Gf Broke Up With Me

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Zagreus

Space Monkey
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We had a fight like 2 weeks ago. She says that she felt like I was being cruel, and seeing her as less than a human being. She says she got a realization that the man she loved would see her as so beneath him. She says that she can't see me as the man I once was to her. That her love, feelings, and attachment for me are gone. She says she tried to get them back for 2 weeks, but can't trust me not to hurt her again. That she's given me too many chances, that her friends were right about her bad judgement about me, that she was stupid not to see it, and that I emotionally damaged her. That she lost her sex drive and no longer views me in passion or romantically or sexually.

We had planned to meet in about a month and a half. Because she was finishing school. She says she will still come to meet me if I want, and maybe she can feel for me again then or perhaps just for us to have closure. But for now, we are done.

What do you think is going on in her head?

Also, is this something that she can regain with time?
 

Zagreus

Space Monkey
space monkey
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Wow who cares what’s going on in her head?

I do. I need to understand why I hurt those I love most. This is my pattern, going from really good moments to really bad ones in relationships; fights that I start because they did something minor I didn't like.

I need to know if I am able to change myself for the better, because I make promises I can't keep. Because I do want to be better. So when I break them, I look worse than a man who didn't make any promises at all. My issue is that I want to change, but I don't seem to be able to. So I'm at an impasse
 

Phoenix

Cro-Magnon Man
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Well, what did you do? Is it true what she's saying? Have you mistreated her and neglected her? I remember when my girlfriend broke up with me. It was all quite true. I was a fag towards her and she didn't want me anymore, rightfully so. Part of the reason was that i felt i was missing out so the breakup was a blessing in disguise, as i got into game and am towards reaching my full potential. Do you wanna get together again? Do some deep reflection and yes, go no contact.

Was it an LDR? "Was planned to meet in about a month and a half"
 

Zagreus

Space Monkey
space monkey
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Well, what did you do? Is it true what she's saying? Have you mistreated her and neglected her? I remember when my girlfriend broke up with me. It was all quite true. I was a fag towards her and she didn't want me anymore, rightfully so. Part of the reason was that i felt i was missing out so the breakup was a blessing in disguise, as i got into game and am towards reaching my full potential. Do you wanna get together again? Do some deep reflection and yes, go no contact.

I didn't neglect her. I would do or say mean things. At the beginning of our relationship, I caused a lot of turmoil. Those fights were me starting shit because I wanted to control her. She'd cry, we'd make up, I'd pump lots of love for submitting, that type of dysfunctional dynamic.

Over time, as she grew more attached, and as I started caring more, I stopped doing that on purpose. At a certain point, incredibly small things would make her really emotional, and her sensitivities skyrocketed. Like at one point we had several fights due to me calling her stupid or an idiot. We are really obsessed with each other. She dropped her friends for me and we would be together pretty much all day when I wasn't working still. She constantly fawns over how much she loves me and how she wants to marry me and how perfect I am. When things are good, she takes a "little girl" role and I take the daddy/papi role. She basically goes into a really submissive and overly affectionate state. Until we fight over something I got annoyed with, then she detaches.

Yes I do want to get together again. And yes it's LDR
 

Zagreus

Space Monkey
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Like to me I don't view the things I do or say as bad or cause for such a big deal but to others it seems like it's appropriate.

I don't have an adequate filter for ruthlessness/being insensitive for those I care about so the fights remained constant. She said after last fight she hasn't seen me in the same way. That it was different, I was different, that she had seen that side of me sometime before and she should've known. Basically that I was malicious, according to her.
 

MuST0BtA1NSkR1Lla

Cro-Magnon Man
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Looking for an update to this post holding you accountable @Zagreus

If you didn’t follow the rule I’m interested to hear how it’s been going since.

in regards
Must
 

Zagreus

Space Monkey
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Looking for an update to this post holding you accountable @Zagreus

If you didn’t follow the rule I’m interested to hear how it’s been going since.

in regards
Must

I did not follow the rule. The situation reminded me about that one time Chase said he was an asshole to a girl, and made her autoreject, and he had to overcome a lot of resistance in order to win her back, and he did. Perhaps an emotional decision on my part, but I contacted. And pushed, and made myself probably seem silly a few times, but eventually, she caved. And now? Well, things are back to the way they were, except she has fallen even harder in love, and I'm cautious of my temperament so that I do not hurt her unnecessarily. She is working on herself too. And that is what she needed, hope, that I will work on myself. Which she had lost after the fight, because they kept recurring about the same core issues. Me lashing out and being mean/cruel when I didn't have my way.

She idolizes me. Except when something shatters that notion, in which her emotions go in the complete opposite direction. But that's something she's also working on. I believe I was not being a man with her, in the sense that I would react negatively to not being able to get her to do what I want at times, which is weak. When instead, I should have been figuring out how to instead get her to do it on good terms, or drop it since they were typically extremely insignificant things; but my ego made it a big deal.
 

Zagreus

Space Monkey
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Little update:

Things were good for a while. Eventually, I started hurting her again. She wanted to break up and I won her back like 10 times. Each time with good periods in between, and each time requiring more effort on my part to win her over. She started developing hot and cold behavior. She'd either love me or hate me. When I hurt her, she'd respond stronger negatively.

Eventually, about 2 weeks ago, she had enough. She left. I still kept hitting her up periodically. She started missing me, called me, would change her mind, say she just wanted me to give closure, which is a lie, I just kept reminding her of negative feelings. I kept trying to win her back but she stopped buckling. Said she'd block me from everywhere. That it was time to move on, she gave me too many chances, that I needed to be happy without her, and that she needed to distance herself from me. That I had been the worst relationship she'd ever been in, etc. That every time she had garnered hope I would smash it to the ground. She wanted nothing to do with me, yada yada.

2 days ago I told someone in our circle that I had like 100 nudes of her, and if they wanted to see. They said sure. Someone else found out and told her, she had a meltdown and texted me that I was an asshole, that I was evil incarnate, and that she prayed for whoever was my next relationship. Again, she kept going from seeming rational, to becoming very angry and hostile, to longing and feeling hurt.

She called me today crying. Saying she was going to kill herself, saying goodbye to me. She failed one of her final exams, which means she needs to repeat the year, so she was especially vulnerable. I convinced her not to kill herself, she promised me. Still claimed she wanted nothing to do with me, so I finally let her go, once and for all, and told her goodbye.

Lesson learned.
 

Will_V

Tool-Bearing Hominid
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Little update:

Things were good for a while. Eventually, I started hurting her again. She wanted to break up and I won her back like 10 times. Each time with good periods in between, and each time requiring more effort on my part to win her over. She started developing hot and cold behavior. She'd either love me or hate me. When I hurt her, she'd respond stronger negatively.

Eventually, about 2 weeks ago, she had enough. She left. I still kept hitting her up periodically. She started missing me, called me, would change her mind, say she just wanted me to give closure, which is a lie, I just kept reminding her of negative feelings. I kept trying to win her back but she stopped buckling. Said she'd block me from everywhere. That it was time to move on, she gave me too many chances, that I needed to be happy without her, and that she needed to distance herself from me. That I had been the worst relationship she'd ever been in, etc. That every time she had garnered hope I would smash it to the ground. She wanted nothing to do with me, yada yada.

2 days ago I told someone in our circle that I had like 100 nudes of her, and if they wanted to see. They said sure. Someone else found out and told her, she had a meltdown and texted me that I was an asshole, that I was evil incarnate, and that she prayed for whoever was my next relationship. Again, she kept going from seeming rational, to becoming very angry and hostile, to longing and feeling hurt.

She called me today crying. Saying she was going to kill herself, saying goodbye to me. She failed one of her final exams, which means she needs to repeat the year, so she was especially vulnerable. I convinced her not to kill herself, she promised me. Still claimed she wanted nothing to do with me, so I finally let her go, once and for all, and told her goodbye.

Lesson learned.
What lesson exactly did you learn? Sounds like an absolute disaster of a relationship from your part.

I hope you sort your life out, take some responsibility for yourself and stop seeking pathetic validation by reeling her in and messing her around under the pretense of being her security, because she doesn't sound like she could get through much more of it.
 

Chase

Chieftan
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Check out these articles:



They're about women, but there are men like this too.

If it sounds familiar, the only thing generally agreed to overcome it is cognitive behavioral therapy / dialectical behavior therapy (CBT & DBT).

Halvor has a several-part series on that here:


Chase

edit: also, whoa, just noticed the thing about showing her nudes to guys after she dumped you. I know if you're BPD (which it sounds like you are) there's this fear of abandonment wrapped up with a rather extreme degree of vindictiveness directed at those you perceive as ditching you.

That's fully against the mantra of this place though -- which is leave her better than you found her... not "fuck her up way worse than you found her"..

Be a positive light, man.

Definitely do need therapy for this -- CBT/DBT, if you can stick with it.

Otherwise you will not be able to restrain the self-destructive instincts you have that cause your relationships to implode in the first place.

You have to recondition your instincts at the source. You'll need a trained therapist for that. Otherwise, for folks with BPD, it generally gets worse and worse until around age 40, then starts getting better (presumably, the BPD individual's self-destructive behavior that ends all his relationships triggers a self-fulfilling prophecy in which "everyone always abandons me", further convincing him that he is right to be deeply suspicious of and controlling toward others, and doing all this toxic stuff that triggers abandonment after abandonment. Then I guess around age 40 he starts to figure out he is the one doing it and begins to gradually mellow out -- either that or by 40 he's found the one person who is willing for whatever reason to be his round-the-clock live-in therapist..).
 
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MuST0BtA1NSkR1Lla

Cro-Magnon Man
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Wow not as if I couldn’t see this from ten miles away.

I hope the sex was worth it, I can already smell it wasn’t though.

I remember when Barney Stintson was considered the apex of the game, ugh I don’t miss those days when it was all different but I suppose suppose etc......

So what is my thing for you? Well you have that Bonnie and Clyde vibe going and it’s all dependent on what you want. Do the same thing and end up getting the same results, do something different and all the suddenly the world changes. I can sense that it’s a scary thought for you. This change,

Everything changes at some point, I remember when I use to face my past and would think to myself “what was just a trifle of a week” ended up being the stepping stone of the day. The potential for human growth is unlimited remember that.


musto
 
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Zagreus

Space Monkey
space monkey
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Thank you all for the replies and feedback. My fault for not clarifying, I did *NOT* spread her nudes, only bragged about it to that one person. Still wrong, but I wanted to clarify on this.

Chase

edit: also, whoa, just noticed the thing about showing her nudes to guys after she dumped you. I know if you're BPD (which it sounds like you are) there's this fear of abandonment wrapped up with a rather extreme degree of vindictiveness directed at those you perceive as ditching you.

That's fully against the mantra of this place though -- which is leave her better than you found her... not "fuck her up way worse than you found her"..

Be a positive light, man.

Definitely do need therapy for this -- CBT/DBT, if you can stick with it.

Otherwise you will not be able to restrain the self-destructive instincts you have that cause your relationships to implode in the first place.

You have to recondition your instincts at the source. You'll need a trained therapist for that. Otherwise, for folks with BPD, it generally gets worse and worse until around age 40, then starts getting better (presumably, the BPD individual's self-destructive behavior that ends all his relationships triggers a self-fulfilling prophecy in which "everyone always abandons me", further convincing him that he is right to be deeply suspicious of and controlling toward others, and doing all this toxic stuff that triggers abandonment after abandonment. Then I guess around age 40 he starts to figure out he is the one doing it and begins to gradually mellow out -- either that or by 40 he's found the one person who is willing for whatever reason to be his round-the-clock live-in therapist..).

I was diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder a few years ago. This relationship did give rise to those borderline traits you mentioned, particularly when I lost control over the relationship, which I had never experienced before(the borderline traits), likely due to developing an attachment for her, which was something new for me.

If I may explain my patterns so that I may be better understood and perhaps receive further feedback to aid in my self-improvement...

For the most part, I was relatively stable, emotionally, throughout the relationship except for the end. I was still toxic at times, but it wasn't the needy/clingy toxic that came later on, my actions were to punish behavior that didn't fit my standards, mostly all of those times it was exerting control and power over insignificant things. She would apologize, sometimes cry, I would comfort her and tell her everything was ok, and I would tell her how to go about not triggering that reaction in me again. This worked for a while. Over time, I became more possessive, she developed dependency on me, no longer hung out with friends, asked me for my advice when making decisions about herself, things like that. Eventually, with the way I acted during fights, after she would buckle, she'd start feeling resentful about it, get emotional over her mistreatment, and had me promise I would improve before my birthday(2 months away at the time). These two months were the honey moon period in a way. We were the most stable and happy. I tempered my toxic tendencies instead of exploding at her, I detached myself a little so I could be healthier and more rational and not take out my dysfunctions on her. I let her go out with her friends, and gave her freedom for independence. I let a lot of things slide that I knew were irrational on my part to feel angry about, even though they felt completely justified in my head. And that's a hard thing to do. Because my brain cannot simply decide that it shouldn't be hurt by things that other people wouldn't even register. So I started developing internal conflict.

Eventually, around 3-4 months after I made that promise, I started slipping back into my old self. My ego had won, so I started hurting her again, more frequently. Lashing out. At some point there was a really big fight, in which she didn't buckle, for the first time. She expressed desire to break up, because "the good was no longer worth the bad". I failed to hold frame, I chased, and this is when the needy/clingy toxicity came out full force. I developed resentment, I was fighting more and more internal conflict. I won her back, but it was on her terms. I felt cucked, angry, spiteful, and ensued more frequently hurting her, not really improving at this point. This period of her breaking up and me winning her back happened many times. The relationship turned sour as she developed distance out of fear of being hurt again, when that first big fight happened. That also aided in me getting angry. She wasn't how she used to be, and my ego took that pretty hard.

Then what I wrote in the above post happened. I accepted that she was not happy with me. And that nothing would change if I just kept winning her back. Because I was being selfish, I wanted to win, to overcome, but not to be better.

I said my goodbye 2 days ago. Even though she claimed she wouldn't ever talk to me again, and blocked me, she texted me a long and detailed paragraph yesterday saying that: despite the fact we couldn't be together for so many reasons, I was the most wonderful person she had ever met. That I should have a high opinion of myself and my kindness and never undervalue myself. That I am "very very" special and 100% deserving of love. That may life be kinder to me and teach me to be kind to myself. Ending it with an apology if her message was harmful to me.

I replied that it's fine, thanks for the kind words, and that I never thought she was ever malicious to me. Kept it very short, unlike all the other times were I was trying to win her back. Anyway... She texted me today If I could call if it was ok for me to do so. I didn't reply. She called me 3 times, messaged me that I wasnt sleeping at that time. "Remembered" it's a holiday and said I was probably having fun, and to enjoy myself.

I haven't replied. I don't want to. She obviously still wants to be with me, but even if I wanted to be with her I know now that me trying to rush it and letting her emotions control the dynamic is what kept causing all the turmoil when we were both clearly not ready to be together again. She needs to heal, and I need to get better. I was put on a waiting list for long-term therapy a month ago, but I still haven't been accepted. I was told the wait can be long.

I want you guys to know that despite my behavior, I was really trying, but failing, at being more functional. It doesn't bring me joy to do what I did at all. I don't desire to hurt those I care about. I beat myself up a lot because I knew it was my fault. I had many valuable takeaway lessons, but I am now over it emotionally. I have no issues with full responsibility, my issues were due to not being able to make the correct decisions when it mattered. Towards the end, instead of lashing out, I would ask myself, "Is this my ego reacting irrationality or am I justified in my feelings?", and I would decide it was the former, and I wouldn't react. However, this lead to having those negative feelings bottle up. I tempered them, but they weren't being released. I didn't know how. And then when something else would happen and the same situation would unfold, the past built up emotions were added into the mix with the new emotions, eventually, causing me to pick feeling justified, and causing her pain over it.
 

Zagreus

Space Monkey
space monkey
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What EXACTLY did you do to hurt her?
Hm, there was several ways in which I did so over the course of the relationship.

-Calling her stupid/idiot/useless/retarded

-Calling her fat(she isnt at all)

-Passive aggressive jabs(more towards the end)

-Poking at her and her insecurities(If I was drinking)

-Pushing her to open up about her childhood trauma causing her to dissociate for a few days

-Ignoring her for hours when she'd want to hang out, claiming she was waiting for me the whole time, causing her to have a mental breakdown that she was too obsessed with someone who didn't reciprocate it. (This wasnt so much on purpose because I would be busy, but I didnt go out of my way to tend to her feelings.)

-Emotional blackmail ("You will not get my attention unless you do X." Or, "Hanging out with your friend? Cancel it, I want to spend time." Sometimes she had a good reason for why she needed to go, I would manipulate her like "You must care about them more than me. It's fine, go be with them, cus you're not getting shit from me" Which would cause her to cancel it. One time wanting her to order a pizza for me with her money to prove that she cared for me. She was still in her last year of school, didn't work, and had almost no savings but she needed the money for important things. I made her feel really bad, she ended up needing to ask her friend to buy me the pizza. She became really resentful about that and gave me righteous hell for it. I was more ruthless if I had been drinking, one time telling her that if she didn't call me(she left becus I was being a mean drunk) I was going to break up with her and expose all her nudes and videos to her family and friends. Near the end of the relationship, threatening suicide if she left me.)

At one point she became so sensitive to what I thought of her, that I told her she had the eyes of someone you wouldn't want to get attached to, in a playful manner, and she started crying. With her saying it wasn't ok that she couldn't even handle a comment like that from me. After the fight which caused the turning point, she eventually admitted that she became suicidal again after many years, developed an eating disorder(I had put her on a diet), and was maladaptive daydreaming again.

Something that gave me some early insight into my psyche, was a comment she made one time about me. She told me that I appeared as a Greek god looking down on people from above, unable to humanize them. That's when I started working on my superiority complex.

Just really toxic behavior. She showed me an article once about "Red flags in a relationship" and I pretty much met all of them. I don't condone my behavior at all. I want to change, I am not trying to glamorize myself.

As I type this, she has called me two more times. These times video call, I don't know what to do. I'm ignoring it for now. There goes my phone ringing a third time. I need to also think for myself and my happiness. I also suffer from the back and fourth, and even though I made it seem like it, it was not only me trying to get attention from her, she would do the same sometimes, and claim she just "wanted me to say my last words" because she felt like things ended badly. Which is just her excuse to talk to me again. And then I'd get strung along because I felt like damn, we might get back together, only for her to leave again causing me to sink back into depression for a few days again.
 

Zagreus

Space Monkey
space monkey
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I would like to show some messages I'd like feedback on in regards to how I'm handling it so I do not cause any further damage. Of course I will remove all sensitive information.

Is this allowed?
 

MuST0BtA1NSkR1Lla

Cro-Magnon Man
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Yeah go for it, I’m still with my exact same thoughts for it though there is nothing else here.
 

Zagreus

Space Monkey
space monkey
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Yeah go for it, I’m still with my exact same thoughts for it though there is nothing else here.
We got together the day I typed that.

Kept trying to call me and saying we needed to talk. I told her no many times. She used her emotions to win me back, which was my desire at the end of the day.

She lost her trump card though.

We haven't been perfect since then, she's been hyper-emotional to me being more detached/paying less attention to her/not falling for her baiting shit testing. So a lot of crying on her part. But she's already accepting how things will be and calming down. I keep things stable if I'm in control. I know I painted a pretty erratic picture, but if things are going well for me I am very damage controlling. Instead of fighting/arguing with her when she gets emotional, I just walk away/ignore her now. Which makes her eventually understand she is acting inconsiderate and she apologizes and comes back in a good mood. Has worked every time. I just need to hold frame, and the only reason I ever broke it is because I thought I was genuinely wrong, but I still handled it wrong and chased.

But now she cannot wield any power over me. Times since then I've had to tell her that she can go if she wants, that I'm not going to argue with her, etc. She submits to it. She has to, because I will let her leave and she knows it. Then she will look worse when she comes back.

The truth is, any man more empathic or less manipulative than me would be eaten alive by her. Because she is extremely sensitive but also very emotionally manipulative.

I'm not bad for her, I'm literally the key to her lock. And that's why she keeps coming back despite me becoming weak at one point.
 
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