FR++ Girl with trauma, wanted to meet somewhere public.

[Skippy]

Background​

We texted back and forth for ages since I had to leave the country for a family emergency and as a result, we couldn't meet until now, since I'm back. My SMS carrier wouldn't let me respond to her texts internationally so we just spent the week in radio silence. Thankfully I warned her that that might be the case.

She was always hyper-responsive over text, quintuple texting me at times, but there was a slight hitch which I didn't know how to handle (other than to just give it time??)

Her: Asian-American girl dressed in some hippie pants, a denim jacket, and a black tank top. She had on lots of bead bracelets and healing crystal pendants. Her hair was up in a bun with a floral hair clip.

How we met: Daygame bookstore approach+ Texting that ensued

Date Structure: Meet for boba (she offered to pay), walked over to the benches (3hrs), explored the mall a bit, went to the grocery store inside, and at that point suggested eating dumplings, went back to my place(2-3 hrs). Total time was around 5 hours

(ok ok I know it sounds freaking insane to have a 5-6 hour date and not do anything more than just talking but I thought I needed to spend some extra time to solidify the pull, based on what she said about her trauma during our texting earlier and during our date)

Date Setup(The first hitch)​

Her: What are we going to do after we get boba because I saw it's takeout or delivery only

Me: oh, there's plenty of benches outside. I know of a nice spot overlooking the streets

Her: Ooooo, okay! I'd like to stay in a public space so the benches outside sound like a plan!! Like, I'd love to see the spot that you mentioned one day!! However, I'm not comfortable doing so right now. Ahahaha

Me: Oh they are the same thing. theres a bank down the street that has some outdoor benches which are elevated a little bit above the rest of the street so it's a nice spot to hangout, enjoy the sunshine, and watch the foot traffic below.

Her: Ooooo, that sounds nice! As long as it's public, I'm fine with it! Ahahaha. I'm sorry. I kinda got some trust issues that I'm working on..... It's weird. I trust you enough to tell you straight up cuz I usually don't..... Maybe trust issue isn't the right word.... But yeah. Ahahahaha. And I don't know why I'm saying this now either. However, I think it might be because I want to be straight up so you also have an idea of where I'm at and communicating that?? Anyways, I love to enjoy the sun!! Favorite thing to do is to read at a park under the sun. It's amazing and very grounding!!

Me: ohh don't apologize! I totally get it...my ex had something similar when I first met her actually. you can talk about it more if/when you feel comfortable but it's also fine if you don't want to.

Her: Grand rising!! Ahahahahahahaha. Ummm. I don't know why I started crying..... But thank you for understanding and giving me space/the option to talk about it or not! I really appreciate it! If I'm ever "too much" please don't hesitate to let me know and/or if you'd like to call it quits, I won't take it personal either!! I understand that I can be "too much" for some due to my depth of emotions and passions. So yeah! I feel like I'll be able to tell you later in the future when I can allow myself to trust more. It might be "a lot" so we'll see

So I'm guessing she's had some trauma with rape or something.

First Venue Boba​

We meet outside the boba shop, light chit-chat, and then as we're walking to the benches, I point out my house along the way.

We talk about pretty deep (slightly heavy) topics because the texting itself was rather deep. She opens up about her family history and relationship with her brother, I also open up a little bit about my recent trip.

Potential Gambit involving Sexual Chemistry
We both relate with each other because of our religious upbringing and how it made us originally feel ashamed about sex. She was super open about this topic and so I talked about sexual chemistry and how sexual chemistry is like the other side to 'social' chemistry and how they each amplify each other. I described it as analogous to the moon.

When you see the moon, you only see the bright part of it, that's like your initial surface-level (social) connection to the person. BUT there's another side of the moon that you don't see, which is your sexual connection. And having a strong sexual connection can amplify a social connection and a social connection can amplify a sexual connection.

But really they're just two sides of the same coin. She was mind-blown by this perspective and she also added how masculine-feminine polarity is important for this. And how religion doesn't want you to know that aspect of it.

I set this frame around sexual chemistry because I knew she had a religious background and I wanted to prophylactically address any potential issues of "oh but sex can ruin a good connection" or " oh you should wait until you've known someone for 10 years and married before having sex".

She goes into more details about what happened with her past relationships and how one guy took advantage of her when she was drunk at a hostel and how she felt pressured to go along with him, and make out. And she shut down and just let it happen.

She said he would caress her and actually she realized it turned her on and that freaked her out at first, thinking that he had drugged her, but now she realized what it was. She managed to get out of that situation. She had another incident prior to that which I surmised was even worse since she was even more reluctant to talk about it.

She told me it took her a really long time to be okay with just hugging.

She would say how it was fate that we met, because there was this girl she used to have feelings for and the week that we couldn't text, gave her time to process her emotions for the girl and move on (so that she could make room in her heart for me).

I had us move around to another bench because it was getting chilly and I wanted the sun and there we talked about online dating, and how it's different between girls and guys, from here it was an easy transition into the 8 orgasms routine.

The Pull​

We go walk around in the mall and she's interested in the grocery store there so we go inside and check out the snacks for a bit. Then I suggest getting a pack of frozen dumplings. She thinks about it for a while and then says Okay. We spend more time checking out the other snacks and stuff and then go back to my place. I wasn't even expecting to pull so even that was a good sign to me, but I didn't really plan to go beyond that.

So I did some mild escalation by placing my hand on her back for about 5 seconds and incidental touches before the pull.

Then as she was stirring the dumplings, I caressed her back a little bit more, but it was too much for her and she said "sorry!" so I dropped it and just quickly said "hey look I want to make sure you're comfortable" and then resumed convo as if nothing happened. Anyway there were a lot of convo threads that we unpacked after that like music, meyers briggs, etc... I didn't try escalating again since she planned to leave in 20 min to give a package to her friends (she actually ended up staying for another 90 min)

What I did well​

• Sexual chemistry talk was great, and it was a nice alternative to the purity gambit, I think. Hopefully, it accomplished the same objectives.
• I also talked about the native Americans and how they encouraged exploring one's sexuality instead of shaming it.
• Also, when dealing with resistance, I have a bad habit of trying again almost immediately, which is stupid, but this time I waited it out and took a step back(ideally I would make another move in 10 min)

What I could do better​

• I didn't know how to handle the issue of her trauma, I'm thinking it might take multiple dates...so we'll see.
• I was practicing micro escalation, by 60yoc (thanks to Skills's suggestion) but I could've been a little better about it. This was my main focus during the date. I implemented 'aroused breathing' and mainly I still needed insane sexual eye contact. I don't know if I ever felt that she was drinking in my eye contact at any point during the interaction.

 

[Skippy]

well...I managed to FUCK this one up somehow...yikes!

Her: I'm home! Thanks again for the food! I wanted to ask you about your thoughts on today's hangout. And of course, I'd appreciate your honesty over your thoughts being sugarcoated :laughingcryingemoji:

Me: glad you made it home safely! I had a great time with you although I got a little sleepy at the end and I hope you felt comfortable and all since I know it can be a little nerve-wracking going to a dudes place for the first time

Her: I'm glad to hear! I had a great time as well! AHAHHA. It's always going to be a first with someone new Sorry for the late response. I needed time to process how I felt before proceeding. I know we met for a reason. I didn't think that I'd be the one to say this.... but I don't feel drawn to moving forward anymore to see where things could go. You're a great guy and we have great conversations, which I really do appreciate!! However, something tells me that there's something that we're not in alignment, and that's important to me. Thank you for everything and I wish you the best with your journey!!

"great guy+great conversation" -- maybe this means I was missing the sexual arousal key. Looks like waiting too long came back to bite me. I should've just pulled sooner and put on a movie after dinner. so in the future pull sooner and if she has objections, just deal with them by reassuring her we're not going to do anything she's not comfortable with.

I'm not sure what to do about the sexual arousal key, I mean I did the 8 orgasms routine but I guess I didn't do it well enough, or maybe I was missing something else along with it. And I was trying to escalate on her a little bit while cooking, but she wasn't comfortable then. So maybe I could've tried again after waiting some time?

"I didn't think that I'd be the one to say this" -- means I royally screwed something up

It was probably a mistake letting her talk about her past experiences with trauma. Actually, that was a big mistake as it made it harder to escalate.
Next time I go on a date, I'll focus on nothing else, other than bouncing back to my place within 45 min to an hour tops.

 

[Skills]

Skippy that hand on the back that is a weird type of micro escalation, I don't know were you got that form of micro escalation but is the most awkward and worst way to escalate....micro escalation is more like getting in her space caressing and mini hand massages, holding eye contact, triangular glaze, putting hair behind ear, etc... that long of a date is over kill, 2 hours max to pull 6 hours is just too much, specially you didn't bang death sentence I am going to see if I can find a video on micro escalation but I think Jeff rsd totally makes fun of hand in the back, total anti seductive chodish escalation... when you don't escalate properly or bang on such a long date she will backwards rationalize lack of chemistry and connection.

 

[Skippy]

Skippy that hand on the back that is a weird type of micro escalation, I don't know were you got that form of micro escalation but is the most awkward and worst way to escalate....micro escalation is more like getting in her space caressing and mini hand massages, holding eye contact, triangular glaze, putting hair behind ear, etc...

Oh okay, I'll cut that out then. To clarify, is putting my hand on the small of her back also a no-no?

that long of a date is over kill, 2 hours max to pull 6 hours is just too much,

Yea this is something I constantly overdo, I think. Next time I'm going to make it a point to invite her back sooner than I'm comfortable, like at the 45 min mark or something.

I am going to see if I can find a video on micro escalation but I think Jeff rsd totally makes fun of hand in the back, total anti seductive chodish escalation...

Sure, that would be very much appreciated!

Thanks as always

 

[Fuck This]

You were on an uphill pull anyway starting this out. Lots of red flags that the juice wouldn't be worth the squeeze.

You are worth more than what damaged women can offer.....

 

[foggy]

So you're on the bench with her and she's spilling the beans on her past traumas, allowing herself to be vulnerable around you....tells you she's opening up room in her heart for you..

Are you on the other side of the bench, acting impersonal? Or are you sitting directly beside her as she tells you her struggles, with your arm around her and you comforting her by showing social care and concern?

 

[Skippy]

Are you on the other side of the bench, acting impersonal? Or are you sitting directly beside her as she tells you her struggles, with your arm around her and you comforting her by showing social care and concern?

Oh hmm maybe somewhere in between. I think I might've patted her a little and tried to show concern. we were sitting outwardly at the corner(it was a square bench) and sort of turned to face each other, close enough that I could pat her knee and maybe her back. She said how at one point she was so traumatized by touch that she freaked out when one of her guy friends tried to give her a hug.

I do remember seeing a couple nearby that was sitting extremely close together at the corner of another bench, to the point where their cheeks were probably touching the whole time, and their bodies were really close, and the guy had his arm around the girl. I remember noticing the contrast and noticing how their sexual tension seemed to reverberate throughout the area. I don't think she noticed them, but then again, girls have much better peripherals.

Then we moved to another bench to get the sunlight and here we were sitting closer to each other, side-by-side, our bodies almost touching. I realize now, that I could've put my arm around her.

But yea your questions are making me realize that I need to get much much better at using touch.

I was a bit lazy about it because I read how some guys hardly ever use touch until they have the girl back at their place. And that's kind of what I would do...but also my escalation with her back at my place wasn't very good. And I assume they have other ways of building sexual tension too.

This "very little touch before pulling" worked alright on Tinder dates, but I am finding that I picked up a lot of bad habits from Tinder dates that I need to unlearn. So there's a lot on this matter that I don't understand yet.

 

[Skills]

Oh hmm maybe somewhere in between. I think I might've patted her a little and tried to show concern. we were sitting outwardly at the corner(it was a square bench) and sort of turned to face each other, close enough that I could pat her knee and maybe her back. She said how at one point she was so traumatized by touch that she freaked out when one of her guy friends tried to give her a hug.

I do remember seeing a couple nearby that was sitting extremely close together at the corner of another bench, to the point where their cheeks were probably touching the whole time, and their bodies were really close, and the guy had his arm around the girl. I remember noticing the contrast and noticing how their sexual tension seemed to reverberate throughout the area. I don't think she noticed them, but then again, girls have much better peripherals.

Then we moved to another bench to get the sunlight and here we were sitting closer to each other, side-by-side, our bodies almost touching. I realize now, that I could've put my arm around her.

But yea your questions are making me realize that I need to get much much better at using touch.

I was a bit lazy about it because I read how some guys hardly ever use touch until they have the girl back at their place. And that's kind of what I would do...but also my escalation with her back at my place wasn't very good. And I assume they have other ways of building sexual tension too.

This "very little touch before pulling" worked alright on Tinder dates, but I am finding that I picked up a lot of bad habits from Tinder dates that I need to unlearn. So there's a lot on this matter that I don't understand yet.

Skippy is not just touch it is a very sensual, seductive type touch... whenever I am with a girl right away she knows I am secret society, sexy dude, starts with body language, deep seductive voice changes in the way you speak and change voices, glow has a post on this look in his archive.... the touch need to communicate sexual competence vs chodiness, I don't recall ever placing hand on back as seductive escalation... don't listen to don't escalate till close type of advice cause at the close the. Is a huge move out of the blue is advice taking out of context of dudes that escalate and kill sexual tension... finally the reason for your 6 hours dates is cause you are scared of fucking it up, she knows this and feels it therefore you fuck it up better a bold move vs playing safe, now better playing safe vs stupid move... I usually do soft closes and 2 steps forward one back on escalations and yes not always Is going to work 100%, but higher odds making moves vs playing it safe...