Hi everyone. Once I was more prolific on here, but even these past few years while in my relationship I have remained an avid reader if not poster. It is good to be fully back!
This post will go over my first serious relationship, while exploring the natural affinity of the male narcissist and female borderline, and will conclude with me asking how to proceed from here. The recap goes over many telling signs of NPD/BPD but is a bit long, so you may want to skip to the end.
Relationship Recap
About two months ago, my girlfriend of 3 years and I finally ended things for good. We both had nearly broken up with each other plenty of times before, but each time I couldn't bear losing her and pulled out all the stops to repair things (even if it was I who dumped her). After all, despite some faults this girl fascinated me and adored me and filled a big void in me, how could I throw that away?
Our relationship began so blissfully. For the first time in my life, I had a girl completely under my thrall that I saw as a worthy counterpart to my ideal self. She was so fascinating:
- 5'3" with BIG, perfectly shaped tits and a tight waist (the definition of Busty/Petite)
- Gorgeous face that even reminded me of the girl I was obsessed with in high school
- Demure/excited vibe that I go nuts for
- This spunky/needy dichotomy that challenged me enough to keep my interest but then rewarded me with excessive doses of love, affection, and dependency
- Practically unlimited and mind-blowing sex (think our record was 7 sessions in one day)
I was hooked. This was the type of relationship I had dreamed of, had consciously visualized. This was one of two potential endgames I was happy with concerning my journey with women (the other endgame is becoming the guy with a 100-200+ laycount, children with multiple women of outstanding genetic disposition, always has a harem, experiences love but remains in control and not entirely committed).
As the relationship went on I began to see warning signs. My girlfriend alluded to having a dark, depressive, anxious side to her personality and was terrified I would someday see it (and like Jekyll and Hyde, her dark side did rear its ugly head and waxed while the girl I fell for waned). It was too easy for me to hurt her feelings, and I increasingly began to feel like I was walking on eggshells around her. She impulsively got a tattoo, and I noticed an infrequent but existing pattern of general impulsivity. She told me she loved me 10-25 times per day, which was a little weird if sweet.
A lot of this stuff I liked at first; my ego was relishing the feeling of being the One-Up in the relationship, and these yellow flags didn't change the fact she was a knockout or that we had more chemistry than Walter White. Not to mention the SEX (I would sometimes cum in her so hard that'd I'd be high as a kite, dizzy, and slurring my words for 30 minutes after!) But I began to realize she was starting to see me as unattainable. She also began badgering me to accommodate her sensitivity and anxiety.
So what did I do? I began tempering myself around her. I love to affectionately tease girls (and admittedly probably go a little overboard), so I dialed that back. I conditioned myself to try to mirror her affection towards me (Mirror Minus One of course, can't give up my precious control!). I minimized my sex/girl stories and humor (that I use to reinforce the frame that I am the prize). I started seeing her more (COVID did NOT help here, she had to go back home to her parents, so the best way to see her was have her come in town for a week or so at a time, then a week or so off). Keep in mind, this was my first serious relationship, and I thought what I was doing was natural and necessary to sustaining things, transitioning from lover to provider.
Yet our strong foundation continued to erode. The tweaks I'd make would work for a time but then not be enough. Her demands for how I treat her and how I act around her increased. The sex started dropping off. I knew relationships cool off after an initial honeymoon period, but was it really supposed to be this pronounced? I began to question my ability to even be in a relationship - clearly I was too much of an arrogant bastard to give a girl enough security in a relationship for anything sustainable.
Shelving that idea, I tried everything else: being solely the cocky stud again, being solely the loving partner, being different balances of both, adding some indifference to the mix, throwing myself into other pursuits (like the gym, or playing videogames with my friend, and eventually my job). I got her a promise ring to give her feelings of security, and even told her I’d move in with her and someday marry her. Yet the relationship kept deteriorating. Despite this, I became further convinced if I could just fix things and get that perfect balance between making her feel out of control and affirming my love to her, she'd be mine indefinitely.
Breakup/Aftermath
A black cloud hanging over our relationship for the last half of it was the slow demise of my girlfriend's grandmother. This poor woman had a rare muscular disease that absolutely crippled her in every way, but rather than let her naturally expire, the family did everything in their power to prolong this woman's life (and suffering). How fucking pathetic the fear of death can make us mortals... This, along with the mass hysteria surrounding the dread disease of COVID served to undermine my girlfriend's happiness, and I often got the brunt of it. My girlfriend had supported me through the death of my own grandfather, so I felt obligated to return the favor, but frankly I could not wait for this grandmother of hers to perish, so that everyone, including the grandmother but especially my girlfriend, could stop suffering and move on. It dragged on for 1.5 years, the grandmother looking like an emaciated corpse through the entirety of it. Then her husband, my girlfriend's grandfather, fell, broke his neck, and died, and I knew the end was near. I also knew, either my girlfriend and I would emerge from the loss closer than ever, or that in the turmoil my girlfriend would sever things for good (or at least for awhile).
I was not my best self at the end of our relationship. Once a demigod in the gym, able to bench press 4 plates and max out every machine for reps, I let a shoulder injury and the fatigue from working so hard at my job keep me out of the gym for 6 months, and had kept up my same diet during this period, resulting in me getting fat. Work was an upward struggle, which is to be expected for a young salesman building his book, but not the best timing there and it affected my psyche. I was also pissed at the world for a number of factors (the delusions of religion, COVID/the despicable sensationalist media, the rampant feminization of my fellow men, the animosity towards the white male). So I shouldn't have been so surprised that when the grandmother finally died, my girlfriend retreated into herself and broke up with me at the first hint of us clashing. To make matters more frustrating, I was in another state for the holidays when she did it, and lacked the proximity I usually had to turn things around.
I tried to get her back. Much like my strategies while in the relationship, I threw a number of differing calculated angles at her, and nearly did win her back... but then I came to my senses, accepted the foundation of our relationship was irreparably crippled, and that if I had any sense of self-respect I had to move on. I spent the next month questioning love: wondering what I could possibly do different next time, doubting I'd ever have such a strong connection again, despairing that I was attracted to the wrong type of girl and may be doomed to either be unfulfilled with a normal girl (girls) or in frequent strife with a girl like my now ex.
And then I came across Chase's article on dating girls with Borderline Personality Disorder and their mutual attraction with men with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and things began to make sense. (https://www.girlschase.com/article/...rderline-personality-disorder-you-must-escape)
Narcissism/What Now?
My ex-girlfriend is not an extreme borderline. Nor am I an extreme narcissist (I hope!). We wouldn't have made it 3 years if we were. But we both have a LOT of the symptoms of each respectively.
You likely picked up on some of these while reading about my girlfriend, but here are her symptoms:
I was the firstborn, and an only child for 6 years. I was absolutely doted on by my mother. My father also had grand plans for me, and praised me for my intelligence and athletic ability (which I have to say was somewhat deserved, after all not many people can say they consistently score in the top 99% or even 99.9% on various intelligence tests, or put up huge numbers in the gym without taking steroids; I have exceptional genes for the most part).
I was also heavily punished when I’d screw up (and even when I wouldn’t) and had ALL my interests picked for me. Growing up, my sense of self was constantly being accosted by my parents and their visions for me. It thus became my most valued possession, and my greatest fear is to be controlled (likely why I despise religion, the increasingly authoritarian state, the ignorance of the masses- these things all suck, but also shouldn’t affect my emotions to the extent they do).
I have always had this struggle of living up to this ideal paragon of myself. I thought everyone else goes through this too, and maybe they do, but it is the defining trait of a narcissist and much more pronounced in one than in normal folk. I’m so deep into my narcissistic fantasies that my ultimate mission in life is to become an immortal, dictator-like being (albeit a very benevolent one)!
Part of living up to my ideal self is dating a near-perfect girl who is also a near-perfect mate, and thus I was extremely vulnerable to a borderline, who was able to pass my initial valuation tests and then doted on me and followed my lead whole-heartedly giving me the control I crave (for a time anyway). Past this point I felt a huge responsibility to preserve the relationship and manage my partner's needs ( a common trap of NPD).
—————————
I do not want to be doomed to my parent’s fate, and I cannot allow my future children to go through what I did growing up. I want to be truly confident, not just have and draw my esteem from this grand vision of my potential self that is superior to everything but also so daunting to achieve and off-putting to others that see behind my veil of charisma.
At the same time, I have sampled the forbidden fruit that is the intense emotional bond of the narcissist and the borderline. My desire for an epic love is so central to me...
I ask: Do you agree that I likely have some degree of NPD? Is narcissism something that can be cured? Is it worth curing? Is it too late for me, having experienced the highs of a codependent relationship?
Thank you for reading.
This post will go over my first serious relationship, while exploring the natural affinity of the male narcissist and female borderline, and will conclude with me asking how to proceed from here. The recap goes over many telling signs of NPD/BPD but is a bit long, so you may want to skip to the end.
Relationship Recap
About two months ago, my girlfriend of 3 years and I finally ended things for good. We both had nearly broken up with each other plenty of times before, but each time I couldn't bear losing her and pulled out all the stops to repair things (even if it was I who dumped her). After all, despite some faults this girl fascinated me and adored me and filled a big void in me, how could I throw that away?
Our relationship began so blissfully. For the first time in my life, I had a girl completely under my thrall that I saw as a worthy counterpart to my ideal self. She was so fascinating:
- 5'3" with BIG, perfectly shaped tits and a tight waist (the definition of Busty/Petite)
- Gorgeous face that even reminded me of the girl I was obsessed with in high school
- Demure/excited vibe that I go nuts for
- This spunky/needy dichotomy that challenged me enough to keep my interest but then rewarded me with excessive doses of love, affection, and dependency
- Practically unlimited and mind-blowing sex (think our record was 7 sessions in one day)
I was hooked. This was the type of relationship I had dreamed of, had consciously visualized. This was one of two potential endgames I was happy with concerning my journey with women (the other endgame is becoming the guy with a 100-200+ laycount, children with multiple women of outstanding genetic disposition, always has a harem, experiences love but remains in control and not entirely committed).
As the relationship went on I began to see warning signs. My girlfriend alluded to having a dark, depressive, anxious side to her personality and was terrified I would someday see it (and like Jekyll and Hyde, her dark side did rear its ugly head and waxed while the girl I fell for waned). It was too easy for me to hurt her feelings, and I increasingly began to feel like I was walking on eggshells around her. She impulsively got a tattoo, and I noticed an infrequent but existing pattern of general impulsivity. She told me she loved me 10-25 times per day, which was a little weird if sweet.
A lot of this stuff I liked at first; my ego was relishing the feeling of being the One-Up in the relationship, and these yellow flags didn't change the fact she was a knockout or that we had more chemistry than Walter White. Not to mention the SEX (I would sometimes cum in her so hard that'd I'd be high as a kite, dizzy, and slurring my words for 30 minutes after!) But I began to realize she was starting to see me as unattainable. She also began badgering me to accommodate her sensitivity and anxiety.
So what did I do? I began tempering myself around her. I love to affectionately tease girls (and admittedly probably go a little overboard), so I dialed that back. I conditioned myself to try to mirror her affection towards me (Mirror Minus One of course, can't give up my precious control!). I minimized my sex/girl stories and humor (that I use to reinforce the frame that I am the prize). I started seeing her more (COVID did NOT help here, she had to go back home to her parents, so the best way to see her was have her come in town for a week or so at a time, then a week or so off). Keep in mind, this was my first serious relationship, and I thought what I was doing was natural and necessary to sustaining things, transitioning from lover to provider.
Yet our strong foundation continued to erode. The tweaks I'd make would work for a time but then not be enough. Her demands for how I treat her and how I act around her increased. The sex started dropping off. I knew relationships cool off after an initial honeymoon period, but was it really supposed to be this pronounced? I began to question my ability to even be in a relationship - clearly I was too much of an arrogant bastard to give a girl enough security in a relationship for anything sustainable.
Shelving that idea, I tried everything else: being solely the cocky stud again, being solely the loving partner, being different balances of both, adding some indifference to the mix, throwing myself into other pursuits (like the gym, or playing videogames with my friend, and eventually my job). I got her a promise ring to give her feelings of security, and even told her I’d move in with her and someday marry her. Yet the relationship kept deteriorating. Despite this, I became further convinced if I could just fix things and get that perfect balance between making her feel out of control and affirming my love to her, she'd be mine indefinitely.
Breakup/Aftermath
A black cloud hanging over our relationship for the last half of it was the slow demise of my girlfriend's grandmother. This poor woman had a rare muscular disease that absolutely crippled her in every way, but rather than let her naturally expire, the family did everything in their power to prolong this woman's life (and suffering). How fucking pathetic the fear of death can make us mortals... This, along with the mass hysteria surrounding the dread disease of COVID served to undermine my girlfriend's happiness, and I often got the brunt of it. My girlfriend had supported me through the death of my own grandfather, so I felt obligated to return the favor, but frankly I could not wait for this grandmother of hers to perish, so that everyone, including the grandmother but especially my girlfriend, could stop suffering and move on. It dragged on for 1.5 years, the grandmother looking like an emaciated corpse through the entirety of it. Then her husband, my girlfriend's grandfather, fell, broke his neck, and died, and I knew the end was near. I also knew, either my girlfriend and I would emerge from the loss closer than ever, or that in the turmoil my girlfriend would sever things for good (or at least for awhile).
I was not my best self at the end of our relationship. Once a demigod in the gym, able to bench press 4 plates and max out every machine for reps, I let a shoulder injury and the fatigue from working so hard at my job keep me out of the gym for 6 months, and had kept up my same diet during this period, resulting in me getting fat. Work was an upward struggle, which is to be expected for a young salesman building his book, but not the best timing there and it affected my psyche. I was also pissed at the world for a number of factors (the delusions of religion, COVID/the despicable sensationalist media, the rampant feminization of my fellow men, the animosity towards the white male). So I shouldn't have been so surprised that when the grandmother finally died, my girlfriend retreated into herself and broke up with me at the first hint of us clashing. To make matters more frustrating, I was in another state for the holidays when she did it, and lacked the proximity I usually had to turn things around.
I tried to get her back. Much like my strategies while in the relationship, I threw a number of differing calculated angles at her, and nearly did win her back... but then I came to my senses, accepted the foundation of our relationship was irreparably crippled, and that if I had any sense of self-respect I had to move on. I spent the next month questioning love: wondering what I could possibly do different next time, doubting I'd ever have such a strong connection again, despairing that I was attracted to the wrong type of girl and may be doomed to either be unfulfilled with a normal girl (girls) or in frequent strife with a girl like my now ex.
And then I came across Chase's article on dating girls with Borderline Personality Disorder and their mutual attraction with men with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and things began to make sense. (https://www.girlschase.com/article/...rderline-personality-disorder-you-must-escape)
Narcissism/What Now?
My ex-girlfriend is not an extreme borderline. Nor am I an extreme narcissist (I hope!). We wouldn't have made it 3 years if we were. But we both have a LOT of the symptoms of each respectively.
You likely picked up on some of these while reading about my girlfriend, but here are her symptoms:
- love-bombing (the constant “I love you”s)
- closeness/neediness/flattery
- low self-worth (often afraid I’d leave her, or was cheating on her, or that I didn’t really love her)
- masochistic (all girls like being choked, but THIS girl...)
- sensitivity/temper
- impulsiveness (partially how we got together, which was on Tinder. She had 5 lovers before me, 4 of which were casual)
- turned on me after I reciprocated her love and promised her commitment (borderlines don’t feel worthy of love, so if you love them you must be low value)
- I didn't mention this, but she has an absentee loser dad who is ridiculously self-absorbed
- quick temper
- extreme sensitivity
- history of impulsive, chaotic decisions
- splitting (black and white judgements of others, often but not always going back and forth)
- a neglectful father (my grandma’s dad was a WWII war hero and then business magnate and was always away especially in formative years, my mother’s dad had 6 other kids to attend to, and was hesitant to attach to my mom after the child born before her died shortly after birth; he was also a sociopathic bastard)
- severe abandonment issues
I was the firstborn, and an only child for 6 years. I was absolutely doted on by my mother. My father also had grand plans for me, and praised me for my intelligence and athletic ability (which I have to say was somewhat deserved, after all not many people can say they consistently score in the top 99% or even 99.9% on various intelligence tests, or put up huge numbers in the gym without taking steroids; I have exceptional genes for the most part).
I was also heavily punished when I’d screw up (and even when I wouldn’t) and had ALL my interests picked for me. Growing up, my sense of self was constantly being accosted by my parents and their visions for me. It thus became my most valued possession, and my greatest fear is to be controlled (likely why I despise religion, the increasingly authoritarian state, the ignorance of the masses- these things all suck, but also shouldn’t affect my emotions to the extent they do).
I have always had this struggle of living up to this ideal paragon of myself. I thought everyone else goes through this too, and maybe they do, but it is the defining trait of a narcissist and much more pronounced in one than in normal folk. I’m so deep into my narcissistic fantasies that my ultimate mission in life is to become an immortal, dictator-like being (albeit a very benevolent one)!
Part of living up to my ideal self is dating a near-perfect girl who is also a near-perfect mate, and thus I was extremely vulnerable to a borderline, who was able to pass my initial valuation tests and then doted on me and followed my lead whole-heartedly giving me the control I crave (for a time anyway). Past this point I felt a huge responsibility to preserve the relationship and manage my partner's needs ( a common trap of NPD).
—————————
I do not want to be doomed to my parent’s fate, and I cannot allow my future children to go through what I did growing up. I want to be truly confident, not just have and draw my esteem from this grand vision of my potential self that is superior to everything but also so daunting to achieve and off-putting to others that see behind my veil of charisma.
At the same time, I have sampled the forbidden fruit that is the intense emotional bond of the narcissist and the borderline. My desire for an epic love is so central to me...
I ask: Do you agree that I likely have some degree of NPD? Is narcissism something that can be cured? Is it worth curing? Is it too late for me, having experienced the highs of a codependent relationship?
Thank you for reading.
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