- Joined
- May 27, 2020
- Messages
- 3
I got involved with a 42 year-old widow mother of 2 (5 and 8) who had lost her husband and father of her children to suicide just 3-months prior. I was reluctant at first and even called it off early for a few months thereafter and then we spent over a year together thereafter. We were in love, happy, and had even talked about marriage in the future. Here's the rub....I learned over a period of a year that she had a colorful past (twenties to early thirties) not remembering exactly how many men she had slept with ("it was so long ago"). As a result of her mentioning not knowing the first names of a couple people she had slept with (one night stands) I inquired her about how many people she had been with (in a non-threatening way)....she said under 25, then under 20...then when I said it seemed she didn't really know she then said it was 20. Not really a long enough list to lose count or not know. Anyway, I'd have been OK with 20 (30-40 is my best guess)....30-40 is a bit high for my taste. No judgement to all the gamers out there. OK, so most of this was before age 32...she had been married for the previous 10-years...., but it gets better.
So, again...I wouldn't have even wanted to attempt to have the body count conversation had it not been for her mentioning (unsolicited) that she couldn't remember a few of the first names of some of the guys she'd slept with in the past. Also, she mentioned a menage a trois (guy/two girls), sleeping with a male stripper (not sure why she would share that), and a few other small items. Again, most of this came out on its own. Due to some of this...I thought it was a good idea to know more...asked about past number of partners...and also I learned that she was sleeping a guy with before me, but supposedly after her husband had passed (would have been within 1-3 months of her husband passing). I thought this was a bit of a red flag....not totally judging, but in light of the other stuff as well...I was definitely feeling uneasy.
Still, whatever....most of it figuring things out in her 20's, however, again....these items raised some suspicion as to whether it was just a youthful streak or part her current character based on the more recent activity. Separately, I initiated dirty talk in the bedroom (it can be hot...partially do it to test boundaries), but she mentioned being sucking two guys off at once or being fucked by more than one guy at a time. Again, I initiated it.., but when asked whether she would have regrets afterward in real life she said "it probably wouldn't stop her". I guess I shouldn't be shocked....so much for "fantasy". Oh yeah, we slept together first time we hooked up....not much different from many of the girls I've dated in my 40's....., but whatever...I STILL didn't see any of the rest of this coming. She was raised super christian...didn't have sex until 18....handles herself well....fairly reserved....and my initial impression of her was on the complete other side of the spectrum. Regardless, by then I was already way involved. I
am fairly experienced, built, make a good living, and her initial impression was that I was more advanced than she was....she likely thought I had similar experiences..., therefore, was willing to divulge much of this. Admittedly, I take my martini's slightly dirty, but DAMN...so much for the church girl. Still, she was in love with me and generally a very good girlfriend....and not to mention smoking hot. So, I communicated a few of these concerns...she became defensive....it became a bit of an issue....she was not the best communicator...and I began to be a little more cautious.
For the benefit of the group or anyone willing to read this novel....to answer the question DOES THE PAST EQUAL HER FUTURE....as I was willing to let the situation play out.....toward the end of our 15-months together I learned (on my own) that she was having an affair for 3-months prior to her husband taking his own life. Supposedly he didn't know, he was already clinically depressed..., but it obviously could have been a contributing factor. She continued the relationship for months afterward (I find that f*cking repugnant considering it could have been a factor)...and then supposedly ended the affair relationship soon after she and I became involved (hmmm...). Even though she didn't do it to me...it's a complete mental mindjob to me how somebody repeatedly cheats on their spouse and then comes home, kisses her kids (3 and 6 at the time), and gets in bed with her husband at night. The natural assumption is that if she could do it to him....she could definitely do it to me.
Throughout our relationship she lied about what seemed like an item or two....and never shared the happenings of the affair....even when asked about faithfulness in their marriage. To boot, she wasn't drawing a clear line with at least one previous suitor (a "friend") when he texted her during/throughout our relationship. I believe in trusting (perhaps to much), but verifying....so, yes....I checked her phone a few times (we had each others codes), checked her computer once, and read her notes/journal that she left out on her dresser. Save any comments there...I don't regret that one bit...mainly because I found a few of the things mentioned here as a result. I immediately told her about me reading her notes that she left out on her dresser exposed. She sobbed in my arms from the guilt of having the affair on her husband never having the ability to apologize or reconcile. I actually have a heart for that and was still willing to give it a shot believing we might finally have all the cards out on the table. The defense to her never telling me about the affair is that she did not feel emotionally safe (as a result of my reaction/communication to some of the other things mentioned) and thought I might leave. Pathetic....this is bullshit. Anyone who compromises their honesty for fear of judgement or consequences is still a liar...plain and simple.
At the end she was painting the picture to her/our friends that I was jealous, controlling, judgmental, and unforgiving...of course, not sharing the various details of the situation. Despite seeing this type behavior from other women before...and potentially having a trust issue of my own, I can own that....the need to feel safe/respected and check up on things from time to time. I feel like that's more a a wisdom gained from experience (WGFE) issue than a PTD issue. That said, I don't want to feel the need to do that in future relationships and will have a conversation and/or leave before doing so in the future, but again, I don't regret doing it in any relationship I've been in this far....discovering some amazing sh*t and saving myself months or years in the process.
In the case of this woman, I could deal with a partner working through their grief of recently losing a spouse. I could deal with a colorful past. I could deal with her making a few mistakes in our relationship. I could probably deal with the character the previous affair believing that she had probably learned a huge freaking lesson...., but what I CAN'T deal with is dishonesty (lies of omission or otherwise) and potentially keeping the backdoor open for other suitors while in a committed relationship...especially in light of the rest of it. She was so angry about my suspicion and reading her notes and seemed so unwilling to take ownership and work on things that I ended it. Judging by her history and lack of effort/engagement at the end I suspect she monkey-branched back to the relationship with affair boy. Regardless of the fact I ended it...it still f*cking hurts.
Despite all it...I loved the time we spent together and really loved her. I would consider myself privy to most all red pill content...and feel like a complete moron for not seeing it sooner....or being surprised by her likely monkey-branching back to this dude. I have no evidence of that at the moment...I just feel it. Anyway, gentleman....screen HARD upfront....and don't judge a book by its cover. I want as far away from the cheating, overlap, and dishonesty in relationships as possible. On that subject, I found the article on here regarding cheating/how to get a spouse/significant other not to cheat enlightening. I'm willing to take ownership of whatever I am responsible for in this situation so the chances of this happening again is minimized. Regardless, you can be a hero to a woman...and if they're one to lie or cheat they're going to do it regardless. Anyway, I am a new member and have found much of the other content helpful as well.
Any comments/thoughts on my logic (or lack therof) much appreciated.
Peace!
So, again...I wouldn't have even wanted to attempt to have the body count conversation had it not been for her mentioning (unsolicited) that she couldn't remember a few of the first names of some of the guys she'd slept with in the past. Also, she mentioned a menage a trois (guy/two girls), sleeping with a male stripper (not sure why she would share that), and a few other small items. Again, most of this came out on its own. Due to some of this...I thought it was a good idea to know more...asked about past number of partners...and also I learned that she was sleeping a guy with before me, but supposedly after her husband had passed (would have been within 1-3 months of her husband passing). I thought this was a bit of a red flag....not totally judging, but in light of the other stuff as well...I was definitely feeling uneasy.
Still, whatever....most of it figuring things out in her 20's, however, again....these items raised some suspicion as to whether it was just a youthful streak or part her current character based on the more recent activity. Separately, I initiated dirty talk in the bedroom (it can be hot...partially do it to test boundaries), but she mentioned being sucking two guys off at once or being fucked by more than one guy at a time. Again, I initiated it.., but when asked whether she would have regrets afterward in real life she said "it probably wouldn't stop her". I guess I shouldn't be shocked....so much for "fantasy". Oh yeah, we slept together first time we hooked up....not much different from many of the girls I've dated in my 40's....., but whatever...I STILL didn't see any of the rest of this coming. She was raised super christian...didn't have sex until 18....handles herself well....fairly reserved....and my initial impression of her was on the complete other side of the spectrum. Regardless, by then I was already way involved. I
am fairly experienced, built, make a good living, and her initial impression was that I was more advanced than she was....she likely thought I had similar experiences..., therefore, was willing to divulge much of this. Admittedly, I take my martini's slightly dirty, but DAMN...so much for the church girl. Still, she was in love with me and generally a very good girlfriend....and not to mention smoking hot. So, I communicated a few of these concerns...she became defensive....it became a bit of an issue....she was not the best communicator...and I began to be a little more cautious.
For the benefit of the group or anyone willing to read this novel....to answer the question DOES THE PAST EQUAL HER FUTURE....as I was willing to let the situation play out.....toward the end of our 15-months together I learned (on my own) that she was having an affair for 3-months prior to her husband taking his own life. Supposedly he didn't know, he was already clinically depressed..., but it obviously could have been a contributing factor. She continued the relationship for months afterward (I find that f*cking repugnant considering it could have been a factor)...and then supposedly ended the affair relationship soon after she and I became involved (hmmm...). Even though she didn't do it to me...it's a complete mental mindjob to me how somebody repeatedly cheats on their spouse and then comes home, kisses her kids (3 and 6 at the time), and gets in bed with her husband at night. The natural assumption is that if she could do it to him....she could definitely do it to me.
Throughout our relationship she lied about what seemed like an item or two....and never shared the happenings of the affair....even when asked about faithfulness in their marriage. To boot, she wasn't drawing a clear line with at least one previous suitor (a "friend") when he texted her during/throughout our relationship. I believe in trusting (perhaps to much), but verifying....so, yes....I checked her phone a few times (we had each others codes), checked her computer once, and read her notes/journal that she left out on her dresser. Save any comments there...I don't regret that one bit...mainly because I found a few of the things mentioned here as a result. I immediately told her about me reading her notes that she left out on her dresser exposed. She sobbed in my arms from the guilt of having the affair on her husband never having the ability to apologize or reconcile. I actually have a heart for that and was still willing to give it a shot believing we might finally have all the cards out on the table. The defense to her never telling me about the affair is that she did not feel emotionally safe (as a result of my reaction/communication to some of the other things mentioned) and thought I might leave. Pathetic....this is bullshit. Anyone who compromises their honesty for fear of judgement or consequences is still a liar...plain and simple.
At the end she was painting the picture to her/our friends that I was jealous, controlling, judgmental, and unforgiving...of course, not sharing the various details of the situation. Despite seeing this type behavior from other women before...and potentially having a trust issue of my own, I can own that....the need to feel safe/respected and check up on things from time to time. I feel like that's more a a wisdom gained from experience (WGFE) issue than a PTD issue. That said, I don't want to feel the need to do that in future relationships and will have a conversation and/or leave before doing so in the future, but again, I don't regret doing it in any relationship I've been in this far....discovering some amazing sh*t and saving myself months or years in the process.
In the case of this woman, I could deal with a partner working through their grief of recently losing a spouse. I could deal with a colorful past. I could deal with her making a few mistakes in our relationship. I could probably deal with the character the previous affair believing that she had probably learned a huge freaking lesson...., but what I CAN'T deal with is dishonesty (lies of omission or otherwise) and potentially keeping the backdoor open for other suitors while in a committed relationship...especially in light of the rest of it. She was so angry about my suspicion and reading her notes and seemed so unwilling to take ownership and work on things that I ended it. Judging by her history and lack of effort/engagement at the end I suspect she monkey-branched back to the relationship with affair boy. Regardless of the fact I ended it...it still f*cking hurts.
Despite all it...I loved the time we spent together and really loved her. I would consider myself privy to most all red pill content...and feel like a complete moron for not seeing it sooner....or being surprised by her likely monkey-branching back to this dude. I have no evidence of that at the moment...I just feel it. Anyway, gentleman....screen HARD upfront....and don't judge a book by its cover. I want as far away from the cheating, overlap, and dishonesty in relationships as possible. On that subject, I found the article on here regarding cheating/how to get a spouse/significant other not to cheat enlightening. I'm willing to take ownership of whatever I am responsible for in this situation so the chances of this happening again is minimized. Regardless, you can be a hero to a woman...and if they're one to lie or cheat they're going to do it regardless. Anyway, I am a new member and have found much of the other content helpful as well.
Any comments/thoughts on my logic (or lack therof) much appreciated.
Peace!
Last edited:
