or stay with her? Aside from the texting the guy in a different country thing, and that happend when it wasn't really that serious between us. She really hasn't done anything not to earn my trust. And almost everything tells me that she's really into me. She seems to have this great vision of me being heavily preselected and confident etc. Which is true but I've always been so bored with the girls I've been seeing except this girl. Things just feels really good with her except this whole trust issue I have. This girl however has a really lousy confidence and feels really bad about herself etc etc.

I'm just wondering what you guys would make of all this? I can't really figure out what I want to do. I think about this a lot and I worry that she's cheating on me, or texting that guy again or something. I also had a dream last night about her cheating on me with her old boyfriend. Thing is our relationship feels to good to walk away from because I suspect her cheating, without any real proof. What if she isn't cheating and I'm leaving just because I'm insecure. I'm not sure if I wanna stay though because this really isn't the guy I am. In the past I'd leave her for someone else, just because I usually gets really bored with girls pretty fast and want something new.

I've tried to reason with myself though, that I can never control her anyways even if I try and that all this suspecting and thinking really does nothing. If it happens it will happen, I should just try to enjoy the now. I'm just having a hard time getting these thoughts out.
Just random stuff here:
We have really great sex, she comes a lot.
We're really open about everything, she has told me stuff she hasn't even told her best friend. She's tried to kill herself in the past, she was raped by a guy when she was at a party etc, so I know she trusts me, otherwise, why would she tell me really personal stuff like that?
Almost at the same time I found out she texted that guy in another country, I kissed a girl who I was dating about a year ago. I told her this.
She's really supportive and always want's to cook me dinner and do the dishes etc.
To sum it up, she really acts like girls do when they're in love with someone.

If you got this far, thanks for reading, I appreciate it. What would you guys have done if you were in my position?

 

[trashKENNUT]

Niall43,

I have read all of the post. It's time you leave.

You were needy afterawhile, She had a bad past, She's a TR/EX, liberal, but there are many secrets she's hiding. There's too many things wrong that it is hard to point, and worse still, to recover the relationship. It's best you leave to keep your self-esteem high, and i believe you know where you did went wrong.



Zac

 

[Niall43]

Thank ZacAdam for your reply. How come you think I was needy?

I know that staying with her may have made me appear weak. But she is still chasing me far more than I'm chasing her. Last night, we got drunk with a couple of friends and later that evening she said that she loves me. She however also said that "I want you to have a good life, you deserve a good life." and stuff like that, which made it appear to me that she had something else to say. Also, she almost started crying when she asked me why I would want to be with her.
She couldn't understand that I would want to date her. She was like, "you could be with anyone you want, why do you pick me?" Like I said, she has a really bad self esteem. It feels though, that she wants to say something because she's always like telling me i'm a good person and that she will always love me etc. When I asked her about it though, she said that she just wanted to explain her feelings for me.

Maybe it's because I like her so much, that I can't even see where this is going. I'm just holding unto all the good things about her and us. Still I feel really lost about where to go about all this.

 

[Franco]

Niall43,

Sorry if I miss anything because I kind of skimmed through this one, but there are a few things I would like to point out:

• my curiosity got the better out of me so I went through her phone and personal blog
• I confronted her about what I found on her phone
• I asked her if she'd seen him

You're doing all the same things her ex-boyfriend did that initially caused her to cheat on him in the first place!

One thing you need to understand is that the large majority of women don't cheat on their men because that is their "personality" -- they cheat because the men often give them a reason to cheat. So if you don't want your woman to leave you, you need to give her the freedom and trust that she desires in a relationship. As a matter of fact, if you're running the relationship correctly, she should be the one who's always slightly worried that she could lose you to another woman! That's what will drive her attraction up through the wall and keep it that way.

Maintaining a healthy relationship where the girl is completely loyal to you requires a balance of giving her enough affection and care that you are fulfilling all of her needs as a boyfriend while still giving her enough space that she understands that you're with her not because she's the best girl you could get, but rather because she is the girl you chose to be with among all of your other potential options.

I think this relationship can still be salvaged, but you need to stop prying into her past life. Do not ask about her ex-boyfriend, do not ask about other guys she may or may not be talking to, and do not go through her personal belongings unless you absolutely have good reason to (such as one of your friends saw her go into a bedroom with another guy and lock the door). If it did ever get to this point, however, it means you've probably already lost her, and you should end the relationship there.

Hope this helps.

- Franco

 

[Niall43]

Hey Franco, thanks for your reply. I needed to hear this. However I wonder, how do I really learn to trust her? I want our relationship to work, not because she's the only girl I could get, but because she's the first girl that I've dated that actually makes ME feel good. If this thing between us is to end, I feel that it should be something more "valid" than me just not trusting her, while I've myself been doing the same thing I accuse her of. I'm a hypocrit I know. So that should also be a reason for me to be more forgiving, a lot of this trust issue I Believe comes from the way it started between us, her cheating on her old BF. How do I become more trusting? Any ideas?

 

[trashKENNUT]

Hey Franco, thanks for your reply. I needed to hear this. However I wonder, how do I really learn to trust her? I want our relationship to work, not because she's the only girl I could get, but because she's the first girl that I've dated that actually makes ME feel good. If this thing between us is to end, I feel that it should be something more "valid" than me just not trusting her, while I've myself been doing the same thing I accuse her of. I'm a hypocrit I know. So that should also be a reason for me to be more forgiving, a lot of this trust issue I Believe comes from the way it started between us, her cheating on her old BF. How do I become more trusting? Any ideas?

Just my thoughts here,

Trusting a women requires to really not bother so much about her life, and the people she interact with. Aside from that, she does a good job in making you feel good, and i can tell you that she is genuine, but she is also using you as a rebound, a rebuilding for her own self esteem.

IT isn't so much about you, It's about her. She's confused, she had a unfortunate bad history (the rape thing), and date the "wrong" guys, and she's very liberal. You get to know her life, early. So in a way, even if the feeling sucks, It is a good thing. and again, you became cautious and you start investigating her life. You probably weren't needy, but i can note that the way it is written, there was that element there. I cannot blame you for it, afterall you both sleep together, a lot. The deed is done but it isn't so much about you, It's about her, really.

I wouldn't be surprised if there were more secrets, and i am not going to judge on that. Anyway, If Franco has something, i believe he will pitch in on his response on your question.

Zac

 

[Niall43]

Trusting a women requires to really not bother so much about her life, and the people she interact with. Aside from that, she does a good job in making you feel good, and i can tell you that she is genuine, but she is also using you as a rebound, a rebuilding for her own self esteem.

Thanks for your answers Zac! About the part about me being needy, I can partially agree. But she's chasing more than me and being more needy, is it not okay for me to be investing back and being a little needy myself?
Also, I'm wondering how I could be a rebound when we hooked up even before her boyfriend broke up with her? Isn't a rebound a person you just have casual sex with when trying to get over an ex?
Lately when I'm with her, I can tell that something is up, she just won't tell me what it is. She says that she's just thinking a lot about her life and what she wants to do etc.
The thing that's driving me crazy is that I want to trust her, I just can't seem to let go of the feeling that she's not telling me a lot stuff. In my gut I kinda know something is wrong.
I want to be with her, but I'm seriously considering to leave more every day. I could just go out and meet someone who doesn't even make me feel this way and quit thinking about trying to stop these thoughts. I get really upset with myself for thinking this way, not functioning like I normally do, and that itself, seems like a pretty good reason to break up. I know ultimatums bad, but I just wanna say "I feel this isn't working out, either you tell me what's up so we can talk about it or I'm leaving because I don't like how this is".

 

[trashKENNUT]

Nial43,

Also, I'm wondering how I could be a rebound when we hooked up even before her boyfriend broke up with her? Isn't a rebound a person you just have casual sex with when trying to get over an ex?

You bring a really good point here. I note the word "rebound" and i would like to rewrite it as where you play are a temporary fix. I believe the reason i state that is because i oversee that her boyfriend break up with her and have sex with you. In your case, she loves her boyfriend but finds you sexy and cool enough to be a temporary fix to satisfy her sexual needs and emotional support. Afterall He's out of town, and she said to you out loud, "you're the kind of guy who could get any girl u want, why are u with me?"

I can honestly he meant something to her despite the spell she put you through by labelling him as such a dick, and let me note what you said. He broke up with her, not she broke up with him, and she also said it out loud "She said that it should've ended but it just didn't happen."

Lately when I'm with her, I can tell that something is up, she just won't tell me what it is. She says that she's just thinking a lot about her life and what she wants to do etc.
The thing that's driving me crazy is that I want to trust her, I just can't seem to let go of the feeling that she's not telling me a lot stuff. In my gut I kinda know something is wrong.
I want to be with her, but I'm seriously considering to leave more every day. I could just go out and meet someone who doesn't even make me feel this way and quit thinking about trying to stop these thoughts. I get really upset with myself for thinking this way, not functioning like I normally do, and that itself, seems like a pretty good reason to break up. I know ultimatums bad, but I just wanna say "I feel this isn't working out, either you tell me what's up so we can talk about it or I'm leaving because I don't like how this is".

The difficult thing about falling in love is that you cannot rationalize what is words and what is actually happening. And yes, you might not be needy, and afterall, she did invest in you a lot.

I mean

She's almost always the one the text me first
When she sleeps over and I gotta go to work at 8 in the morning, she gets up out of bed just to make me breakfast..
When she's planning to go out she invites me

You ask if it's okay for you to be investing back, and you are right. YOu did invest back, that's a good thing. but she took care of your emotions really well. I look at the situation as it isn't exactly about you, It's about her.

I know ultimatums bad, but I just wanna say "I feel this isn't working out, either you tell me what's up so we can talk about it or I'm leaving because I don't like how this is".

I know you like her but don't send this ultimatum. You ask why? BEcause i dated a similar like Narcissism kind of girl. I don't know if narcissism is the right term here, but just don't send the ultimatum.

Why don't send her the ultimatum? Because she is confuse, and it is easy to say no. and blame everything on you. I know i have.

Zac

 

[Niall43]

ZacAdam,

I have also thought about the risk about me being a temporary fix. There are however, several things that makes me pretty sure that's not the only thing. Her boyfriend, as I said before, has defintatly some kind of power over her still. When their relationship came up for discussion a while ago, I said that I thought it seemed like she was always trying to please him, as she did really absurd things for him. She has later on agreed with me on this.
If I were a temporary fix, then now she'd be done with me since her old BF really wants her back and just being really pathetic, texting her a lot of long texts about how much he loves her and their memories together etc.
If she really wanted to be with him again, I'm pretty sure she would have left by now, since he is willing to be with her again, even though he broke up with her. Thing is, last couple of day's I really thought about what Franco said about not prying into her past life. So just now when he texted her I just ignored it. I still find it pretty odd that they're still texting each other sometimes.

I'm not going to do the ultimatum thing, thanks for the heads up on that one. One thing though, I'm actually having a hard time "labeling her", even though I consider myself pretty good at this. The problem being that I'm not really sure how to treat her since I can't really figure out what makes her tick. I honestly believe she likes me, maybe she even loves me like she says, but she's still in love with her old BF but has realised that she can't go back to him, and that's hurtful for her. I know she felt really bad about cheating on him, even though their relationship had been sinking for some time. When I read her blog, there was a post written when we had been dating for maybe 2 months. She said that she's still in love with him, and she hates him for leaving her. She constantly wrote "You were the one who left me" and so on. The face that he can still upset her just means she still cares.

She said last week to me "I think I'm falling in love with you, and I'm so scared of doing so because when I'm in love with you, you can control me and I'll just do anything to say." I found that this was a really weird thing to say. I replied that I don't want to control her, I want her to be her.

Actually the more I write here about what's happening between me and her, the more I realise that she's not the kind of girl I really want to be with. Maybe she appeared to be at first, but she's so broken inside, she's so lost. I feel like she just needs a hug and a pat on her head while I'm telling her that everything is gonna be okay. I don't even really know why I'm still trying and staying with her.

 

[trashKENNUT]

Niall43,

She said last week to me "I think I'm falling in love with you, and I'm so scared of doing so because when I'm in love with you, you can control me and I'll just do anything to say." I found that this was a really weird thing to say. I replied that I don't want to control her, I want her to be her.

The thing about this kind of women is that they are "genuine", but they also tend to have multiple partners. They have many lovers, but only one guy is slightly at the top compared to the rest. This girls really mean what they say but as the old quote saying, "Actions speaks louder than words."

Actually the more I write here about what's happening between me and her, the more I realise that she's not the kind of girl I really want to be with. Maybe she appeared to be at first, but she's so broken inside, she's so lost. I feel like she just needs a hug and a pat on her head while I'm telling her that everything is gonna be okay. I don't even really know why I'm still trying and staying with her.

Lower your investment in her from now, Let her chase you around alot. Afterall, she likes to chase her old boyfriend around. Women like her are the kind that has her excitement fade off fast, where she constantly wants to feel she is chasing her guy.

So do that, don't talk to her so much, don't meet her so much. She will find you. But then, her character as i noted to you, One must make his own decision on long term, On the good side, she is fun over the short term.

Zac

 

[Niall43]

Today she texted me like five times in a row, with a couple of hours in between, and I didn't answer. When I did answer her she knew something was up since I made it pretty obvious. We talked on the phone and I told her that I'd been thinking about a lot of stuff, including me and her. I told her that I want to trust her, but I just don't do it. She said she'd do anything to make this better and that she really wanted to be with me, but we really didn't come up with any solution to it. I already know it mostly is me changing my mindset on this. We also talked a lot about her, and how she feels. She hates doing this but I told her that I think she's depressed and she that needs to either seek help for it or try to feel better. She's been "depressed" for almost 3-4 years with ups and downs. I tried to motivate her into finally doing something about this, I told her I would help her if I had the time and the energy but mostly she needs to deal with this herself.
I also said that I think for us to work, she needs to feel safe and secure with herself. I told her that I knew there was a lot in her past and present going on and that she needs to deal with it instead of running away. I also said that "guys she dates" easily can turn into some kind of temporary fix for her problems, as you expressed it ZacAdam. I felt that she's investing a lot just by talking to me about how she's really feeling, as she hasn't talked to anyone about it before.

I think this talk we had was a good thing, since she told me she was afraid to talk about her ex about these kind of things. She not talking to him about it and suppressing her feelings around him, led to her feeling emotionally unsatisfied which probably was one of the reasons she cheated on him in the first place. Maybe it was also sexually unsatisfied I don't know. I just thought that by being there for her emotionally, being understanding and supportive and meeting her sexual needs, she won't have the need to cheat. Read the article about how you can't prevent cheating so I'm gonna try to treat her in a way so she doesn't want to cheat.
She already knows I'm preselected and has other choices, so that helps me not appearing too weak.

I'm wondering however, if this really was a good idea, or did I make a mistake telling her this?

 

[trashKENNUT]

Niall43,

I'm wondering however, if this really was a good idea, or did I make a mistake telling her this?

Er not really good or bad. IT can actually go either way. If you follow my suggestion on lowering your investment, she run back to you, but it doesn't solve her problems.
If you give a personal talk, like what you did, it can make her come to her senses and think about you, and she run back to you, or she could be "fuck up" and blame it on you, but fortunately she's not that bad, as we know now. The problem is still her.

Either way, you have to be aware of what you put yourself into. People don't change, but learning that you talk to her, and she didn't respond badly, i assume you already thinking about giving her some time.

Zac

 

[Niall43]

I've been think about this a lot and thought about giving it a shot. There are so many complications though, and I really hate not being able to make up my mind about this girl. Thing is she's been out of town for about two weeks now.
We had decided that we're gonna meet the day she got home, and now she's home but says she can't see me because she needs to help her brother with his homework and go to a meeting tomorrow at lunch, so she wanted to see me after this.
I thought this was really weird, I mean if you're really into someone you'd easily skip helping your brother out and go see the person you claim to like so much, especially if you haven't seen each other for two weeks. She also acts weird, like yesterday night, one moment she says that she's tired and that she's gonna go sleep and that her wifi is bad, and the next she says she's not tired at all and since we're still iMessaging, I figure the wifi seems to be fine. Note though that she was leaving 7 in the morning so seems weird that she would be cheating when she's staying at her sisters and is gonna leave so early the next day. However it just seemed like she didn't want to talk to me or like she was busy. She was distant and didn't reply to my text in the end.

However today, I told her that I didn't think this was working out and she started writing me really long texts about how she could snapchat me every five minutes so I could see that she was home etc etc. She said she liked me and wanted this to work and that I probably was leaving because I'm afraid and not in control. She's probably right about that. I'm trying to understand the logic here but I just can't find any. When she was abroad she bought me a gift, my sister a gift and also my sisters daughter a gift. Why would she do that if she wasn't really into me? If I were cheating on someone I really wouldn't go buy them gifts? And if she was cheating, why is she also working so hard to make me stay? To make this work? I've given her so many easy chances to leave, but she just says she really want this to work.
She said she couldn't see me today because she would have to go back home kinda early tomorrow morning to go the meeting, and that she didn't feel like doing that because she wanted to stay in bed with me. Also sometimes she says she's not receving my texts until hours later after I send them through iMessage. I just can't understand why'd she would do so many nice things for me, and act real nice and then all of a sudden be that weird.

I' ve thought about that if I stay with her now, I'll appear really weak, not preselected and it'll probably end with her or me cheating anyway since this doesn't feel that secure at all. However I'm also thinking that if she's honest and telling the truth, if I break up with her I will have done all this for nothing, which really isn't how I want things to go. How should I look at this situation and how is it possible for me know if she's lying?
Any help or insight is greatly appreciated.

 

[trashKENNUT]

Niall43,

I' ve thought about that if I stay with her now, I'll appear really weak, not preselected and it'll probably end with her or me cheating anyway since this doesn't feel that secure at all. However I'm also thinking that if she's honest and telling the truth, if I break up with her I will have done all this for nothing, which really isn't how I want things to go. How should I look at this situation and how is it possible for me know if she's lying?
Any help or insight is greatly appreciated.

Slowly withdraw yourself. This sound so planned but to let it go and leave it as it is, It looks like "fate" doesn't put the two of you together. That "Fate" thing make women come back harder for you later, but it doesn't happen too. So far i have seen it where women feel obliged to come back to you because it was "fate".

Your choice, brother!

Zac

 

[Niall43]

Just talked to her. She really was home and not somewhere else, she also showed me that she's been facetime:ing with her sister. Like all the time, when I suspect that she's cheating on me. She has always proven me wrong and showed me that I just make all this up in my mind. I think this shows that I really should trust her. Me suspecting something and saying that I don't trust her and saying that I'm not sure if it works between us, all the times she has proven to me that she's not doing anything fishy. We talk a lot about this and she's really understanding, trying to help me get past this and also offering to help and to do "whatever she has to do to make it work". Would you say that I'm just making this stuff up in my mind for not being as much in control as I usually am in i situation like this? I have an abundance mentality, but not absolut abundance. I know I can go out and get another girl, but not sure if I will find someone as good as her.
What do you guys make of this and how should I proceed?

 

[trashKENNUT]

Niall43,

Just talked to her. She really was home and not somewhere else, she also showed me that she's been facetime:ing with her sister. Like all the time, when I suspect that she's cheating on me. She has always proven me wrong and showed me that I just make all this up in my mind. I think this shows that I really should trust her. Me suspecting something and saying that I don't trust her and saying that I'm not sure if it works between us, all the times she has proven to me that she's not doing anything fishy. We talk a lot about this and she's really understanding, trying to help me get past this and also offering to help and to do "whatever she has to do to make it work". Would you say that I'm just making this stuff up in my mind for not being as much in control as I usually am in i situation like this? I have an abundance mentality, but not absolut abundance. I know I can go out and get another girl, but not sure if I will find someone as good as her.
What do you guys make of this and how should I proceed?

I hope you don't make stuff up and try to write as honestly possible! That's the best way i can help or any others, can help. Your case, as much as i advice you to withdraw, but she's helping you out. I found this to be more messy than i thought. It's way beyond my reach of capabilities, to actually offer constructive advice. I have seen girls just abandoning relationships like this but yours, i am not too sure where her loyalty is at. But she's showing her loyalty to you.

But yea bro, you falling in love, very much. It's important to know that, and also know that you like her and she like you, and has work for you abit, now. Now you have to rationalize the pros and cons of the relationship if you want it bad enough. Aside that, This is something i hope somebody terribly more better than me will help you.

Zac

 

[Niall43]

ZacAdam,

I'm really honest about this, and I actually find it really complicated too. Usually I can solve these kinds of situations myself but she's really hard to understand. Her behaviour is, from my point of view, really weird sometimes, I however think that I make it more weird than it acutally is since I don't trust her so that affects my judgement towards her actions that would be considered "normal".
You're a great help and I can't express my gratitude enough

 

[trashKENNUT]

Niall43,

Please do check out the latest article. I assume that might help you, if she is one.

"Spotting (and Avoiding) Cluster B Women"

Zac