Girlfriend broke up several times, but this is more complex

Alpha13SC

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Hi,

Story: I met this girl on Tinder, almost 2 years ago, when I was getting better at picking up girls. I was focusing a lot on the experience they were having with me, the sex. I have a motorcycle, so lots of adrenaline, new activities, etc. This girl somehow gave me a lot of attention and was having fun to talk with me, and I also having fun, so we hang out more often. Slowly, I let other girls and focused on her. She was somehow clingy and needed a lot of attention(touches, hugs, kiss after sex). Everything was good until the pandemics came and we spent a lot of time together. Now, I m a guy who needs a lots of space, physicaly and being at home for so many months somehow affected me. After the first lockdown, I falled with my motorcycle, broke my collarbone, fight to not get deppresion, she helped me a lot, was very loyal, but the fights were getting worse. I told her that she should lose some weight. She s a person who somehow needs some validation. On the other hand, I m a confident guy, don't really care about what others care about me, and I don't need validation, so I assumed that she didn t need it also. First month I was very calibrated, feeling her emotions and acted accordingly, but in the last year, we were fighting a lot, even if we cared about eachother. I m not reall exposing my feelings and she told me that she felts unnapreciated, she needed flowers, this kind of affection. I gave her more affection that I could possibly imagine I would do, but somehow it wasn't enough, or just treating her badly(became a control freak, a lot of stress from recovery, not going to office and gym).
Now, what follows seems like a movie, but somehow it s true.
1 breakup. I left because I didn't felt like continuing. All what I was seeing is her getting fat( in reality maybe there were 4-5kg, dunno. The pandemics was harsh.)
2. Second break up, she left because she felt unnapreciated. She left crying.
3 and 4. Almost break up because she was expecting from me to be more careful with her need and emotions. I was, but I was not calibrated enough to see that a relationship requires other things like security and confort. (She suspected me of cheating. Didn't happen, but I was misterious, to say like that. Didn't share a lot of details with here.)
5. Had a holiday at her parents. Last 4 days we fight everyday, there was just tension between us. Somehow her reactions made me angrier, called her out, sometimes I had control freak actions, and so on.

In a night she came at me after she hang out with her colleagues from work. We discussed a subject that they had and that is that men, when cheating, they don't involve emotions, but women do. This was my view(maybe it's wrong, maybe not). We slept separately. Didn talk for a few days, met her, she was cold. I said "you are distant", and she "you always were". And then, after another days of not talking, we finally met and she told me that she can't see a future between us, she doesn't know me, we are different, that I called her fat, she need some therapy for her self image and so on. I said that I dont her to leave and a few things, but I didn't know how to act in that moment. She took her things. After 3-4 days we meet again, told her a few nice things, how I feel, that I want her back, but that was her final decision. After one week invited her on a walk, she said that no, the longer time passes, the more she realizez how toxic the relationship was, which is true.
She updated her Tinder profile(we still have the connection, my mistake for checking), FB and whatsapp profile pic. I felt bad seeing this.
I went on a date with another girl when I saw that, but didn't felt any better, maybe took of my mind of hear.

TL,DR: Girlfriend left a number of times, but now, from the last discussion. She felt unnapreciated and unvalidated. In the first yeah, her behaviour was good, but after the first year(we had 2 years), she started acting bad, we insulted eachother. My frame and my attention to her emotions were affected(Motorcycle acident, lockdown, unable to go to gym). Now I understand my mistakes.

How to approach? I would like to get with her again, but now doing the stuff better. I wanted to go with #1 approach from "How to get your girlfriend back" by Chase, with that email, but I think it will just end things quicker.

Thank you,
Alpha13SC
 

Alpha13SC

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Also, she let some of her stuff here, and I still have some T shirts at her, but I don't think this matters at all.
 

topcat

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For now leave her be, and go and heal yourself.

Sure you may want to get back with her, but what will you seriously offer her that you couldn’t offer her before?

Why now, when you are in an emotional state do you feel you will be different (without time to reflect, heal and adjust) and be better than you were before?

If you do get her back where will you lead her?

And how will you convey all of this to her now in a way that does not repulse her and send her running in the opposite direction?

Feel your pain. Know your loss. Do better by the next one.. whether it ends up being her or somebody else..
 

Alpha13SC

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Hi,
Thank you for replying. I can give her a better time with me, better emotions. I know what I did wrong and what I did right. I know how it was when everything was good and I can replicate that.
Yes, the emotional state right know isn't 100%, but I managed to recover in a proportion. My friends helped me a lot. I also reflected a lot about many interactions between us went through so many many feelings whitch lead to anger somehow because of the context being lived again and how I could have behave in a better manner.

What I m thinking is just more commitment from me.
I don t know the answer to the last question. That s why I m asking.
TBH I fel a lot of pain. Guilt mostly. But I accepted that. I went through break ups before. Some were painful af, because I didn t know what caused the break up. Now I understand more. There something in me that tells me I can manage to do better.
 

topcat

Tool-Bearing Hominid
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read this https://www.skilledseducer.com/thre...et-society-members-seducers-women-gays.22069/

@Skills gives an excellent breakdown in getting over a girl.

What i’m saying is, you’re unlikely to succeed at giving her the relationship you should’ve gave her, because she’s not going to give you the time of day. You’ll likely end up trying to convince her which will come off weak to her.

Your best bet is to let her go and give her the choice to come back to you (or not) but give her the choice..

If she does come back you’re now in the position to show her, as opposed to tell her. Promises mean nothing especially under duress..

With time and a clearer head you can make that decision rationally..
 

Alpha13SC

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Thank you. It's a good post. It covers a lot of my actions. Deep down, I do not want to get back just to see signs of disrespect between us. That triggered me the most. I don t feel her like I used to and this is depressing a little bit. Like you experience something but this time is different. I think everything begun with the first break up. Maybe second, because in the first one, I initiated it.
I know my mind is mixed right know. Should I send that email that Chase was writing in his blog? Last time we spoke I felt some investment from her, few replies, then some negative emotions regarding our interaction.
 

Will_V

Tool-Bearing Hominid
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I think it would be good to think carefully if this is the girl for you, or whether it is your ego involved or you are in a needy position.

It is not hard to get a girlfriend back if one really wants to, but it will likely be on terms that one of you doesn't want. Is that the outcome that, in the long run, will make you feel successful?
 

Alpha13SC

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I think it's a bit from all. When I m thinking of her, I m thinking about the times we were happy, and I would to replicate that. It depends on the terms. Appreciating her more seems healthy to me. At least, that was what was missing. I don t know what else could imply in this moment.
 

Fuck This

Cro-Magnon Man
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Every time you break up , it is easier to break the next time, and takes less to do it. Learn from your screw ups and apply it to your next relationship.

Go to a dating pool you haven't pissed in.
 
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