Girls Mindset After You Take Them To Bed FAST

NarrowJ

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After first date lays, it seems like girls panic and want to try and sway the power back in their direction ever so swiftly.

Best example of this is a girl I took out for dinner and brought her home and had sex with her on a first date. For the second date, I texted her the day of and she asked me what time was good. I said anytime after 5, and she responds "Ok how about 5:30 because I have a conference at 7:45" which basically she's telling me we're going to eat and nothing else after. I just responded "Well how about we reschedule so you don't have to just eat and run?"

I nearly always get these attempts to suddenly swing everything back in their favor after a first date lay. Did I handle the above appropriately? How do you guys deal with these things?


-NJ
 

Richard

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Nj, in my opinion, you handled things the way a "dominant man" would. You refused to give in to her assertion, and thus refused to give in to her attempt to sway the power. On that note, very good job, you handled things well. As far as your response, I'm not sure, so I would listen to another person's input on that aspect.
 

Franco

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NJ,

I nearly always get these attempts to suddenly swing everything back in their favor after a first date lay. Did I handle the above appropriately? How do you guys deal with these things?

This probably depends on what you want from this girl. I think your response was the correct one if you are looking for something casual. This girl probably likes you, and it means she's thinking about one (or both) of the following things:

  • 1) Does he only want sex from me?
    2) Did I sleep with him too fast? Should I try to slow things down?

If she's thinking these things, then it might be because she's trying to boyfriend-zone you... which is okay after you've slept with her if you want to be her boyfriend. One thing you should make sure of is that you're only inviting her directly over to your place after the first time you sleep with her if you want to keep it casual. If she agrees to come over and then you decide to go grab a bite to eat somewhere else, then that is okay. If you are inviting her out with you over text though, then if she's smart and interested (which it sounds like this girl might be), she'll try to get the "romantic, courtship-like" stuff out of you and withhold the sex to draw you into boyfriend land (and also protect herself in case you're not interested).

However, if you think you might be interested in a long-term relationship with this girl, then it actually doesn't hurt to give in to this early on once or twice, especially if you've bedded her on the first date. She already knows your a sexy, dominant man. It helps relieve her worries that you might only want her for sex since she slept with you so quickly.

Hope that was clear.

- Franco
 

NarrowJ

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Yes, loud and clear Franco! :) Thanks for the input here.

I wouldn't mind ending up in the boyfriend zone, but then again I would just hurt her more than likely because I am consistently seeing other new women. So I probably messed up by inviting her out for dinner. When I texted her about dinner she actually texted back "I'm surprised you remember!" so she probably does feel a little bad about sleeping with me on a first date. I thought I took care of her well after sex, and made sure she knew I thought she was an awesome girl. Who knows...

Again, thanks! (I also wonder if I can still play the FWB role with this girl, or if I messed it up by suggesting dinner)

NJ
 

Richard

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NJ, I am no expert on the matter, but generally I see 2 consistencies with FWB, and they are:
-Forwardness with intention
-Casual "dating."

Forwardness with intention --> Well actually, I think this can be broken up as well. Friends of mine, and FWBs I've had, the general approach to it was discussing the intentions of the relationship. If you lead her on to believing that you were going to girlfriend her, then discussing a FWB type of relationship would let her down, and she'd likely decline. However, if you've built up the relationship to be casual with sex, then she'd probably accept a FWB type of relationship. On the flip side, if she wants a romantic relationship with you, and she can't attain that, she may accept the best that she will get with you, which is a FWB relationship because she'll feel like it's a lower level romantic relationship.

Casual dating --> Generally, even with FWB it's best to maintain a casual relation which includes seeing movies, dinner, chilling and hanging out. The difference is the amount of times you take her out per week, generally with a FWB it's best to take her out less than you would a girlfriend, and more than you would a friend, so about 2-3 times every 7-10 days on average (whatever works for you and her). That being said, the fact that you're going out for dinner will probably not inhibit or infringe on your pursuit of a FWB relationship because in actuality it's a pretty "normal" thing to do in that type of relation.

-Hope this helped,
Richard
 

girlsfollow

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NarrowJ said:
After first date lays, it seems like girls panic and want to try and sway the power back in their direction ever so swiftly.

Best example of this is a girl I took out for dinner and brought her home and had sex with her on a first date. For the second date, I texted her the day of and she asked me what time was good. I said anytime after 5, and she responds "Ok how about 5:30 because I have a conference at 7:45" which basically she's telling me we're going to eat and nothing else after. I just responded "Well how about we reschedule so you don't have to just eat and run?"

I nearly always get these attempts to suddenly swing everything back in their favor after a first date lay. Did I handle the above appropriately? How do you guys deal with these things?


-NJ
YES - had this happen big time - I think it might be what happened the other day with my ongoing complex situation of my recent FR/LR. I think all of these "sweet" girls (who are still just as naughty in bed I might add - they just hide it from the world more) have an image of themselves which can only imagine them having sex within a relationship - it literally shakes their world since they have been sure all of their lives "I'm not THAT kind of girl - GOD FORBID!! EWWW - only sluts do that!" we have shattered their fairytale.... - they need to recover their image - so much so that no matter how much they like you they might even sink things with you in an effort to preserve their self image! For this reason I'm starting to think it might actually be better in some cases if you are good at building sexual tension to let it build till the second meet - resulting in far less ego shattering and problems...... Thoughts?

Of course its almost impossible to judge whether a girl is really a "sweet" girl or just putting it on (since they are trained professionals at this) so its probably best to proceed on the assumption nonjudgementally that they are not till something big suggests otherwise...

I have a somewhat similar situation with this girl:
viewtopic.php?f=3&t=2697&p=12080#p12080
 

NarrowJ

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Hey Zphix,

Zphix said:
[snip]

Forwardness with intention --> Well actually, I think this can be broken up as well. Friends of mine, and FWBs I've had, the general approach to it was discussing the intentions of the relationship. If you lead her on to believing that you were going to girlfriend her, then discussing a FWB type of relationship would let her down, and she'd likely decline. However, if you've built up the relationship to be casual with sex, then she'd probably accept a FWB type of relationship. On the flip side, if she wants a romantic relationship with you, and she can't attain that, she may accept the best that she will get with you, which is a FWB relationship because she'll feel like it's a lower level romantic relationship.

Casual dating --> Generally, even with FWB it's best to maintain a casual relation which includes seeing movies, dinner, chilling and hanging out. The difference is the amount of times you take her out per week, generally with a FWB it's best to take her out less than you would a girlfriend, and more than you would a friend, so about 2-3 times every 7-10 days on average (whatever works for you and her). That being said, the fact that you're going out for dinner will probably not inhibit or infringe on your pursuit of a FWB relationship because in actuality it's a pretty "normal" thing to do in that type of relation.

I'm going to strongly agree with you on the first part, and disagree on that second part. Pretty much all the advice I've gotten suggests for a casual relationship that you're ONLY inviting her over to your house after the first date. (See Franco's advice, above. Also, this is what Chase recommends as well) So basically I screwed up by inviting her out for dinner, I think. I don't know what her mindset was, but looking back and after thinking about it- that is when she started to bug out on me a little bit. She may also be trying to recover her image, as GF states.

But again, yes, agree totally on the first part. I think I did a good job framing it as purely sexual on the first date, took care of her emotions properly afterward, but maybe expectations were not set logically for her as well.



GF,

girlsfollow said:
YES - had this happen big time - I think it might be what happened the other day with my ongoing complex situation of my recent FR/LR. I think all of these "sweet" girls (who are still just as naughty in bed I might add - they just hide it from the world more) have an image of themselves which can only imagine them having sex within a relationship - it literally shakes their world since they have been sure all of their lives "I'm not THAT kind of girl - GOD FORBID!! EWWW - only sluts do that!" we have shattered their fairytale.... - they need to recover their image - so much so that no matter how much they like you they might even sink things with you in an effort to preserve their self image! For this reason I'm starting to think it might actually be better in some cases if you are good at building sexual tension to let it build till the second meet - resulting in far less ego shattering and problems...... Thoughts?

Of course its almost impossible to judge whether a girl is really a "sweet" girl or just putting it on (since they are trained professionals at this) so its probably best to proceed on the assumption nonjudgementally that they are not till something big suggests otherwise...

I have a somewhat similar situation with this girl:
viewtopic.php?f=3&t=2697&p=12080#p12080

I know Estate has had issues with women after taking them to bed on a first date too. Maybe this is something we can get Chase to write a blog post about, is managing women's reactions to you taking them as your lover SWIFTLY. It seems like a girl's reaction can be any or all of the following:

* She is appalled that it happened, barely or never speaks to you again (Have never personally had this happen, but I know it does)
* She used you for sex, barely or never speaks to you again (I've seen a case of this somewhere on the boards here, can't recall where)
* She's ok it happened, and wants to see you again casually (I think this is what most of us are going for, yes?)
* She's ok it happened, but maybe regrets it or wants you as a BF (tries to recover image, suddenly plays extra hard to get, BF-zones you)

Would love to see Chase address this issue, being that so many of us are having it. I'm sure the problems lie in how we're framing things, and how we're taking care of her emotions after we take them to bed.


NJ
 

Richard

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That being said J, how did you "take care" of her emotions post sex?
 

Franco

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Everyone,

So keep in mind that whether or not a girl wants to see you again after a first-date lay (and what expectations she has of the next time she sees you again) can't really be nailed down to "one" specific thing you did or didn't do on the date. It's really an all-encompassing decision based on how the entire date went, from the initial meet-up to her leaving your bedroom in the morning. The framing, the warmth, the sex, and the connection between you two all play a role in what she's going to be thinking about over the next few days, and even how you contact her next, and what you ask her to do, is going to factor in to how she's going to react to your invitation for a second date or second "casual" encounter.

I'll talk to Chase about getting an article up on this because it has been a hot topic on the boards recently.

I've never had any issues with a girl wanting to see me after a first-date lay, but my ability to be warm and connect with women (empathy) has always been one of my greatest strengths. I realize that this is not everyone's strength. With that being said, Novacane had brought up this topic in an earlier post, and I went into detail about my typical post-sex interaction with women. I just want to make sure everyone here got a chance to see this so you guys can at least get an idea of what my interactions look like right after sex with a girl for the first time.

That post is here: https://boards.girlschase.com/viewtopic.php?f=3&t=2470&p=11132#p11132

- Franco
 

NarrowJ

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Here's another topic in addition to the ones that Franco and Girlsfollow linked, that has some questions/info related to this very subject: viewtopic.php?f=3&t=2522


Zphix,

...How did you "take care" of her emotions post sex?

She never mentioned anything about feeling bad about it or regretting it, so I didn't do any type of "damage control". I did hold her after sex and we caressed each other and she told me some sexy things that she likes to do in bed. So, I was getting the vibe that she's comfortable talking to me about her sexual prowess (if you will). She couldn't stay overnight, so I had texted her a bit after she left and told her "[Name], thanks for coming out with me tonight. You're a lot of fun to talk to, a really awesome gal ;)" and she read the message and didn't respond to it. But, texted me the next morning.


Franco,

I've never had any issues with a girl wanting to see me after a first-date lay, but my ability to be warm and connect with women (empathy) has always been one of my greatest strengths.

This is one of the issues that have came up, but I don't think this is my issue. She wants to see me again, but she's making sure it is on her terms this time, and trying to make it happen in a scenario where there will not be any sex. Sounds like she is trying to tell me that I am either going to take the necessary steps to become her BF, or nothing. To me it seems like she is trying to re-frame, and wants to turn the power struggle on its head.


NJ
 

Franco

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NJ,

This is one of the issues that have came up, but I don't think this is my issue.

Yeah, I actually wasn't referring to you specifically when I mentioned this, but it has been an issue recently on the boards.

She wants to see me again, but she's making sure it is on her terms this time, and trying to make it happen in a scenario where there will not be any sex. Sounds like she is trying to tell me that I am either going to take the necessary steps to become her BF, or nothing. To me it seems like she is trying to re-frame, and wants to turn the power struggle on its head.

So I'll probably have to get more input from Chase on this one, but this could be something that may be unavoidable with some girls. I haven't really had much experience with it though... usually the girls that I take to bed that do want me as a boyfriend tend to kinda roll with the punches because they like me so much that they are "nervous" about turning down my offers to see them again and making me think that they aren't interested in me -- as a result, they get nervous that I may not contact them again if they don't accept my offer to see them. But like I said, this could be due to lots of things... I also don't text girls all that much, so they know that if they don't accept an offer to come over, they might not hear from me again for days (or maybe not at all) -- which again makes them nervous. Which is another reason I don't like to text too often, but that's going off-topic.

The other reason this might have happened to you might have had to do with what I mentioned above: you invited her out for dinner instead of inviting her directly over to your place. When you invite her out to dinner, you're giving her the idea that you're trying to court her, so she suddenly starts worrying about her image and what you think of her, and she realizes that she doesn't want to come across as "easy," so she tries to get you in situations where you do the courting but won't get the sex so that you start to chase.

If you invite her directly over to your place, then right away she knows what you want... and this can be a good thing. In a socially acceptable way, you are being clear to her by saying, "here's what I have to offer: great sex with no judgment or severe consequences on your end." You then throw the ball in her court with a clear message, and she can decide, "well, I really enjoyed the sex with him and he doesn't make me feel bad about myself... I want to see him again."

EDIT: Ironically, this is also how you should begin your courtship of a girl that you want to take as a girlfriend anyway (and what Chase recommends). If you just keep inviting her over and sleeping with her, while simultaneously having engaging pillow talk and supplicating with warmth, she'll naturally start to get feelings for you. Then you just kinda let things happen naturally from there.

So these are some of the angles a girl might be seeing things from.

- Franco
 

NarrowJ

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Franco, that all makes perfect sense to me. I'll make sure to keep the frame going next time, so I don't get her mind wandering off into BF land ;)

Thanks again,
NJ
 

Richard

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Alright J, seems like you handled yourself very well after sex, no necessary damage control, and she didn't give off any negative vibes, exactly as you stated. A small subtly that stands out for me in your initial text was "you're fun to talk to." Reading that from the perspective of a girl who just had sex with you, it's like:
-I'm only fun to talk to? Nothing else? Upset, or worried reaction
-The sex was great! Why is he only mentioning the talking?
-Possibly a he likes talking to me, we don't need more sex to get what I want

Now, this may or may not be so, but those are my initial reactions anyway, how did she respond in her morning text?
 

NarrowJ

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Zphix said:
Alright J, seems like you handled yourself very well after sex, no necessary damage control, and she didn't give off any negative vibes, exactly as you stated. A small subtly that stands out for me in your initial text was "you're fun to talk to." Reading that from the perspective of a girl who just had sex with you, it's like:
-I'm only fun to talk to? Nothing else? Upset, or worried reaction
-The sex was great! Why is he only mentioning the talking?
-Possibly a he likes talking to me, we don't need more sex to get what I want

Now, this may or may not be so, but those are my initial reactions anyway, how did she respond in her morning text?


The response the next morning wasn't anything telling. Just a normal "Hey blah blah good morning!" or what have you. And, she knows I thought the sex was good, for sure ;)

I think Franco is right, that when I offered dinner as a 2nd date she starting thinking the relationship was going in another direction.

NJ
 

Richard

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Lol, I didn't see Franco's response, he finished his while I was still writing mine, but I think Franco is right on that note as well
 

NarrowJ

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ZacAdam said:
A topic by Chase,

I saw you guys responding to this, This topic is close enough of explanation, but maybe more detail i think.

viewtopic.php?f=3&t=53&p=54&hilit=+trust#p54

Zac


Zac,

Great find! It does shed some light. Maybe we can still get Chase to put up a blog post that has more detail in it, though (like you said) :)

NJ
 
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