Thank you all for the replies and feedback. My fault for not clarifying, I did *NOT* spread her nudes, only bragged about it to that one person. Still wrong, but I wanted to clarify on this.
Chase
edit: also, whoa, just noticed the thing about showing her nudes to guys after she dumped you. I know if you're BPD (which it sounds like you are) there's this fear of abandonment wrapped up with a rather extreme degree of vindictiveness directed at those you perceive as ditching you.
That's fully against the mantra of this place though -- which is leave her better than you found her... not "fuck her up way worse than you found her"..
Be a positive light, man.
Definitely do need therapy for this -- CBT/DBT, if you can stick with it.
Otherwise you will not be able to restrain the self-destructive instincts you have that cause your relationships to implode in the first place.
You have to recondition your instincts at the source. You'll need a trained therapist for that. Otherwise, for folks with BPD, it generally gets worse and worse until around age 40, then starts getting better (presumably, the BPD individual's self-destructive behavior that ends all his relationships triggers a self-fulfilling prophecy in which "everyone always abandons me", further convincing him that he is right to be deeply suspicious of and controlling toward others, and doing all this toxic stuff that triggers abandonment after abandonment. Then I guess around age 40 he starts to figure out he is the one doing it and begins to gradually mellow out -- either that or by 40 he's found the one person who is willing for whatever reason to be his round-the-clock live-in therapist..).
I was diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder a few years ago. This relationship did give rise to those borderline traits you mentioned, particularly when I lost control over the relationship, which I had never experienced before(the borderline traits), likely due to developing an attachment for her, which was something new for me.
If I may explain my patterns so that I may be better understood and perhaps receive further feedback to aid in my self-improvement...
For the most part, I was relatively stable, emotionally, throughout the relationship except for the end. I was still toxic at times, but it wasn't the needy/clingy toxic that came later on, my actions were to punish behavior that didn't fit my standards, mostly all of those times it was exerting control and power over insignificant things. She would apologize, sometimes cry, I would comfort her and tell her everything was ok, and I would tell her how to go about not triggering that reaction in me again. This worked for a while. Over time, I became more possessive, she developed dependency on me, no longer hung out with friends, asked me for my advice when making decisions about herself, things like that. Eventually, with the way I acted during fights, after she would buckle, she'd start feeling resentful about it, get emotional over her mistreatment, and had me promise I would improve before my birthday(2 months away at the time). These two months were the honey moon period in a way. We were the most stable and happy. I tempered my toxic tendencies instead of exploding at her, I detached myself a little so I could be healthier and more rational and not take out my dysfunctions on her. I let her go out with her friends, and gave her freedom for independence. I let a lot of things slide that I knew were irrational on my part to feel angry about, even though they felt completely justified in my head. And that's a hard thing to do. Because my brain cannot simply decide that it shouldn't be hurt by things that other people wouldn't even register. So I started developing internal conflict.
Eventually, around 3-4 months after I made that promise, I started slipping back into my old self. My ego had won, so I started hurting her again, more frequently. Lashing out. At some point there was a really big fight, in which she didn't buckle, for the first time. She expressed desire to break up, because "the good was no longer worth the bad". I failed to hold frame, I chased, and this is when the needy/clingy toxicity came out full force. I developed resentment, I was fighting more and more internal conflict. I won her back, but it was on her terms. I felt cucked, angry, spiteful, and ensued more frequently hurting her, not really improving at this point. This period of her breaking up and me winning her back happened many times. The relationship turned sour as she developed distance out of fear of being hurt again, when that first big fight happened. That also aided in me getting angry. She wasn't how she used to be, and my ego took that pretty hard.
Then what I wrote in the above post happened. I accepted that she was not happy with me. And that nothing would change if I just kept winning her back. Because I was being selfish, I wanted to win, to overcome, but not to be better.
I said my goodbye 2 days ago. Even though she claimed she wouldn't ever talk to me again, and blocked me, she texted me a long and detailed paragraph yesterday saying that: despite the fact we couldn't be together for so many reasons, I was the most wonderful person she had ever met. That I should have a high opinion of myself and my kindness and never undervalue myself. That I am "very very" special and 100% deserving of love. That may life be kinder to me and teach me to be kind to myself. Ending it with an apology if her message was harmful to me.
I replied that it's fine, thanks for the kind words, and that I never thought she was ever malicious to me. Kept it very short, unlike all the other times were I was trying to win her back. Anyway... She texted me today If I could call if it was ok for me to do so. I didn't reply. She called me 3 times, messaged me that I wasnt sleeping at that time. "Remembered" it's a holiday and said I was probably having fun, and to enjoy myself.
I haven't replied. I don't want to. She obviously still wants to be with me, but even if I wanted to be with her I know now that me trying to rush it and letting her emotions control the dynamic is what kept causing all the turmoil when we were both clearly not ready to be together again. She needs to heal, and I need to get better. I was put on a waiting list for long-term therapy a month ago, but I still haven't been accepted. I was told the wait can be long.
I want you guys to know that despite my behavior, I was really trying, but failing, at being more functional. It doesn't bring me joy to do what I did at all. I don't desire to hurt those I care about. I beat myself up a lot because I knew it was my fault. I had many valuable takeaway lessons, but I am now over it emotionally. I have no issues with full responsibility, my issues were due to not being able to make the correct decisions when it mattered. Towards the end, instead of lashing out, I would ask myself, "Is this my ego reacting irrationality or am I justified in my feelings?", and I would decide it was the former, and I wouldn't react. However, this lead to having those negative feelings bottle up. I tempered them, but they weren't being released. I didn't know how. And then when something else would happen and the same situation would unfold, the past built up emotions were added into the mix with the new emotions, eventually, causing me to pick feeling justified, and causing her pain over it.